Here's a new feature where I break down the lyrics of a song and explain why I have such intense hatred for the songwriter responsible for it. Here we go!
_______________________________________________________
I must have been through about a million girls
Oh really? A million, eh? Hmmm, that sounds like an awful lot. I noticed he says "about", so I suppose this is a conservative estimate. Even so, the claimed number of sexual conquests is approximately equal to the number of females aged 18 to 65 in the entire state of Utah. So if we assume that the author began dating at age 15 and wrote this song at age 29, that's 15 years, or 5480 days (with leap years), meaning he would have to "gone through" almost 183 girls a day. No one can go through that many cigarettes in a day. Of course, if his name is to be believed and he is truly an "elven bishop", it's possible that he is a magical immortal being who is also the leader of a Mormon church, thus making his claim more plausible. Let's move on.
I'd love 'em and I'd leave 'em alone
If his definition of "lovin'" and "being through" various women actually consists of sex with each and every one of them, we're talking one girl every 9 minutes, without sleeping. At this rate, I'm not sure that most of them would even realize that he "left 'em alone".
I didn't care how much they cried, no sir
It would be hard to build an emotional connection to anyone when your world is moving at 8 girls an hour, but this seems particularly heartless.
Their tears left me cold as a stone
This line proves that he is merely a sex machine with no soul (which is the polar opposite of James Brown).
But then I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Since I met you baby
This song took a dramatic shift in subject with the chorus. When the word "love" is in the title of a song, we have to ask "Who is this written to?" Clearly, this song is written for a woman that the author "ended up with". That's a hell of a way to start off a love song. Plus, all of that bragging is lost on a woman; all it says to her is that you're a walking STD that has probably fathered 10,000 illegitimate children (assuming birth control is 99% effective).
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Free, on my own that's the way I used to be
Bad move: you will NEVER score points with a chick by stating how much you miss your freedom.
Ah, but since I met you baby
Love's got a hold on me
Instead of blaming the woman, he's blaming his loss of independence on a completely obtuse notion of "love". Scapegoatism at its finest. Pure transference.
It's got a hold on me now
I can't let go of you baby
I'm thinking that there must be some sort of blackmail involved that does not allow him to "let go", but he doesn't elaborate.
I can't stop lovin' you now
'Cause I fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around, fell in love
Wait, so is he going to whip out this song for their 40th anniversary? I hope to God that doesn't happen. If there is any God, this chick would have left him after this song came out.
Fooled around, fooled around, yes I did
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
I fell in love, yes I did
Yes. Indeed. How fucking romantic.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
-----Original Message-----
In an ongoing spectacular Eye-Opener blog comedy series now entitled "-----Original Message-----" (at least this week), Rob got the ball (eventually) rolling on Friday with this e-mail:
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 10:41 AM
Your choice
1) Is the phrase "chronic clock watcher" redundant?
2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore? Example: Mr. Bill from SNL
3) What is still funny?
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:31 PM
>2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore?
Guys who do impressions, like Rich Little. He must have been on "The Tonight Show" 4,000 times back in the day. And how about that guy from "Police Academy"! A laugh riot!
>3) What is still funny?
Making fun of hippies.
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:33 PM
Good ones.
Not so funny anymore: Steve Martin's "King Tut" bit. Was that ever funny? Someone must have thought so.
Still funny: Ralph Kramden's "Man from Space" costume.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:46 PM
"King Tut" is just incredibly dated (he's my favorite honky?). I dug it when I was 7, but it's easily the worst part of the "Wild and Crazy Guy" album, the vast majority of which is still funny.
No longer funny:
"The Streak" by Ray Stevens. This was a novelty song that sold MILLIONS of copies back in the 70s. I can't believe that was ever considered funny.
"Good Morning, Vietnam". Okay, maybe I'm being rough on Robin Williams, but I don't think so. This was even considered one of AFI's Top 100 funniest movies, but it's virtually unwatchable.
The Chipmunks.
Still funny:
"Some Like It Hot"
"Airplane!"
(Other) guys getting hit in the groin.
Richard Pryor.
From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:49 PM
American's Funniest Home videos is no longer funny; Wait, maybe the correct sentence construction is American's Funniest Home video is still not funny...
Slapshot is.
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 10:41 AM
Your choice
1) Is the phrase "chronic clock watcher" redundant?
2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore? Example: Mr. Bill from SNL
3) What is still funny?
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:31 PM
>2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore?
Guys who do impressions, like Rich Little. He must have been on "The Tonight Show" 4,000 times back in the day. And how about that guy from "Police Academy"! A laugh riot!
>3) What is still funny?
Making fun of hippies.
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:33 PM
Good ones.
Not so funny anymore: Steve Martin's "King Tut" bit. Was that ever funny? Someone must have thought so.
Still funny: Ralph Kramden's "Man from Space" costume.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:46 PM
"King Tut" is just incredibly dated (he's my favorite honky?). I dug it when I was 7, but it's easily the worst part of the "Wild and Crazy Guy" album, the vast majority of which is still funny.
No longer funny:
"The Streak" by Ray Stevens. This was a novelty song that sold MILLIONS of copies back in the 70s. I can't believe that was ever considered funny.
"Good Morning, Vietnam". Okay, maybe I'm being rough on Robin Williams, but I don't think so. This was even considered one of AFI's Top 100 funniest movies, but it's virtually unwatchable.
The Chipmunks.
Still funny:
"Some Like It Hot"
"Airplane!"
(Other) guys getting hit in the groin.
Richard Pryor.
From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:49 PM
American's Funniest Home videos is no longer funny; Wait, maybe the correct sentence construction is American's Funniest Home video is still not funny...
Slapshot is.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:17 PM
AFV is still on the air. My god, I've always hated that show.
I'm wondering which list "Office Space" will be on in about 10 years, it's still pretty damn funny.
Everyone still thinks the original "Producers" movie is funny, but it's hard to sit through because it's so dated.
No longer funny:
Prank phone callers, like "The Jerky Boys".
"Cops"
Jim Carrey
The flapping dickie
Still funny:
"Dr. Strangelove"
"Airplane!"
The pie in the face
The French
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:25 PM
Not funny: "Smokey and the Bandit" movies.
Still funny: Burt Reynolds' attempts at serious acting.
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:17 PM
AFV is still on the air. My god, I've always hated that show.
I'm wondering which list "Office Space" will be on in about 10 years, it's still pretty damn funny.
Everyone still thinks the original "Producers" movie is funny, but it's hard to sit through because it's so dated.
No longer funny:
Prank phone callers, like "The Jerky Boys".
"Cops"
Jim Carrey
The flapping dickie
Still funny:
"Dr. Strangelove"
"Airplane!"
The pie in the face
The French
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:25 PM
Not funny: "Smokey and the Bandit" movies.
Still funny: Burt Reynolds' attempts at serious acting.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:32 PM
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:32 PM
No longer funny: Chevy Chase, Billy Crystal
Still funny: Bill Murray, Bob Newhart
From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:57 PM
I don't know, I'm on the fence about "Cops." Drunk rednecks are surprisingly durable on the funny factor in my book
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 5:00 PM
It was funny at first, because you think that these people are an anomaly. But after 10 years of the show, you realize that this represents the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES. Like how NASCAR fans outnumber hockey fans and baseball fans COMBINED. Not so funny NOW, is it?
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:57 PM
I don't know, I'm on the fence about "Cops." Drunk rednecks are surprisingly durable on the funny factor in my book
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 5:00 PM
It was funny at first, because you think that these people are an anomaly. But after 10 years of the show, you realize that this represents the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES. Like how NASCAR fans outnumber hockey fans and baseball fans COMBINED. Not so funny NOW, is it?
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