WORLD FAMOUS EYE-OPENER BLOG: NOT ASSOCIATED WITH CNN MONEY'S EYEOPENER WHO STOLE THE NAME

TRAILERS FROM HELL

2007-04-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

There are some horrible movies coming out this year--this is not a shocker. But what's shocking is these awful trailers, which are theoretically supposed to contain some GOOD PARTS of the movie that would make me WANT to go see it, yet they fail in every conceivable way. I chose the ones that make me shudder in fear, while simultaneously weeping for the future, the most. I can't really choose a winner; it's like choosing your favorite terminal disease. (I only linked to the trailers and didn't embed them; I was afraid the blog would never come clean afterwards.)

The Hills Have Eyes 2
They have eyes to . . . what? To see you with? Oh, so these hills also have eyes? Good to know, next time I'm in the desert. Seriously, what is this Wes Craven endorsed crapfest? And who chose the O Brother, Where Art Thou song that plays halfway through?

Delta Farce
Sweet Jebus, who greenlights this miserable shit? Instead of making aggressively unfunny comedies, can't someone figure out a real-life situation that actually sends Larry the Cable Guy to Iraq? Rednecks, gay jokes, Mexican jokes--are there any other stereotypes we can lazily cram into this steaming pile of fucktardation? I'm secretly hoping they all get killed out in the desert by those hills who also happen to have eyes. Fast Track

~~Fast Track~~ The Ex
This one is more disappointing than anything else, since I like Zach Braff and Jason Bateman (the latter's comic timing on Arrested Development was outstanding) and I even like Amanda Peet. So why does this trailer make me hate everything? Huh, the YouTube commenters who like this are all between 14-18, it seems. Fabulous. This movie has already been renamed and its release date moved around several times, and that can't be good.

Lucky You
Drew Barrymore tackles the no-longer trendy world of high stakes poker, with some guy who looks like the 21st century answer to Andrew McCarthy that I sort of recognize and . . . Robert Duvall? Good god, this is looks bad. Do people really talk to each other in cliches like this? ("What goes around comes around", "It's dangerous to be around you.") And is anyone else bothered by Drew's "hit in the face with a frying pan" profile? Or is it only me? They obviously never heard the saying: "What happens in Vegas should never be filmed and shown to audiences outside Vegas."

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
It's the ultimate wedding crasher! Ugh. I hate all these movies that take place in New York City and end up destroying everything: X-Men, Spiderman, Heroes--I'm sick of it! Go fuck with St. Louis or Atlanta instead, you bunch of dumb superassholes.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Here it is, the coup de garbage: an Adam Sandler movie! And it's about a gay couple who aren't really gay! And it co-stars the insufferable fat guy from King of Queens! I don't know where to start with this, so let's just say that's Rob Schneider impersonating a Chinese guy at the beginning and leave it at that. This is the last time I'm going to say it: Adam Sandler, please fuck off forever.

Coming soon: John Rambo: Pearl of the Cobra, Live Free or Die Hard, and that Robin Williams movie where he plays a wacky reverend! Thanks Hollywood!

THURSDAY TIMEKILLER™: THINGS YOU ALWAYS KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO

2007-03-09T08:29:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time between new posts here at the Eye-Opener, but it was worth the wait.

Started by Karl, this one is inspired by the not-at-all-helpful e-mail, THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO. Rob, Jeff, Shawna and brash, sassy newcomer Nicole joined in.

So kill some time with us by reading "THINGS YOU ALWAYS KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO".
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1. Have a Mexican -or Asian- bring you an authentic Italian pizza and a coke. (kw)

2. Take pictures of Guinness pints. (kw)

3. Provide reasonable doubt as to your whereabouts the evening the young intern disappeared (rv)

4. Make painstakingly produced multichannel music sound like it was recorded on gramophone in a public storage facility. (rv)

5. Remove $67.05 from my checking account each month in exchange for not having to walk all the way across the living room to my land line. (rv)

6. Not actually "ring", yet helpfully inform me that I "missed" a call. (jk)

7. Drop the call just when she's getting to "the good part". (jk)

8. Go directly to voicemail so your wife cannot find you when you are having beers with friends or moving fish tanks. (sw)

9. Cell phone text messages can actually let your boss know you're out sick, without having to sound sick which no one does well, and you can send them while you're hunting!! (kw)

10. Rob, you don't even need to get up and go across the room to check your answering machine, you can call it from your cell phone. (kw)

11. You can call Jeff and tell him to bring beer. (kw)

12. Make everyone within earshot drool with envy when they hear your rare Men Without Hats ringtone. (jk)

13. Be universally referred to as a "camera phone", despite not being able to perform either function adequately. (jk)

14. Come in contact with water and cease to be called anything except paperweight. (rv)

15. The vibrate function of the phone allows you to all use it to 'massage' yourself. (nm)

16. Spark the Divinyl's renaissance with "I call myself, I want you to call me". (kw)

17. Travel forward in time then bring back the technology that allows cell phones to work. (rv)

18. Instead of calling someone directly and using 1 minute of airtime to say "I'm running late", you can waste 4 minutes awkwardly typing the same message into a tiny keypad and sending it as text (for an additional fee for both of you). (jk)

19. Makes true "toll-free numbers" a thing of the past. (jk)

20. Keep you up to date on 'currant' affairs. (kw)

21. Allows you to tell people you were using your Bluetooth enabled phone when in fact you were just walking around talking out loud to nobody like the lunatic that you are. (rv)

22. Allows you to use the speakerphone to let everyone in your presence know what you are talking about. And then talk louder to the people you can't hear instead of turning up the volume or putting the damn phone to your ear. (nm)

23. Really caters to drunk dialers . . . (kw)

25. Enables you to miss/skip 24. (you can watch it later on Vcast). (kw)

26. If you press the keys 5-8-0-0-8 and hold the phone upside down it looks like BOOBS. (rv)

THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR US SAY IN 2007

2007-01-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

Rob actually started this with the statement, "I was watching the OXYGEN network the other day . . . " as an example, so I sent it around and got some pretty damn funny responses:
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"Man, I can't get enough of those 'reality TV' shows." (jk)

"Now that I have a big HDTV with a DVR, I think I could live without it." (kw)

"Chicks dig me because I'm a great dancer." (kw)

"I'm on a health kick." (kw)

"Nah, I think I'll just have a Corona with grenadine syrup in it." (jk)

"I was listening to NASCAR on the radio the other day . . . " (Or any sentence with "NASCAR" in it.) (jk)

"Chicks dig me." (jk)

"Getting a psychic reading would be an excellent way to spend time and money!" (rv)

"Can anyone recommend a charity to donate to?" (tb)

"I'm tired of eating steak." (tb)

"I do." (tb)

"I knew I should have bought a HUMMER." (jk)

"I'm tired of constantly shooting under par." (jk)

"I have so much money, I don't know what to do with it." (ks)

"Do you want fries with that?" (I hope) (ks)

"Great idea, Mr President!" (rv)

"I’d like a years subscription to the NY Post." (rv)

"My customer focus could use some improvement." (rv)

"Fill up, 93 octane." (rv)

"I’d love to spot you on the bench press." (rv)

"I'm moving to France because of the job opportunities there." (kw)

"Put Elmo On." (kw)

"Sure, I'll get your cat out of that tree." (kw)

"C'mon!!! I'm buying!!" (kw)

"I can't decide between Applebee's, T.G.I. Firday's or Chili's--they all feature excellent cuisine!" (jk)

"That club music can't be loud enough for me! Why can't all bars play this stuff?" (jk)

"I'm really interested in what Paris Hilton is up to." (jk)

"My Mets Season Tickets." (kw)

"Snail Mail." (kw)

"I'm so happy with my job right now." (kw)

WHY TAKE DIET PILLS WHEN YOU CAN ENJOY AYDS?

2007-01-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

The unintentional humor of this ad is off the chart.

AYDS was an OTC appetite suppressant "candy" popular in the 1970s. Of course, sales dropped off significantly in the 80s because of the unfortunate name. Personally, I think they should have sued the creators of AIDS for copyright infringement.

THANK GOODNESS FOR AYDS!
(TRY NEW PEANUT BUTTER AYDS!)

ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS

2006-12-20T16:27:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the year again: to get drunk off your ass! For some reason, the guy at Starbucks made a face when I asked him to put rum in my holiday egg nog lattes. But be careful out there, because things aren't what they seem. Yeah, that's right: I'm talking about the evils of marketing. Even worse: marketing ALCOHOL. Hold on to your livers . . .

I have to admit, Jay-Z is nothing if not a smart businessman. Announcing his "comeback" album via a Budweiser commercial? Brilliant! In fact, I think A-B made him change his name to Jayweiser-Zelect. But this "dissing Cristal and switching to Armand de Brignac champagne" thing seemed like a calculated marketing move when I heard about it. As for his "choice of a drunk generation", no one I know has even heard of his new "brand", and it didn't even have a website until--surprise!--the Jayweiser video came out. Kris "The Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo says they don't even sell it over there, and it's not even listed on the French Wikipedia site (which a suppose is just a lot of pages about wine, cheese, and fashion). He made a great point: "No one is so small and unknown that no documentation exists on them before some giant star with Billions of Dollars in purchasing power signs with them." Exactly. This whole thing smells bad, like a chunk of Camembert left out in the sun for a week.

It turns out that Armand de Brignac is a dormant brand of champagne by French winemaker Callier, and despite what their distribution company, Sovereign Brands LLC, tells you about its status as a "premium high-end brand in France", it didn't really exist until it was featured in Jayweiser's video. This Business Week article (and the ones that it links to) did some great investigative work to determine that the name hasn't been used by the company in decades, and the company has already its 3 Vodka brand endorsed by a rapper (who is now a partner/owner). No one will admit it, but it would make sense that Mr. Zelect has dumped money into this dead brand and relaunched it, because there's no reason for him to market this stuff otherwise. In other words, it all adds up to a product placement scam: a "new" champagne (or just pretty golden bottles filled with Bud Select) that's being marketed to Americans as the new fashionable hip-hop alcoholic beverage. Basically, if you're stupid enough to buy this stuff for $150 a bottle, or three times that in a nightclub, you are a moron and deserve to go broke.
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Speaking of morons, A-B is trying to pull a fast one on beer buyers in New England and elsewhere. My brother in law bought something called "Stone Mill Pale Ale", touted as an "organic" brew (meaning no pesticides or chemicals are used on the grains). Okay, fine, what does it taste like? It honestly wasn't too bad, with a moderately hoppy bite, but nothing to write home about. The label said: "Brewed by Green Valley Brewery, Merrimack, NH". Well, that's the town they live in, but it's a very small town and the only brewery I know of . . . is A-B. So, sure enough, I looked it up online and it's "an organically certified brewery of Anheuser Busch". So basically, it's just an A-B product in disguise with some made-up name.

This bothers me on several levels. One: they know there's a small segment of the population that won't buy anything that has their name on it, so they put these out there without the A-B name on it anywhere. Two: they are completely capable of making good beer when they feel like it. Three: they can't just make their mass produced rice water beer and leave it at that, they have to try to cut into the microbrew market. Seriously, go fuck yourself, A-B. Leave the bastardization of the microbrew sector to the 12 Greatest Brews of the World.
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The states of Maine and New York are trying to ban the sale of several beers because of their label illustrations. One of them is (pictured at right) Santa's Butt English Porter, and the claim is that the depiction of jolly ol' Saint Nick on its label "might appeal to children". The Maine Civil Liberties Union consider the illustrations "undignified and improper". One of the company's other rejected labels features the topless woman from the famous French painting "Liberty leading the people" (which I saw in the Louvre). That's right, not only are they uptight about art, but the MCLU is against LIBERTY. Shelton Brothers, the importers of these beers and others called "Seriously Bad Elf" and "Winter Warmer Nut Browned Ale", are fighting the ban. If these states are so worried about products that might appeal to childen, what about calling your alcoholic malt beverages "lemonade"? What about banning McDonald's, who sells horrible food to kids using A CLOWN IN ITS COMMERCIALS? What a joke.
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Closing on a positive note, we've already established that the best show about drinking on INHD is not Beer Nutz (I can't stand the two hosts). Instead, I hereby bestow that honor to THREE SHEETS. Hosted by comedian Zane Lamprey, this is more like a combination of Dave Attell's much-missed Insomniac and the Travel Channel: while the host gets drunk, you learn about the drinking customs around the world. I've seen the episodes in Costa Rica, Jamaica, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and Belgium, and they've all been very entertaining. The last country on that list found him visiting Delirium Cafe, which is home to a world-record 2,600 brews (including Delirium Tremens and Nocturnum, both excellent beers). They also showed him a bottle of Westvleteren, but they couldn't drink it or even MENTION THE NAME because of the monks' strict reselling and distribution rules. Very interesting. If he ever needs someone to replace him as host, I volunteer.

OH WHAT A (NAUSEATING) FEELING! TOYOTA!

2006-11-29T12:37:00.000-05:00

When my trusty 1999 Nissan Pathfinder's transmission crapped out a couple of months ago (with 146K miles on it!), I knew I had waited just a bit too long to buy a new car. After spending over 2 grand to get it fixed, I ramped up my search before something else went wrong. (Are the brakes going? Is that awful noise coming from the rear shocks? Is that gasoline I smell?) But what exactly did I want to buy? I had no idea. I'm not a gearhead, so I wasn't looking for anything flashy. I like my 4x4 (the higher driving position, interior space, adverse weather handling), but I didn't want a huge hulking behemoth with low gas mileage. And I'm not a millionaire, so I needed something affordable and reliable. Most of all, I had to fit in the driver's seat comfortably (not a gimmie when you're 6'4"). So what would give me biggest bang for my buck?

I first thought about getting another Nissan, but I just don't like their current offerings; the new Pathfinder is way too big for me and the XTerra is not good on gas. I couldn't in my right mind plunk down my hard-earned cash on a Ford or Chevy, I'm not impressed with Hyundai, Jeep or Mazda's SUVs, and Saturn doesn't really sell anything I like. Honda seemed to be a logical choice, and the redesigned '07 CRV is nice, and even the boxy Element had grown on me. I was all set to test drive the two and eventually planned on purchasing the one I liked more. How I ended up with a 2007 Toyota RAV4 is anyone's guess.

I've never even considered buying a Toyota before; I've never even walked into one of their showrooms. Their salespeople have a reputation of being "uppity", with less haggle room and more pressure to make you buy a car with unnecessary options. And quite frankly most of their cars just don't excite me (TTAC would call them "bland"), and their SUVs just screamed "soccer mom". But I found that I really liked the new RAV4. First of all, they expanded it in every direction in 2006 to make it more roomy (but still smaller than my Pathfinder). Second of all, they offer a V6 engine that also gets great gas mileage. So I walked in there one day for a test drive, and realized that this was a car I really liked.

I loathe the whole car buying process, and can't wait for car salesmen to go the way of the Yugo. My experience with Fockland Toyota (name changed to protect the idiots) made all of my fears a reality. I don't know what's happened since I bought my last car 7 years ago, whether my bullshit threshold has decreased or salespeople have become more devious, but I've never had to put up with as much drama and frustration as I did with these salespeople. Right off the bat, they do their best to overstate the MSRP and undercut your trade-in, just to see if you did your math homework. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for them) I arrived armed with a fistful of printouts and a target price in mind, so I wasn't falling for it. Though I was considering walking out about 14 times during the ordeal, I figured it was going to be the same no matter where I went. As is their custom, they make you wait, they talk with you about options, you refuse, they make you wait some more, and then they send the manager out to talk with you; it's all a big dumb game. But this general manager was an interesting character: he was as tall as me and built like a truck (Tacoma?), about 300 pounds with a bald head and a no-nonsense attitude. Basically, he was pretty intimidating, but I had to stick to my guns. After our haggling hit a minor impasse, I made them wait for a while I got a cup of coffee (it's only fair). I eventually came back got a deal somewhere between the invoice and sticker prices that I was happy with, and they gave me a more reasonable trade-in price. Afterwards the manager said, "You got a good deal", and when I retorted with, "Come on, you still made plenty of money off of me", he said "Yeah, but not as much as I had hoped to." Ha ha, all in a half an hour's work for this guy.

They began to search other local dealers for the car I wanted, which is harder than it sounds since apparently there aren't that many Base V6 4x4s with minimal options, and they use some byzantine process to "swap" cars between dealerships. In the end, they produced a car in the color I liked (Nautical Blue Metallic--hello, sailor!) and I arranged to pick it up on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, the whole car buying drama was far from over. My preapproved auto loan from CapitalOne came with a "Blank Check", which I'm supposed to make out to the dealer for the amount I wish to finance ("The dealer gets their money in 24 hours! It's like having cash in hand!"). Naturally they refused to accept it, saying that they needed a certified check. They brought in the cavalry to deal with this, but no one would even talk to CapitalOne to confirm my loan status, nor would they wait a week for the check to clear. I assumed that all this nonsense was just a way to force me to finance it through them. I was furious, and without another alternative I put on my jacket and started to leave. The enormous manager reciprocated by blowing up and telling the lady preparing the paperwork to not sell me the car. Since I didn't tell them what rate I was preapproved at (6.35%/48 mo), I figured this was my one bargaining chip; I convinced them that I had a 5.99% rate, and ended up financing through Toyota. In the end I saved myself a couple of bucks a month, but not without a headache.

The bottom line is that I got a good deal, I love the car and I'm happy with my purchase. But I would avoid dealing with Fockland Toyota, if you don't have to. Hopefully (knock on wood) I won't have to go through this nonsense for a long, long time.

FRIGHTENINGLY BAD HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

2006-10-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

That magical day is finally upon us -- IT'S HALLOWEEN! Scary children roam the streets looking for fattening treats . . . even MORE SO TODAY! It used to be ghouls, ghosts and goblins, but nowadays it seems that most of the costumes out there are horribly unfunny novelty costumes. Let's take a look at some!

KUNG FU LOU

What the hell is this supposed to be? A fat guy doing karate? I don't get it. FUNG YOU! Let's move on.

ROYAL FLUSH

Ugh. Didn't I click on the "humorous" section? Because that's not the least bit funny. Unless this guy actually gets pissed on.

FART-O-METER

Great. You can wear something that is going to make guys fart in your face all night. That could backfire on you--LITERALLY.

SPANISH FLAMINGO DRESS

The costume itself is okay, but it's a "flamingo" [sic] dress under the "Oriental and Ethnic Costumes" category. That's wrong on several levels.

FRANKENBERRY

Frank, you look FAAAAAAAABULOUS! Couldn't you just DIE? I mean, can you BE more pink? I just want to cover you in milk and eat you!

MAGNUM P.I.

If you're a private investigator, wouldn't explicitly stating that on your hat blow your cover? Not a wise move, Magnum.

THE GOVERNOR MASK

There are caricatures, and then there's this. Why does it look like his face is about to explode? Is this from the scene from Total Recall where he's struggling to breathe in Mars' atmosphere? And I don't know what Governor this is supposed to be, but it sure doesn't look like George Pataki.

DR. SEYMOUR BUSH, GYNECOLOGIST

Wait a minute, I've got plenty of lab coats, I could EASILY throw this outfit together in no time! Of course, none of them say "Seymour Bush" on them. But how can I convince women that I'm a gynecologist? I know: I'll wear it AFTER Halloween, that way they'll never suspect a thing!

PROM NIGHTMARE

"Ohhhhh SHIT! I KNEW we shouldn't have tried opening that bottle of merlot in the limo. Baby, I'm sorry about that. Do we have enough time to go back home and change? We could only afford to rent the limo for 45 minutes? I'm so sorry. Stop crying, I bet no one will even notice!" (I guess I can forget about getting to second base tonight. Man, what a prom nightmare.)

HOLY SHIT

Oh man, that's stupid. Never mind, check out these classic 70s costumes instead!

HONG KONG PHOOEY

Now we're talking! HONG KONG PHOOEY, #1 SUPER GUY! HONG KONG PHOOEY, QUICKER THAN THE HUMAN EYE!

WELCOME BACK, KOTTER

Were kids dressing up as Gabe Kaplan? That's sad.

H.R. PUFNSTUF

Forget drugs, kids! This costume is a WALKING ACID TRIP!

Crappy Halloween everyone!

AND CHECK OUT RETROCRUSH'S COLLECTION OF CLASSIC COSTUMES!

PS3 COMMERCIAL: NIGHTMARE FUEL!

2006-10-27T11:35:00.000-04:00

This ad for the SONY PlayStation 3 aired last night.

That is just plain creepy. What is wrong with advertising agencies? It seems as though it's not about the product anymore, it's about getting a reaction from people. Who cares if they're frightened? Why bother giving any relevent information about the product? All you need to know is that the PS3 is coming soon!

Now, the old 80s ATARI commercials were fantastic:

There was never a bigger disappointment than the ATARI 2600 attempt at PAC-MAN. Hoo boy. Okay, never mind, that was horrid. Bring on the creepy babies!

FRIDAY THE 13TH TIMEKILLER: HORROR MOVIES

2006-10-14T20:00:00.000-04:00

This is a thread I started on Friday the 13th to try to come up with some new horror movie ideas.
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THE GRUNGE. The ghosts of Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, and Mother Love Bone singer Andrew Wood haunt record executives, killing them off one by one for making millions and millions of dollars at their expense, and simultaneously destroying the Seattle music scene in the 90s. Soundtrack by former Soundgarden guitarist Kim Thayil (whom I think is sitll alive). (JK)

THE TEXAS LONGHORNS MASSACRE. By now you would think the students at Rice University would know Not To Go In There, but they do, and as usual are slaughtered by the UT football team, 63–0. (RV)

THE EXERCISE. After spending decades eating nothing but heavily processed fast foods, an ordinary man decides to take up jogging. Little does he know that his heart is possessed by an evil demon, and every step he takes COULD KILL HIM! (jk)

ARBOR DAY. Someone is killing children when they are in a place that there parents can't protect them: the treehouse. (rv)

GREMLINS. In the 1970s, the American Motor Company unleashes on an unsuspecting public the most hideous vehicle ever designed by man, so shocking it sends other motorists screaming! Even more frightening is that they seem to be everywhere, multipling at an alarming rate as if they are being mass produced in some evil factory. Scarier than gas rationing and President Jimmy Carter combined! The disco soundtrack alone will leave you shuddering with terror! (Available on K-Tel 8-Track tapes and long playing vinyl records.) (jk)

SWAMP BLING. A popular rap star buys a mansion in the Florida Everglades previously owned by one of his musical rivals who mysteriously went missing while jogging one night. However, after throwing a party one night he comes face to face with a creature from the swamp . . . and he's sorting an even bigger diamond than him! (kw/jk)

A NIGHTMARE FOR HUSTON STREET. The Oakland A's relief pitcher can't wake up from a terrifying dream: he keeps giving up the walk-off home run to Magglio Ordonez in Game 4 of the ALCS that ends his team's season and sends the Detroit Tigers to the World Series. (kw/jk)

MILK HUNTER

2006-09-01T11:03:00.000-04:00

Amazon.com started off as an online book store back in 1934 (or so). Success over the years has allowed them to branch out and sell a larger variety of products from VHS, DVD, CD, and various other acronyms. Today, they are linked up with thousands of retailers across the country, making the choices for the online consumer nearly endless!

Yesterday evening I realized I was out of milk, and I certainly didn't want to "get up", "find pants", "drive to a store" and "stand in line to pay for it", etc. So where could I turn? Amazon, of course! Wouldn't you know, they now sell milk in their Gourmet Foods section! So I clicked on Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz by Tuscan. Not familiar with their products, I decided to click on the ever-informative customer reviews to help me make an informed decision. While it didn't rate quite as high as David Hasselhoff's best-of import CD, I was merely moistening my cereal with it so I didn't need "5 star gourmet milk". (Italian cows produce great shoes, so I would assume that Tuscan cows make decent milk.)

Now that I had been convinced that this was a good purchase, I added this to my "shopping cart". Hey, this is just like being at the supermarket! Except it's better, because I don't have to mess with that shopping cart with the one wheel that won't move, and has a handle coated with some horrible communicable disease. Not wishing to drink used milk, I decided to "Buy new" for $3.99. Now I would just have to get it sent to me somehow, and the only choice available was "expedited shipping" (which makes sense, since it will spoil, and I was planning on having cereal over the long weekend anyway). Thankfully, this was being sent from Gristedes Supermarkets of New York, so it wouldn't have to be shipped all the way from Tuscany! Relieved, I clicked through to proceed to the checkout (free of impulse items, gossip rags and people with too many items in the express line, mind you), only to see the following total cost:

Order Summary
Items: $3.99
Shipping & Handling: $26.25
Total Before Tax: $30.24
Estimated Tax:* $0.00
Order Total: $30.24

Not only would it not arrive at my doorstep until Monday or Tuesday (!), but it would set me back $30.24. Oh well, such is the cost of convenience! (Query: Since when did Ticketmaster start selling milk?) Anyway, I willingly gave them my VISA and completed the transaction. I cannot wait to eat that granola! Thanks, Amazon! Oh wait, I think I'm out of Oreo cookies too . . .

GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH

2006-08-30T16:42:00.000-04:00

I usually like to keep it light and airy on this blog, but I just had to mention this particularly scary topic concerning the North Pacific (Subtropical) Gyre. Gyres can be thought of as "ocean deserts", giant areas of the ocean surrounded by swirling ocean currents and dominated by high pressure systems. They take up about 40% of the world's oceans, are low in biomass, and largely avoided by sailors. This particular gyre, however, is also known as the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch", as by all accounts it includes an area that is a huge vortex filled with collected garbage. In past years this flotsam would biodegrade, but now its filled with photo-degrading plastic, which cannot be naturally recycled and contains toxins like PCPs. One study in the gyre determined that the plastic bits outnumber zooplankton (the ocean's most prevalent animal organism) by a ratio of 6:1. Over the past few decades, Nike shoes, hockey equipment, and bathtub toys have been spilled into the Gyre by passing cargo ships, and washed up onshore years later. Numerous sea birds around the world have been found dead with plastic filling their stomachs and intestines as the plastic has entered the oceanic food chain. This phenomenon is only going to get worse, as plastic usage is increasing and billions of tons of plastic pellets are created every year.

Now that's scary.

[Don't worry, I'll have some dick jokes for you later.]

North Pacific Gyre [Wikipedia]
Trashed - Across the Pacific Ocean, plastics, plastics, everywhere, by Charles Moore [Natural History Magazine]
Beachcombing Science from Bath Toys [Beachcombers.org]
The Problem with Plastic: Waves of Junk Are Flowing Into Food Chain [The Seattle Times]
Plastic in the Plankton [ACF]
Plastic Pellets in the Aquatic Environment [EPA]

IN DEFENSE OF PLUTO

2006-08-24T15:53:00.000-04:00

In a stunning announcement sure to be made into a blockbuster Hollywood motion picture, a bunch of scientists somewhere have determined that Pluto is not a planet. This demotion has sent shockwaves throughout the solar system. Now considered a "dwarf planet", an offensive term which will no doubt be replaced by "mass-challenged planet", this celestial object has fallen on the hardest of times with this announcement.

Pluto was thought to be first discovered in the roaring 20s, when some guy with a telescope believed he saw a planetary body beyond Neptune, which turned out to be his own cataracts. The following year, 1930, an actual astronomer found it. People from all over the globe were fascinated by this icy remote world, as they yearned for a planet where the days lasted for 6.4 Earth days, where one could enjoy 6 full Earth days of vacation for every Pluto workday. Dirigibles and flapping-contraptions were fashioned out of canvas and cornhusks by those who one day dreamed to live on its frozen surface and breathe its nitrogenous wonders; cartoon animals, dances and songs ("Oh My, My Ninth Wonder In The Sky!" was a #1 hit for Cyrus K. Skywatcher in 1931) were created in its honor; President Hoover famously invited it to the White House for a special coronation ceremony (until it was explained to him that this would be impossible). In the time of great global depression, what was more romantic than a planet with unlimited amounts of green cheese to eat, lovingly named after the Roman god of the underworld? The possibilities seemed limitless.

Pluto seemed to take its 9th-man-in status in stride; however, in the late 20th century, Pluto began to fall even further out of favor. Once considered an ideal candidate for a new space colony, it was determined to be a very inhospitable planet; not only is it smaller and colder than the United States, but there are considerably less Wal-Mart Supercenters dotting its surface. This sent the planet reeling, and it began orbiting erratically around the Sun, even veering into Neptune's lane for 20 years and coming dangerously close (tens of millions of miles) to colliding with it. Pluto was then placed under 24 hour surveillance by astronomers worldwide. In 1999, it meandered back into its proper place as the most distant planet, but it had cemented its fate as the black sheep of the solar system.

Pluto has had well documented ups and downs over the years, but this latest announcement is surely its nadir. The entire argument is based on the definition of a "planet", which is a target of debate, and surely ridicule should you argue this topic aloud. "Planet" is defined as (by Merriam Webster):
1 a : any of the seven celestial bodies sun, moon, Venus, Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, and Saturn that in ancient belief have motions of their own among the fixed stars b (1) : any of the large bodies that revolve around the sun in the solar system (2) : a similar body associated with another star

Whoa, hold on. Since when is the Sun a planet? Okay, Merriam has clearly been drinking the hard stuff. Screw her, instead let's consult the experts (or "people who spend way too much time pondering such things"). "Planet" is currently defined as:
a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.

(Cleared the neighborhood? What the hell does that mean? And what's wrong with not being round? Hasn't the Earth been determined to be not actually round, but rather an oblate spheroid? But I digress.)

Today's announcement that Pluto no longer is accepted in the planetary community hardly seems a surprise, especially when you consider that the hearts of these astronomers are as cold as Pluto's icy, rocky surface, and not coincedentally, most of these scientists reek much like its methane-rich ice chunks. However, I refuse to listen to the same people who nickamed planetary candidate 2003 UB313 "Xena", a 20th century television character popular with insufferable geeks. (Actually, I test drove the 2003 UB313, I'm not sure why they discontinued it.) I, for one, am willing to overlook Pluto's transgressions and reinstate its status as a planet. The world must realize that no solar system body is perfect, and I feel this plucky little planet has paid its dues for billions of years, and has the ability to straighten up and fly right. Personally, I have no problems as pertains to planet Pluto, and if you have any sense, you won't either. As long as it doesn't touch Uranus.

So vote now, and make your voice heard all the way to Pluto!

(Before I get thousands of e-mails, yes I am aware that since there's no atmosphere that's technically impossible to hear your voice in space; it was just a play on words.)

UPDATE: With over 25,000 responses registered, 51% agree that Pluto ROCKS! In your face, space dorks!

DRAT! FOILED AGAIN!

2006-08-10T23:07:00.000-04:00

Whew, that was close. But I feel safe now that a genuine terror plot has been foiled, with British-born Muslim extremists planning to blow up planes with liquid explosives, or something to that effect. I've been told this was "the real deal", that they were really going to do it. Hey, since I don't have all the information, how can I not believe it? I'm just thankful that all these alleged terror threats have been foiled. See also:

The foiled terror threat in Toronto (6/3/2006)
The foiled terror threat to blow up the Sears Tower in Chicago (6/23/06)
The foiled terror threat to blow up New York's tunnels (7/8/2006)
The foiled terror threat in Australia (11/8/2005)
Let's not forget the foiled terror threat in L.A., which was planned in 2002, which Bush only told us about on 2/9/2006.
Oh, and the other 10 foiled terror threats that were announced back on 10/7/2005.

Man, that's a lot of foiling! I really think we are going to win this war on terror!

Remember, people, our current airline terror alert level is CODE ELMO, REPEAT, CODE ELMO!!!

Elmo: Flights from the UK
Ernie: All commercial flights
Bert: Everything else

-----Original Message----- GREAT WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT

2006-08-03T17:00:00.000-04:00

We're in the midst of a brutal heat wave here in the Northeast, with temperatures here in New City of 100.6° (8/1), 101.3° (8/2) and 100.3° (8/3) the last few days. Being a scientist of some sort, I prefer Celsius except when it comes to weather. There's nothing quite like the announcement that we're going to have TRIPLE DIGIT TEMPERATURES. "100" is such a cool, deadly round number, and sounds much better than "It's going to be 37.5° out there, so be careful."

Karl got the ball rolling, and Rob, Kris and I came up with some ways to beat the heat of summer '06. Enjoy.
____________________________________

Wear a testosterone patch on your privates during long bike ride. (kw)

Sneak into country club, play 2 through 17, then take a swim in the pool. (rv)

Donate a pint of blood, replace it with freon. (jk)

Gin, with tonic keeps ice colder longer. (kw)

5 pound bags of ice in your underwear. (ks)

Instead of deodorant, slather Ben and Jerry’s Hazelnut Gelato under your arms. (rv)

Your air conditioning doesn't need to be turned on while you're at work. So stay at work later than usual. You don't actually have to DO work. (kw)

Schedule that business trip to Antarctica. (kw)

Rent out a prostitute to follow you around with a hand-held fan. (jk)

If you're fortunate enough to have a sunroof, put a hose into it to flood the interior of your car. (If not, at least you can fill it to the window.) It's like having your own moving pool. (kw)

Lots of visits to local morgues. (ks)

Earwax is SPF 20. Apply generously. (kw)

Drink liquid nitrogen martinis. (jk)

Before you go to bed, take your pair of underwear and socks for tomorrow, and put them in the freezer overnight. When you put them on, they'll keep you cool all day long. (kw)

Wear your labcoat to the supermarket and when no one is looking, sneak into the meat locker. If questioned, pretend to be running the bone saw. (rv)

Wear a down parka, wool hat, gloves and scarf while walking around outside. When you take it all off, it will feel really cold by comparison. (jk)

Take a shower in Gatorade, film it, sell it to Gatorade's commercial company, and take use the money to go to Alaska. (kw)

Two words: creamsicle suppository. (jk)

Avoid sweatstains by completely prewetting all your clothing. (kw)

Fill your waterbed with the contents of a Slurpee machine. (jk)

Wear a dampened turban on your head. (ks)

Tear a huge hole in the crotch of your pants for "circumvention" (kw)

Listen to your Vanilla Ice, Ice T and Ice Cube records. Also, pretend Bo Bice is actually Bob Ice. (rv)

Wiffle pants! (jk)

WHAT I LEARNED IN CHICAGO

2006-07-28T08:57:00.000-04:00

Chicago is a great city. Unlike New York, LA, Boston, and Philly (and from what I've heard, Atlanta, Houston, et al.), you can actually drive around without too much hassle. It's a "manageable"
city.

Taking the CTA from O'Hare to my friend's apartment was a breeze, and only cost $1.50. The same trip covering the same distance in New York would have been more expensive and would force you to change trains at least twice--a complete pain the ass.

Since Chi-town is a midwestern city, the people are a little more laid back. But that can also mean they have no freaking idea how to drive.

There's a lot of young female ass walking around the city. One particular bar, Kincade's, was stocked to overflowing with it. It was the same the last time I was there, in 1993 (when the Knicks' Charles Smith was having point-blank shots blocked at the end of that Game 5 loss to the Bulls). Only the problem is that I keep getting older, as they stay the same age. I felt like an old pedophile just having a couple of beers there.

Whole Foods has a great beer selection. I just don't know if I'm ready for the Golden Shower.

If you walk into a massage parlor with another guy, there's a good chance the receptionists will look at you as if you're a couple. Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

A lot of people were wearing those annoying Bluetooth hands-free earpieces for their cell phones. All I can say is: get used to it, because everyone will have these within a year.

Northside Bar in Wicker Park, is exceptional, with a nice inside/outside setup, cute female waitstaff, decent prices, and HD screens. But the Map Room on Armitage had the most incredible beer selection, with countless beers on tap and in bottles. (Actually, "countless" is not a correct term, since there was a finite number of beers; I just didn't feel like countning them. It was a whole lot.) I think I had the Ayinger Braü Weisse, but I can't be sure . . .

Band of Horses is an excellent band, with a bad name. They're not from Chicago, I just wanted to mention them since I first heard them on my friend's iPod on the flight over.

Cardinal Zin, a zinfandel from Bonny Doon Vineyards ($18), is an excellent wine for the money. Again, not from Chicago, but I drank a lot of it there. This was the first bottle I bought that had a Stelvin enclosure (it sounds much cooler than 'screw cap'), which helps prevent cork taint. Hey, anything that helps you get women drunk faster, I'm all for it. Oh, and I just wanted to say 'taint'.

A simple brunch can cost $40 a head, if you order the most expensive champagne. Twice. Yeesh.

Finally, never take a trip to Chicago with a vegan. I made the mistake of going with a friend who is a semi-vegan (doesn't eat meat, but some dairy and fish), and all that time in Chi-town without eating a steak was really a bummer. Plus, the menus filled with "tofish", "seitan" and "eggz and hamm" just pissed me off after a while. It's too much work being a vegan. I ate a turducken, with veal and pork stuffing, and a taco salad as soon as I got home.

Favorite T-shirt: "OZZIE [GUILLEN] IS MY HOMEBOY".

REASONS WHY I'VE LOST INTEREST IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

2006-07-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

MLB has decided that the use of human growth hormones is not a problem.

Mets fans who boo Carlos Beltran after recording an out on his first AB, and chant stupid crap like "Bring back Benson"; Yankees fans who boo MVP Alex Rodriguez after every at bat during which he doesn't hit a walk-off HR.

Fans who truly think that the song that a relief pitcher uses is an important issue.

ESPN News tells me it's "breaking news" that Bonds is 1-3 with a BB, as if anyone gives a flying fuck.

Fans who buy tickets and sell out stadiums just to taunt Bonds, which only makes him and MLB richer.

They feature big money pitchers who can't pitch more than 6 innings.

People who root for their fantasy team players instead of their own team.

Jason Giambi, who admitted he cheated.

Pedro Martinez, who is a selfish asshole in any uniform.

The Cincinnati Reds have a cheerleading squad this year. I have a feeling Johnny Bench wouldn't have put up with that.

ESPN, YES, and FOX Sports coverage of the games sucks.

Playoff games don't start until 8:52 PM, and end at 1 in the morning.

Bud Selig, a neutered commissioner who cannot control the powerful players union and even-more-powerful owners, has singlehandedly let the game get out of control and eventually run itself into the ground.

In the only sport where numbers matter, they don't matter anymore. Bravo.

MODERN ROCK 500

2006-06-13T11:27:00.000-04:00

The WOXY Modern Rock 500 from this past year's M-Day weekend has a lot in common with my Top 500, especially the first song. Here's the Top 20:

1 The Smiths / How Soon Is Now?
2 Joy Division / Love Will Tear Us Apart
3 Sex Pistols / Anarchy In The UK
4 U2 / New Year's Day
5 Nirvana / Smells Like Teen Spirit
6 The Ramones / I Wanna Be Sedated
7 Jane's Addiction / Been Caught Stealing
8 Violent Femmes / Blister In The Sun
9 Radiohead / Creep
10 The Clash / London Calling
11 Pixies / Monkey's Gone To Heaven
12 Sex Pistols / God Save The Queen
13 The Stone Roses / I Wanna Be Adored
14 Beck / Loser
15 Television / Marquee Moon
16 R.E.M. / Radio Free Europe
17 Pearl Jam / Jeremy
18 Talking Heads / Psycho Killer
19 The Replacements / Alex Chilton
20 The Breeders Cannonball / Last Splash

SONGS I HATE: ELVIN BISHOP'S "FOOLED AROUND AND FELL IN LOVE"

2006-05-23T09:07:00.000-04:00

Here's a new feature where I break down the lyrics of a song and explain why I have such intense hatred for the songwriter responsible for it. Here we go!
_______________________________________________________

I must have been through about a million girls

Oh really? A million, eh? Hmmm, that sounds like an awful lot. I noticed he says "about", so I suppose this is a conservative estimate. Even so, the claimed number of sexual conquests is approximately equal to the number of females aged 18 to 65 in the entire state of Utah. So if we assume that the author began dating at age 15 and wrote this song at age 29, that's 15 years, or 5480 days (with leap years), meaning he would have to "gone through" almost 183 girls a day. No one can go through that many cigarettes in a day. Of course, if his name is to be believed and he is truly an "elven bishop", it's possible that he is a magical immortal being who is also the leader of a Mormon church, thus making his claim more plausible. Let's move on.

I'd love 'em and I'd leave 'em alone

If his definition of "lovin'" and "being through" various women actually consists of sex with each and every one of them, we're talking one girl every 9 minutes, without sleeping. At this rate, I'm not sure that most of them would even realize that he "left 'em alone".

I didn't care how much they cried, no sir

It would be hard to build an emotional connection to anyone when your world is moving at 8 girls an hour, but this seems particularly heartless.

Their tears left me cold as a stone

This line proves that he is merely a sex machine with no soul (which is the polar opposite of James Brown).

But then I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Since I met you baby

This song took a dramatic shift in subject with the chorus. When the word "love" is in the title of a song, we have to ask "Who is this written to?" Clearly, this song is written for a woman that the author "ended up with". That's a hell of a way to start off a love song. Plus, all of that bragging is lost on a woman; all it says to her is that you're a walking STD that has probably fathered 10,000 illegitimate children (assuming birth control is 99% effective).

I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love

Free, on my own that's the way I used to be

Bad move: you will NEVER score points with a chick by stating how much you miss your freedom.

Ah, but since I met you baby
Love's got a hold on me

Instead of blaming the woman, he's blaming his loss of independence on a completely obtuse notion of "love". Scapegoatism at its finest. Pure transference.

It's got a hold on me now
I can't let go of you baby

I'm thinking that there must be some sort of blackmail involved that does not allow him to "let go", but he doesn't elaborate.

I can't stop lovin' you now
'Cause I fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around, fell in love

Wait, so is he going to whip out this song for their 40th anniversary? I hope to God that doesn't happen. If there is any God, this chick would have left him after this song came out.

Fooled around, fooled around, yes I did
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
I fell in love, yes I did

Yes. Indeed. How fucking romantic.

-----Original Message-----

2006-05-01T12:09:00.000-04:00

In an ongoing spectacular Eye-Opener blog comedy series now entitled "-----Original Message-----" (at least this week), Rob got the ball (eventually) rolling on Friday with this e-mail:

-----Original Message-----

From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 10:41 AM

Your choice
1)      Is the phrase "chronic clock watcher" redundant?
2)      What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore? Example: Mr. Bill from SNL
3)      What is still funny?

From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:31 PM
>2)      What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore?
Guys who do impressions, like Rich Little. He must have been on "The Tonight Show" 4,000 times back in the day. And how about that guy from "Police Academy"! A laugh riot!
>3)      What is still funny?
Making fun of hippies.

From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:33 PM
Good ones.

Not so funny anymore: Steve Martin's "King Tut" bit. Was that ever funny? Someone must have thought so.
Still funny: Ralph Kramden's "Man from Space" costume.

From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:46 PM
"King Tut" is just incredibly dated (he's my favorite honky?). I dug it when I was 7, but it's easily the worst part of the "Wild and Crazy Guy" album, the vast majority of which is still funny.

No longer funny:
"The Streak" by Ray Stevens. This was a novelty song that sold MILLIONS of copies back in the 70s. I can't believe that was ever considered funny.
"Good Morning, Vietnam". Okay, maybe I'm being rough on Robin Williams, but I don't think so. This was even considered one of AFI's Top 100 funniest movies, but it's virtually unwatchable.
The Chipmunks.

Still funny:
"Some Like It Hot"
"Airplane!"
(Other) guys getting hit in the groin.
Richard Pryor.

From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:49 PM
American's Funniest Home videos is no longer funny; Wait, maybe the correct sentence construction is American's Funniest Home video is still not funny...

Slapshot is.

From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:17 PM
AFV is still on the air. My god, I've always hated that show.

I'm wondering which list "Office Space" will be on in about 10 years, it's still pretty damn funny.

Everyone still thinks the original "Producers" movie is funny, but it's hard to sit through because it's so dated.

No longer funny:
Prank phone callers, like "The Jerky Boys".
"Cops"
Jim Carrey
The flapping dickie

Still funny:
"Dr. Strangelove"
"Airplane!"
The pie in the face
The French

From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:25 PM
Not funny: "Smokey and the Bandit" movies.

Still funny: Burt Reynolds' attempts at serious acting.

From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:32 PM

No longer funny: Chevy Chase, Billy Crystal

Still funny: Bill Murray, Bob Newhart

From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:57 PM
I don't know, I'm on the fence about "Cops." Drunk rednecks are surprisingly durable on the funny factor in my book

From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 5:00 PM
It was funny at first, because you think that these people are an anomaly. But after 10 years of the show, you realize that this represents the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES. Like how NASCAR fans outnumber hockey fans and baseball fans COMBINED. Not so funny NOW, is it?

CHUCK KLOSTERMAN'S TOP 10 OTHER THINGS THAT MATTERED (JUNE 2005)

2006-04-25T15:54:00.000-04:00

Chuck Klosterman is an uber-geek-hipster, and I mean that in a good way. I'm currently reading his collection of essays called Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, which is so jam packed with pop culture that the milk spills out of the bowl as you try to consume it. In other words, it's right up my alley (after skipping the sections about the Real World). Not for the faint of heart, but very, very witty. He writes for SPIN and Esquire magazines, and also has a pretty well thought out article about baseball and Bonds on ESPN Page 2, the most telling quote being: "The end of numbers -- in the only realm where numbers matter".

Anyway, in the grand tradition of the blog (if it has any tradition at all), I decided to steal one of his SPIN articles verbatim and post it here, because I thought it was funny, and because there seem to be a lot of "lists" on the Eye-Opener lately.

_______________________
Forget the top 100 albums. Here are the top 10 other things that mattered.

Off the Record
By: Chuck Klosterman
June 20, 2005

For 20 years, Spin has saved your life. Are you interested in modern-rock bands like Nirvana and Kula Shaker? Read Spin. Did you once suspect that AIDS is not caused by HIV? Spin understands you. Are you being attacked by snow leopards and/or leprechauns on a daily basis? A Spin editor will personally come to your home and exterminate them. This is what we do.

As part of our ongoing messianic duties, this month's issue examines the 100 best records of the past two decades. I know what you're thinking: "But there must be more to life than mere albums, right?" Right! And maybe someone needs to rank those things, right? Perhaps! So here they are: The Ten Best Proper Nouns of the Spin Era That Are Not Albums (or EPs), as Selected by People Who Are Currently in My Office.

10. "Paradise City," Guns N' Roses (rock video, 1988) Dressed like a glam-metal Tom Wolfe and chucking his sunglasses at no one in particular, Axl Rose came dangerously close to making GNR the new incarnation of the Rolling Stones. Which was what everyone was hoping would happen, and (obviously) didn't happen, or even come close to happening. But this video could not be any better than it is, particularly when Steven Adler points at New York City from a boat, unconsciously implying that this place is, in fact, where the girls are pretty.

9. Slacker, Richard Linklater (indie film, 1991) If you watch this movie today, it feels cliche; so many people have copied Linklater's aesthetic that the novelty is gone. But there was a time when Slacker seemed profoundly weird, and when the idea of telling stories without narrative was mildly revolutionary, and when the people living inside this movie were alien hipsters who looked like all the people in your life whom you'd never actually met. The first time I watched Slacker was the summer of 1992. My friend and I kept waiting for the characters to eventually collide with each other. They never did, so we immediately watched it again. They didn't collide the second time, either. But they kind of do now.

8. "Cut Your Hair" video, Pavement, as critiqued on Beavis and Butt-head (mixed media, 1994) Beavis frenetically implores the band to try harder, and they do not respond. Retrospectively incisive!

7. "Setting Sun," the Chemical Brothers with Noel Gallagher (single, 1996) After this song came out, everybody was supposed to start listening to electronica because it was going to be the new rock'n'roll. I spent a lot of intellectual energy preparing for this, and I was pretty stoked about the potential drugs. As it turns out, electronica was the musical equivalent of New Coke. But "Setting Sun" was rather mind-accelerating (both then and now). Also, I miss coming home from the bar during telecasts of MTV's Amp.

6. Mike Tyson (force of nature, 1986–1990) Before he became a self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal (or more accurately, before he became a public self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal), seeing Mike Tyson punch people in the rib cage was like witnessing the 1945 atomic-bomb tests in rural New Mexico. In the early '90s I once watched a highlight reel of Tyson knockouts with a roomful of intoxicated medical students who punctuated every blow with phrases like "Ooh! That's gonna generate some pancreatic inflammation!" and "Oof! I can't believe that dude's sternum didn't just collapse." Those were good times.

5. Mitch Hedberg (comedian, 1968–2005) The funniest comedian of the past 20 years, dead at age 37 (for no goddamn reason). And Jimmy Fallon will probably live to be 110.

4. "All I Want for Christmas Is You," Mariah Carey (feel-good hit of the Advent, 1994) Definitely the best Christmas song since "Christmas Wrapping" (the Waitresses), possibly the best Christmas song since "Jesus Christ" (Big Star), and arguably the best Christmas song since "O Little Town of Bethlehem" (various artists).

3. The first episode of Freaks and Geeks (doomed TV show, 1999) This pilot's closing scene (set at the high school homecoming dance, featuring "Come Sail Away" by Styx) is better than 90 percent of what's been on network television since 1986.

2. The S1Ws (paramilitary hip-hop accoutrement, 1987–1990) It's hard to imagine a better job than being an operative in Public Enemy's "Security of the First World," an occupation that primarily involved marching around like a Black Panther while a man wearing a kitchen clock bemoaned the response time of EMTs. However, this vocation required more versatility than I realized at the time; in the recently released PE documentary, It Takes a Nation: London Invasion 1987, Professor Griff mentions that the S1Ws were also available to provide crowd control at random social functions (although I assume that did not include bar mitzvahs).

1. The "J Mascis Is God" cover of Spin (magazine, 1993) How crazy was that?

_______________________
Chuck Klosterman is the author of "Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story" and is a senior writer for Spin magazine and columnist for Esquire. He writes once a month for ESPN Page 2.

THURSDAY TIMEKILLER: KINDERGARTEN APTITUDE TEST

2006-04-20T17:29:00.000-04:00

Karl started this Eye-Opener timekiller this afternoon:

Currently, there is an admission test that a student must pass in order to get into kindergarten. In your opinion, what should be on the test?

From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:07 PM
I think potty training needs to be on there. Also, the child should have to demonstrate some proficiency with small firearms, for public schools at least.

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:17 PM
I first thought the child should be able to distinguish a corkscrew from a bottle opener, and matches from a lighter.
Now, I think that the child should know that a squared plus b squared equals c squared.
T/F: I think they should be tested to see whether they think there is such thing as the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and an inexpensive lawyer.
They should be able to construct a well-thought-out essay on what is the most important invention of all time and why.

From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:29 PM
Q. Which of these should you kick? (choose all that apply)
a. a soccer ball
b. a stray dog
c. a fire hydrant
d. a $500/day smack habit

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:40 PM
I want to attend this Kindergarten because: (choose all that may apply)
a. Homeschooling a hippie fraud on the next generation
b. My mom wants to sleep with the gardener
c. I want to be the next JB Hunt
d. I'm under-infected and overmotivated toward learning
e. Otherwise, the lawsuit would be considered frivolous

From: Rob
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:01 PM
You are currently $30,000 in debt to the US government - True or False?

from: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:11 PM
Which one of the following is most important to you?
a. Government funding for health care and education
b. Freedom of speech
c. Racial equality
d. "The Wiggles"

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:16 PM
Which of the following do not belong:
a. vermouth
b. gin
c. olive
d. scotch

From: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:20 PM
How would you describe yourself?
a. "I am an outside-the-sandbox thinker."
b. "I am a proactive potty trainee."
c. "I am in tune with my core nap-time competencies."
d. "I like vanilla!"

From: Jeff K
Sent: 4/20/06, 3:37 PM
What do you feel is the greatest danger to the future of the United States?
a. Obesity
b. Global warming
c. Terrorism
d. Outsourcing
e. The Boogeyman

From: Karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:26 PM
I would consider myself to be:
a. the luckiest man on the face of the earth
b. likely to win the murder case, but lose the civil suit.
c. unlikely to aspire to the heights of say -a high school guidance counselor.
d. Pretty good at XBOX.

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:34 PM
These things really existed. True or false:
1. film photography
2. black and white television
3. respected politicians
4. smoking in public buildings and airplanes
5. white NBA players

From: Jeff K
Sne: 04/20/2006 03:51 PM
Which are you most adept at?
a. Singing songs
b. The see-saw
c. Digging
d. Taking orders

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:55 PM
What's the most valuable item per pound?
a. marijuana
b. diamonds
c. platinum
d. Bill Gates

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 4:17 PM
Which of the following is a word:
a. IPOD
b. XBOX
c. IBEX
d. LOL

BEST SPORTS PHOTOS OF 2005

2006-04-08T11:36:00.000-04:00

TOP TEN THINGS THAT DIDN'T PISS ME OFF IN 2005

2006-01-25T13:11:00.000-05:00

10. Grey Poupon Deli Style Mustard With Horseradish. We all remember the commercials in the 80s, which attempted to give their dijon products a highbrow mystique, only to become the butt of endless "Pardon me" jokes. Well, with this mustard, the Grey Poupon-ers have announced that they are not joking around. This grainy yellow magic in a bottle has a biting horseradish kick gives your tongue a once over, as it gives your palate a bit of a "how's your father?" Honorable mention: Ingelhoffer's Sweet Hot Mustard with Honey has a nice tangy taste, and goes really well with soft pretzels and baked ham.

9. "Extras". Although there are only 6 episodes (making it BBC's longest running series ever!), Ricky Gervais, the creator/writer/star of the original "The Office", serves up another great comedy about a pair of movie extras, one an office worker (Gervais) trying to get a speaking part, and the other a female actress (Ashley Jensen) just trying to get laid. It's your standard British "saying/doing the wrong thing and trying to politely talk your way out of an awkward situation", but it's done with first class panache and humor. And it certainly helps that the actors featured in the episodes, like Patrick Stewart, Ben Stiller and Kate Winslet, willingly take self-effacing shots at themselves in the name of comedy.

8. Brooklyn Beer Party Pack. This is an amazing collection of beers from the best brewery in the state of New York, who have a stable of beers that might even surpass Sam Adams. From top to bottom, this quality 6 x 4 pack is a great way to sample their best concoctions. The Brooklyn Brown Ale is a classic hearty ale that every bar should carry, if they know what's good for them; Brooklyn Winter Ale is a hearty treat, not dominated by the added spices like other winter ales tend to be; few stouts can hold a candle to the roasted malt masterpiece that is the Brooklyn Double Chocolate Stout; finally, the Belgian-inspired unfiltered Brooklyn Monster Ale, only found in this pack, certainly lives up to its name packing a wallop with its 10.2% alcohol content. Viva la Brooklyn!

7. "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Even though it was overlong (which eventually killed "Wedding Crashers", despite its hilarious first hour), this was easily the funniest movie of the year. I laughed when in one of the opening scenes the protagonist's apartment had a "MST3K" movie poster on the wall; this movie had me from the beginning and never failed to amuse me. Being 35 and single, there were way too many dating/friendship/social situations parodied here that I could relate to. It's the rare raunchy AND romantic comedy that manages to hit the nail on the head on both counts, without lowering itself into Rob Schneider toilet humor territory. And on top of that, Steve Carell gives his first "human" performance ever as the likeable lead, and the inclusion of Catherine Keener didn't hurt either.

6. Booker's Single Batch Kentucky Bourbon. Although Basil Hayden's (which should be on the 2004 list) is excellent, it's hard to top this stuff. Although it's 126 proof (!), it goes down incredibly smooth; you want to wait a while for the warmth to seep in before even thinking about chasing it. This spirit will single-handedly get me through another miserable winter.

5. "The Colbert Report". With tongue firmly in cheek, Steven Colbert skewers political opinion shows like "The O'Reilly Factor" on this "Daily Show" spin-off, and does a fantastic job. Whereas his former fake-news show and its host have become a little too whiny and self-important, this show doesn't have an agenda except to deliver top-notch comedy. The low-tech Colbert Nation website is classic as well. Brilliant stuff.

4. The return of NHL hockey. The revamped 2006 version of the sport has turned out to be pretty fun to watch with increased offense, no clutching and grabbing, and the emergence of some exciting young players, like Ovechkin, Lundqvist, Crosby, and Pruchka. The post-OT shootout, initially thought to be just a gimmick to convert non-hockey fans, actually adds some excitement to the end of a tie game. And that cartoonish through-the-legs shootout goal by Malik to win the game for the Rangers after 14 rounds was one of the highlights of the year.

3. Bourbon Street Bar & Restaurant, Nyack, NY. Early in the year, Rob jumped ship from Bruxelles to this establishment when one of their bartenders suggested that he try their food--and he's never looked back. Not only do they have excellent dishes like jambalaya and popcorn crawfish, but they sport the most attractive group of female employees in the area (I must chat with whoever's doing the hiring over there). Add to that their daily 2-for-1 happy hour, which includes the Brooklyn Lager, and you can't miss. It's a totally different place at night when the DJ shows up, but it's hard to beat before 10 PM. (Honorable mention: the closing of Zoo Bar.)

2. Golf. What more can I say? It just keeps getting better. From playing a few rounds in Florida in February, attending the 2005 PGA Tournament at Baltusrol, to the discovery of Berkshire Valley Golf Course, there's very little negative here. I managed to play more golf in one season than ever before (Rob, Karl and I actually played once a month during the middle of the year without even having to say we would). On top of that, the golf season on TV keeps getting longer and longer. This is a trend that I definitely I hope continues into '06. Oh Hensby, you've done it again!

1. New kids on the block. After a 7 year hiatus, my sister was back in the baby business this year with the production of Brandon Michael on December 7. Uncle Rob Vertullo also added to his stable of nieces and nephews with the addition of Ava Helen. Scott and Kerry Keenan also got into the act, bringing Sean Michael into the world on December 11. Good show!

TOP 10 THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF IN 2005

2006-01-03T15:59:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Yes, I'm back. I haven't blogged at all in the past two weeks, which I can directly attribute to being quite relaxed and generally happy after 11 straight days of good eating, drinking, sleeping, and 0% work--as a result, I just couldn't work up the energy to rant about anything. However, since we've hit the New Year hard and I'm back to the grind, I think it's about time to clean the snow off the rant machine and get it warmed up. But first, we're going to take a look back at 2005. Although you could just scroll through this blog for the past year's rants, I decided to follow the mainstream media who assumes that we all like Year in Review lists. As I started to draft this, I read The Onion's 10 Top Stories Of 2005 list, which was disheartening as it's surely better than anything I could come up with. In fact, if you want you can stop reading my blog and just visit their site. It's hilarious, especially the White House celebrating the 5th year without oral sex by eating a "perfectly square frostingless vanilla cake".

Okay, if you're still with me, I compiled a handy list of various targets of mine from the past year. Naturally, I couldn't narrow it down to just 10, so there are a lot of things I hate that I didn't mention, like: bald-faced lying steroid-ridden baseball players, the New York Mets, the asshole driver in front of me, dubious marketing practices, any interview with an athlete, record companies alienating consumers with copy protected (and unsecure) discs, lame Hollywood remakes, the idea of paying $156 a year (plus tax, hardware and car/home adapter) to listen to Howard Stern curse and fart with strippers--I've probably blogged the hell out of most of those. So this is what's left, "The Eye-Opener 2005 Year In Review: Top 10 Things That Pissed Me Off":

10. People beating each other up over purchasing Microsoft's XBOX 360. (Actually, I put this at #10, because it kind of makes me laugh.) What's the point of this, when Microsoft doesn't beat themselves up trying to create a secure Internet Explorer, or a competent version of their Office suite that retails for less than $350?. All it accomplished was giving this video game system free publicity, building up the hype even more than necessary, and making Bill Gates one of Time's "Persons of the Year". Well, he might have got that honor for giving away some of his spare billions, or something, I didn't buy the magazine.

9. DVD re-releases. Movie companies have figured out that the best way to bilk more money out of its customers is not by putting out better movies, but by continuingly re-releasing DVDs of existing films every few years. Surely some older movies benefit from advances in digital transfer technology, and certainly sound better with a complete Dolby surround sound remastering for the benefit of home theater fans. But why would I need to re-purchase "Toy Story 2"? The latest re-release of this animated Pixar feature is touted as "the best transfer ever", but this is an all-digital film created completely by computers and put directly onto a DVD--how can it get any better than that? Seriously, how did they screw it up the first time? It's worse when movies are just reissued with "commentaries", "deleted scenes" and "making-of documentaries", which will probably only be watched/listened to once anyway. For instance, I bought the "Office Space" widescreen DVD (released in 2000), only to see the release of the "Office Space: Special Edition With Flair" disc, a mere 5 years later, with miraculously unearthed deleted scenes (from the previous century, no less)! But the most disgusting display of greed has to be by the makers of the "Sin City" DVD. The original came out back in August, but you'd be shit-outta-luck now, as the December re-release (less than 5 months later!) rendered your dinosaur obsolete. From now on, I refuse to buy any movie DVDs until they decide once and for all that it's the last one they produce. Additional note: don't call something the "ultimate" edition if you plan to alter it and re-release it over and over again.

8. The NHL on OLN. No, I don't get this network on my cable lineup, and as it turns out I'm not missing much hockey. Seriously though, their lineup features "Wanted Ted Or Alive with Ted Nugent", "Professional Bull Riders: Total Bull" . . . and NHL hockey? It all seems like a cruel joke. And it gets worse: I found out that they only show hockey TWO DAYS A WEEK, Monday and Tuesday (Wednesday at midnight is an encore game, which doesn't count), for a grand total of 3 (sometimes up to 4!) hockey games. Besides the post game shows, the only other NHL related programming is a half hour documentary called "Homecoming", and something called "Mario Lemieux: Fearless". All told, in an average week (168 hours), only 14 hours is devoted to hockey (8%). Remind me again why I would pay extra to watch this channel? Since ESPN neither covers the NHL nor cares about it anymore, when is this Officially Lame Network, or anyone else, going to step up and show some hockey highlights? Or classic hockey games (meanwhile, ESPN Classic shows "Arli$$", but no hockey)? I would even tune in for the unintentional comedy of Don Cherry on "Hockey Night In Canada", or the occasional playing of "Strange Brew" or "Slap Shot". Is the NHL just temporarily biding its time until its popularity rebounds enough so it can get its own network? Let's hope so because, as the overdubbed clean version of "Fargo" would put it, this is a freezing joke.

7. "Arrested Development" being cancelled by FOX. Yeah, I know, you're probably sick of my griping about this, but why should I get a new TV if they cancel every decent show that's on it, and replace it with the likes of "Trading Spouses", "Supernanny", "Nanny 911", "Out of Practice", "How I Met Your Mother", "Skating With Celebrities", "Dancing With The Stars", and some annoying Freddie Prinze, Jr. show (which I refuse to research the title of, but I'll refer to as "Prinze In Charge").

6. "Celebutants"--just typing out that faux word makes me want to vomit blood. I can't describe to you how much I despise our country's fascination with vacuous dipshits like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, as if they serve any purpose or hold any cultural significance. The sheer amount of time and money wasted on the media coverage of these moronic "heir-heads" is just baffling to me, and I wish it would stop. While we're at it, let's quit caring about celebrity weddings and divorces too. Sweet lord.

5. The NFL. Vertullo put it best: "I love the Giants, but I hate the NFL." It's amazing that a sport with astronomical ratings and even higher annual profits would leave its in-game officiating to clueless amateurs. It's now a given that during every single game there will be at least a handful of questionable or outright blown calls, a moment where half a dozen referees look at each other in bewilderment while not making a call, and challenges/booth reviews that bring the game to a crashing halt. Why doesn't the NFL think that this is a problem? I guess I'm just going to have to wait until a Super Bowl or some other important game is decided by a horrible call. Oh wait, I forgot about the Tuck Rule, that propeled the Patriots towards their dynastic Super Bowl ways. Hmmm, another reason not to buy a new TV, because I'd probably end up putting my foot through it this postseason. Which brings me to . . .

4. TV manufacturers. After getting a defective Philips 30" widescreen HDTV for my birthday (I appreciated the gesture, though!), and shortly thereafter buying a similarly troubled Sony (which crapped out on the 29th day after I purchased it, luckily), I'm beginning to think that the third time may not be a charm for me. I don't know who/where these things are being produced, but I'm thinking they're slapped together by kids in a dilapidated warehouse in some Mexican town, whose citizens are more concerned with rampant poverty, drug gangs and cockfights. Add to this the difficulty in getting HD programming at all where I live, and the continuing demise of TV shows/pro sports/movies in general, and I'm wondering why I should bother.

3. ESPN. The demise of the standard bearer for all sports networks is pretty sad, really. "SportsCenter" has officially become a soul crushing bore filled with overanalysis and the latest Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds news at every turn, with little time for actual game highlights. Meanwhile, every other show on the channel features "sports reporters" yelling at each other, the pregame shows are longer than the actual games are, and the postgame shows feature enlightening insight such as Chris Berman's annoying shtick and ancient musical references as current as "Hotel California". In the network's continuing strive towards complete irrelevancy, they decided to close out 2005 with their very first New Years Eve Show for the Mentally Challenged. I didn't tune in, but from what little I saw it featured (in order of importance): pretty flashing lights, sports highlight clips thrown in at every possible moment (all of them for some reason featuring the Michigan women's softball championship), Stewart Scott, Little Steven, The Troggs--what more could you ask for? Not only that, but ESPN replayed this ponderous piece of crap at 1 AM, countdown and all. Just when I thought there couldn't be anything more useless than that, they upped the ante by replaying the 1996 National Spelling Bee finals the next day. It's official: ESPN is now neither entertainment nor sports. Enjoy your "World Series of Poker", celebrity bowling shows, and "ESPN Hollywood", and Happy New Year from the Worldwide Leader of Shit!

2. Celebrities/movie stars/musicians taking advantage of their names to vocalize their negative political views. This isn't a new thing, it's just getting more and more pervasive and irritating. I'm not a big fan of politicians in general, but my opinion counts just as much as any actor who "once played a politician", or singers who never served our country but wrote fist-pumping rock anthem about the subject. Overall, it's the negativity in their approach that I could do without. It's fine if you don't agree with the current governmental policies, it's not enough to just deride it; how about you suggest a workable solution instead of distilling your agenda down to "Bush must go"? That's the one thing that's refreshing about the approach of Bono (and others): he doesn't just whine about the problem, he actually tries to solve the problem in a positive way. Oh, and the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin still lives in the United States, even though he said he was moving out if W got re-elected. If you're going to be a giant blowhard at least stick to your promises, or you're a hypocrite and a liar just like the politicians you complain about.

1. Pharmaceutical commercials. Ugh, I've had enough already. It's time to declare a moratorium on showing ads for anxiety, cholesterol, and dick drugs on TV. Here's the deal: if you don't feel well, go to your doctor and he'll suggest a proper drug for your aliment, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! If we can eradicate these commercials and the backwards thinking they've created, all of the major drug manufacturers would be forced to use the billions they spend on advertising and marketing every year and put it back into research. I know, it sounds too simple, it couldn't possibly work.

HAPPY 2006!!!

NFL Names: The Good, The Bad and the Sissy

2005-12-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

A name can mean a lot, and in the case of sports, it can make the difference between winning and losing. If you have a classic sounding name, you can go a long way. It's no mistake that Boomer Esiason never won anything, while Joe Montana gathered several rings in his NFL career. Marcus Allen has won championships, while Marty Fish has yet to land one. It's all in the name.

So let's take a look at some rules for NFL player names:

1. All names must pass the "John Facienda" test. Say the name in the classy baritone voice of former NFL Films narrator, like "Bronco Nagurski": if it sounds good, it passes.
2. First names that are too unusual have to go, and will be replaced by something more common. For instance, "De'Wayne" is not acceptable, so he can be "Wayne". All players named "Donte'" will simply be known as "Don", "La'Roi" will be called "Larry", and "Na'il" will be renamed "Neil". Naturally, Antwaan Randel El is now "Tony Randall".
3. Several players have potential, possessing good first names but bad last names, and vice versa, but are placed "on the fence" until one or both names is changed.

Without further ado, here is a sampling of current NFL player names.

The Good:
Kendrick Clancy
Alge Crumpler
Jerome Bettis
London Fletcher
Anquan Bolden
Takeo Spikes
Ty Law
Champ Bailey
Jeremy Shockey
Tedy Bruschi
Marcus Spears
Brian Urlacher
Osi Umenyiora

The Bad:
Chad Pennington
Corey Bradford
Julius Peppers
Drew Brees
Sage Rosenfels
Major Applewhite
Chad Clifton
A.J. Feeley
Jay Feely
Josh Scobee
Joey Harrington

The Sissy:
Ashley Lelie
Randall Gay

On The Fence:
Tiki Barber
Quentin Jammer
Brock Marion
Chad Slaughter
Sebastian Janikowski

That Can't Be Your Real Name:
Jeff Smoker
Pig Prather
Pacman Jones
Richie Incognito

NOVEMBER MARCH MADNESS!

2005-11-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the year: COLLEGE HOOPS is back! I know what you're saying, but trust me, you're wrong! Yes, it may be early, but not too early for November March Madness! Let's take a look at the NCAA basketball Sportsline RPI index (the Top 24 or so, I didn't really count)!

as of 11/18/2005
(Rank/School/Wins/Losses/RPI Index/SOS Rank/Strength of Schedule Index)

1 Syracuse 3 0 0.8929 16 0.5608
2 NC-Wilmington 3 0 0.8889 6 0.6296
3 Kentucky 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
3 Iowa 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
5 Albany 1 1 0.7583 8 0.6111
6 Florida 3 0 0.7440 43 0.4735
7 Texas Tech 2 1 0.7225 10 0.5873
8 Air Force 2 1 0.7016 15 0.5679
9 Texas 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
9 Samford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 Wofford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 West Virginia 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
13 Washington 3 0 0.6759 46 0.4568
14 Duke 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Drexel 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 UCLA 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Memphis 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
18 Northwestern 2 1 0.6296 17 0.5432
19 Wake Forest 2 1 0.6250 28 0.5000
20 Miami (Fla.) 2 1 0.6225 25 0.5185
21 Wisconsin-Green Bay 1 2 0.6029 6 0.6296
22 George Mason 1 1 0.6000 23 0.5222
23 Radford 2 1 0.5855 44 0.4691
24 Wyoming 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432
24 Butler 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432

Well, as they say, the numbers don't lie! As expected, some undefeated teams, and some usual suspects, are right there on top of the leaderboard. Will we see that dream matchup of Syracuse and North Carolina in the NCAA tourney finals? No, not the 2004-2005 NCAA Champion North Carolina Tarheels--when I say NC, of course I mean the Wilmington Seahawks! It will remain to be seen if they can keep their unbeaten streaks alive all season long!

As for the rest of the pack . . .

* Coach K's Duke Blue Devils may have the best team this year, but not if the great Albany Great Danes have anything to say about it! And those fiery Drexel Dragons are right on their heels--should be an exciting fight to the finish!
* The West Virginia Pittsnogels almost made it to the Final Four last year, but this time around they appear to be no match for Air Force's high flying attack!
* For the magic trio of Wofford, Samford, and Radford--that sweet smell is the Sweet 16! If this trend continues, Stanford can't be too far behind!
* Although they were squeezed by the Orange last night by 35 points, Don't Mess With Texas Tech!
* Does anyone really know where the hell Butler is? There's no way to know, but maybe this March we'll find out!

BLACK BEAR GOLF COURSE, Vernon, NJ - October 21, 2005

2005-10-27T22:45:00.000-04:00

RIAA: 50 CENT TO BE FEATURED ON ALL FUTURE MUSIC RELEASES

2005-09-28T15:45:00.000-04:00

On the heels of strong sales of rap music in 2005, largely due to the quadruple platinum success of 50 Cent's "The Massacre" and its numerous charting singles, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has announced that every album and single released this year will contain 50 Cent. Music consumers have already seen the precursors to this trend in several singles already released during the past few years, including The Game featuring 50 Cent ("How We Do", "Hate It Or Love It"), Li'l Kim featuring 50 Cent ("Magic Stick"), Eminem featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent ("Encore"). However, his insertion into future recorded music will increase exponentially in the coming months, in hopes to increase holiday sales of both compact discs and downloadable digital media.

Earlier this year, 50 Cent turned heads in the music industry when he appeared on three singles simultaneously in the Top 10 ("Candy Shop" #1, "Disco Inferno" #5, "How We Do" #6, Billboard, April 7, 2005), something not achieved since the Beatles ruled the charts in the 1960s. Subsequent marketing studies lead by the RIAA in conjunction with the major record labels show that record sales across the board can be increased by spreading into untapped demographics, and have decided to insert 50 Cent in some way, shape or form into everyone's music library, regardless of genre.

A brief rundown of the titles to be released in the coming year:

* "Da Gang's All Herre" - Justin Timberlake featuring L'il Kim, Li'l Jon, (formerly L'il) Bow Wow, The Ying Yang Twins and 50 Cent;
* "Live On The Edge or Die Tryin'" - Aerosmith featuring 50 Cent;
* "Unforgettable: Special Edition" - Natalie Cole featuring 50 Cent and Nat King Cole (CD+DVD);
* "Under The Sea" - SpongeBob SquarePants & 50 Cent, featuring Chris Martin from Coldplay;
* "The Three Tenors featuring 50 Cent: Live In Brooklyn" - Carreras, Domingo, Pavarotti & 50 Cent;
* "Hoes Just Wanna Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper featuring 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg;
* "Guilty n' Sentenced To 18 Months Probation" - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb featuring 50 Cent;
* Mozart's Symphony No. 41 in C Major, K. 551 ("Jupiter"), performed by The London Philharmonic Orchestra featuring 50 Cent on third violin.

These releases follow a "special edition" of "The Massacre" just released by Interscope Records, which is bundled with special remixes and a DVD. As a part of RIAA's ongoing effort to counteract music piracy, each employs special anti-piracy protection. Any attempts to rip more than one copy of each song will result in the user's system becoming infected by a Trojan horse virus (TROJ_MASSACRE.50C) which renders the operating system useless, unless 50 Cent is featured in the desktop wallpaper, browser, and all default system sounds.

However, it doesn't end there, as projects are in the works that will be felt beyond far beyond your subwoofers. To continue the cross-marketing of the hip-hop superstar, a new expansion pack for the popular video game "Medal of Honor" will be released in late 2005 entitled "Medal of Honor: The Massacre Featuring 50 Cent". In this extremely realistic war simulation, he will be a featured voice actor as the Allied forces wage battles against the Japanese in the Pacific theater during 1944-1945 (however, his character cannot be equipped with any weaponry during the course of the game, since he pleaded no contest to an assault charge in May 2005 and cannot carry a gun in some states).

Upcoming TV appearances are also planned, as 50 Cent joins the cast of "The O.C. featuring 50 Cent", where he portrays the southern California county's only African-American resident. Additionally, Denny's Restaurants have announced the release of a new sandwich called "In Da Club Sandwich, featuring Roasted Turkey, Lettuce, Tomatoes and 50 Cent", for the introductory price of $5.99 (not available on white bread).

FUCK EVERYTHING, GILLETTE'S DOING FIVE BLADES

2005-09-20T10:59:00.000-04:00

You might remember this Onion article about Gillette's next move, from February 2004. Well, it's happened. They've said f*** everything, they're doing five blades. [Thanks to Rob for pointing this out, otherwise I would have sh!t myself when I saw it in the store.]

The Onion "memo" and the official Gillette press release are eerily similar too:

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened-the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent-I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

Here's an excerpt from the Gillette press release (with the CEO dropping considerably less f-bombs). That's right, not only are the extra blades smaller and closer together (and, I would guess, practically invisible), they've even crammed a blade on the BACK OF THE CARTRIDGE. I wish I was making this up:

Gillette’s Next Generation Men’s Shaving Systems Start a Reaction

BOSTON, Mass., September 14, 2005 – The Gillette Company today announced the launch of Gillette Fusion™ and Gillette Fusion™ Power, revolutionary new wet shaving systems for men and the world’s first razors to feature advanced technology on the front and on the back of the blade cartridge. Both shaving systems outperform the world’s leading razors, MACH3Turbo and M3Power respectively, by incorporating breakthrough innovations that provide a dramatic increase in shaving closeness and comfort.

"Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving," said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. "Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership."

Both shaving systems feature a breakthrough 5 blade Shaving Surface™ technology on the front of the cartridge, with blades spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3
blades. The combination of adding more blades and narrowing the inter-blade span creates a "Shaving Surface" that distributes the shaving force across the blades, resulting in significantly less irritation and more comfort. The Precision Trimmer™ blade, a single blade on the back of the cartridge, allows men to easily trim sideburns, shave under the nose and shape facial hair with control and precision.

...

"The performance of Gillette Fusion and Fusion Power is unprecedented, and testing among thousands of consumers overwhelmingly proves these are the world’s best shaving systems," said Peter K. Hoffman, President, Blades and Razors, The Gillette Company. "We listened to consumers and developed products that meet the shaving needs of all men, with or without facial hair, to help them look and feel their very best."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Read that last statement again. They're so cocky, they think they can sell razors to men WITHOUT FACIAL HAIR. That's right, the PRESIDENT OF BLADES AND RAZORS is going to make you buy it, whether you need it or not, you son-of-a-bitch! I'm sure there was a marketing guy boggling his mind trying to figure out how to tap into the "hairless" demographic, to achieve complete market dominance. "It's not only how you look, it's how you feel, right? So somehow we have to convince men that if they don't buy the Fusion, they'll feel like complete assholes."

Here's my theory: the Gillette people saw the Onion article (it even has the CEO's real name on it), printed it out, hung it up on the wall, maybe even had a little conference featuring it in a funny PowerPoint presentation . . . and then actually got to work on creating a five blade razor. You think it's crazy? Well, it IS crazy. Don't question it. Don't say a word. We're on the edge, the razor's edge, and I feel like dancing.

MISSING: JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY

2005-08-28T17:00:00.000-04:00

This is kind of thing that steams my clams. It's the Natalee Holloway petition.

The petition is the most convoluted, ridiculous thing I've ever read, based not on facts or evidence, but solely on assumptions all gleaned from watching the media coverage of this story. A young girl on vacation is missing, and presumed dead, under mysterious circumstances. But because it's on the news every night people feel like they're entitled to know the truth, or worse: they already think they know what happened. Just because the media is sensationalizing it by counting the days ("Day 91: Missing in Aruba", like it's a frigging Nancy Drew book) and Greta von Something and Nancy Whatsherface are blabbing about it on TV non-stop every night, and the mother of the missing child is harassing suspects at their place of work in Aruba, it doesn't make the accusations any more valid, nor the case any closer to being solved. Basically, a little information is a dangerous thing, and that's all we have to go on. The media's constant coverage alone doesn't make it "apparent" that there's a conspiracy, it's merely the power of suggestion. Furthermore, since there's essentially no "new" news in this case, it serves no purpose other than to pray upon a parent's worst fear, just to get ratings. It's appalling.

Here's the 'fair and balanced' news: hundreds of people go missing every year, and they're never found. How come we don't have petitions for all of them? Is there no one missing in this country? Is there a special "American white girl" clause that I wasn't aware of? Because you watch 12 hours of MSNBCNN a day, that suddenly makes you an expert on Dutch law? Let's be honest: everything we know about the Dutch we learned from "Austin Powers in Goldmember". That's like saying I know a lot about Amsterdam because I drink a lot Amstel Light. How do we have the right to send in the FBI, and force US laws onto this case--because we're the US, and we say so?

Something obviously went horribly wrong and this girl ended up dead, and whether there was foul play or it was an accident, I can't make the call because I wasn't there. If the law enforcement in Aruba botched the investigation, it only shows that foreign countries are just as capable of ineptitude and negligence as we are (anyone heard of O.J. Simpson?). And if we're outraged over an alleged political cover up, we've got plenty of that in our own country to focus our attention on (Karl Rove, I'm looking at you). And although it's a horrible ordeal for the family and I don't wish it on anyone, it doesn't have anything to do with you or me.

The kicker is the "we will boycott Aruba" line in this petition. If the island of Aruba relies on American tourism for their income, don't you think that the Aruban officials are doing whatever they can to find out what happened? If they're covering up something, it only makes them look worse. Regardless, if you assume this is a massive conspiracy, and as a result you don't want to go to Aruba, don't go! Who's stopping you?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

2005-08-25T23:20:00.000-04:00

This just proves that they'll put anything on DVD nowadays, and I mean ANYTHING: "T.J. Hooker: The Complete 1st and 2nd Seasons" has been released. That's right, the triple threat of Shatner, Zmed and Locklear, in full digitized splendor, the way God intended. God, why have you betrayed us???

Instead of watching this crap, I have some other suggestions.

We'll start with perhaps one of the funniest Shatner moments (next to the SNL "Get a life" skit), when MTV had him spoof the movie "SE7EN" for the movie awards in 1996. Brilliant. Speaking of funny Canadians, it's Probert vs. Grimson from the "old" NHL, a crazy hockey goal, and the classic Daddy Drank from "Kids in the Hall".

Back in America (Fuck Yeah!), Conan's Walker, Texas Ranger Lever is hilarious, while Lewis Black in need of a new health plan, Robin Williams explains the origin of golf, and and Jim Rome "interviews" Chrissy "Jim" Everett.

We've also got some cartoon buffoonery! First, there's South Park's incredibly offensive, vile, and funny take on "The Aristocrats". And here are some Family Guy clips: Peter wins at Trivial Pursuit, a weird "banned" sex tape scene, Cookie Monster in rehab, and Chris takes on 'Take On Me', and the "Full Blown AIDS" song.

Will Ferrell, as late baseball announcer Harry Caray, asks the questions: Would you eat the moon if it was made of ribs? And if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Last, but surely not least, there's the Triumph trilogy, as he takes on the Wacko Jacko fans at the Michael Jackson Trial, some American Idol hopefuls, and the and Star Wars über-dorks. I never thought an insult comic dog puppet would be the funniest comedian of the past couple of years, but I don't see anyone else taking the crown. Except maybe George W. Bush. Everyone salute!

"You don't deal with lesser life forms? You must be a lonely guy! I keed, I keeeeed!!!"

VERBAL MASTICATION?

2005-08-09T12:55:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading the Douglas Coupland book "Hey Nostradamus!" It was an interesting, quick read that unfortunately meandered and lost steam at the end. Coupland is a Canadian writer best known for his book "Generation X", a term which became a mid-90s media catch phrase to refer to every single young adult at the time. However, the first novel of his that I read was "Microserfs", a surprisingly heartwarming story about a group of Microsoft employees/slaves trying to become more human in the increasingly pervasive world of technology; the blend of character development and witty pop culture references has made it one of my favorite books, sort of a "Catcher in the Rye, Version 2.0 for Windows".

I've since read two other books of his, so I decided to check out his website for the first time last night. I'm not sure what I expected; maybe I was secretly hoping he was a normal guy who is just really good at acute observations about the struggles of modern life. In any case, I was blissfully unaware of anything but his novels, and after checking out his "art", I now wish that I had stayed that way. Among his "sculptures" are "hand-chewed" US $1 bills, a Gideon's Bible, and a copy of his "Generation X" book, all fashioned into nests and attached to tree branches.

All I can say is: WTF? I guess you have to accept the fact that anyone who has a brilliant creative mind is going to be a little "out there", but that's a little too freaky for me. Seriously, how does one get to the point where they decide to eat their own writings (of their own free will)? Now I'm going to think twice about picking up another one of his books.

In a not wholly unrelated story, I also picked up James Ellroy's "My Dark Places", an upbeat, whimsical novel about his, uhm, mother's unsolved murder (yeah, it's a regular party). On the cover it has a sticker that says "Signed By The Author", which is kind of cool, but I didn't take it seriously since it's a library copy. But sure enough I found the initials "J.E.", hastily scrawled in blue ink on the first blank page. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was rather odd.

Which brings this question to mind: can I order a Douglas Coupland novel that was "chewed and regurgitated by the author"?

RAFAEL PALMEIRO'S BEST STEROID EXCUSES

2005-08-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

I could have sworn I reached for the "I Can't Believe It's Not Steroids!" [kw]

They hated on Jesus, too. [rv]

During lunch with Barry Bonds, I felt a sharp piercing pain in buttock, and just assumed I sat on a pin "unintentionally" left in my Armani suit. [jk]

In the twilight of my career, I decided to focus my career on setting an example for children of the dangers of using performance enhancing drugs by getting 3000 hits, hitting 600 home runs, getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and getting more 40-year old nookie than any other ballplayer in history… [sk]

Those steroids shrink your twig and berry down to nothing, I HAD to take Viagra. Wait, what am I suspended for? [rv]

I decided at age 40 to become a two-sport star, and was merely "training" for the upcoming NFL season. [jk]

Probably an inadvertent sample switch at the lab. Those autosampling robotics things never maintain sample integrity. That pee could be anybody's. [kw]

I was trying to get steroids out of baseball, one syringeful at a time. [rv]

I was doing "research", like Pete Townshend. [kw]

When Canseco gave me the little blue pill, I obviously thought it was related to Jose's other known pursuit. [ks]

It must have been that medication I took for my Viaggravated Groin. [kw]

Must have been absorbed when I shook hands with all the other players that never took steroids at the congressional hearing. [sk]

I thought that being appointed to the government's "Steroids Task Force" actually meant I was REQUIRED to take them. [jk]

Apparently, one of my teammates is not such a good "clubhouse guy" after all. That's the last time I wear my "GOT PEE?" T-shirt around there! [kw]

As spokesman for "Dianabol-O's!" cereal, I'm required to eat 10 bowls per day. [rv]

WOXY MUSIC

2005-07-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

I'll say it again: terrestrial radio both sucks AND blows. The latest offender in the NYC market is a thing called "Jack", which has just usurped longtime oldies station CBS 101.1 FM (which I didn't listen to either). The New York Times has informed me that it's just one of 18 automated, soulless stations that features the same taped voiceover actor making witty quips between the "hits" from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. There are also "Bob" (hits) and "Hank" (country hits) stations across the country I'm told. God help us. This whole "Jack" thing started in Vancouver, so we can blame Canada.

Meanwhile, I've been listening more and more to internet radio stations, in particular, WOXY.com. They started broadcasting in Cincinnati in 1982 as independent FM rock station until they couldn't break even anymore, and then became an internet-only venture. They might be the first station to do that. Anyway, I don't care if you listen since it might not be your cup of latte (they also have WOXY Vintage, if you'd prefer to be stuck in the 80s), but I thought I'd mention them since they like people linking to their site. I guess it increases awareness and their web traffic, which through some e-magic, ultimately leads to more money, which is always good. Now, if they could only get these guys on Sirius satellite radio, I might cave in and buy it . . .

RANDOM TASKS

2005-07-22T12:30:00.000-04:00

IT'S ABOUT THE FANS (EXCEPT FOR THAT LOCKOUT THING)! Today, they're ratifying the new NHL CBA at 3 PM, and holding the draft lottery at 4 PM. Afterwards, they're having a "NHL: We Love Our Fans" Picnic on Ice at 6:30 PM (hamburgers and cole slaw is $9, and beers are $11 each), the highlight of which is sure to be Goodenow and Bettman pairing up for the potato sack race, followed by an hour long "Hug A Defenseman" photo-op. Okay, I made that last part up. And I know they have to put a positive spin on everything to "get the fans back", but I think most people can see through the thick layer of post-lockout bullshit that they're spreading. After all, if it was really "about the fans", why did they cancel an entire season?

RUDY! RUDY! WAIT, RUDY? Now let me just say that first of all I like the man, and thought he was an absolute rock on during the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers. But just because he was mayor of New York City on 9/11 doesn't suddenly make him an expert on terrorism and mass transit security. In fact, wasn't he out of office long before Homeland Security was in effect, and years before the Madrid bombings raised concerns about security on buses, trains, and subways? Regardless, the glut of MSNBCNN type news channels have no problem interviewing him concerning the London bombings, even though he doesn't really have any real experience with it. Hey, they have to fill the time with SOMETHING besides the blonde teenager missing in Aruba.

WHAT WOULD T.O. DO?
I try to ignore athletes when they open their mouths, but sometimes you just can't avoid it. Sometimes they say interesting things, like Mike Schmidt on Bob Costas' new show, who said that he doesn't learn a damn thing about the game of baseball while listening to announcers like McCarver and Buck (not a surprise, but still funny). Most of the time, they give you nonsense cliches, However, the vast majority of the time, the stuff that spews forth is akin to Terrell Owens' latest bout of verbal diarrhea:

Owens, who wants a renegotiation of his seven-year, $49 million deal, which he signed last year, was asked about his contract conflict with the Eagles and told the Miami Herald, "I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?

Yeah sure, I see the similarities, Terrell Owens is a lot like Jesus Christ. For instance, while J.C. was betrayed by Judas Iscariot at the Last Supper, T.O. was betrayed by Donovan McNabb in the Last Quarter. While J.C. could miracuously walk on water, T.O. could run on turf with a broken leg. And when you play the DVDs of "Super Bowl XXXIX" and "Passion of the Christ" simultaneously on two separate TVs, Bill Belichek shows up on the screen at the exact same time as Pontius Pilate several times. And don't forget that Jesus, a swift cornerback during his playing days who had great hands, excellent field vision but didn't always finish his tackles, held out before his second season. So what's the big deal? By the way, Terrell, I don't think they just chucked a few stones at J.C., in the aforementioned Gospel According To Mel, and Jesus' Press Kit (The Bible), it says that they actually crucified him. To death. You can't "hate on" someone more than that.

Anyway, since it's now part of the Patriot Act that you must make a prediction at the end of every sports related conversation/article/statement, I (am required to) predict that if the Eagles dump T.O. before this season, they will win the Super Bowl. This is the Word of the Lord.

NHL: LOCK IN?

2005-07-18T18:49:00.000-04:00

The NHL lockout is finally over, if they ratify this deal (and if they know what's good for them, they should). Well, it's about freaking time. Goodenow and Bettman didn't quit, but you can't have everything . . .

So here are some proposed new slogans for the NHL:

COME BACK AND WE'LL PIMP YOUR RIDE!
THE NHL: IT'S PUCKTASTIC!
COME FOR THE HOCKEY, STAY FOR THE BLOODY FISTICUFFS
REMEMBER US? YEAH, UHM, WE'RE BACK. IS THAT OKAY? YOU DIDN'T THROW OUT MY TOOTHBRUSH, DID YOU?
NOW NEARLY CANADIAN FREE!
OUR GOAL: THE COLDEST TASTING SPORT IN THE WORLD.
ALL SKATE!
KISS MY ASS!

No Fans? No Games? NO PROBLEM!!! 15 MILLION DOLLARS CASH BACK DIRECT FROM THE PKAYERS!!! WE ACCEPT ANY TRADE!!! 0.0% FINANCING FOR QUALIFIED OWNERS!!!
Everything you hated about the NHL is 76% back.
The NHL: Skating backwards into the future!
The NHL: Hey, any league can have a bad decade.

The Puck Drops Here... No Seriously it does.
NHL: Where the offseason is an indeterminate amount of time.
NHL: Never let them see you skate!!!
I know, It's only NHL, but I like it!! Like it!! Yes I do!
Is your Wood Bent? Ours is....The NHL. We're back.. and we're bent.
You! Mr. 301 days in the Penalty Box for Unsportsmanlike Conduct! You can come out now!
The NHL LUCKOUT Starts today!!!
The new look NHL, If it were any hotter, it'd be Water Polo!!
The NHLPA - Leave off the last "S" for Screwed.
The NHL - "No Hard Luck"
Introducing The Stanley Cap!!!
NHL: Ice is a terrible thing to waste.
NHL & Walmart: Now with 24% Rollback!!!
NHL 2K5!! Sounds like a Video Game!!!
NHL: Is it live or is it Memorex?
NHL: Come see us or else we'll cry.
NHL: Are we good now? You bet, man!!!
NHL: Now back from Sabbatical.
NHL: New Hockey Look, same great taste.
NHL: We need more of your money.

NHL: Wish you were Here
NHL: If you can find a better sport on ice in North America, by all means go!
NHL Guarantee: fewer players on steriods than MLB
Nissan is the #4 automaker in the world; you all like Nissan, right?
THAT'S RIGHT, WE DIDN'T PLAY LAST YEAR (WE BARELY NOTICED EITHER)
PLEASE COME BACK, OUR CHILDREN NEED VACCINATIONS
THE NHL: PARTIALLY FILLING ARENAS NEAR YOU [AGAIN], SOON
WE KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ALL OF YOU TO GO TO EUROPE TO WATCH OUR PROFESSIONALS PLAY, WE WON'T THAT HAPPEN AGAIN, AT LEAST UNTIL THE END OF THIS CBA.
J.R., NOT JUST FROM DALLAS ANYMORE (damn that would work a lot better if roenick had played for the stars)

A PLACE CALLED VERTIGO

2005-07-06T16:48:00.000-04:00

This was an email thread from July 6, 2005 about the new Nyack bar called Vertigo.
___________________________________________

Rob: The new bar/restaurant at 91 Main Street has finally opened. It's called "Vertigo". I don't know where that name came from, but already I've heard stories that Larry Mullen is one of the owners. That's probably a myth, but who knows, he does have a house in Nyack. But then, why would they have a fake U2 band playing there in August? Anyway, my point is, I would have been (bean) more likely to go had they named it "Vertullo", which is just a few letters off. Now this may sound silly, but consider that since I've left Suffern, The Celtic House, Chubby's, Muggs Pub, and Ramapo Vally BrewPub have closed, and I expect the closure of former mainstay Walsh's any day now.

Karl:
In other NYU2K news,
Zoobar is changing it's name to Zooropa Bar, incidentally home of the inextinguishable fire.
Bruxelles is changing it's name to "Sunday Bruxelles Sunday",
Bourbon Street is now to be known as "Bourbon Streets have no name",
And please refer to the Hudson House is now referred to as Hewson House.
Casa de los tres Soles
Lest we forget, the Pediatric Throat Disease Wing of Nyack Hospital is now to be called the Ache Tongue Baby Center.

Rob:
River Club will change to River’s Edge
Oasis Grill, not quite sure what’s happening, will change its name to “Beatles Barbecue”
Hilltop will now be One Tree Hilltop (home of Lobster della Bono)

Jeff:
Olive's => Olive is Blindness
Luna Lounge => Lemon Lounge
Wasabi => With Or Wasabi
Golden Mushroom => Silver & Golden Mushroom
The King & I => Elvis Presley & America
Barz => Mysterious Gays
OVI => MLK
Walsh's => Bad

Don't forget the "Swedish Thing" who works at Sunday Bruxelles Sunday. As the song goes: "You know she likes black guys . . . "

THIS MONTH'S MINOR ANNOYANCES!

2005-06-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

I've noticed that my rants aren't even true rants anymore, they're merely minor annoyances that I feel the need to complain about to no one in particular. Meh. Too bad, you have to read them anyway.

Court: Some Ten Commandments Displays OK

There's nothing like a hard line stance! That's the most wishy-washy decision I've ever seen. I'm 100% sure Judge Judy didn't have anything to do with this. So is it okay, or not, should I ask Mel Gibson first . . . ?

Americans Migrate to Cities in South, West

Good! Get the hell out! Who needs ya? That means more beer for us. Of course, you'd never be able to tell by the traffic around here that people are leaving in droves . . . maybe each person was replaced by a car that automatically drives itself during peak hours?

WFAN’s Mike and the Mad Dog will broadcast live for 24 straight hours for the first time ever!

Oh dear God! This is one of the Signs of the Apocalypse! The End of Days is nigh! So this is a perfect time for me to call them up and scream about a random New York athlete's perceived incompetance. "Mikey, Doggy, first time long time, I think the [LOCAL SPORTS TEAM] have to get rid of [PLAYER NAME], he's a bum, he's no good, and I can't stand him anymore! They gotta get rid of this guy, I think they should trade him for [BEST PLAYER ON SOME OTHER TEAM], I want to hear your thoughts, I'll hang up and listen!"

EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES . . . HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE

"Bewitched" is the second movie starring Nicole Kidman in which she plays a witch (the first being 1997's "Practical Magic"). Not only that, but both movie trailers and soundtracks made use of the song "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by the Police. For the love of Dick York, can't they come up with ONE ORIGINAL THOUGHT?!? Add that to the pile of remakes, TV and comic book adaptations, and Batman and Star Wars prequels . . . and everyone is wondering why movie attendance is down. Huh, beats me.

SPAM? A LOT

No, not the e-mail selling tactic that MSN Hotmail is poweless to stop, it's "Monty Python's SPAMALOT", the Best Musical of the Year (according to a small groups of aging Jewish homosexuals--I mean, according to the Tony Awards voters). A group of us saw it last month, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was a hilarious extrapolation of the movie, and I wondered afterwards why I haven't seen more Broadway shows. Just a brief sampling of the 2005 Tony Awards telecast made me say to myself, "Ohhhh yeah, that's why." I think any song from "Light In The Piazza" sums up everything about the Great White Way that gives me douche chills and sends me running for a sports bar.

(What a segue.)

MAD SKILLS

With the 2005 MLB All Star Craptacular coming up, I was wondering: are they still having the Home Run Derby this year? I guess they have to since its become an institution, but it's not going to be as "juiced" as it used to be. I can see it now: "Albert Pujols wins the 2005 Home Run Derby with, uhm, well, only ONE home run hit, which honestly wouldn't have cleared the fence if it hadn't bounced off of guest outfielder Jose Canseco's head . . . " I think they should just have a skills competition: fastest player to run from first to third, best catcher at throwing out runners at second, best pitcher at hitting the corners, best spray hitter. And it can all culminate with the LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BUNTING DERBY!

YOU JUST GOT OWNED

A recent Times interview of the current New Jersey Nets owner Bruce Ratner, who is planning on moving the team into a new arena in Brooklyn (to be designed by Frank "Ugliest Sports Trophy Ever" Gehry), included the line: "I was never a basketball fan, but I wanted to bring a team to Brooklyn." Great, a basketball team's future being decided by a guy who isn't a basketball fan. Add him to a hockey commissioner who has tried to run the sport like the David Stern's NBA, complete with marketing gurus (and has so far failed) . . . and people wonder why we hate these guys?

FUNNIEST T-SHIRT EVER

Sold at a recent interleague game where the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim visited the Los Angeles Dodgers: "THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF LOS ANGELES". Brilliant!

DON'T LET THAT DRAFT IN HERE!

If you thought the NFL Draft was "Must See TV", than you had to have tuned in for the NBA Draft. I couldn't watch it, because all the talk beforehand made me realize that they speak a whole other language. Players are no longer tall, they're "long". However, this word cannot be used to describe the length of their arms, which has been replaced by "wingspan". [This would be my test for a player's wingspan: have him jump off a cliff, and see how long he can soar using just his arms!] A player doesn't have "potential", they have "tremendous upside". Forget about terms like "vertical leap", "jumping ability" or even "ups": players are now "bouncy". He's not "quick", he has "blow-by-ability". And these commentators feel the need to constantly point out that these athletes are "athletic". How sad. I guess that's all you can talk about when the entire league is filled with players who lack basic fundamentals and the ability to shoot the ball.

TREND I HOPE WILL BE APPLIED TO MY LIFE

It's my fervent hope that all African nations are relieved of their debt, then maybe I can have all of my debt erased as well. It's only fair. I mean, why can't Pink Floyd reunite to help raise awareness about my massive credit card debt?

CLOSING JOKE: "Baked Lays" are the ugly chicks you end up banging only because you're high.

Thank you, good night!

THE LEVELS OF LOSING

2005-06-23T14:19:00.000-04:00

ESPN.com makes you pay to get all the old articles that Bill Simmons wrote. Pay for a website? Please, this isn't porn. So I decided to copy/paste this one as a big ol' FU 2 ESPN. It's a funny article (if a little dated).

****************************************************
By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Editor's note: This article originally ran on May 28, 2002.

After an NBA playoff weekend featuring not one, not two, but three tormenting losses, it seemed like the perfect time to break out my "Levels of Losing" gimmick (a work-in-progress over the years).

For instance, while watching the Nets blow a 26-point lead in the final 13 minutes of Game 3 (Nets-Celtics), I was thinking to myself, "This is a Broken Axle game." After Big-Game Bob Horry nailed his game-winning 3-pointer in Game 4 (Kings-Lakers), I thought, "That's a second-level Stomach Punch Game." When the Nets kept taking it to the Celtics in Monday's Game 4, it took on "This Can't Be Happening" proportions for three quarters, then shifted into second-level "Stomach Punch" proportions down the stretch (Pierce missing the game-tying free throws, then Tony Battie nearly making a game-tying putback at the buzzer).

This doesn't make sense yet? Don't worry ... it will. Without further ado, here's my updated guide to the "Levels of Losing," culled from years of unfortunate experiences as a sports fan. Please note that we're ignoring run-of-the-mill losses and concentrating on memorable defeats (buzzer-beaters, blowouts, choke jobs, etc.) in big moments (pivotal games in a playoff series, Game 7s, NFL playoff games, losses that submarine regular seasons, etc.).

Here are the 13 (appropriate number, eh?) levels I unearthed, from least painful to most painful:

Level XIII: The Princeton Principle
Definition: When a Cinderella team hangs tough against a heavy favorite, but the favorite somehow prevails in the end (like Princeton almost toppling Georgetown in the '89 NCAAs) ... this one stings because you had low expectations, but those gritty underdogs raised your hopes ... also works for boxing, especially in situations like Balboa-Creed I ("He doesn't know it's a damn show! He thinks it's a damn fight!") ... the moment that always sucks you in: in college hoops, when they show shots of the bench scrubs leaping up and down and hugging each other during the "These guys won't go away!" portion of the game, before the collapse at the end.

Personal Memory: The first round of the '95 NBA playoffs between Boston (No. 8 seed) and Orlando (No. 1 seed), the final season of the Boston Garden, when the C's (with a motley group of has-beens and nobodies) split the first two games in Orlando, then nearly polished off the Magic at home before Shaq, Penny and the gang prevailed. Those Celtics were woefully overmatched, but it was the magical Garden's last gasp; the electric atmosphere suckered us into thinking, "Damn, we might actually win this thing!" It was extremely tough to leave that place after Game 4.

Level XII: The Achilles' Heel
Definition: This defeat transcends the actual game, because it revealed something larger about your team, a fatal flaw exposed for everyone to see ... flare guns are fired, red flags are raised, doubt seeps into your team ... usually the beginning of the end (you don't fully comprehend this until you're reflecting back on it).

Personal Memory: And only because I wagered on the losing team ... but do you remember the Sunday night game when the Steelers rolled over the Ravens in Baltimore last December? Even though the Ravens had been underachieving all season, they were still considered to be the sleeping giant in the AFC. Not after that game. They were never the same. You just knew the torch had been passed in the AFC Central.

Level XI: The Alpha Dog
Definition: It might have been a devastating loss, but at least you could take solace that a superior player made the difference in the end ... unfortunately, he wasn't playing for your team ... you feel more helpless here than anything ... for further reference, see any of MJ's games in the Finals against Utah ('97 and '98).

Personal Memory: Flipping things around, remember Game 5 of the '99 ALDS (Red Sox-Indians), when Pedro Martinez came out of the bullpen and slammed the door on Cleveland's season? Six innings of no-hit ball with an injured shoulder? Nothing you could do about that. Pedro came jogging in from the bullpen like Clint Eastwood ... and Indians fans knew they were finished. See you next year.

Level X: The Rabbit's Foot
Definition: Now we're starting to get into "Outright Painful" territory ... this applies to those frustrating games and/or series where every single break seemingly goes against your team ... unbelievably frustrating ... you know that sinking, "Oh, God, I've been here before" feeling when something unfortunate happens, when your guard immediately goes shooting up? ... yeah ... I'm wincing just writing about it.

Personal Memory: The Red Sox-Yanks playoff series from '99, when everything went against the Sox -- two potential homers bouncing off the top of the wall, egregiously bad umpiring, seeing-eye singles and bloop hits and everything else. After a while, you start battling that nagging, unshakable, "It's not our year" feeling, which takes on a life of its own and swallows your team whole. Nothing destroys a season faster than bad karma.

Level IX: The Sudden Death
Definition: Is there another fan experience quite like overtime hockey, when every slap shot, breakaway and centering pass might spell doom, and losing feels 10 times worse than winning feels good (if that makes sense)? ... there's only one mitigating factor: when OT periods start piling up and you lose the capacity to care anymore; invariably you start rooting for the game to just end, just so you don't suffer a heart attack ... bonus points because one of these happened last night: Colorado's game-winning OT goal against Detroit.

Personal memory: Game 1, Bruins-Oilers, 1990 Stanley Cup Finals, the tail end of my sophomore year in college, when everyone from school trekked down to Cape Cod for seven days of drinking and general mayhem. On this particular night, my buddy Sully and I skipped out of a party to watch the third period at a Hyannis bar. Just the third period, right? It ended up being the first OT. And the second OT. And the third OT. Imagine the most nerve-wracking moment of your life, then imagine it ballooning to three-plus hours. That's playoff hockey.

Anyway, by the time Edmonton's Petr Klima drove a stake into our hearts around 1 a.m., we were drunk, drained, jittery and semi-suicidal. I don't even really remember what happened after that. I think we ended up walking down Route 6 and hitchhiking or something. Who knows? We didn't even know what to do. If I bumped into Sully 50 years from now, "Glen Wesley missing the net in the second OT" would be the first thing we brought up. I can't even talk about this anymore.

Level VIII: Dead Man Walking
Definition: Applies to any playoff series when your team remains "alive," but they just suffered a loss so catastrophic and so harrowing that there's no possible way they can bounce back ... especially disheartening because you wave the white flag mentally, but there's a tiny part of you still holding out hope for a miraculous momentum change ... so you've given up, but you're still getting hurt, if that makes sense ... just for the record, I thought this would apply to the Nets after their Game 3 collapse (I couldn't have been more wrong).

Decent Example: Remember Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals in '93 (Knicks-Bulls), when Charles Smith had all those chances to make the winning layup and kept getting stuffed, so the Knicks lost home-court advantage and had to travel to Chicago for Game 6? They didn't have a chance in hell. Bring this game up to a Knicks fan and they invariably start dropping F-bombs.

Personal Memory: Two quintessential examples, both from the '86 baseball playoffs.

Games 6 and 7 of the ALCS (Red Sox-Angels), following the dramatic Game 5 when the Angels (three outs from the World Series) blew a 5-2 lead in the ninth inning (capped off by Dave Henderson's go-ahead homer with two strikes and two outs in the ninth, as policeman surrounded the field and the Angels bench was ready to run onto the field). If that wasn't bad enough, the Angels tied the game in the bottom of the ninth, had two chances with the bases loaded to score the winning run, then blew the game in the 11th. Then they flew cross-country to Boston to play Games 6 and 7, which they promptly lost by a combined score of 132-2. Talk about Dead Man Walking.

Game 7 of the '86 World Series, when we knew the Red Sox could never recover from the 10th inning of That Game -- WE %$$#%@% KNEW IT! -- yet they pulled the Michael Corleone "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!" routine by staking Bruce Hurst to a 3-0 lead in the early innings. I hate this game. Just thinking about it makes me angry -- how the %$%# did they rope me in again after Game 6? Let's just move on before I start slamming my head against the desk ...

Level VII: The Monkey Wrench
Definition: Any situation where either A) the manager/coach of your team made an idiotic game decision, or B) a referee/umpire robbed your team of impending victory ... the Monkey Wrench game gains steam as the days and months roll along ... the Patriots and Raiders deserve special mention here because they played two Monkey Wrench games 26 years apart -- the '76 Playoff Game (where Ben Dreith's dubious "roughing the passer" call on "Sugar Bear" Hamilton gave the Raiders second life), and this January's Snow Game (the Brady fumble/non-fumble) ... funny how life works out.

Best Example: Don Denkinger's famous call in Game 6 of the '85 World Series (Cardinals-Royals). We don't even need to go there.

Personal Memory: The ninth inning of a tie game during Game 7 of the '75 World Series, when Red Sox manager Darrell Johnston pitched untested rookie Jim Burton. I was 5 years old at the time ... even I knew this was a bad idea. Peter Gammons always mentions a funny story about being in a bar two months later and watching a drunken Sox fan scream out, "Why did they pull Willoughby and bring in Burton???" before passing out on the bar. That's the classic Monkey Wrench story.

Level VI: The Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking
Definition: Sometimes you can tell right away when it isn't your team's day ... and that's the worst part, not just the epiphany but everything that follows -- every botched play, every turnover, every instance where someone on your team quits, every "deer in the headlights" look, every time an announcer says, "They can't get anything going," every shot of the opponents celebrating, every time you look at the score and think to yourself, "Well, if we score here and force a turnover, maybe we'll get some momentum," but you know it's not going to happen, because you're already 30 points down ... you just want it to end, and it won't end ... but you can't look away ... it's the sports fan's equivalent to a three-hour torture session.

Best Example: The 2001 NFC Championship Game (Vikings-Giants). The Giants took the kickoff, rolled down the field and scored in four plays ... Minnesota fumbled the ensuing kickoff ... now the New York crowd was going bonkers, a sea of blue ... Collins lofted a TD pass to the fullback ... 14-0 ... Fox's cameras caught Green staring at the field in shock ... the Giants were whooping it up ... Minnesota couldn't respond on offense ... Madden was saying things like "There's just no fire on that Minnesota sideline" and "They just don't look crisp at all" ... Culpepper tossed an interception, followed by a Giants field goal (17-0) ... and that's when my buddy, Geoff (a die-hard Vikes fan) left a despondent message on my answering machine: "It's over."

Personal memory: January '86. Pats-Bears. Super Bowl XX. Ugh. I was so nervous before that game, I watched it by myself, surrounded by all kinds of junk food, various magazines and newspapers and everything else you could imagine, like I was headed for Sports Fan War. And within 30 minutes, it was over. Watching Eason fold like an accordion, watching Grogan standing helplessly on the sidelines, watching the Bears dancing and jiving, watching the Pats roll over and die, watching the Bears whooping it up, and worst of all, watching the freaking Fridge score a touchdown ... good God almighty.

Level V: The "This Can't Be Happening" Game
The sibling of the Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking ... you're supposed to win, you expect to win, the game is a mere formality ... suddenly your team falls behind, your opponents are fired up, the clock is ticking and it dawns on you for the first time, "Oh my God, this can't be happening."

Best Example: Round 2 of the '97 Playoffs, when Brunell and the Jaguars stunned the No. 1 seed Broncos at Mile High. Watching that one on TV, you could feel the collective sphincter of the Broncos and their fans tightening as the game went along. This can't be happening, this can't be happening ...

Personal memory: Game 7 of the '82 Eastern Conference Finals, when the Celts rallied from a 3-1 deficit to force a seventh game against Philly at home (just like they did the previous spring, when they eventually won the title). Not only had the Celts never lost a Game 7 at the Garden, during a Game 5 comeback that Wednesday, Boston fans chanted, "See you Sunday! See you Sunday!" at the Sixers bench (inferring that the C's would win Friday's Game 6 in Philly, which they did).

Needless to say, our confidence had surged to dizzying heights. It never even entered our minds that we might lose. I remember seeing fans walking around the Garden wearing white sheets and dressed as "The Ghosts of Garden Past" -- an unreal atmosphere, certainly an impossible place for Philly to win. Um ... right? Unfortunately, Andrew Toney (one of the truly underrated NBA stars of my lifetime) had other ideas; nobody on the Celts could guard him. And you could feel that twinge of "Uh-oh" in the air, as we slowly realized things weren't working out like we had planned.

Wait a second ... this can't be happening ...

Level IV: The Broken Axle
Definition: When the wheels come flying off in a big game, leading to a complete collapse down the stretch ... this one works best for basketball, like Game 3 of the Celtics-Nets series this year, or Game 7 of the Blazers-Lakers series in 2000 ... you know when it's happening because A) the home crowd pushes their team to another level, and B) the team that's collapsing becomes afflicted with Deer-In-The-Headlitis ... it's always fascinating to see how teams bounce back from the Broken Axle Game ... by the way, nobody has been involved in more Broken Axle games than Rick Adelman.

Best Example: I hate bringing golf into this, because it isn't a team sport, but remember that Masters Tournament when Greg Norman blew the six-stroke lead to Nick Faldo, then ended up losing by, like, five strokes? That was the all-time Broken Axle moment. Plus, writing a "Levels of Losing" column and not mentioning Greg Norman would have been almost sacrilege.

Personal Memory: With 1:06 remaining in the Celts-Nets game on Saturday, the Celts whittled it down to one and the Fleet Center roof was blowing off. So Byron Scott calls time out and tries to pull the George Karl/Pat Riley routine; in other words, he stands about 10 feet away from the bench, his back turned, staring out to the court and hoping that his guys will talk things out and band together. Of course, the five Nets starters were sitting there, heads down, elbows on their knees ... and nobody said a word. In three decades of Celtics games, I've never seen a team look more demoralized. You couldn't have dug a ditch big enough for them.

Level III: The Guillotine
Definition: This one combines the devastation of the Broken Axle game with sweeping bitterness and hostility ... your team's hanging tough (hell, they might even be winning), but you can feel the inevitable breakdown coming, and you keep waiting for the guillotine to drop, and you just know it's coming -- you know it -- and when it finally comes, you're angry that it happened and you're angry at yourself for contributing to the debilitating karma ... these are the games when people end up whipping their remote controls against a wall or breaking their hands while pounding a coffee table ... too many of these and you'll end up in prison.

Best Example: Game 7 of the '97 World Series (Indians-Marlins), when Cleveland's Jose Mesa gave up the game-tying run in the ninth inning. Every Indians fan knew it was coming. Of course, the '97 World Series never happened, so it's probably a moot point. We need to get that one wiped out of the record books.

Personal Memory: Just about every crucial Bruins-Canadiens playoff game from the '70s, especially the unforgettable "Too Many Men on the Ice" game in '79, when the B's blew a chance to advance to the Cup finals by getting called for one of the lamest penalties in hockey (Guy Lafleur tied the score in the final minute, then the Habs finished us off in OT). One of two games that actually made Young Sports Guy cry in the '70s (along with the '78 Yanks-Sox playoff game); I couldn't figure out how I was 8 years old, yet I knew the Canadiens were coming back. Just excruciating.

Level II: The Stomach Punch
Definition: Now we've moved into rarefied territory, any roller-coaster game that ends with A) an opponent making a pivotal (sometimes improbable) play, or B) one of your guys failing in the clutch ... usually ends with fans filing out after the game in stunned disbelief, if they can even move at all ... always haunting, sometimes scarring ... there are degrees to the Stomach Punch Game, depending on the situation ... for instance, Sunday's Kings-Lakers game and Monday's Celts-Nets game featured agonizing endings, but they weren't nearly as agonizing as Cleveland's Earnest Byner fumbling against Denver when he was about two yards and 0.2 seconds away from sending the Browns to the Super Bowl).

Best Example: Wouldn't it have to be the Titans-Bills playoff game from '99, when the Bills kicked the alleged game-winning field goal in the final seconds, then Tennessee pulled off that miracle Wycheck-to-Dyson lateral play for the game-winning TD (on the kickoff, with no time remaining)? Not only was that a Top 5 Stomach Punch game, it doubled as the greatest Gambling Moment of all-time (since Tennessee ended up covering by a half-point). That was un-beeeeeeeeeeeeeee-lievable.

Personal Memory: Magic draining that baby sky hook to topple the Celts in Game 4 of the '87 Finals, capping off a Celtics collapse and preceding Bird nearly saving the game at the buzzer (he missed a 25-foot prayer by about 1/100th of an inch). Fifteen years have passed and I still haven't fully recovered from that chain of events. Unreal.

Level I: That Game
Definition: Game 6 of the 1986 World Series ... one of a kind ... given the circumstances and the history involved here, maybe the most catastrophic sports loss of our lifetime.

Personal memory: The only game that actually combined The Guillotine and The Stomach Punch. No small feat. Let's just hope we never travel down that road again.

Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.

BURNING QUESTION: How many female Indy driver jokes can we come up with in one day?

2005-05-31T23:00:00.000-04:00

by Jeff Kammann, Rob Vertullo, Tom Bookless, Kris Salo

I heard Danica trained for the Indy 500 by circling around the mall parking lot for hours trying to get the closest space. (jk)

I heard she would have won, but pulled over to ask for directions on lap 190. (rv)

I heard the other drivers got out of her way, thought she was on her cell phone. (tb)

The other drivers were confused because she had her right turn blinker on the entire race. (rv)

She would have won it if she didn't decide to apply her makeup in the rearview mirror during the final few laps. (jk)

Apparently, some of the other drivers complained because she cried her way out of a black flag. (ks)

She would have won if she didn't have to drop off the kids for soccer practice. (jk)

She would have won if not for the tactical error of getting a manicure during a pit stop. (jk)

Critical error, stopping on lap 128 to put on different colored flame-retardant jumpsuit, then having to find matching shoes. (rv)

Couldn't resist stopping for Memorial Day Sale at Bloomingdale's. (jk)

Left her purse on the roof of the car at the start, and had to go back to get it. (tb)

Too busy looking for her husband's credit card to pay for her gas. (tb)

Car was a bit sluggish since last tune-up was 87,000 miles ago. (rv)

Biggest obstacle to overcome: helmet hair. (jk)

Refused to wear white jumpsuit, thought it made her look too fat. (jk)

"Checkered" flag no longer in style, according to newest issue of Vogue magazine. (jk)

She ran out of gas because she missed the exit. (jk)

She rode her brakes for the entire race, affecting her speed just enough to lose. (ks)

She stopped abruptly and turned around because she "thought she ran over a woodchuck". (jk)

Uses a secret fuel additive to boost speed: nail polish remover. (jk)

ADDENDUM: Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons of ESPN2 fame made a good joke in his "mailbag" article about female drivers as well (he must have been reading this blog):

Q: Did you injure anything jumping on Danica Patrick's bandwagon this weekend?
– Jerry T., Roanoke, Va.

SG: I wrenched my neck a little but that was about it. Actually, my dad and stepmom were in town this weekend, and since my stepmom is a raging feminist, every time they showed the inside of Patrick's car, I muted the volume on the TV and pretended I was Patrick talking to her pit crew: "Look, I told you, I'm going as fast as I can! I can't drive when you're talking to me!!! Stop telling me how to drive!!! I'm going to pull over and get out right now, I swear to God!" That was more fun than the actual race.

(Come on, somebody has to make these jokes.)

LIVING OFF THE FAT OF THE LAND

2005-05-25T15:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know which makes me sicker: this story about Burger King's CEO making oodles of money selling horrible food he doesn't even eat, or the actual BK food itself. I've seen the words "Enormous Omelette Sandwich" on a BK sign, and I knew it couldn't be good. It turns out it's a 760 calorie, 50 grams of fat monstrosity of a breakfast sandwich consisting of "two slices of melted American cheese, two fluffy eggs, three crispy strips of bacon, and a sizzling sausage patty, piled high on a toasted bun". Good God. The only thing missing is rich creamery butter. I pictured this jackass running up the side of a mountain, stopping to check his pulse, and looking down at the sea of humanity below him and bellowing, "So, what do my fatties crave today?"

One of my favorite quotes (it's hard to choose just one) is about their new "Red Bull-inspired" coffee: "with 40 percent more caffeine than regular", for those who "partied a little hard the night before," says Denny Post, chief concept officer." First of all, even if these guys "partied hard", they'd never touch a cup of that stuff (one of them already confessed to only drinking decaf). They go home to their mansions, after making their hard earned six-or-seven-figure salary selling garbage to bovine America, to eat their salad and tofu, washing it down with $20 bottles of mineral water. Secondly, I love the fact that they call those who are trying to get people to avoid fast food joints and eat heathlier foods "nutrition Nazis". The fucking stones on these guys, it amazes me. Wait, back up a sec: "chief concept officer"? What kind of made-up bullshit title is that?

Here's my final question: how do you cater to the 18-34 year old demographic if your food prevents them from living that long? How do you make money if you're killing the very people who pay your salary?

Acronumb: BALTUSROL

2005-05-22T20:35:00.000-04:00

After we decided to get 2005 PGA Tournament tickets, Karl decided to make an acronym out of BALTUSROL, the golf course where it is being held. This sparked a flurry of e-mails which, as you can see, slowly turned into a comedy blizzard. Here are the results. Some of them are pretty damn funny.
______________________________________________

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 4:19 PM
Beautiful area. Love those undulating sinusoidal rollings of landscape.

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Barely anyone likes to use silly rearrangements of language

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 7:31 PM
Be alert ladies, the universal stud Rob's out looking!!!

"Kammann, Jeff"
Best are ladies that understand something: Rob's often libating.

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:57 PM
Balls all lost, tallying up scores, Rob's our lowest!

karl wagner wrote:
"Boy, alcohol lately tastes underrated" said Rob out loud!

karl wagner wrote:
"Better alcohol later than understanding sooner" -Rob's old lingo

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
Beer, ale, lager (the usual suspects), rum. Oh, liquor!

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Blue Hill, Augusta, Laurel Vally, Torry Pines, Upper Monclair, St. Andrews, Riviera, Oakmont, Llanerch

From: karl wagner
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2005 10:25 AM
By and large, there's usually some ranking official laughing.

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Bent-grass aerated lightly, turf underfoot seems rather odd lately

From: karl wagner
Boarding airplane later tonight,- unusual sky- really ominous looking!!

From: karl wagner
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2005 10:20 AM
Before Americans loved television, unkempt stupid Republicans only lost.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 10:53:53 -0400
From: "Keenan, Scott"
By all ledgers, Tiger unusually seems really off leaderboard...

From: karl wagner
Bart's atavism lately totally undermines Simpson's rules on life.

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
But at least the usual "Simpsons" returns occasional laughter.
Beats anything lame television usually shows (reality or "Lifetime").

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:25:56 -0400
From: karl wagner
"Being alert, listening, typing usual Stimulus/Responses on line"

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:44:29 -0400
From: karl wagner
Begone All Light Trucks, Ultra SUVs (Reserve Oil's lacking)

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:56:52 -0400
From: karl wagner
Bart and Lisa tackle usual situations relying on laughter.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:06:35 -0400
From: karl wagner
Bought a latte, tasted unlike Starbucks, required Oban liquor.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:16:39 -0400
From: karl wagner
"Being astute", "living terseness", -usually stuff Rob only likes.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:22:45 -0400
From: karl wagner
Baathists are likeable. Those unprepared Shiites really ought listen.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:24:45 -0400
From: "Vertullo, Robert G"
Barring a late travesty, un-soberness remains outstandingly likely.

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
Baseball appears likely tonight (unless severe rain or lightning).

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 13:00:51 -0400
From: karl wagner
By all local traditions, ubiquitous suds ruins ones liver.

GOOD OL' GOOGLE?

2005-05-10T10:49:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to think Google is turning into Microsoft, only with a better image. Because everyone loves Google, right? It's an innocuous search engine that everyone uses. In fact, its web site has a button on it that says "I'm Feeling Lucky!" Ha ha! Good ol' Google. How could it be bad?

Their GMail, although a little Big Brother-ish, gets generally favorable reviews. But I would beware the Google Web Accelerator. It supposedly speeds up web browsing by monitoring what web sites you visit and caching entire web sites on Google's servers. That's right, it saves entire pages that you've clicked on--the whole thing sounds creepy. More importantly, it sounds like a major invasion of privacy. This section from the News.com article about GWA is the most disturbing.

Is my privacy in jeopardy by using Web Accelerator?
It could be, depending on your comfort level. According to Google's privacy policy, the Web Accelerator retrieves and caches Web pages you've visited, and those page requests can include personal information about you. It also temporarily caches third-party cookies that can contain personal data. For example, if you've entered information such as e-mail or a physical address into a form on an unencrypted Web page, Google might pick up that data through the Web Accelerator. It also collects "clickstream" data such as URLs you've requested, the date and time of the request, as well as your Internet Protocol address and computer and connection information.

Hey, no thanks!

Additionally, this "privacy invasion accelerator (beta)" is intended only for broadband users. I have a cable modem, and it's plenty fast enough for me, but I guess there are always speed-hungry, ADHD-afflicted users who crave 1 second page loads instead of 5 second page loads. But this "accelerator" doesn't make downloading pictures, mp3s, and streaming video any faster.

Again, no. Really, no thanks.

Remember: Google is out to MAKE MONEY, just like every other company on the planet. Google isn't looking out for you, to make your web experience happier; they want more web hits, which means more ad revenue for them. So don't give away your personal info for free just because they're allegedly giving you faster web browsing for "free" (there's already an astonishing amount of searchable info about you out there). Because nothing is free, and in this case it looks like the average web surfer will be the one paying.

Sign Of The E-times?

2005-05-06T15:40:00.000-04:00

There's an interesting trend that I'm starting to notice while hanging out in bars, even moreso now that school's out for summer (not necessarily forever). A group of barely legal patrons will walk into a bar, each of them with their respective mobile phones in tow. They order their drinks and chat a little bit, but then spend the first 10 minutes or so on the phone, either talking or texting someone, checking voicemail or e-mail, or whatever. Even though they walked into the bar with other living, breathing, human beings that they know, more often than not they initially ignore them. After they eventually finish their incredibly important mobile business, they glance around and find they are left with no one else to converse with but the friends they came with, and only then do they really start talking to them.

I don't know if it's a sign of our increasingly impersonal e-times (by younger people who can't recall life without e-mail and instant messaging), or an unconscious (or knowing) flash of their new digital camera phone as a status symbol (not a big deal anymore, since 10 year olds have them), but it's definitely weird behavior. Well, there's already no smoking allowed, and pretty soon there'll be no talking either, as entire bars will be silent except for the din of the digital jukebox and the sounds of people TXT messaging each other.

FINDING THE PERFECT CONVERSATION KILLER

2005-04-21T22:43:00.000-04:00

by Jeff Kammann

Rob and I had this discussion the other day, and we've come to the conclusion that we're sick of telling complete strangers that we work in the pharmaceutical industry. It's a hot button topic that leads people to involuntarily begin informing us, in great detail: 1) how insidiously evil the drug companies are (unlike the tobacco industry); 2) how expensive drug prescriptions are; 3) what drugs they are currently taking and/or addicted to, followed by a full overview of their (or a family member's) entire medical history, and 4) invariably the comment "Do you get to take drugs home?" It's a horrible conversation small talk purgatory that is impossible to avoid. In the end, there are no winners.

So either we have to change our line of work, or come up with a really good lie (like Art Vandalay, Latex Salesman). This "company" that we work for has to meet certain criteria, which would end the conversation and eliminate follow up questions that would require elaborate answers regarding the "job". The criteria are as follows:

1) It should not be a line of work that anyone can forumlate a positive or negative opinion about;

2) It should not be a company that anyone has heard of, or a product that someone might have a keen interest in;

3) It should not concern a service that anyone needs, or perceives they will ever need;

4) It should be completely self-explanatory;

5) It should be so mundane as to extinguish any curiosity in the company, something a person would not even be remotely interested in talking about.

As you can see, this rules out a lot of jobs: retail, health care, entertainment, construction, insurance, real estate, sales, military, and any service industry (among others). We came up with several possibilities that almost meet all of the criteria, but none were bulletproof conversation killers. We thought about some sort of "actuarial" or "surveying" job, but those would require an explanation. "Banking" jobs are bad, because everyone uses banks, or worse, everyone has gotten screwed by a bank at some point. Rob suggested a company that manufactures tubing (a job he once had), which, although mundane, would probably lead to a lengthy discussion about construction that no one wants to get into. And you can spew forth a bunch of nonsense business words and say that you work for "a consulting company that implements strategic, scalable solutions for real-world business problems", but that's so nebulous and confusing that it can be easily picked apart, forcing you to explain your bullshit.

The best thing we could come up with was working for a company that makes twist ties. That's pretty boring, and something that NO ONE cares about. It's something that you couldn't have a positive or negative opinion of, or need to have explained, because if you did you'd sound like a moron (which doesn't stop most people). You could say something like, "I work in quality assurance for a company who manufactures Twist-Ties. Did you ever buy bread or garbage bags? Well then, you're probably familiar with our work." Where can you go from there? Although it is a product that people are aware of, it's one that they most likely have never thought about. In any case, if you get a follow-up question about what you actually do, just say, "It's a lot of paperwork and phone calls." End of conversation. This leaves you open to discuss something more innocuous like sports, like how "this rivalry isn't as good since they got rid of that big pitcher guy" (actual quote from actual bar patron trying to make small talk). Wait, that might be worse.

BRING THE STRIPPERS AND POT, AND LET'S PARTY!

2005-04-17T14:44:00.000-04:00

by Jeff Kammann

This is officially the funniest mashup I've heard so far, it's RIAA'S "Bring The Strippers".

Well, in case you didn't like that, here's an excerpt from Neil Diamond's "The Pot Smoker's Song" (also here.)

I can't even explain how I found this sound bite. It's from Jesse Ventura's inauguration party CD, "We Rocked The World".

THE BODY'S BACK FOR TONIGHT! LET'S PARTY, MINNESOTA!!!

Yes, this guy was a state governor.

RANTS DU JOUR

2005-04-17T10:25:00.000-04:00

by Jeff Kammann

For those of us not fluent in French, that means "Soup of the Day". Mmm, that sounds good, I'll have that.

A QUESTION POUR VOUS. Some people converse using a combination of Spanish and English words, sometimes referred to as "Spanglish". Are people who use a combination of French and English words speaking "Frenglish"? (Maybe Kris can answer this one.)

(Kris' response: The french term is 'Franglais'. I don't know the Anglicization though? Do we need a word? It's just the poseurs who try to use french words to make themselves seem more intelligent (...and you, of course, Jeff). It's totally different here...Somehow all the way up to the executive level the overwhelming ideology is if someone calls your name and you respond with a heavily, heavily accented 'Yes' you are somehow bilingual and therefore better than others...No actually, what I really mean is that there are so many French words in the English language as it is it would seem to be redundant to need a specific term for words like 'redundant.')

45% MORE DECEPTIVE! I was pondering my laundry detergent purchase the other day, when a label screamed out at me "VALUE SIZE - 45% MORE!" Intrigued, I picked up the bottle to give it a closer inspection, which is when I read the fine print: ". . . than the 100 oz. bottle". So what? Someone in marketing typed the numbers into a calculator and decided to put it on the label. What do I gain from this knowledge? So I checked how substantial my savings would be if I bought the bigger size bottle. (I think you can see where this is going.) As it turns out, the smaller size was cheaper at $0.88 a quart, while the "value size" was $0.90 a quart. Ugh. You just know that more people are going to pick up the "45% MORE" bottle, and not know they got screwed at the register. I hate marketing idiots.

YOU CAN HEAR THAT? I just heard a pretty good rock song by a band calling themselves Louis XIV, so decided to do some research on them. However, I just read this line from a pitchforkmedia.com record review of theirs . . . and I'm not sure I should read any further:

"This album has raunchy sleazy guitar solos, like on opener "Louis XIV", which sounds like Noel Gallagher fucking AC/DC's guest list in assless chaps."

That's what you hear, eh? So, uhm, in musical terms, is that good? I'm afraid of the answer.

MEN ARE FROM SATURN. The latest Saturn car commercials have a kid saying this ridiculous line: "Well, I could have bought a BMW Z4. But then I'd have a slower car. That's why I bought a Saturn." (That and the fact that I work at Wal-Mart.) Wait, throw that thing into reverse: did they actually compare a Saturn ION Redline to a fucking BMW Z4? The commercial would have been much more believeable if they'd said, "But then I'd have spent twice as much money on a car that's merely an extension of my penis."

CLOSING JOKE. Should people getting into obvious bad marriages register at Unfortunoffs?

FUN TAX DAY SINGALONGS!

2005-04-15T23:57:00.000-04:00

by Jeff Kammann

Stevie Ray Vaughn (George Harrison) "Taxman"
Pink Floyd "Money"
Psychedelic Furs "All That Money Wants"
Spinal Tap "Gimme Some Money"
Barrett Strong "Money (That's What I Want)"
Michael Bublé (Lennon/McCartney) "Can't Buy Me Love"
The Smiths "I Don't Owe You Anything"
Tom Waits "'Til The Money Runs Out"
Rush "The Big Money"
The O'Jays "For The Love Of Money"
Cyndi Lauper "Money Changes Everything"
Nirvana "Rape Me"
Mad Season "River of Deceit" (good for any government agency)
Johnny Cash "The (Tax)Man Comes Around"
Simply Red - Money's Too Tight (To Mention)
Frank Zappa - Can't Afford No Shoes
Bing Crosby - Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

RANTING ON MONDAYS

2005-04-11T10:02:00.000-04:00

by Kris Salo

Following up the highly successful "Friday Afternoon Rants", I'm rolling out "Ranting on Monday": I hope it will have as much success as the previous edition...

We've discussed universal healthcare before - I know that some of us come from different sides of the debate - I'm still more or less pro, but I did want to related the wonderful way that it works here is the bastion of cheese and wine:

Julie recently got a prescription for contact lenses. These are covered by the social security/healthcare system here. The way that this works in France is you pay out of your pocket and then the social security reimburses a percentage of the amount (about 50% for contacts I believe) and then forwards to documents to your complementary "mutuelle" that works more or less like an HMO/work-based health plan in the US. However, instead of covering the entire cost it makes up the difference between what the social security pays and what the actual cost is.

Anyway, she just got her prescription refilled and at the same time she had them change a pair of sunglasses from prescription lenses to normal lenses so she can wear them with her contacts. This is not covered by healthcare because it is a non-medical change. The glasses were 25 euros, her contacts were 50ish. So the guy at the optometrist prints out the receipt, etc. We get back to the car and Julie's looking at the receipt and there are no glasses on the receipt, but the price was the correct one for the glasses plus the contacts. He changed the price of the contacts so they were equal to the price of the glasses and the contacts - which in essence means that the entire country paid for Julie's non-medically necessary glasses. Sure it is nice when you save 25 euros because of this, but imagine that this is happening on a country-wide (65 million citizens) scale. The guy didn't even ask, he just automatically defrauded the state-health apparatus.

On a related note: There was breaking news last week - "Great News: Social Security will only be 12 billion Euros in debt for 2005." Honestly, this is more or less a verbatim translation...You're asking yourself, how is this great news, I'm telling you I don't know. In actuality this is 2 billion less then estimated, hence the great news. This is because they added a mandatory participation (co-pay) of an incredibly painful 1 euro. The thing that kills me is before they added this they were discussing different options to help support this albatross bureaucratic system - and I was saying that a co-pay is the best way to go. People actually argued with me saying, but some people are more sick then others so it costs them more. NO SH!T, THAT'S THE F!CKING POINT! As mentioned, in principle I don't have a problem with universal healthcare ("in principle, Lisa, Communism works") - but why the f*ck should I, who goes to the doctor maybe one time every two years, have to pay the exact same amount as the idiot hypochondriac who goes four times per month. It's the same if you buy more stuff than someone else; you pay more sales tax. There's a difference between ensuring healthcare for everyone, and ensuring that every freak gets to defraud the system on a daily basis.

The thing is that France's healthcare system is fairly well-regarded in the world. After you take a look at the British and Canadian systems, France is amazing. I'm not coming off by universal healthcare stance, but I do recognize that there are problems with most systems. I could go on for days - but it's 10am so I guess I should go check out cnn.com now...

CLASSIC HOCKEY

2005-04-03T11:47:00.000-04:00

by Jeff Kammann

I never thought I'd put up a picture of a Rangers player on my blog, but that's what it's come to. On Thursday, while watching a Rangers Classics game on MSG, Game 6 of the Patrick Division Finals, Capitals @ Rangers, from April 27, 1986, Rob and I were reminded why we fell in love with hockey. We marveled at the tiny pads on John Vanbiesbrouck and Pete Peeters, which were laughable compared to modern day gargantuan-padded goalies like Luongo or Snow. Plus, it looked like they were only wearing a thin turtleneck under their hockey sweaters! We saw Pierre Larouche score a goal, a young Scott Stevens pushing over Beezer for penalty (very funny), and wondered how they fit Reijo Ruotsalainen's last name on the back of his sweater. But it's what we DIDN'T see that made the difference. We didn't see countless ads all over the ice and the boards (although I can't argue with that, since the NHL needs all the cash it can get). We didn't see any clutching and grabbing. And there was nary a goon to be found (although Tomas Sandstrom was a little chippy). It was just pure, unadulterated hockey, and it was fun to watch (even though we knew who was going to win). This nearly 20 year old game was a great example of what was good about the NHL, and made us realize that we missed professional hockey. Hey, the NHL isn't the same now as it was back then: it is what it is. But it could be better.

So now they're going to meet this week and talk about rule changes in the NHL, which is hilarious considering THERE IS NO LEAGUE RIGHT NOW. But if they actually plan on skating again sometime, this is what I think they should do and what they SHOULDN'T do, to improve the game.

They SHOULD:

1. Make the goalie pads much smaller, both in height and width. They already limited the height to 38" with no ridges on the sides a few years back, which was a good move. But in 1989 the maximum width of the pads was changed from 10" to 12". They should change it back, and limit the height even further, and then the most skilled goalies will stand out, as the wheat is separated from the chaff.

2. Move the goal line back again, from 13 feet to 10 feet from the back boards. This increases the neutral zone by 6 feet giving skaters more room to pass, and creates better shooting angles for scores in their offensive zones. A no brainer.

3. Reinstate the tag-up offside rule. The Olympic/International rule is the best way to go. There's nothing stupider than two guys risking injury by crashing into the end boards, or each other, trying to touch the puck for icing.

4. Have a shootout at the end of OT (in regular season games only). Yeah, I never thought I'd say this, but it's more exciting to watch than two teams who really don't care because they already got a point for a "regulation tie". I'm just sick of paying $75 to see two teams leave the ice without settling a thing, even if it is a little gimmicky.

5. Increase the penalty for fighting. Make it an automatic game misconduct, and a fine. And get rid of the stupid "instigator" rule, and just throw both of them out. Bye bye, goons, and don't let the Zamboni hit your ass on the way out.

6. Stop clutching and grabbing. If you touch an offensive player with the puck who is in front of you to try to slow him down, that's a penalty. Period. So go and sit in the box for 2 minutes and feel shame.

7. No mullets. Just an asthetic thing.

8. Get rid of Bettman. All he's done is hire marketing executives to run the league, which as Bill Hicks suggests, should go kill themselves (for that "glowing puck" alone). Formerly NBA commissioner David Stern's flunkie, he probably got into this because he was a lousy lawyer, and now he's proven he's a lousy NHL commissioner, who also doesn't know a damn thing about the sport. Make Gretzky the Commish.

9. Get rid of all teams south of St. Louis. Or better yet, do a man-on-the-street poll and find out what Southern cities actually miss their teams. I guarantee that very few people in Atlanta, Charlotte, Miami and Nashville are pining for hockey.

10. Reinstate the original division/conference names. This is one of the things that made hockey unique, not just another league with generic, geographic names. Bring back the Wales and Campbell Conferences, and the Patrick, Norris, Adams, and Smythe Divisions, and add two more: the Gretzky and Howe Divisions (or something along those lines).

They should NOT:

1. Make the goal bigger. They're actually rolling out two prototypes this month as they consider this alternative, which, not surprisingly, goalies are not happy about. All I have to say about this is: no, no, NO!!! That's like increasing the basketball hoop diameter, or the width of a soccer goal. Stupid idea.

2. Eliminate the red line. Okay, some say it opens up the game, getting rid of two line passes. I don't think they should tamper with this, but instead move the goals back (see #2 above). I'm on the fence with the "widening the red and blue lines", but that might be an alternative to erasing the red line completely.

3. Disallow goalies from handling the puck outside the goal crease. Another asinine idea. The goalie is part of the defense, and therefore should be allowed to skate and handle the puck whenever it is necessary. Again, the most skilled goalies will rise above the rest.

Yeah, I actually miss the NHL, in THEORY. It could be great again. Let's hope this morons don't screw it up, even worse than it already is.

I'm thinking of moving to Canada, for various reasons, one being that it's the only place you can see the NHL Network (what's that aboot, eh?). And they have a great "Top 10" series, and this particular one features the "Best Playoff Hat Tricks of the 1990s". It may not be officially "old school", but it's a good video anyway (requires WMP) 700K | 300K | 56K

IF IT'S IN THE GAME, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S IN THE GAME

2005-03-25T14:44:00.000-05:00

by Jeff Kammann

In order to make the latest crop of sports video games as "realistic" as possible, the programmers at EA Sports are going overboard. Can you guess which THREE of the following ridiculous video game features is real?

a. In "NHL 2005" Franchise Mode, there is a random possibility of a season or part of a season being cancelled because of a lockout;

b. In "NCAA Football 2005", you can create your own cheerleaders;

c. In "MVP Baseball 2005" Franchise Mode, players are randomly tested for steroids and suspended if found positive;

d. During a game in "Madden NFL 2005", you can challenge "mistakes" made by the computer referees and overturn calls;

e. During a game in "NBA Live 2005", you can argue with referees and get thrown out of a game;

f. In "NCAA March Madness" Dynasty Mode, players can be suspended for various violations, including cutting class;

g. In "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005" Career Mode, your success will attract real life golf equipment manufacturers, who will sponsor you by giving you free clubs;

h. In "Rugby 2005", there is a check box that allows you to turn "Blood" on and off.
Rob added:
i. In LPGA 2K5, there is a chance of being "outed".

These are the correct answers: d, f, g.

d. During a game in "Madden NFL 2005", you can challenge "mistakes" made by the computer referees and overturn calls;

This is beyond absurd. I downloaded the "Madden 2005" demo to try out the game, and I was astonished to find this little built-in "feature". Now think about this: the SOFTWARE may have gotten the call wrong. The COMPUTER that drew the little pixels to indicate that my tight end got his knee down before the ball was stripped may have made a MISTAKE. And yes, you have to wait for the little animated zebras to run to the sideline and confer before the call is reversed. Well, this sucks the enjoyment out of WATCHING, so thanks for also sucking the fun out of PLAYING the game.

f. In "NCAA March Madness" Dynasty Mode, players can be suspended for various violations, including cutting class;

This is directly from the Games Revolution website review of the PS2 version:

"Your players will skip class pretty frequently, so you’ll have to spend discipline points to suspend them from games and straighten them out. If you don’t do this harshly enough, the NCAA will get on your case and threaten to bump you out of your conference. Since you have to spend a diminishing number of points disciplining guys, you can run out before the season expires and get screwed because your star forward decided to get into a bar fight."

Are you kidding? When you recruit these players, can you ask them if they already have a drinking problem?

g. In "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005" Career Mode, your success will attract real life golf equipment manufacturers, who will sponsor you by giving you free clubs;

From EASports.com:

"Play a Career: Obtain sponsorships from real equipment manufacturers and strive to surpass Tiger Woods on the overall money list."

You can get sponsorship money from numerous manufacturers, such as Ping, Cleveland, Callaway, Nike, etc., and unlock their equipment to use it. Nice insidious form of product placement! Remember: you can put a price tag on anything. Even the anti-marketing market, which is a huge market.

Please, if it's in the game, it doesn't REALLY have to be in the game.

MARCH MASHUP MADNESS

2005-03-25T11:23:00.000-05:00

As always, the pairing in this particular mashup (thanks to the always crafty Go Home Productions team) is completely unexpected. If you can guess from the title Annie Rush . . . never mind, I'll tell you: it's Annie Lennox singing "Little Bird" using Rush's "Spirit of Radio" as the backing track. I love these things, and think this one is rather well done. However, I'm not sure how Rob is going to feel about this one; it might make him want to sit right down and cry, cry, cry. Hey, at least it wasn't a vocal lifted from the Broadway musical "Annie".

"Mashup" doesn't even begin to describe this one: it's more akin to a trainwreck in a blender. As for Wrapped Detective, the reggae vibes of both Elvis Costello's "Watching The Detective" and the Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" mesh nicely, with a nice sprinkling of Bob Marley into the mix . . . but wait, "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie? And "Stairway to Heaven", "Fever" and "Bus Stop"?!? Holy hell, where did they come up with this one? And what were they smoking at the time? And dammit, is there any left?

MAGICAL MARCH

2005-03-17T12:12:00.000-05:00

This is a great story. Forget that nonsense that I emailed/posted just now. This is what it's all about.

A NIGHT, A PROMISE THAT STILL RESONATES FOR INGLES FAMILY

By Pat Forde, ESPN.com

They walked the streets of Nashville in the wee hours of a March morning, not saying much. Father and son were soaking in a moment so rich with emotion that words would cheapen it. "Sometimes," said Kent Ingles, "the best times are when there's no conversing."

Hours before, Kent's only son, Zach, had shot the Eastern Kentucky Colonels into the NCAA Tournament. His 3-pointer with 22 seconds left, from roughly 26 feet -- "every story I've read, it gets 3-4 feet longer," Zach said -- clinched the Ohio Valley Conference tournament and delivered Eastern its first NCAA bid in 26 years. But when the Colonels' team bus left that night for Richmond, Ky., Zach Ingles stayed behind. He needed to share this precious time with his family.

He sat in a hotel room with his oldest sister, Jessica, and they talked a lot about the woman who wasn't there to see the shot go down. When Jessica, her husband and baby girl went to bed, Zach met his father and his dad's best friend, Paul Engel, in the hotel lobby. Sleep was impossible, so they went out for a walk. Finally, who knows how much later, they came back to the hotel and went to Kent's room. "Zach laid down on the floor and went to sleep," he said. "The hero."

An Eastern Kentucky hero, yes. A March hero, the kind that makes this month so compelling. But a family hero, most of all. The shot kept a promise Zach Ingles had made to his mother nine years ago. The day before she died.

On a January morning in Gowen, Mich., 12-year-old Zach Ingles stumbled downstairs for school wearing an NCAA Tournament T-shirt. Cynthia Ingles questioned his attire. "Mom, I'm going to play in this Tournament someday," Zach explained. That night, as a sixth-grader playing in an eighth-grade league, Zach had the game of his life. He scored somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 points, including 17 in a row at one point. Kent Ingles, the coach at Greenville High School, normally watched games from courtside. For some reason, he chose to sit in the stands next to his wife that night -- so surprising her that she did a double-take at his presence. After the game, Cynthia told Kent what her son had said about playing in the NCAAs one day. Perhaps the revelatory glimpse of her son's potential was a gift. Because it would be the last basketball game Cynthia Ingles ever saw.

The next night, Zach was running around the gym at Greenville High, waiting for his dad's game to start. It never did. Rather suddenly, Kent Ingles left the gym. Word trickled out that the game was canceled. When Zach asked why, somebody (nobody knows who, to this day) told him the news: his mom had died in a car accident. His sister Libby was critically injured and not expected to live.

Jessica Ingles was 17 and a star athlete, owner of 21 school records at Greenville High. She found Zach lying on the floor in the gym lobby, crying. People were just standing there, staring, so she swept up her brother in her arms and carried him away. In a way, she's never stopped carrying him. "She's always been like my angel," Zach said. "Jessica woke up one morning at 17," Kent Ingles said, "and went to bed at 30." Her first adult task was trying to console the inconsolable. Zach sat on her lap and sobbed, repeatedly saying, "I didn't get to say goodbye."

The subsequent weeks were a swirling trip through grief and chaos. After taking a couple of games off, Kent Ingles returned to coaching -- then spent every night at the hospital, where Libby was in a coma. Jessica had her own practices and games, but also helped shepherd Zach through the days -- fixing him dinner, overseeing his studying, lending an ear when possible. But mostly, Zach took his refuge in the gym. Using his dad's keys, he'd go there for hours on end -- sometimes shooting jumpers by the hundreds, sometimes just sitting in the solitude and thinking.

"Jessica was torn everywhere," Zach said. "I was in the gym. It got me through."

A month to the day after Cynthia Ingles died, the kids lost their grandfather, Kent's dad. But then, they finally got some good news. Libby had awakened from her coma. She began recognizing family members. Friends began coming to visit. Then, one day when her hospital room was crowded with friends, she spoke. Her first two words: "Where's Mom?"

"You never saw a room clear so quick," Kent Ingles said. "It was left to Jessica and I to tell her." Tears flowed from Libby, a straight-A student, class president and star athlete in her own right. But she knew the answer. She'd already been wondering where her mother was, but hadn't been able to verbalize it until that moment. From that point, Kent decided that his grieving family needed a bonding agent. They had always taken a spring break trip; they would do so this year, too. Despite everything that had happened.

They coaxed Libby through her physical rehabilitation to the point that she could leave the hospital. That day, they left for Myrtle Beach, S.C. Jessica describes one misadventure after another on the trip, including Kent backing the rented Astro van into a ditch. "I said, 'I bet Mom's getting a kick out of this,' " Jessica recalled. "We were half crying, half laughing. It was the first thing we really did without my mom."

Said Kent: "We spent a lot of time walking on the beach and talking, and, really, putting together a game plan." Zach remembers the first family dinner after the accident -- literally months afterward, following the weeks of hospital vigils. They sat at the dinner table, one chair empty. Kent Ingles told his family, "We're going to do this. We're going to be OK." They would be OK. And sports would help.

"Sports was very important to us before," Jessica Ingles said. "I'd almost say it was more important to us afterwards. It didn't take the place of relatives we had lost, but it gave us an outlet. Especially for Zach and my dad. "I don't know if [Zach] practiced more, because he always had practiced a ton. But I think the dream became more important, because he had told my mom, 'I'm going to do this.'"

A classic gym rat/coach's son, Zach became a scoring machine. Playing for his father, he scored 2,230 points in his high-school career. South Florida sent him his first recruiting letter in eighth grade, and the idea of playing for Seth Greenberg in Tampa never left Zach's mind. That's where he planned to go, but Greenberg stashed him at Pasco-Hernando Junior College in Deland, Fla., for further seasoning. After his freshman year there, Greenberg was gone to Virginia Tech and Ingles was left twisting.

Spectacular shooting helped him average 25.5 points per game as a juco sophomore, but recruiters remained lukewarm. Ingles was considering going to LaSalle before that program blew up in scandal. Finally, his junior-college coach told Eastern Kentucky's Travis Ford at a juco tournament, "I've got a kid who can just score."

"I like scorers," said Ford, who was a prolific gunner in his high school days. Ford landed Ingles and plugged him into the starting lineup right away -- a small peg in a large hole. He'd been a point guard in high school, then a shooting guard in juco -- now he's a 6-foot-2 small forward.

"He may be the only 6-2 white kid playing the three spot in D-I ball in America," Kent Ingles said. "And he doesn't have great hops, either." Whatever Ingles has, it's enabled him to average 11.9 points per game as a Division-I rookie. He's made a team-leading 64 3-pointers -- including the biggest 3 in Eastern Kentucky history.

The OVC title was slipping away in the Gaylord Entertainment Center. The Colonels had led Austin Peay all game -- led by as many as 13 in the second half -- but the game was unraveling down the stretch. The Governors kept coming, finally hacking the lead down to a single point with 51 seconds left. Eastern looked like the magnitude of the moment would force them to buckle.

"Miracles do happen. One's already happened, many times over. Lib wasn't supposed to live." — Kent Ingles

With the shot clock dwindling, Ingles wound up with the ball in his hands on the right wing. He was a long way out -- "a 30-footer," Ford says today, adding a few feet more -- but he squared and fired. "It's easy to say, but I knew it was going in," Ford said. "He likes taking the big shot, and he's made a bunch of 'em." Seated about a dozen feet from where his son launched the shot, Kent Ingles was slightly less confident. Zach already had made a pair of 3s, but had had a couple others lip out. Nevertheless, he had no qualms with his son taking it.

"I've only seen him make that shot a few thousand times," Kent said. "But I was nervous. As a coach I typically don't get very nervous, but that was a nine-year-old dream." When the ball ripped the net, the dream was realized. A promise had been kept. And when it was over, Zach Ingles bounded into his dad's arms.

"The reaction was just crazy," Ingles said, rubbing his crewcut and shaking his head. "Seeing my dad cry -- he taught me to play and everything. It was just amazing." Said Jessica: "It just totally fit. It was just kind of worth it. Just to see him, how excited he was. It was such a bittersweet moment. You were so happy you're watching it, but you're missing your mom so much and wishing she could be there to watch it."

Cynthia Ingles would love what she sees. In one way, this spring is the final piece of a triumphant Ingles family comeback. Jessica went college, saw her athletic career ended by a knee injury, but then went into coaching. Today she's the softball and basketball coach at Big Rapids High School. Her husband, Tim Haist, is the school principal and athletic director. Her dad is the basketball coach. Her daughter, Rylie Cynthia, carries her mother's name. Libby is the true miracle. At first, they feared she would not live. Then, they feared life in a vegetative state. Then they were told she wouldn't walk. Then they were prepared for a life of limited mental capacity and menial jobs. Now, Libby Ingles is on course to graduate from Western Michigan this spring.

"She's had a hard, long road," Jessica said. "But she's overcome and outdone everything they said she was going to do. She's tougher than any of us." And now there is the baby, Zach, hitting the kind of shot that makes March magical. The family was in the stands in Nashville, and it will be in the stands again Thursday when Eastern plays goliath Kentucky in the very first game of the 2005 NCAA Tournament (12:20 p.m ET).

One Las Vegas line installed the Colonels at 1 billion to 1 to win the national championship. A friend of Kent's asked him if he had a spare dollar to invest. "Miracles do happen," Kent said. "One's already happened, many times over. Lib wasn't supposed to live."

The note was dashed off quickly, in pen on yellow paper, a mundane message from a mom to her son. Not the kind of thing you'd normally find framed in a college student's apartment, but you'll find it on Zach Ingles' desk. He'd rediscovered the note a couple of months after his mother died, and has kept it ever since. She'd left it for him one day when he got home from school, telling him that she wouldn't be there but had left him a snack in the fridge.

The note said one more thing: She'd be at his game that night, watching. Jessica Ingles thought of the note that night in Nashville and was sure. "She was watching."

Pat Forde is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached at ESPN4D@aol.com.

MADNESS!

2005-03-17T11:53:00.000-05:00

by Jeff Kammann

I'm really happy that the NCAA Basketball Tournament is starting today, which is no surprise to those who know me. I've been looking forward to it for months, and barely slept last night, like a 5 year old waiting for Christmas morning. My alma mater, Villanova, is in it this year, which gives it a little extra juice. And although the overall talent has been eroded in the past few years because of the NBA luring the best players away with giant wads of cash (and who can blame them), there's something inherently pure about a bunch of kids giving their all to win the championship for their school. They're not doing it for money, fame, or an endorsement deal. Well, most of them aren't, since 98% of them won't make it to the NBA. The focus isn't on the stats, the dunks, or the contract disputes; this tournament is all about teamwork. Yeah, I know I'm starting to sound like a cliché, but it's true. And there's a chance for an upset in almost every game, which is something that you don't see all that much. Unfortunately, the "team" concept is a rarity in organized sports.

Instead, if you check the news and listen to sports radio, it seems everyone is focusing on a handful of bloated, jacked-up baseball players who are testifying in front of Congress today concerning the steroid abuse problem in major league baseball. It irks me to no end that our government not only decided to waste everyone's time with this nonsense, but they're holding the hearings on the first day of the greatest tournament in all of sports. They're investigating a corporation of about 700 people, who are basically playing a game for entertainment purposes, to see if they cheated to increase their performance, and thus increase their paychecks. So what? It's like sending subpoenas to Julia Roberts and Renee Zellweger to find out if they got breast enhancement surgery to help them win their Oscars--a huge problem plaguing the entertainment industry. So what is this fact-finding mission going to prove? If people are harming their bodies in the long run with these performance enhancing drugs, is the government going to hold baseball financially responsible? Morally responsible? What can they possibly accomplish, besides getting a photo opportunity? The most ridiculous thing is they're not even questioning the biggest offender (in every definition of the term), Barry Bonds, about why his head is now bigger than Mr. Met's. So what's the point?

The point is that I've just about had it up to HERE with major league sports. And I'm not watching that crap today because I really don't care, and as a result I may not even watch baseball at all this year. For me, today isn't about a single player, a needle, or a tainted home run record. For me, today is all about the 64 teams that are trying to win the NCAA men's college basketball tournament.

Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't say . . . Let's Go Nova!!!

EA SPORTS NHL 2005 - THE GAME ISN'T IN

2005-03-05T14:50:00.000-05:00

by Jeff Kammann

Since there's no NHL, all we have is EA Sports' NHL 2005 Virtual Season. Finally, we have an NHL season that can't be destroyed by Goodenow and Bettman, and a host of other clueless players and owners. I think these results should be etched into the Cup (with an asterisk)!

In the final count, the Montreal Canadiens lost to the Calgary Flames in the Stanley Cup Finals. I would have liked to see the Devils beat the Sabres again in the playoffs . . . and they were #4 seed no less, meaning the Devils won Game 7 in Buffalo! Another heartbreaker. Hey, at least the Sabres made it!

I see Fedorov, and the Montreal Canadiens, both had good years, and the Rangers once again missed the playoffs (by 2 points this time). Wait, Andrew Raycroft of the Rangers winning the Vezina? Isn't he on the Bruins? Dumb EA geeks!

In other news, two Boston companies want to buy the NHL--yes, the entire league--for $3.5 billion. It might be the best thing to happen to this sorry ass league, if they get rid of Bettman, and a dozen or so teams that have popped up near the equator.

FRIDAY'S HOT TOPICS!

2005-03-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

by Jeff Kammann

HOOTIE AND THE FILET-O-FISH. Ladies and gentlemen, Darius Rucker has left the building. The lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish, who sold an astonishing 16 million copies of 1994's "Cracked Rear View" album (currently, the 14th best selling album of all-time, of which about 15 million copies can currently be found in used CD bins), has been reduced to shilling for Burger King. Done up in a big ol' cowboy hat and western wear, the singer can now be seen and heard selling some "Cardiac Bacon Ranch Sandwich" (or something) to the tune of "Big Rock Candy Mountain", in the hamburger giant's horrendously awful new commercial.

A little part of me laughed inside when I saw this guy, who was on top of the music world a mere 10 years ago (14th best selling album of all-time), in this ridiculous ad. No, that's not accurate: I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw it, nearly pulling a oblique muscle in the process. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Well, I mean he sold a lot of records, not that he's mighty talented. Anyway, I sure hope the paycheck was good.

DINGERS! DINGERS! On ESPN SportsCenter the other day, they asked Tim Kurtjkiajijkajijan, "Now that the games are starting, will the focus finally be taken away from steroids?" He basically said, "Gee, I sure hope so." Well, I disagree (and if I agreed, I guess I wouldn't be typing this). What better time to focus on who is cheating and who isn't by watching which of these bloated batsmen can still hit a 600 foot home run during a spring training game? But I guess it's perfectly fine for Barry Bonds to mock the press by calling their steroid-related questions "reruns", before putting on his size 15 3/4 hat and trotting back out on the field.

In the immortal words of Mark McGwire: "Do you want to know the terrifying truth about Major League Baseball, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?" When he said that on "The Simpsons" back in 2000 ("Brother's Little Helper"), who knew how prophetic that statement would be? I have a feeling that the overwhelming response from most Americans is the chant of: "Dingers! Dingers! Dingers!" As for me, it's about time these guys told us the terrifying truth, which has ruined the integrity of this sport, as well as my affection for it.

WORD OF MOUTH. This story is amazing. During last year's deadly tsunami, only 7 out of the 75,000 inhabitants of the Indonesian island of Simeulue died, because they fled to higher ground after recalling stories passed down from generation to generation of a "semong", a giant killer wave that ravaged the island in 1907. Only seven?!? That's unbelieveable.

FROM: Hester Bstltom
SUBJECT: Identical pharmaceuticals -- gnomish price!

This latest turd that I found floating in my inbox raises so many questions. Are you offering me the ACTUAL brand name prescription pharmaceuticals, or are they just identical LOOKING? If you offer generic drugs, should I assume that in this case "identical" means "bioequivalent"? I'm also a bit confused about the price - you claim they are gnomish? Even though I'm well versed in Tolkien's work, I looked it up anyway; it's an adjective meaning "used of small deformed creatures". So are these prices only available to such creatures? Do they need these pharmaceuticals because of their deformities, or have they become "gnomish" because of your low-grade knockoff drugs? Please, Ms. Bstltom, what do you mean? And why do I feel like I'm in a dark alley being solicited by a guy behind a dumpster when I see these e-mails?

CHEAP DRUGS, WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOOT, EH? On a similar note, when I was in Florida last week I saw a store called "Discount Drugs of Canada". What does this mean? Are they a pharmacy? Can they actually get you "identical" pharmaceuticals at Canadian prices? Is that legal? Or is everything they sell wrapped in back bacon, with a notice, "Drink a whole glass of Molson when taking this drug"? What the hell is going on there?

WE'RE THE REPLACEMENTS

2005-02-28T23:17:00.000-05:00

by Jeff Kammann

Since there will be no NHL season for 2004-2005, here are your new replacement teams:

New Jersey DeVilles
New York Lowlanders
New York Strangers
Philadelphia Liars
Pittsburgh Pigeons

Boston Ruins
Buffalo Laborers
Montréal Cancellations (Hab-Nots)
Ottawa Sedentary
Toronto Table Leafs

Atlanta Flashers
Carolina Breezes
Florida Panderers
Tampa Bay Frightning
Washington Crapitals

Chicago Slackhawks
Columbus Strait Jackets
Detroit Dead Wings
Nashville Aliens
St. Louis Bruise

Calgary Blames
Colorado Flurries
Edmonton Spoilers
Minnesota Mild
Vancouver Cannots

Anaheim Mighty Dorks
Dallas Scars
Los Angeles Queens
Phoenix Coyote Uglies
San Jose Flounders

FRIDAY AFTERNOON RANDOM RAMBLINGS

2005-02-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

by Kris Salo

-The f-ing EU. Why do they insist upon making Monopoly money...Wait scratch that, at least Monopoly money doesn't fall apart in your hands. I was going to buy bread today and had a fiver that was a little beat up. So, like most people, I tried to pull the sides apart to straighten it out...Disintegrated! It didn't rip because that would
insinuate that gave resistance. Imagine pulling apart a piece of wet Wonderbread...That's what happened. Have you ever had a US bill rip apart like that?...I've had them rip, but is usually caused by two people pulling hard on a bill. How can you trust a government (or pseudogovernmental overlords) that get(s) their money on the cheap?

-What business do Nelly and Tim McGraw have singing together? And that song really really sucks...

-Speaking of inconsistencies in the EU. Jack Chirac is pushing the Spaniards to pass the SPANISH referendum on the EU constitution. Problem being a majority of the French will probably vote against it when it's put to a referendum here. I guess it's kind of like GWB pushing for human rights in other countries while at home...

PORN HOLDERS

2005-02-09T17:00:00.000-05:00

This witty banter took place without my knowledge, as these two plotted to buy me a new TV for my birthday and, more importantly, tried to find out where to hide my porn. Very funny, guys.
____________________________________________

Karl: Jeff's gonna shit when he sees that new TV....

Scott: Yeah, I already envy him, and I don’t even know what he’s getting. What do say we buy him some brand new porn to watch on his brand new TV? Now that’s the gift that keeps on giving… and receiving…

Karl: But wait, nothing displays the quality of a brand new tv like a black and white movie. Or maybe a Turnervision movie with the color added in later...

Yeah, I guess porn's probably best. Of course, the single guys will never think to get it either. WE better take care of it.

Scott: Yeah, like the color-added version of “It’s a wonderful life”. “Wow, Jeff, your new TV looks… well… did you say this is Hi Def?” As for the porn, it would be really thoughtful if we get him something to HIDE the porn IN. You know, like a “hollow book,” or something inconspicuous – not that I would know – or have one myself… No sir-eee, not me. No way… I’m trying to think of the perfect title for his hollow book. How about “Men are from Jersey, Women are from Havana”?

Karl: This sounds like something for me to work on. All I could come up with immediately was the sacrosanct . . . "The Book of Moremen".
Then I thought about the: "Around the World in 80 Ways".
How about a tribute to Airplane? "Famous Jewish Sports Legends".
A low blow: "Ethiopian Cuisine"?
There really is no end.
How about: "Start the Insanity!!"

Karl: “Gray's Anatomy II”.

Scott: “Catcher in the Rear”.

Karl: “Worn Piece”.

Scott: Sweet!!!

Karl: The other way to store porn is using an acronym:
For example, the books could be labeled:

(PORN) People Of Ruined Nations
(FILTH) Foundations In Living Thru Heartache
(SMUT) Southeast Mexico Undertaking Techniques

Scott: “Brittle Women”.

Karl: Nice. I'd like to see that on High Cleft Television.

WELCOME TO BIG GAME SUNDAY #39!

2005-02-06T14:02:00.000-05:00

by Jeff Kammann

Well, here we are! After 8 weeks of hype, it's finally BIG GAME SUNDAY! Now, of course I can't really say on my blog that I'm talking about that big football BOWL game that everyone hopes will be SUPER, otherwise I'll owe the Nation's Football Legion some fat cash! And I'm not going to do that, no, sir, for fear of legal action. (I even was forced to use a USXFL picture of Steve Younger, who actually was just indicted by the Hall of Fame! As the kids say, "Big ups and bling bling!", and as I say, "Way to go, Stevie Southpaw!")

So getting back to Big Game #39, how can the upstart and 7-touchdown underdog Pennsylvania Egrets beat the Boston Patriarchs? Well, I believe that they have to do three important things:

1. SHOW UP FOR THE GAME.
When I say this, I don't mean they have to get good offensive production from Donald McRibb, and I certainly don't mean a lot of interception runbacks from Darryl Dawkins. What I mean is that they LITERALLY must show up tonight. I don't care how bad the traffic is, or how good the strip clubs are, in Jackson Hole (a small ski town that, in my opinion, has no business hosting the Big Game)! This team has to get on that bus, and show up at the stadium before kickoff, preferably with their helmets and uniforms, if they have any hope in being victorious.

2. SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THEIR OPPONENTS.
This is very important, whether it's on offense or defense, they have to get the ball in the zone, and/or over the bar, often and early. Scoring is the biggest factor in winning games, which I feel is sadly often overlooked. Unfortunately, all of the media attention has been focused on the comeback of lovable loudmouth and ABC soap star/Egret wide receiver O.T. Owen, but if his gonorrhea flares up and prevents him from getting in the game, someone else is going to have step to it! Whether it's Brian Westwood, Todd Pinkerton, or kicker/singer Clay Akins, they have to put it all together and somehow light up the scoresheet more than genius coach Bill Bellhorn's Patriarchs.

3. HOLD THE OTHER GUYS TO LESS POINTS THAN THEM.
This is no less imperative than the last point, for as the great Vic Lombardo once said "Defense wins championships" (which is his second greatest quote after his infamous "Winning isn't everything, but it gets the chicks"). I crunched the numbers, and this Egret team is 15-0 when holding their opponents to less points than they themselves score, and numbers like that don't lie around! Although they're loose because they're finally in the Big Game after not winning it all since the 1960 NFC/ABA merger (a winless streak that some say is due to the Curse of The Vermeil), they have to play tight and hard if they want to bring home the aforementioned Vic's trophy. It all starts with stopping quarterback Tom Bradley and snuffing out runningback Corey Feldman, and making sure the entire Patriarch offense doesn't hit more shots from downtown as they do.

FINAL TALLY. In the final tally, I think the Penn Egrets need to remember these three things, and they can win the Big Game #39 over the tyrannical Patriarchs from Bean City! My only hope is that they have time to read my blog before stepping out onto the pitch!

Enjoy the game!

(Let me know how it was, I'm going to the movies to see "When Will We Get There?", in which Vanilla Ice plays a soccer mom--sounds like a hoot!)

The feelings and opinions expressed within this article are not representative of those of the Nation's Football Legion and its employees. The Eye-Opener cannot be held responsible for any errors, typographical or otherwise (since we had planned to use the Rockland Review editing staff, before learning at the last minute that there is no such thing).

2005-02-05T15:18:00.000-05:00

CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HER

Okay, so I just watched the scene from the movie Closer, which involves Natalie Portman stripping for Clive Owen to The Smiths' song "How Soon Is Now?" It's one of my favorite songs of all-time, and somehow, dammit, they managed to make it better! And it's a fitting song for the scene (as well as the movie), with its bleak soundscape and yearning lyrics: "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does." I need a private lap dance, just like everybody else does.

Anyway, I always thought Natalie Portman was cute (since she starred in Léon (The Professional) when she was 12--is that wrong?), but now she's simply smokin' hot. Did I mention she's stripping? To the Smiths? Why didn't they put this in the trailer? They would have had my $9 in a second! Just had to mention that. They also use the song by Damien Rice entitled "The Blower's Daughter" (yes, it's on the Top 500 List) effectively in this movie, hence this blog entry's title. Did I mention that Natalie Portman plays a stripper? I just wanted to make that clear.

2005-02-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

I LOVE LOTION! The biggest band that never hit the big time.

2005-02-05T01:15:00.000-05:00

2005: THE YEAR OF THE MASHUP?

As you might know I'm a huge music fan, and man, do I really dig these "mashups". Basically, it's a song remixing technique where two seemingly dissimilar songs are sonically "mashed" together with unexpected, and sometimes amazing, results. You might have heard an example of this on a recent Audi commerical from 2004, where David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel" and "Never Get Old" were mashed together into a whole new piece using elements of both songs (which is called "Rebel Never Get Old").

DJ Mark Vidler (whose blog looks astonishingly like mine) and Go Home Productions have created some of the best versions of this new remix artform that I've ever heard. I recently heard the mashup called "Rapture Riders" on an internet radio station. This one features the bizarre marriage of Blondie's "Rapture" with The Doors' "Riders on the Storm". I know, it sounds weird, but you have to hear it.

This one is intriguing, and I can't imagine what made them fit these together: "Ray Of Gob", mixes Madonna's "Ray of Light" vocals with the Sex Pistols' "Pretty Vacant" and "God Save The Queen". Let's face it, this should not work, but pierce my nostrils if it doesn't!!!

And if you've been dying to hear both The Beatles "Day In The Life" and Radiohead's "Karma Police", well, this should save some time: "Karma In The Life".

2005-02-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

BUSH MASHUPS

Now this is very creative. Someone who calls himself "rx" took sound bites of George W. Bush, mixed them up, and set them to music to form these twisted little ditties.

First off, W's words are used against him, as he addresses all the Boys & Girls. And this song is not a rebel song. This song is Sunday Bloody Sunday . . . well, if W was the lead singer of U2. Would that make this a W-2 song? And finally, we have the stunning Dick Is A Killer. Cover the kids' ears when you play this one. Very funny.

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (300 - )

2005-02-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (300-)

300. Ocean Size - Jane's Addiction
299. Subdivisions - Rush
298. Even Flow - Pearl Jam
297. Prison Sex - Tool
296. Time - Pink Floyd
295. Smoke Two Joints - Sublime
294. Rat, The - Walkmen
293. Fuck and Run - Phair, Liz
292. Mirror In The Bathroom - English Beat
291. Sweetest Taboo - Sade
290. Sunken Treasure - Wilco
289. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey - McCartney, Paul and Wings
288. Miss World - Hole
287. Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies
286. Sour Girl - Stone Temple Pilots
285. Stigmata - Ministry
284. Boom, Like That - Knopfler, Mark
283. Spanish Bombs - Clash
282. Taking Care Of Business - Bachman-Turner Overdrive
281. That Smell - Lynyrd Skynyrd
280. Black - Pearl Jam
279. Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
278. Emotional Weather Forecast - Waits, Tom
277. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n' Roses
276. Last Laugh - Knopfler, Mark (feat. Van Morrison)
275. I Fought The Law - Clash
274. Freewill - Rush
273. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses - U2
272. Hey You - Pink Floyd
271. Doin' Time - Sublime
270. Building A Mystery - McLachlan, Sarah
269. These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs
268. When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
267. Birth, School, Work, Death - Godfathers
266. Down In A Hole - Alice In Chains
265. Mountain Song - Jane's Addiction
264. She's A Beauty - Tubes
263. Dry The Rain - Beta Band
262. Come To Me - Bjork
261. Miserlou - Dale, Dick and The Del-Tones
260. Somebody To Love - Queen
259. Round Here - Counting Crows
258. Chop Suey! - System Of A Down
257. I Wanna Be Adored - Stone Roses
256. Don't Know Why - Jones, Norah
255. Mannish Boy - Waters, Muddy

2005-02-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (500-401)

500. Straight To Hell - Clash
499. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
498. Frankly, Mr. Shankly - Smiths
497. Frankenstein - Edgar Winter Group
496. Safety Dance - Men Without Hats
495. More Than A Feeling - Boston
494. Amish Paradise - "Weird Al" Yankovic
493. American Pie - McLean, Don
492. Mother - Pink Floyd
491. Every Breath You Take - Police
490. The River - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
489. Rock Lobster - The B-52's
488. Whole Lotta Rosie - AC/DC
487. I Was A Punk Before You Were A Punk - Tubes
486. Eruption - Van Halen
485. Feed The Tree - Belly
484. Gimme Three Steps - Lynyrd Skynyrd
483. Bone China - Mother Love Bone
482. Revolution - Beatles
481. Heading Out To The Highway - Judas Priest
480. Rocket Queen - Guns n' Roses
479. Feeling Gravity's Pull - R.E.M.
478. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You - Led Zeppelin
477. Don't Talk - 10,000 Maniacs
476. Ordinary World - Duran Duran
475. Date Rape - Sublime
474. Bela Lugosi's Dead - Bauhaus
473. Cannonball - Breeders
472. Voices In My Head - Police
471. Whiplash - Metallica
470. When Doves Cry - Prince
469. Brothers in Arms - Dire Straits
468. Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2
467. Red House - Jimi Hendrix
466. Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam
465. Let's Dance - Bowie, David
464. Texas Flood - Vaughn, Stevie Ray
463. L'Opportuniste - Dutronc, Jacques
462. Big Balls - AC/DC
461. Cocaine - Clapton, Eric
460. Hurt - Cash, Johnny

459. (Don't Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
458. Shout - Tears For Fears
457. 18 And Life - Skid Row
456. I Drove All Night - Lauper, Cyndi
455. Another Time, Another Place - U2
454. Heart of Glass - Blondie
453. New World Man - Rush
452. Hands All Over - Soundgarden
451. Magdalena - A Perfect Circle
450. Foreclosure Of A Dream - Megadeth
449. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) - Eurythmics
448. All I Want Is You - U2
447. Lost Cause - Beck
446. Champagne Supernova - Oasis
445. One Thing Leads To Another - Fixx
444. Louder Than A Bomb - Public Enemy
443. Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve
442. Suedehead - Morrissey
441. Say Hello To Heaven - Temple Of The Dog
440. Teen Age Riot - Sonic Youth
439. Cold As Ice - Foreigner
438. '40' - U2
437. Money For Nothing - Dire Straits
436. Jump - Van Halen
435. Jump Around - House of Pain
434. She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals
433. Forever Young - Dylan, Bob
432. Can't Find My Way Home - Blind Faith
431. Cat's In The Cradle - Chapin, Harry
430. Jammin' - Marley, Bob
429. Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner - Zevon, Warren
428. Breakdown - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
427. You Really Got Me - Kinks
426. Bulls On Parade - Rage Against The Machine
425. Fairytale In New York - Pogues (featuring Kirsty MacColl)
424. San Andreas Fault - Merchant, Natalie
423. Moving To Bohemia - Lee, Geddy
422. When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
421. Hurt a Long Time - Cantrell, Jerry
420. Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds
419. Waterfalls - TLC
418. Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot
417. No Rain - Blind Melon
416. Freak On A Leash - Korn
415. Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers
414. Space Oddity - Bowie, David
413. Du Hast - Rammstein
412. Beautiful World - Devo
411. Fell In Love With A Girl - White Stripes
410. I'll Stick Around - Foo Fighters
409. Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden

408. Big Bottom - Spinal Tap
407. I Got You - Split Enz
406. Song 2 - Blur
405. Here's Where The Story Ends - Sundays
404. Hey Nineteen - Steely Dan
403. Rudie Can't Fail - Clash
402. Tomorrow Never Comes - Big Head Todd and the Monsters
401. Laid - James

2005-02-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (400-305)

400. Excuse Me Mr. - Harper, Ben
399. Too Old to Rock and Roll, Too Young to Die - Jethro Tull
398. Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis - Waits, Tom
397. Needle and the Damage Done - Young, Neil
396. Because The Night (Unplugged) - 10,000 Maniacs
395. Tiki Bar Is Open - Haitt, John
394. Tell Me What You Want - Zebra
393. Possession - McLachlan, Sarah

392. Gloria - U2
391. Alive - Pearl Jam
390. Bring the Noise - Anthrax with Public Enemy
389. For Whom the Bell Tolls - Metallica
388. Trouble Me - 10,000 Maniacs
387. Aerials - System of A Down
386. Justice Not Politics - Business
385. Sweet Leaf - Black Sabbath
384. One Thing - INXS
383. Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
382. Dust In The Wind - Kansas
381. Just A Girl - No Doubt
380. Subterranean Homesick Alien - Radiohead
379. Shock The Monkey - Gabriel, Peter
378. Most Of The Time - Dylan, Bob
377. Magic Man - Heart
376. I Want You (She's So Heavy) - Beatles
375. Bitchin' Camaro - Dead Milkmen
374. Subterranean Homesick Blues - Dylan, Bob
373. Riders On The Storm - Doors
372. Stop Draggin' My Heart Around - Nicks, Stevie and Tom Petty
371. Fisherman's Blues - Waterboys
370. La Vie Est Belle - MC Solaar
369. Pretending - Clapton, Eric
368. I Don't Like Mondays - Boomtown Rats
367. Thrill Is Gone - B.B. King
366. Baba O'Riley - Who, The
365. You Can Leave Your Hat On - Cocker, Joe
364. Best Of What's Around - Matthews, Dave
363. Corduroy - Pearl Jam
362. One of These Days - Pink Floyd

361. Welcome Home (Sanitarium) - Metallica
360. Pets - Porno For Pyros
359. Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins
358. Shot Down In Flames - AC/DC
357. Spirit Of The Street - Business
356. 4 Degrees - Tool
355. Guyana (Cult Of The Damned) - Man O' War
354. Can't Hardly Wait - Replacements
353. Love Is Like Oxygen - Sweet
352. Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
351. Love Is The Drug - Roxy Music
350. Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival
349. Moving In Stereo - Cars, The
348. What Do All The People Know - Monroes
347. Crossfire - Vaughn, Stevie Ray
346. Praise You - Fatboy Slim
345. (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding - Costello, Elvis
344. Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Dylan, Bob
343. Rush Of Blood To The Head - Coldplay
342. Comme Un Fils - Corneille
341. Blower's Daughter - Rice, Damien
340. Nuthin' But A "G" Thang- Snoop Dogg (featuring Dr. Dre)
339. Desert Rose - Sting with Cheb Mami
338. Whenever, Wherever - Shakira
337. Isobel - Dido
336. Boom Boom - Hooker, John Lee
335. She's So Cold - Rolling Stones
334. Fast Car - Chapman, Tracy
333. Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
332. Keep The Faith - Dropkick Murphys
331. Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple
330. Turn The Page - Bob Seger
329. Suck My Kiss - Red Hot Chili Peppers
328. Layla (Unplugged Version) - Clapton, Eric
327. Backwater - Meat Puppets
326. Rape Me - Nirvana
325. Man In The Box - Alice In Chains
324. Sounds Of Science - Beastie Boys
323. Into The Mystic - Van Morrison
322. Groove Is In The Heart - Deee-Lite
321. Stripped - Depeche Mode
320. Whisky In The Jar - Thin Lizzy
319. Debaser - Pixies [Click for live mp3]
318. Here With Me - Dido
317. Cherub Rock - Smashing Pumpkins
316. I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You - Waits, Tom
315. Thursday - Morphine
314. Future - Cohen, Leonard
313. Paint It, Black - Rolling Stones
312. Black Magic Woman - Santana
311. And She Was - Talking Heads
310. In God's Country - U2
309. Life Without You - Vaughn, Stevie Ray
308. Woman Like A Man - Rice, Damien
307. Hey Joe - Hendrix, Jimi
305. What I Got - Sublime
304. This Year's Love - Gray, David
304. Judas My Heart - Belly
303. Burden In My Hand - Soundgarden
302. Join Together - Who
301. Slam - Onyx with Biohazard

2005-02-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

RATING THE POST-SEASON HARDWARE
by Rob Vertullo

I thought I'd waste a few moments not by reading a good book or exercising but rather by deciding which sports trophy I like best. I'm only going to include the major sports: football, basketball, hockey, and baseball. Don't go complaining that the Nextel Cup should be on the list. One, NASCAR is not a sport, it's 100,000 people applauding a colossal squandering of petroleum. Two, it's the Winston Cup, and cell phones cause cancer, too. You're not fooling anybody.

So here they are in increasing order of non-shittiness:

Major League Baseball's Championship Trophy.

Don't know if it has a name, but I know it doesn't deserve one. I can't even find a photo on the internet. Looks like an overgrown ashtray. The greatest moment for this thing ever was when George Costanza tied it to his bumper and drove it around the parking lot in an effort to get fired.

[Note: I found a picture of the MLB "World Championship" Trophy, and man, it's uglier than I thought. It must be much better looking when you're wearing champagne goggles. -JK]

NBA Championship Trophy.

A smaller than regulation gold ball atop a narrow waste-paper basket. Oh no, wait, I get it, it's a net, with a very narrow diameter. The ball clearly will not fit in it. Not very imaginative, and not very sturdy looking either. I wonder if it can stand up by itself without toppling over.

NFL's Lombardi Trophy.

Similar to the NBA trophy, it's the ball that gets the recognition. A silver football resting on a pedastal. I like this trophy, though. Like the man it is
named after, it is timeless and classy. Also looks like it would make a good weapon.

NHL's Stanley Cup.

The Holy Grail. The hardest to win trophy in all of sports is also the best. You think anyone wants to carry that baseball thing around and kiss it in front of thousands of fans?

Ironically, the worst trophy in all of sports is also a hockey trophy, the World Cup of Hockey Trophy.

Ughh.

I'm sure when it was introduced the phrase "oh, shit" was heard more than once. They did their best, hired an art guy and everything. Nothing says hockey like a fragile piece of glass, eh? This should be named the Stanley Roper Cup. As boring and unimaginative as the character from "Three's Company".

______________________________________________________________

On another topic, Dick Vitale was on the radio this morning, and what does it say about morning radio, and about me, that I couldn't muster the effort to reach over and press one of the other pre-set buttons? So I'm listening to this human Vesuvius as he entombs yet another 5 minutes under a layer of molten cliches, when he says, "Tom Brady is the Derek Jeter of sports." Brilliant. And Lexus is the Cadillac of Automobiles.

What does that leave for Derek Jeter to be the Derek Jeter of? Bartending? Cancer research? I know, it's my fault. I could just turn it off. And listen to what? Stern?

Only 9 weeks to go until the Masters. I wonder if I can hold my nose that long.

2005-01-14T21:45:00.000-05:00

RANDY NO MAS
by Kris Salo

Ugh, I hate this sh!t . . .

Here's the thing: football rewards the guys with the most testosterone. It's a cut throat sport where guys literally try to remove their opponents heads in a nice, clean, family-friendly way.

I don't like Randy Moss, I don't like Terrell Owens, but you know what? I don't f-ing care how they celebrate. It makes me want them to get leveled even more, but they go out there and they are pretty good players and they are risking their bodies on every play. If they want to celebrate for a play well done, so be it. Was Randy Moss's celebration in bad taste? Certainly. Was it obscene? That depends on how you define obscene. 50 years ago it was obscene to show a cow's udder on TV . . .

The thing that bugs me is the incredible hypocrisy that exists here. Football condones the guys that go out and celebrate by pretending to fire a machine gun into the crowd. This shows a good all-American boy who is . . . what now? Murdering everyone around him? But Moss fake mooning the crowd is the thing that gets 1000s of complaints . . .

I personally think Warren Sapp dancing in any manner is obscene and football really needs to take strides next year to fine him every time a piece of his 450 pound frame jiggles.

2005-01-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

THOSE SILLY EXTREMISTS
By Kris Salo

I don't know if any of the news from France gets through over there . . . I mean what American wants to hear about France? But anyway, there's a huge stir here over the remarks of acclaimed racist and frequent presidential candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen for comments he made. The news media here always shortens these remarks to make the most of removing the context . . . here's the longest statement I have heard regarding his comments:

"It's true . . . that if we compare the German occupation of France with the occupation of other European countries, proportionally, it's in France that this was the least painful . . . This does not mean that the Germans didn't bring their politics, to have racial deportations, political persecutions and a campaign against the Resistance."

Now, on the radio I heard the following comment:

"The German occupation of France was not particularly painful."

Two things: the German occupation of France was LESS painful than say Poland or Russia; it may not have been the best (and no occupation is particularly good - except the Americans in Iraq of course), Denmark was not on the level of Poland or Russia either, and its up to the academics to argue more or less painful. But the thing here is that contrary to the original report that I heard (and only after I attempted to find the real comments) my impression was that LePen basically said that the Germans treated the French well. What the reporters have said, and what the truth is are different. 2nd, the French were treated better (than the Poles) because they rolled over like beagles and allowed the Germans to climb between their legs and have their way with them . . .

The second set of comments from LePen had to deal with a town here in France where the retreating Germans locked all of the residents in the central church and proceeded, in very methodical fashion I'm sure (they were Germans), to burn the church down. I can not find the original quote, but from what I have discerned, he said that more investigation needed to be done because it isn't 100% sure that it was the Germans. I don't know the whole story, and can't find the original quote, but for me this seems to be at the base of free speech: he is questioning the history that has been held as true for 60 years.

Free speech not withstanding, he'll probably get jail time for this, although it may be suspended since he's 80ish . . .

_________________________________________________
Rob's reply:

Didn't that "burn the Church down with the folks inside" happen during the American - English war of 1776? Or at least it happened in "The Patriot", in which Mel Gibson played Pontious Pilate. That's some country there, that France. They give Michael Moore awards for making up history, and this guy gets jail time for trying to set it straight.

Whilst I am in a foul mood and in front of my PC, I will spill some bile that has been building up for the last week or so.

I haven't given any money to the tsunami relief funds, and I don't plan on it either. Every time I see footage from Malaysia, they are wearing Osama bin Laden T-shirts and shouting "death to America". Hey, I heard bin Laden has deep pockets. Maybe he has some money for you. Now one of their corrupt leaders says all foreign military must be out of there by the end of March. I'm sure things will be good as new by then.
Luckily in Malaysia "good as new" means people living in houses made of excrement.

Brad and Jen broke up. *yawn* These Hollywood types can't stand EACH OTHER for very long, how long am I supposed to be able to put up with them?

Randy Moss was fined for being crude. I was deeply offended by his actions. I wish that FOX had quickly cut away from the touchdown catch and gone directly to the wholesome dick drugs and women-with-big-tits-drinking-shitty-tasting-beer commercials. I suppose the people of Green Bay were offended? What can you do to offend people who wear oversized wedges of plastic cheese on their heads?

*Story from Atlanta: "A federal judge Thursday ordered a suburban Atlanta school system to remove stickers from its high school biology textbooks that call evolution ``a theory, not a fact,'' saying the disclaimers are an unconstitutional endorsement of religion."

The story then goes on the explain the position of the Judge, the ACLU, the school board and the principal. Hmmmm, seems like the opinion of scientists and religious scholars might be useful here, but no I'm sure judges and lawyers can iron out the unanswerable questions that have plagued mankind since the beginning of time, or for at least 5000 years, depending on whom you ask.

2005-01-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

LEAVE IT TO THE REPUBLICANS TO LET THE SPANIARDS BACK IN THE PANTRY

The D.C. area's groundbreaking alternative rock station, the Infinity-owned WHFS 99.1 FM, abruptly changed their format yesterday to "all Spanish, all the time." After playing their final English speaking song (appropriately, Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye"), suddenly and without explanation they went straight from the WHFS bumper, directly into the new station's Spanish bumper and their "nueva musica latina" format.

In an instant, the station abandoned the likes of the White Stripes, Green Day and Jet for middle-of-the-road superstars such as Marc Anthony, Juan Luis Guerra and Victor Manuelle.

At noon yesterday, the station behind the HFStival, a popular annual concert, broadcast the late Jeff Buckley's 1995 hit, "Last Goodbye." And then came something that WHFS listeners hadn't heard before in the station's 36-year history as the arbiter of cutting-edge rock:

"WHFS transmitiendo desde la ciudad capital de America:"
"Esta! Es! Tu! Nueva! Radio!"
"Transmitting from America's Capital City: This! Is! Your! New! Radio!"

Lanham-based WHFS is now "El Zol," where they're "siempre de fiesta" -- always partying.

Great. As if you needed one, here's another reason to avoid turning on the radio (I just have to check my presets in my car, just to make sure they're all okay). This already happened last year to one of my favorite stations, WLIR 92.7 from Long Island. That's what happens when you have three companies that own all the radio stations. Ugh.

The Motley Fool also weighs in on the Death Of Radio.

2005-01-10T22:45:00.000-05:00

BIG BEN'S BABE

I just had to mention that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger, the NFL Rookie of the Year, is currently dating LPGA hottie Natalie Gulbis.

I first saw the above picture a few months back in FHM, Maxim, Swank, whatever it was. ESPN was calling her the "Anna Kournikova of golf"--well, geez, I hope her swing isn't THAT bad. Basically, I can't find anything wrong with her . . . wait, what the hell, is that Creed playing on her website? That music makes me want to pray, "God, make it stop!" Oh thank the Lord, there's a mute button.

Anyway, if Saturday's Pittsburgh vs. New York Jets game ends up being a blowout, at least this gives us something to look for in the stands . . .

2005-01-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

Take A Listen (from Pixiesdiscs.com)

Until the CDs arrive later this month, I've been invited to take a listen to Debaser from Norfolk, VA. (NOTE: Keep in mind, this is a compressed MP3, and the CD's will sound even BETTER.) Also from the PixiesDiscs blog, it's No. 13 Baby from Dec. 8 in Washington D.C.

2005-01-03T18:25:00.000-05:00

From The "Only In America" File

From the amazon.com website, this is the item "Most Wished For In Health & Personal Care": the Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator. Stock up while supplies last, because at only $1495.00, they ain't gonna last long!

The best thing is description of this product, which touts this as "essential emergency equipment", right up there with "fire extinguishers, seat belts, airbags". Interesting marketing spin. I'm not buying it, because those other things sound like inventions to combat unavoidable accidents. Instead of plunking down all that money for a defibrillator, how about you first get some exercise and cut down on all those artery-clogging super-sized meals?

2005-01-03T17:52:00.000-05:00

This is interesting: it's the GOOGLE ZEITGEIST for 2004.

They counted up everything that people search for using Google in 2004. It turns out that "The Simpsons" was the most popular TV show queried, and "France" was the most popular country in news searches. So that puts them right up there in the same company as Orlando Bloom and Britney Spears. How exciting.

2005-01-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

I had tee many martoonis last night.

2004-12-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

MO' MOE

Here's a quote where Flanders shares his opinion of Moe.

2004-12-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

THE GREAT WHIPPED HOPE

This story (from August 8, 2002) about NBA player Doug Christie and his wife Jackie is beyond amazing.

In the final minute of an N.B.A. playoff game on Monday night, Doug Christie raised his left fist, extending his pinkie and index fingers toward the rafters of Arco Arena. Christie, a lanky swingman for the Sacramento Kings, appeared to be calling out a play for his teammates.

But the message was actually intended for his wife, Jackie, seated in the stands. He often makes the same hand signal at least 50 times a game. "That's just to let my wife know I love her, and she and family are bigger than basketball," Christie said.

Christie's wife Jackie rides in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena. Jackie Christie said she and her husband began communicating with each other during games a while ago. "When I make this sign, it means drive to the hole," she said. "When I make this sign, it means smile because you look a little sad on the bench. He started making this sign and said, 'This means I love you,' and it developed from there. It makes me feel real special."

Reporters who cover Christie's former team, the Toronto Raptors, were so intrigued by the couple's sign language that they created a betting pool when the Raptors played at Sacramento last November. By their count, Christie signaled his wife 62 times during the game. "Sixty-two," Jackie said, shaking her head in a pleased manner recently as she clutched her husband's hand on the couch in their home in suburban Sacramento. "That's beautiful."

When the Kings flew to Los Angeles today for Game 3 of the Western Conference finals against the Lakers on Friday night, Jackie was seated next to Doug, as much a part of the postseason experience as any family member in the N.B.A. In the frenetic world of major professional sports, where athletes have trouble balancing their personal and public lives -- and the perception of don't-ask, don't-tell marriages is sometimes a reality -- the Christies have gone to great lengths to make sure their own vows are kept sacred.

With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even eye contact. "Every conversation I've ever had with a woman since we've been married besides my wife she knows about," he said. "She's been there. But what are we talking about? Banking? Mortgage? Other than that, I don't have anything to say to anybody. It's taking up my time and my time is limited to basketball and my family."

The Christies, who have been married for eight years and have three children, get married on July 8 each year, their anniversary. It is not a mere renewal of their wedding vows, but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family, cake and a reception. This year, they will be married on the foundation of their new, not-yet-completed home in Bellevue, Wash. Christie's agent, Bradley Marshall, who is also a minister, has married them the past two years. "At first I thought this was a little bit much, but when you see the dividends it pays, you understand," Marshall said. "They invite other married couples to the wedding, and they're very encouraged by the whole process. It's very emotional."

Jackie said she attends 25 to 30 of the Kings' 41 regular-season road games, riding on the team's charter. "I used to tell people I was married to an athlete and they would give me that look, 'Oh, we know what he's doing,' " she said. "I don't try to explain anymore: 'Yeah, but he's different. And I travel with him and he's not like the rest.' I just know Doug is faithful."

When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. "A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud," she said. "It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon. It just came out. She was a pretty girl, very young. But she was touching someone she shouldn't have been."

Some wives of professional athletes focus on the perks of life in the big time: affluence, public attention, premium seats at sold-out games. Jackie Christie sees a different reality, one in which her husband and other players are battling the seduction of women who wait after games and prowl hotel lobbies. "You see so much of that going on, you think, 'Is that going to happen to me?'", she said. "I'm fine now. I gave up trying to change things. People are going to be the way they're going to be. Now, my attitude is, whatever we have to do to keep our circle tight. Just respect what we have and our commitment."

Sustaining relationships can be difficult for N.B.A. players, said Charles Smith, a former player who was a union vice president. "Nine times out of 10, when a player gets married early in his career, he's still growing and his spouse is still growing," Smith said. "Then you have kids, and it's a very difficult juggling act. If you don't have a firm foundation to fall back on, it doesn't work."

Rick Fox, the Lakers' forward, and his wife of three years, the actress and singer Vanessa Williams, sometimes put up with a bicoastal relationship. Williams is starring on Broadway in Into the Woods. "I admire any NBA couple that takes steps to make their relationship work because, let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who want to disrupt what we have," Fox said. "This is not the healthiest environment for a marriage. You've got to have a lot of trust to be married to any professional athlete."

Many of the game's most prominent players have taken part in the league's extravagant lifestyle. Magic Johnson acknowledged after announcing in 1991 that he had contracted H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, that he had been promiscuous. Patrick Ewing testified last year in a federal racketeering trial in Atlanta about sexual favors he received from dancers at a local strip club.

Jackie Christie arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him afterward. She sends him a note in the locker room before each game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back. Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena.

Doug Christie says he is a willing participant in these rituals. "It was hard for me to do the interview about this and say this is my life," he said. "Because some people will say: 'That's a bunch of garbage. He's lying.' But this is who I am and who we are."

During Christie's time in Toronto, Jackie was uncomfortable that women working for the Raptors went into the locker room to distribute statistics after games. So Doug began dressing in an adjacent room. An Eastern Conference team official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that he had warned the Kings about obtaining Christie two years ago because of some of the issues his wife had raised in Toronto.

"I just felt I needed to protect my territory in the beginning," Jackie said. "So I had a lot of issues. I have a jealous bone in my body, yes. It's probably as big as me. I'm very easygoing until I feel a threat." She added: "Doug is allowed to look at females. I would prefer he didn't."

Jackie sometimes has made it clear to her husband and team employees that certain female reporters should not be allowed to interview her husband unless she is present. "If she wants an interview, I will attend it with my husband so there can be no games," she said.

Some of the Kings kid Christie about the hand signals. "Hedo will flash the sign at my wife from over on the bench," he said of Hedo Turkoglu, the Kings' swingman. "They have fun with it, but they also respect and accept it."

Christie is a versatile 6-foot-6 player who made the N.B.A.'s all-defensive team because of his long arms, quickness and desire. Off the floor, he is a laid-back 10-year veteran. Introverted outside the locker room, he is thoughtful and well read. Born to a biracial couple -- his father is black, his mother white -- Christie grew up in Seattle.

He met Jackie, a former part-time model, at a sports bar through a friend before he was drafted out of Pepperdine in 1992. He said his lifestyle was much more carefree and rambunctious before his marriage. "Each of us has to go through and find our own way and mine was the route that I took," he said. "We all have choices, and the choices I was making back then were not the ones I would want to teach to my children."

Asked if he considered his current behavior drastic, Christie shook his head no. "It's not that I'm not allowed to look at women, it's just respect," he said. "I choose this. There is nothing out there for me to want or try to go after. That's not what I'm trying to be about."

The Christies say their behavior has not been influenced by a religious sect or a life-altering event. "I really can't explain it to you, except one day we were in the driveway of our Seattle home before I got married and all of a sudden all these revelations started coming to me in 1994," Christie said. "It came from God. I used to tell her, 'I know where I want to go, but I don't know how to get there.' Everything became clear when I told her I wanted to marry her. The life I was leading before I didn't want anymore." Jackie looked approvingly at her husband and smiled. "I get a lot of women who asked me, 'How did you get Doug to act that way?'"

He said: "Our love is boundless and free. For me, it doesn't feel like a restriction. It's a lifestyle, the way we live. So it's easy. It's not, 'You can't do this, you can't do that.'"

2004-12-23T16:25:00.000-05:00

WEDDING BETTING
by Bill Simmons, ESPN Page 2
In honor of Kris and Julie's upcoming wedding (September 24th, 2005 in Bordeaux, France) . . .

So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:

1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.

2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.

3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.

4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.

5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.

6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.

7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.

8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.

9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.

10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...

And the ultimate long-shot bet...
11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.

2004-12-23T16:00:00.000-05:00

RANDOM MUSINGS

Why do people spit gum into the urinal? I'm sure they had to pass at least ONE GARBAGE CAN on their way there. Then it ends up there for months because no one wants to dig in there and retrieve it. I think people that do that should be forced to take it out of there and resume chewing it. (JK)

How did "television" become shortened to "T.V.", while the "telephone" became shortened to "phone"? Why don't we say, "Hey, could you turn down the vision, I'm trying to talk on the T.P.!!!" (RV & JK)

I noticed while compiling the Top 500 that the Beatles are the only band that doesn't allow "sound bites" of their songs on any commerce websites. Why? What's the point? Do they think that people can take that low quality mono snippet and create a perfect sounding stereo clone of the entire song, like it's DNA? I blame Michael Jackson. Maybe I should sue him for molesting the Beatles catalog. (JK)

We realized that Moe Syzslak has so many great quotes on "The Simpsons". Here's one from "The Springfield Files" where he's hooked up to a lie detector. (RV, JK)

2004-12-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

* Since players change teams more frequently than I change my oil filter, here's an idea that is long overdue: official team jerseys with Velcro® numbers and letters! This way, you only have to buy ONE jersey of your favorite team, and you can mix n' match numbers and letters to root for whomever happens to stick around long enough to attract your attention. As Jerry Seinfeld said, we're basically rooting for laundry, so why not make that pointless investment last? I'm still kicking myself for buying that $300 authentic Mike Piazza Florida Marlins jersey. I really thought that was going to last.

* Seen in West Haverstraw the other day: a woman in an ankle-length fur coat running into the dollar store. Classic. I didn't look around to see if she had double parked her Lexus to do so.

2004-12-18T10:27:00.000-05:00

FROM THE COMEDY VAULT: EGGSTREMELY AMUSING

By Rob Vertullo
2/23/2004 01:56 PM

I saw a commercial yesterday that literally had me crying with laughter.

From the cheesy, mail order kitchen gadget company comes the ultra egg peeler (or some sh!t name like that). Yep, now peeling eggs is fun and easy! Remember how much trouble peeling eggs used to be? Neither do I, but apparently, this was once one of the most time consuming, wasteful, messy operations in the entire kitchen. To drive this point home, the commercial features some black and white footage of a 1950s-ish housewife attempting to peel an egg, without using the ultra egg peeler.

Oh the horror!

The poor woman is virtually reduced to tears by her own ineptitude. She simply cannot separate the shell from the egg without making her kitchen look like some kind of boiled egg crime scene There are egg pieces everywhere. There is a mound of mangled eggs and shells on the table, There are eggs in her hair. There are eggs on her apron. There are eggs on the walls. Clearly the woman is a failure as an egg peeler and as a wife and mother. The only thing there is to do now is grab for that hidden bottle of Four Roses and hope the kids don't bring any friends over today.

Man what a laugh I had. You gotta look for this ad.

2004-12-16T18:30:00.000-05:00

CD Baby has your live Pixies discs!

2004-12-15T22:49:00.000-05:00

Great news for the French...
By Kris Salo

I was just reading old eye-opener rants by myself and Rob, and
realized, after Marketers the French are the most criticized. It makes
me think about this new bridge that was built here:

I don't know if you have read anything about this, or heard about
it...as most of you get your news exclusively from Fox News, I would
assume it wasn't mentioned. Anyway in Millau, a town about 45 minutes
from here, they have built the world's tallest bridge. It is 1200 feet
or something like that...It's 53 feet higher than the Eiffel towner...
-Historical note: the town of Millau is where Jose Bove methodically
deconstructed a McDonalds restaurant.

My favorite headline was from MSNBC: "France claims to have built
highest bridge." The thing is that height is a very objective
thing...Therefore it's either the highest or not...anyway I
digress...This is a great subject of pride for the French. You can not
turn on the TV or look at a newspaper without being told how this
amazing feat has been done in France, by the French. Chirac was at the
opening ceremony today, talking about how this shows the greatness of
the French and how they are a culture of leaders (or something like
that...I forget the exact words, but that's the main jist of it).
Anyway, the kicker on this...The architect, well he was, how do I put
this so it's clear...Ummm, well not French. He was British. So right,
it was a French company that followed the instructions written by a
Brit. This is like me sending Rob a recipe for foie gras, him making
it, and then claiming that it was an American feat of cooking...

I really think the French are the Chihuahuas of the world today. Tiny,
frightened, shaking, and barking at everything that they can...

2004-12-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

Notes from the "NFL Week 14 DirecTV Sunday Ticket Football Craptacular!" (Thanks Mr. Vertullo!)
by Jeff Kammann

* If you're going to give a player a nickname, you can't use one that's already taken. "The Snake" will always be Ken Stabler, and "LT" will always be Lawrence Taylor. Those are nicknames of Hall of Famers, so those are officially off limits. Therefore from now on, Jake "The Snake" Plummer will from now on be referred to as Jake "Liquid" Plummer.
* On another name-related note, "Antwaan Randle El" is a difficult name to remember and/or spell; thus he will now be called "Tony Randall".
* One of the myriad of asinine commercials we saw informed us that, according to some panel of idiots, Aspen Edge has "more taste" than Michelob Ultra. Rob pointed out that "more taste" doesn't necessarily mean "better taste". For instance, let's use water, which has no taste, as a baseline. If you asked me to compare that to a glass of water that a dog had defecated in, there's a very good chance the second drink would have "more taste" than water. So if we apply the aforementioned "advertising logic", I should therefore choose the crap-flavored beverage over the water, because it has "more taste". Makes perfect sense to me!
* NFL referees now make an average of 7-8 questionable/bad calls a game. It's not worth getting worked up over something that happens with such frequency, so just get used to it. However, when they get a call RIGHT, invariably one of the coaches challenges it. And those mind-numbing minutes where they "review the play" and don't change the call, you can't get those minutes back. They're gone forever.
* From what I've heard, everyone who has a TiVo thinks it's the greatest invention ever. And I would agree that great strides have been made in digital technology to keep people on the couch glued to their TV screens. However, there are two major problems with this technology, as I see it: 1) Bad timing. Although there are definitely more programs on TV from which to choose than ever before, there are less of them that I actually can sit through. So what's the point? I would be spending $13 to get every episode of "The Simpsons" aired that month, and that's about it. Which isn't a bad thing, but it's hardly necessary. 2) Going forward. You can now "freeze" and "rewind" live TV, which is neat . . . but what about fast forwarding? Yeah, I know it's impossible for a live sporting event, but what about a show that's already been taped? Most programs are just "reality" shows that are edited to create drama, but essentially nothing really happens until the last 10 minutes. So please, why do I have to sit through all of that nonsense, I just want to see whose traded spouse got voted off the renovated chopper!

2004-12-08T21:00:00.000-05:00

BMI, the Bullshit Mass Index
by Robert Vertullo

Every health related website has a BMI (body mass index) calculator now. The BMI, they say, is an excellent indicator of cardiovascular health. Simply plug in your height and weight and, presto, you find out if you are a fat bastard or not. Never mind that you haven't seen your toes in years and can barely make it up a flight of stairs. That's hardly a scientific way to determine the state of your health. You need the vast knowledge and expertise of accountants and actuaries to really
find out.

So I decided to plug in the numbers. Man was I shocked. A BMI of 32.3. Obese. Probably more shocking was that I plugged in the height and weight of Ray Lewis, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. That's right Ray, you fat toad, you are the embodiment of the lazy, over-indulgent American. So get your cellulite riddled ass off the field and in the weight room for some serious remedial body reshaping before Coach Billick sees you. On the other hand, well know actress and apparent victim of a random slashing attack Tara Reid measures in at a healthy 19.8, and so will probably live to be 120, despite that mountain of cocaine she's consumed and her obvious inability to choose a competent physician.

I'm going to do some R&D and see if I can come up with a BAI, "Body Ass Index". This will be a simple tool for determining what percentage of your body is ass, and, by extrapolation, whether or not you should be wearing those pants. Preliminary data shows that for women, this is going to result in a bell shaped curve. With "Those pants make you look like a 12 year old boy" at the low end and "Those pants could replace the Metrodome roof" on the other end. Mind you, these are only preliminary results.

By the way, the groin pull is healing nicely, but I wish the makers of Sportscreme had put a warning on the label "DO NOT PUT THIS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR NAUGHTY BITS".

2004-12-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

SEMI-HOMEMADE
by Robert Vertullo
I've mentioned before that I watch the food network all the time. Still, I have no idea why, all I ever make is grilled chicken. Anyway, there is a show called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee". I find it funny because what Sandra does is show you how to make store bought items seems homemade. In other words, you combine all the effort, time and expense of homemade cooking with mediocre quality ingredients you find in frozen aisle at Safeway, and end up with a lot of pots and pans to clean. Now Sandra herself is sort of a cross between Betty Crocker and Barbie. So it was particularly funny to see her make a Kwanza cake and a Star of David cake. And of course every other sentence out of her is "and these are SOOO easy!" Well no, they are not, but just buying an Entenmann's would have been twice as easy and half the price.

2004-11-30T21:11:00.000-05:00

TOP TEN PROCLAMATIONS I WOULD MAKE IF I WERE KING
October 10, 2004
By: Rob Vertullo, Jeff Kammann, Kris Salo

10. Refrigerators refrigerate, toasters toast, but ovens don't oven, so from now on ovens shall be called "cookenators".

9. From now on, M&Ms are to only come in 3 colors. for ease of use they will be colors A,B and C: azure, blue and cerulean.

8. People will be forbidden to talk on the cell phone while on the toilet.

7. All government offices shall be closed during "Kiafest".

6. Whether it be a sport, potato chip flavor, or deodorant/antiperspirant, you are forbidden to use the term "extreme" in its name, unless it is scientifically proven to be so.

5. Before sporting events, The National Anthem shall be replaced by the stadium announcer reading a list of fans in attendance whose cars are currently being broken into.

4. The entire space program will be responsible for only two things: a) putting up new satellites that are created solely to spy on women in clothing store changing rooms, and; b) launching toxic waste into the sun.

3. Anyone who has $190,000 to travel into space on Virgin Galatic shall be required to give me $10,000 because they are too rich...

2. The New York Times shall be required to print at least one true story in each edition. The Weekly World News shall be consulted to verify the story.

1. Marijuana, heroin, PCP, morphine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, cocaine (including crack and original recipe), and hallucinogens such as LSD and ecstasy will now be considered legal substances. However, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and any foodstuffs produced using this material (including but not limited to: SPAM™, McDonald's™ hamburgers, Cheez Whiz™, Doritos™, Orville Redenbacher's™ Movie Theater Butter Flavored Microwave Popcorn), will be considered illegal substances.

2004-11-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

...AND TOASTERS FOR ALL
by Jeff Kammann

Everyone is party crazy nowadays! What with engagements, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, christenings, confirmations, housewarmings, holidays, Flag Days--you're constantly scrambling to find a gift! My solution: buy 50 identical cheap toasters on sale at your local megamart, or get them wholesale if you can. Wrap all of them in the same nondescript bland off-white paper, attach a blank card to the top with the writing inside: "Congratulations!" and sign your name. Store these in your closet, and just grab one on your way out the door to said party. OPTIONAL: If you're feeling crazy, you can even write the name of the recipient of the gift on the attached card envelope. But don't go nuts; the invite only requires you to show up, not jump through any flaming fucking hoops.

Now, the recipient might something like, "Thanks . . . I guess", "I already have a toaster", or "The kid is only 3 months old!" But just use the foolproof response, "Everyone loves toast!" You can't argue with that! Meanwhile, behind your back, people might say, "I think I got the same toaster last year for my Super Bowl party", or "I have three of those already from my first two weddings." But hey, they threw this stupid party, these things happen; they'll have to go to the store and exchange it for something they actually want. But at least you weren't a complete low-life and didn't bring a gift at all, which some increasingly consider the worse offense known to mankind.

Problem solved! That's what I'm here for!

2004-11-19T20:29:00.000-05:00

With all of the nonsense reality, renovation, and republican shows on cable TV, I've found that the most fascinating thing to watch are the local commercials. It's not only the bad video quality and the horrible sound, it's the content that truly shines through. Let me share with you a few of my favorites and my observations:

Huffman-Koos. This old-school furniture store is closing its doors forever, thanks to the evil IKEA empire and its ilk. So naturally, EVERYTHING MUST GO! FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE! WE'RE CLOSING OUR DOORS! However, if you read the fine print during the commercial, it says something like "Inventory Has Been Added To Supplement This Sale". Okay, so they're clearing everything out . . . while continuing to deliver new furniture? What? Why? What don't you understand about the word "clearance"?

West Nyack Saturn. This is a simple spot featuring "actual" interviews of "actual" customers who have had positive experiences at this dealership. And by the looks of it, there are no actors here, which is fine. But the last guy says, "I went here and found a great used Mercedes that I wouldn't have found anywhere else." Maybe I missed something, but exactly how does that get me to buy a Saturn? Do they really want people to show up to their dealership and say, "Don't you have anything else but these damn Saturns?"

Dan Buckey Ford. This local yokel implores you to "Buy American", which is a swell jingoistic idea--if it was 1956. But it's not so easy to do this anymore in this global economy, especially with cars, where you can't even keep track of where the parts are made and assembled. But the closing disclaimer by ol' Dan himself just baffles the Hell out of me, and I'll give a shiny new donkey to whoever can explain it:

"At Dan Buckey Ford, we are not flag wavers, but we are extremely patriotic."

What the flying Focus does that mean? Is that like saying, "We do not inhale, but we are huge pot smokers" (to paraphrase Bill Clinton)? Or is it more like, "We are not gay, but we can appreciate a sexy guy when we see one"? And what does that have to do with selling cars? Because I ain't buying no F-350 pickup from no flag wavin' queer!

2004-11-18T05:05:00.000-05:00

YOU CAN KEEP JESUSLAND
by Kris Salo

Holy hell! This uproar about ABC showing a naked woman jump into Terrell Owens arms is just insane, no? I didn't see the skit, being that I have the obvious disadvantage of being 2000 miles away from the nearest ABC broadcast...But from what I have heard it sounds tame enough. I am sure no t!t was shown...And no Sunny Triangle either...What is the problem.

The other night on regular broadcast TV here (France 2) about equal to CBS. They showed the infamous Sharon Stone leg crossing scene from Basic Instinct about 20 times in a row...Ok, I exaggerate...It was probably 5 times...But still, right there on normal broadcast TV, probably at about 9 or 9:30 pm. No one is getting all wrinkled up about it...And I'm sure that there were kids watching this...We can debate up and down the problems with the French, but I don't think they are any more immoral than your average american...

And I'm sorry Tony Dungy, but shut the f--k up. "Play the race card...play it....PLAY IT!!" If it had been a white girl jumping into a white guys arms, well we aren't taking into account the fact that there are colored people. Black on Black...all blacks do are play sports and f--k. White man, black woman...White man is taking advantage of the obviously underprivledged colored woman. Hispanics, same problem as above.

I am actually outraged that this stereotypes men as sex-crazed fiends...oh wait...Nevermind, my outrage is gone.

This island that we're going to have...I'm not saying that we have to have 24/7 porn (i'm not saying that we don't either)...But let me tell you something. The TV is going to show life how it is...Shiny happy people holding hands.

I, for one, advocate the return of the subversive committees...Instead of seeking out reds this time, we're going to seek out all those who try to ruin the American way of life by putting words like sh!t on TV and showing non-frontal nudity after 9pm.

That's right, vote Line one SALO for US Senate in 2008...Wait, what's the minimum age for Senate...Ok scatch that, Salo line one for US House of Reps 2006. Someone's got to change this system, and those fat cats in Washington aren't doing sh...squat!!

2004-10-18T17:03:00.000-04:00

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE FRENCH?!!
By Kris Salo
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 20:47:10 +0200

So I have a cold...So I go to the store, thinking i'll get some nice soup, heat it up and wallow in my own self-pity (Julie's in Estonia)...

So I get to Carrefour...1st they have like 4 types of soup, in plastic bags...No cans...No cambells, no nothing...I settle for Potato and Bacon, figuring, this should be good! Holy sh!t it is terrible...I paid something obscene like 3 euros for it and it tastes like someone sh!t in the bag...I swear, I think they put like zucchini and leek mash in it...god it is terrible...It left the worst taste imaginable in my mouth...and this was the best that there was!

I just wanted salted broth with reconstituted chicken pieces and a few pieces of pasta...Can I get that, please? G!dd@mnit, I hate this freaking country sometimes...

Since I'm on a rant here, apparently you can't get a dental "checkup" you go to the dentist when you have pain and he/she tells you if you need a check up...yeah, I have 10 cavities because I haven't had pain yet...The French consume the highest per capita drugs in the world, and they also pay some of the lowest rates in the world...Why do the Americans think it costs 40,000 bucks a month for cancer treatment? Because we are subsidizing the f-ing French intake of the same drug at 10 euros a month...

I have to purchase an authentic German dancer and move someplace safe like DesMoines (and that is Day-Moy-ins, not duh, moi-n), Iowa...

Did I ever mention this before, the [possible] next president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, is one of the most liberal (classical sense) candidates for many years in France...And a few months ago he reaffirmed his believe that stores should be closed on Sunday to "protect the family." You would protect the f-ing family much more if the French could go shopping on Saturday and Sunday as opposed to have to go after work on Weds. night with the rest of the f-ing country and wait in line for 20 f-ing minutes then go home and cook for the family...F--king French

Hey, do you think the censors at Hoffman-LaRoche are going to let this in - at least you work for a Swiss company and not Aventis-Sanofi (don't let me get started on that beauty of protectionism that was brilliantly manipulated by the aforementioned Monsieur Sarkozy)...I'll give you a national theory you can CHAMPION - Free f-cking Market, you d!ck...

Ok, I think I got that out of my system, maybe I can make it a while longer here...

I'm Kris Salo and I approve this message (don't get me started on the US, either)...Second thought, I think I'll move to some country that is so corrupt that will a couple dollars a month you can support your very own governmental minister...

2004-08-24T01:12:00.000-04:00

I don't know what this says about me . . .

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

2004-08-17T22:05:00.000-04:00

Those Wacky Yahoo Headlines!
from August 17, 2004

So you think Leno invented this comedy staple? Please. He merely found a way to turn it into a meal ticket, which is a different kind of genius. But anyway, here's a new comedy feature that may never be repeated: Those Wacky Yahoo Headlines! I love how they try to succinctly sum up an entire article in 7 words or less. They usually fail . . .

Study: Global Warming Could Affect Calif.

Excellent point! If this "warming" is truly "global", there's a good chance that California, as well as other states, MIGHT be affected. Wait, tell me again how much we paid for this study?

Ky. Professor Looks to Set Up Telescope

BREAKING NEWS! Md. Woman Looks to Set Up TiVo!

U.S. Men's Gymnasts Thrilled to Win Silver

No they're not. Trust me. "We've gone through 4 years or more of rigorous training, and it's all paid off! We came in second! Takin' home the sterling, baby! WOO HOO!!! Besides, most of us are allergic to gold, we get these weird skin rashes."

"So you just won silver! What are you going to do now?"
"We're going to the Disney Store!"

First Baseman Mientkiewicz Plays Second

Seriously, if this is news, the New York Mets have been making news like this all year:

Shortstop Reyes Plays Second
Second Baseman Wiggington Plays Third
Shortstop Matsui Plays Shortstop . . . Poorly

AP: Israel Cave Linked to John the Baptist

Quickly, Robin, to the Baptist Cave!

2004-06-03T10:22:00.000-04:00

MESS NETWORK

They're doing it to me again, getting my hopes up, just so they can be crushed.

The Mets are at .500 again, completing a 3 game sweep of the Phillies last night at the new Citizen Spank Park. The shocker: they did it thanks to aging hipster Todd Zeile. Obviously, if you rely on a 38 year old to carry your team, well, that's not going to last. Hey, I'm happy for them, but it's cautious optimism at best. Give me a call in late July, after they play the Yankees a few times. And remember, they just got swept by the Marlins last weekend, so now this just makes everything even.

Jason Mastaitis of the great Always Amazin' Mets Blog puts it best:

As for the Mets themselves, I really don't know what to make of this team. I'm thrilled that they won and again inched closer to first but I'm starting to get a bit wary of them. They're like that cute girl in the bar, you know the one, that will flirt with you all evening, get your hopes up a bit, then disappear. You never have any expectations going in but she strings you along just enough to get you a little bit excited -- and then she suddenly leaves. That's what I feel like right now, I'm thrilled every time they win, every time they get close, but then they seem to invariably let me down. They tease you a bit with a few wins, get you excited by getting over .500, then drop you hard with a three game sweep (the sweep by the Marlins was their third sweep this season). Of course, it all doesn't really matter because you go home, sleep it off, and flirt with someone else the next day. *sigh*

However, the most disturbing news is that they want to create their own network, a horrible trend started by none other than the Yankees and their YES Network. Damn you, Steinbrenner! Anyway, here's some possible names, starting with the obvious:

MESS: Mets Entertainment and Sports Station
MOB: Mets Official Baseball Network
MetNet: Mets Network.
MOOKIE: Mets Outlet for Officially Kreating Information & Entertainment

Okay, that last one was a stretch.

2004-06-03T10:10:00.000-04:00

MY FAVORITE NEW COMEDY SITE

Of course, after Oprah's site, which is unintentionally funny, this site is a blast. I first got hooked on "Something Awful" when I stumbled upon "Your Band Sucks". It's amazing how much funny stuff they post on this: "Comedy Goldmine", "Photoshop Phriday", and the movie and video game reviews. Priceless stuff.

Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid.

2004-05-28T07:01:00.000-04:00

WHAT'S MY BEEF TODAY?

That's another thing. It's a STATE LAW that you can't talk on the phone while driving in New York, but it's perfectly fine to simultaneously drink your Starbucks latte, eat a Slim Fast bar, fix your hair in the rear view mirror, write out a check, tend to the kids in the back seat, stare at the GPS display, hold a rat-sized dog on your lap, and change all 6 CDs, while driving the incorrect way through a parking lot with angled spaces and arrow-shaped markings that clearly indicate which way you should be driving. Brilliant!

I actually had someone glare at ME yesterday after I had to swerve out of the way of his car, which was going the wrong way in the parking lot, as I pointed and mouthed "wrong way" to try to illustrate how he was in error. So I'm the bad guy for pointing out his ignorance. Amazing. Well, it might have been the finger that I pointed with that he took offense to . . .

Karl had an idea for "The Shave-Phone™":

I think the shave-phone is the next thing I'll buy. "But officer... I was shaving. I don't care what you thought you saw."

The dual-purpose vibrate function gives you a closer shave, while indicating that you have an incoming call!

And is there any technical term worse than "Bluetooth"? It makes it sound like you have a nasty dental problem that needs immediate attention.

Rob said he didn't watch the entire movie, but I just wanted to point out that the ending of that new Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch "Planet of the Apes" movie defies all logic. It's almost as if Tim Burton didn't even understand the ending of the original one, so he thought there was nothing wrong with his completely incongruous and implausible ending. I watched that thinking, "WTF? But why was--? How could they--? Did the apes travel back in time with Marty McFly?" Ponderous, f***ing ponderous.

And what is with those off-white colored uniforms that the San Diego Padres are wearing? Is that ecru or eggshell? Actually, it looks like our old cream colored 1972 Dodge Dart with the blue vinyl seats. Hideous.

Remember Jay Leno's "What's my beef?" back when he and David Letterman were funny? Does anybody remember laughter?

Check out Bill Simmons' column for some great non sequitur writing (with some sports thrown in there):
Bill Simmons: Another edition of the Ramblings.

·Only the NHL would decide one day, "Hey, let's switch it around, we'll have the home teams wear dark uniforms. This won't be confusing at all."
·Part of me can't wait for "The Sopranos" to wrap up, just so the kid who plays A.J. Soprano can finally go off the deep end and become the next Adam Rich.
·Speaking of TV series, it's been 10 years ... why hasn't "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" been spun off into his own series yet? Would anyone have been against this? Has there ever been a character with more potential who received less screen time, with the possible exception of coach Fenstock? Even the title of the show would have been cool: "The Wolf." I don't get it.
·Was Jesse Palmer just sitting around thinking, "What's the most drastic thing I could do that will make it pretty much impossible for people to take me seriously as a QB for the rest of eternity? How can I throw away my entire career in one fell swoop? There's must be something I can do. Hey ... wait a second ..."
·When the NHL lockout happens this summer, shouldn't we cryogenically freeze Barry Melrose like the British did with Austin Powers?

2004-05-28T06:59:00.000-04:00

ADVERTEASING/FIGHT THE M3POWER™

I'm thankful for advertising every day. If it wasn't for ads, I wouldn't know what to buy, or have anything to complain about. I like it when they qualify these car sales claims with "The best selling mid-size luxury SUV in its class!". Well, your car is the ONLY mid-size luxury SUV on the market! And then they go one step further to say it's in a class by itself.

Isn't it false advertising to call your team the "White Sox", when they clearly wear black socks? "Take a look in my binoculars, dear! This is clearly NOT the team I paid good money to see! Come on, we're leaving, and I'm demanding a refund!"

They should start marketing XTREME cigarettes. CAMEL XTREME CANCER RISK UNFILTERED MENTHOL LIGHTS!

By the way, I'm pleased to announce that Gillette is no longer standing with their c**ks in their hands selling three blades and a strip. They now have a battery operated razor! Introducing the M3Power™ with Micro-Power™ and PowerGlide™ blades! I like how they name their shaving "technology"; some are hyphenated, while others clearly deserve InterCapitalization. Being a person that shaves, I had to find out more about this "technology"!

According to the website, "a motor sends micro-pulses to the blades [which] raise[s] hair up and away from skin so you can shave closer". Oooo, "micro-pulses" (another hyphen)! So that means the whole thing vibrates. Great. And not only do I have to constantly buy expensive new razor cartridges, I also have to replace the battery! Super. I wonder, how many "micro-meters" thin are the new PowerGlide™ blades? Well, that nebulous, vague description of what these incredibly sharp razor blades are really doing to my face sure does satisfy me, so there was no need for them to explain any further. But as if they were Mind-Readers™, Gillette anticipated the next burning question I had:

How do I use M3Power™?
Press the button to turn on M3Power™. Shave normally. Press the button again to turn it off.

Wow, I would NEVER have thought of that! But here's my favorite part of the website:

Here's what men who have tried it have to say about their shaving experience:
"The micro-pulses seemed to make the shave closer."
(But what the hell do I know? That's what it said on the box.)

"After trying the razor for the first time, I really liked how it felt. I knew it was safe to use."
(Well, honestly, I don't know for sure if it's safe, it was just a hunch. But it didn't remove the top layer of skin, and I didn't get a shock, so it MUST be safe. Right?)

I wish these websites would be up front and say, "Here's what our team of marketing guys and lawyers came up to convince you to spend $15 on this thing."

A planet where apes evolved from man? If they only had Gillette razors, you wouldn't be able to tell who was who! Get your hands off of my M3Power™, you damn dirty ape!

-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2004 9:48 AM

Speaking of scratching off your skin, I watched "Planet of the Apes" the other night. If not for Estella Warren there would not be a single watchable moment in this film. But how did she always have lipstick on? Too bad they didn't stick to the original and not allow the humans to talk. Even the apes thought her acting technique needed to evolve for another million years or so. In the immortal words of Jay Sherman, "If the movie stinks, just don't go. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic".

"Vertullo, Robert G
05/27/2004 08:45 AM

Is it happy hour yet? Ughhhhh.

We really should be thankful for advertising. It gives so much opportunity for showcasing the insidious evil of corporate America and the mindless apathy of the average American. Today's topic: The hottest selling. We've all heard the ads. "The Ford Vapid is the hottest selling car in the Tri-State area!!!" Never mind that the "Tri-State area is rather ill defined and amorphous. The real question is, on what scale are they measuring the hotness of car sales? Kelvin? The Florentine Thermoscope? Is this any reason to buy a car? Because it's the hottest selling? I wonder what other immeasurable quantities advertisers can use to promote sales. "Chevy trucks are the smoothest selling trucks in the few blocks around where my grandmother lives" "Sales of the Mazda Minutia are totally shiny this month!" Jeff, go to a car dealer and tell them you want to know what the tallest selling vehicle on the lot is. Then be like, "no, I'm not talking about headroom, I want the tallest SELLING car. Jeez, you people just don't get it"

Oh by the way, there's volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge. Does this need to be in every traffic report? Just have that as the default, and in the unlikely event that there isn't volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge, you can tell us.

Lots of upsets at the French Open. Hey, do you really want to win in a country that gives awards and accolades to Michael Moore? I heard most of the players, in a tribute to the French military, are simply giving up after the first game.

A French construction company is speculating that the airport collapse was probably caused by construction errors. For example, the hiring of a French construction company. Also cited was the 45 minute work day construction workers demanded, and the fact that a good portion of the "concrete" used was actually just day old baguettes. Construction foreman Jean Phillipe Gaston de Rue Marquis Versailles said, "Perhaps eef we ad some jugglers on ze site, we do a better job, eh?"

2004-04-27T13:01:00.000-04:00

2004 NFL DRAFT MUSINGS

GIANTS GET ELI MANNING

-----Original Message-----
From: Kammann, Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:35 AM

Eh. Who knows? THEY sure think he's going to be great, giving away all those picks and Rivers for him. So let's see how he does with no offensive line! My problem is that he's a little whiner already, so I can't wait to see how he handles New York and its world famous media. Here's the thing: if they had kept Rivers or gotten Ryanleaflisberger instead, no one would expect anything, and any success would be gravy. But because they have a Manning now, if they don't go to the playoffs, he's a failure. It's just the way it is, but it's a lot of pressure to put on a kid who's barely old enough to drink. And I didn't think Kerry Collins was their biggest problem.

-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:42 AM

Eli wants to play in NY and not San Diego? Did anyone tell Eli about a little thing we have here in New York called winter? That's when most of the important games will be played. Has he thrown a ball into a 40mph wind on a -5 degree day? The Giants could have traded with San Diego before the draft, gotten Gallery, San Diego gets Rivers with the 4th pick, everyone is happy. The Giants haven't had a good draft since the 12th of never. They just don't know how it works.

*************************************************

Bill Simmons (ESPN Page 2 Sports Guy) quote:

(By the way, could somebody break the news to Eli that there isn't a better place to live in America than San Diego? Does he know this? Who cares about wins and losses? San Diego has seals! And hot chicks! And 80-degree weather! Somebody remind Eli of this stuff when he's shoveling snow in front of his condo in Hoboken next November.)

2004-04-27T11:49:00.000-04:00

SURFSTOPPERS

Kris' Surfstoppers:
Sat 4/24/2004 4:40 AM

I have to say, MTV, MTV2, and MTV9432. This almost falls under porn, but also under the whole cops, "will this guy die" feeling. Usually this exists for music videos ("Holy Sh!t I think I just saw nipple") and shows like Jackass ("How long can he sit in this shopping cart before he falls and the friction from the asphalt stops him dead in his tracks")

Other's (this is non-inclusive list because I just woke up and it's all I can think of now)
- FOX News (I feel so dirty for watching, but I can't always change the channel)
- Infomercials ("No, I can't believe that this one machine can do all of THAT")
- This morning show on the channel M6 here, it's called something like "Everyone gets to talk" or something like that...It's basically 5 thirty year olds that act like they're 15 - it's terrible, but for some reason if I am watching TV at 8:30 in the morning, I can't not watch it for a few minutes.
- Most any Clint Eastwood movie on Basic Cable or Broadcast (there's never any of the good ones, it's always movies like "The Gauntlet" or the one with the monkey where Clint (or the monkey) is a boxer or one of the Dirty Harry movies).

That's it for now, I am sure I will think of more as the day progresses.

*******************************************************
Rob's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 8:44 AM

Unfortunately, sandwitched between some of my favorite channels, Food Network at 231, Fine Living at 232, FX at 247, and Comedy Central at 249, is E! at 236. For some reason I cannot surf past the show where camera wielding psychos chase around 2nd rate actors and actresses. I don't even know the name of it. But I can't think of anything funnier than fat bald guys scrambling like Marines to get a photo of Shannen Doherty getting in/out of a car. Or a half drunk Paris Hilton stumbling around on the sidewalk, or Vince Vaughn spitting on someone. After a few minutes of this, I have to bathe in boiling lysol and gargle with lye, but it gets me every time.

*******************************************************
Kris' additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:10 AM

Oh, yeah, How could I forget the E! channel...I'm with Rob on that...Whether it's 13 yr olds wearing nothing but a beer soaked bikini or the aforementioned B-movie actor search, when I'm surfing I can't
miss that channel...

MTV here or maybe it's MTV2 or MTV videos, I don't really know...Anyway, they have this show called Wildboys with one of the Jackasses...It's like a travel show but with a "Jackass attitude" and it's just retarded...This hairy overweigh man and one of the jackasses swam naked with Great White Sharks on the last show I saw (actually the only show)...Unfortunately this show had the distinct advantage of being one of the only programs in english, so I ended up watching it for ~15 minutes and then went looking for refuge in the French History channel...

*******************************************************
Rob's additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:33 AM

Oh, you know what else? Every time I see either "Goodfellas" or "Casino" on USA, I have to watch a few minutes. I love the way they cover up the expetives. "Forget you!! No! Forget YOU!!!" Goodfellas was a great movie, but I've seen it enough now that it doesn't have any impact anymore. Casino was never really that great. But they are solid time wasters while you are waiting for The Daily Show to begin. "A Bronx Tale" is almost in this category, but it really isn't on that often.

*******************************************************
Karl's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:55 AM

-Any "Forum" show that I accidentally stop on and watch people fighting on.
-Access Hollywood. I explain to Shawna that our tv might be hooked up to a Nielson box and we should not give them ratings.
-Old Seinfelds.
-Cartoon Network, just to see how removed I am from cartoons as a kid.
-MASH, just because.

*******************************************************
My additions:
Monday, April 26, 2004 12:31 PM

Can the Nielsen company hook up your TV to a ratings box without your knowledge of it, like the KGB? Yeah, I stumbled across that paparazzi show on E! recently, I think it's called "Celebrities Uncensored". Hey, it shoots low and it hits. I mean, the plot of this show doesn't get any deeper than "Here's Britney Spears tripping over a curb and showing her butt crack", and people watch it.

The best thing about my current (antiquated) TV viewing set up is that if I don't ever want to watch a particular channel, I just delete it from my channel set up on my VCR/TV--bam, it's gone! So the numbers have been crunched, and I regret to inform you that Telemundo, QVC, Lifetime, Home Shopping Network, Women's Entertainment, Hallmark, Soap Opera Channel, Univision, Shop NBC, PAX, CSPAN (all of them) and E! did not make the cut. Why can't all cable/satellite boxes be like that? I know you can program "favorites" into DirecTV, but why can't you say, "These are the channels I never want to ever stumble upon ever again." Well, maybe you can do that under "parental controls", I'm not sure.

Anyway, I did a lot of surfing yesterday, and since golf was rained out, the NBA and arena football suck, and baseball and hockey no longer hold my interest, I'll have to add a few things to the Surfstopper list:

"Iron Chef". Makes the list only because it's so inherently dumb (the slo-mo instant replays of a sous chef using a blender comes to mind), and the dubbing of Japanese actors is fantastic, that it stops me for a while. The new "Iron Chef America" is a huge letdown, largely because I miss the dubbing. BTW, they couldn't find anyone more prominent to "judge" this "competition" than the actors who play J. Peterman on "Seinfeld", and Gunther from "Friends"? It's like having Paula Abdul tell you whether or not you can sing--oh, never mind! I guess they're going for irony. But really, the whole show is pointless unless you have a bunch of sea urchins and don't know how to prepare them.

"Mythbusters". Doesn't really fit my definition, because it's semi-educational and I don't feel horrible after watching it. By the way, you get wetter when you run in the pouring rain vs. just walking in it. Yes, it's been proven.