TRAILERS FROM HELL

There are some horrible movies coming out this year--this is not a shocker. But what's shocking is these awful trailers, which are theoretically supposed to contain some GOOD PARTS of the movie that would make me WANT to go see it, yet they fail in every conceivable way. I chose the ones that make me shudder in fear, while simultaneously weeping for the future, the most. I can't really choose a winner; it's like choosing your favorite terminal disease. (I only linked to the trailers and didn't embed them; I was afraid the blog would never come clean afterwards.)

The Hills Have Eyes 2
They have eyes to . . . what? To see you with? Oh, so these hills also have eyes? Good to know, next time I'm in the desert. Seriously, what is this Wes Craven endorsed crapfest? And who chose the O Brother, Where Art Thou song that plays halfway through?

Delta Farce
Sweet Jebus, who greenlights this miserable shit? Instead of making aggressively unfunny comedies, can't someone figure out a real-life situation that actually sends Larry the Cable Guy to Iraq? Rednecks, gay jokes, Mexican jokes--are there any other stereotypes we can lazily cram into this steaming pile of fucktardation? I'm secretly hoping they all get killed out in the desert by those hills who also happen to have eyes. Fast Track

Fast Track The Ex
This one is more disappointing than anything else, since I like Zach Braff and Jason Bateman (the latter's comic timing on Arrested Development was outstanding) and I even like Amanda Peet. So why does this trailer make me hate everything? Huh, the YouTube commenters who like this are all between 14-18, it seems. Fabulous. This movie has already been renamed and its release date moved around several times, and that can't be good.

Lucky You
Drew Barrymore tackles the no-longer trendy world of high stakes poker, with some guy who looks like the 21st century answer to Andrew McCarthy that I sort of recognize and . . . Robert Duvall? Good god, this is looks bad. Do people really talk to each other in cliches like this? ("What goes around comes around", "It's dangerous to be around you.") And is anyone else bothered by Drew's "hit in the face with a frying pan" profile? Or is it only me? They obviously never heard the saying: "What happens in Vegas should never be filmed and shown to audiences outside Vegas."

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
It's the ultimate wedding crasher! Ugh. I hate all these movies that take place in New York City and end up destroying everything: X-Men, Spiderman, Heroes--I'm sick of it! Go fuck with St. Louis or Atlanta instead, you bunch of dumb superassholes.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Here it is, the coup de garbage: an Adam Sandler movie! And it's about a gay couple who aren't really gay! And it co-stars the insufferable fat guy from King of Queens! I don't know where to start with this, so let's just say that's Rob Schneider impersonating a Chinese guy at the beginning and leave it at that. This is the last time I'm going to say it: Adam Sandler, please fuck off forever.

Coming soon: John Rambo: Pearl of the Cobra, Live Free or Die Hard, and that Robin Williams movie where he plays a wacky reverend! Thanks Hollywood!

THURSDAY TIMEKILLER™: THINGS YOU ALWAYS KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO

It's been a long time between new posts here at the Eye-Opener, but it was worth the wait.

Started by Karl, this one is inspired by the not-at-all-helpful e-mail, THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO. Rob, Jeff, Shawna and brash, sassy newcomer Nicole joined in.

So kill some time with us by reading "THINGS YOU ALWAYS KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO".
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1. Have a Mexican -or Asian- bring you an authentic Italian pizza and a coke. (kw)

2. Take pictures of Guinness pints. (kw)

3. Provide reasonable doubt as to your whereabouts the evening the young intern disappeared (rv)

4. Make painstakingly produced multichannel music sound like it was recorded on gramophone in a public storage facility. (rv)

5. Remove $67.05 from my checking account each month in exchange for not having to walk all the way across the living room to my land line. (rv)

6. Not actually "ring", yet helpfully inform me that I "missed" a call. (jk)

7. Drop the call just when she's getting to "the good part". (jk)

8. Go directly to voicemail so your wife cannot find you when you are having beers with friends or moving fish tanks. (sw)

9. Cell phone text messages can actually let your boss know you're out sick, without having to sound sick which no one does well, and you can send them while you're hunting!! (kw)

10. Rob, you don't even need to get up and go across the room to check your answering machine, you can call it from your cell phone. (kw)

11. You can call Jeff and tell him to bring beer. (kw)

12. Make everyone within earshot drool with envy when they hear your rare Men Without Hats ringtone. (jk)

13. Be universally referred to as a "camera phone", despite not being able to perform either function adequately. (jk)

14. Come in contact with water and cease to be called anything except paperweight. (rv)

15. The vibrate function of the phone allows you to all use it to 'massage' yourself. (nm)

16. Spark the Divinyl's renaissance with "I call myself, I want you to call me". (kw)

17. Travel forward in time then bring back the technology that allows cell phones to work. (rv)

18. Instead of calling someone directly and using 1 minute of airtime to say "I'm running late", you can waste 4 minutes awkwardly typing the same message into a tiny keypad and sending it as text (for an additional fee for both of you). (jk)

19. Makes true "toll-free numbers" a thing of the past. (jk)

20. Keep you up to date on 'currant' affairs. (kw)

21. Allows you to tell people you were using your Bluetooth enabled phone when in fact you were just walking around talking out loud to nobody like the lunatic that you are. (rv)

22. Allows you to use the speakerphone to let everyone in your presence know what you are talking about. And then talk louder to the people you can't hear instead of turning up the volume or putting the damn phone to your ear. (nm)

23. Really caters to drunk dialers . . . (kw)

25. Enables you to miss/skip 24. (you can watch it later on Vcast). (kw)

26. If you press the keys 5-8-0-0-8 and hold the phone upside down it looks like BOOBS. (rv)

THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR US SAY IN 2007

Rob actually started this with the statement, "I was watching the OXYGEN network the other day . . . " as an example, so I sent it around and got some pretty damn funny responses:
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"Man, I can't get enough of those 'reality TV' shows." (jk)

"Now that I have a big HDTV with a DVR, I think I could live without it." (kw)

"Chicks dig me because I'm a great dancer." (kw)

"I'm on a health kick." (kw)

"Nah, I think I'll just have a Corona with grenadine syrup in it." (jk)

"I was listening to NASCAR on the radio the other day . . . " (Or any sentence with "NASCAR" in it.) (jk)

"Chicks dig me." (jk)

"Getting a psychic reading would be an excellent way to spend time and money!" (rv)

"Can anyone recommend a charity to donate to?" (tb)

"I'm tired of eating steak." (tb)

"I do." (tb)

"I knew I should have bought a HUMMER." (jk)

"I'm tired of constantly shooting under par." (jk)

"I have so much money, I don't know what to do with it." (ks)

"Do you want fries with that?" (I hope) (ks)

"Great idea, Mr President!" (rv)

"I’d like a years subscription to the NY Post." (rv)

"My customer focus could use some improvement." (rv)

"Fill up, 93 octane." (rv)

"I’d love to spot you on the bench press." (rv)

"I'm moving to France because of the job opportunities there." (kw)

"Put Elmo On." (kw)

"Sure, I'll get your cat out of that tree." (kw)

"C'mon!!! I'm buying!!" (kw)

"I can't decide between Applebee's, T.G.I. Firday's or Chili's--they all feature excellent cuisine!" (jk)

"That club music can't be loud enough for me! Why can't all bars play this stuff?" (jk)

"I'm really interested in what Paris Hilton is up to." (jk)

"My Mets Season Tickets." (kw)

"Snail Mail." (kw)

"I'm so happy with my job right now." (kw)

WHY TAKE DIET PILLS WHEN YOU CAN ENJOY AYDS?

The unintentional humor of this ad is off the chart.



AYDS was an OTC appetite suppressant "candy" popular in the 1970s. Of course, sales dropped off significantly in the 80s because of the unfortunate name. Personally, I think they should have sued the creators of AIDS for copyright infringement.

THANK GOODNESS FOR AYDS!
(TRY NEW PEANUT BUTTER AYDS!)