NFL Names: The Good, The Bad and the Sissy

A name can mean a lot, and in the case of sports, it can make the difference between winning and losing. If you have a classic sounding name, you can go a long way. It's no mistake that Boomer Esiason never won anything, while Joe Montana gathered several rings in his NFL career. Marcus Allen has won championships, while Marty Fish has yet to land one. It's all in the name.

So let's take a look at some rules for NFL player names:

1. All names must pass the "John Facienda" test. Say the name in the classy baritone voice of former NFL Films narrator, like "Bronco Nagurski": if it sounds good, it passes.
2. First names that are too unusual have to go, and will be replaced by something more common. For instance, "De'Wayne" is not acceptable, so he can be "Wayne". All players named "Donte'" will simply be known as "Don", "La'Roi" will be called "Larry", and "Na'il" will be renamed "Neil". Naturally, Antwaan Randel El is now "Tony Randall".
3. Several players have potential, possessing good first names but bad last names, and vice versa, but are placed "on the fence" until one or both names is changed.

Without further ado, here is a sampling of current NFL player names.

The Good:
Kendrick Clancy
Alge Crumpler
Jerome Bettis
London Fletcher
Anquan Bolden
Takeo Spikes
Ty Law
Champ Bailey
Jeremy Shockey
Tedy Bruschi
Marcus Spears
Brian Urlacher
Osi Umenyiora

The Bad:
Chad Pennington
Corey Bradford
Julius Peppers
Drew Brees
Sage Rosenfels
Major Applewhite
Chad Clifton
A.J. Feeley
Jay Feely
Josh Scobee
Joey Harrington

The Sissy:
Ashley Lelie
Randall Gay

On The Fence:
Tiki Barber
Quentin Jammer
Brock Marion
Chad Slaughter
Sebastian Janikowski

That Can't Be Your Real Name:
Jeff Smoker
Pig Prather
Pacman Jones
Richie Incognito