BURNING QUESTION: How many female Indy driver jokes can we come up with in one day?

by Jeff Kammann, Rob Vertullo, Tom Bookless, Kris Salo


I heard Danica trained for the Indy 500 by circling around the mall parking lot for hours trying to get the closest space. (jk)

I heard she would have won, but pulled over to ask for directions on lap 190. (rv)

I heard the other drivers got out of her way, thought she was on her cell phone. (tb)

The other drivers were confused because she had her right turn blinker on the entire race. (rv)

She would have won it if she didn't decide to apply her makeup in the rearview mirror during the final few laps. (jk)

Apparently, some of the other drivers complained because she cried her way out of a black flag. (ks)

She would have won if she didn't have to drop off the kids for soccer practice. (jk)

She would have won if not for the tactical error of getting a manicure during a pit stop. (jk)

Critical error, stopping on lap 128 to put on different colored flame-retardant jumpsuit, then having to find matching shoes. (rv)

Couldn't resist stopping for Memorial Day Sale at Bloomingdale's. (jk)

Left her purse on the roof of the car at the start, and had to go back to get it. (tb)

Too busy looking for her husband's credit card to pay for her gas. (tb)

Car was a bit sluggish since last tune-up was 87,000 miles ago. (rv)

Biggest obstacle to overcome: helmet hair. (jk)

Refused to wear white jumpsuit, thought it made her look too fat. (jk)

"Checkered" flag no longer in style, according to newest issue of Vogue magazine. (jk)

She ran out of gas because she missed the exit. (jk)

She rode her brakes for the entire race, affecting her speed just enough to lose. (ks)

She stopped abruptly and turned around because she "thought she ran over a woodchuck". (jk)

Uses a secret fuel additive to boost speed: nail polish remover. (jk)



ADDENDUM: Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons of ESPN2 fame made a good joke in his "mailbag" article about female drivers as well (he must have been reading this blog):


Q: Did you injure anything jumping on Danica Patrick's bandwagon this weekend?
– Jerry T., Roanoke, Va.


SG: I wrenched my neck a little but that was about it. Actually, my dad and stepmom were in town this weekend, and since my stepmom is a raging feminist, every time they showed the inside of Patrick's car, I muted the volume on the TV and pretended I was Patrick talking to her pit crew: "Look, I told you, I'm going as fast as I can! I can't drive when you're talking to me!!! Stop telling me how to drive!!! I'm going to pull over and get out right now, I swear to God!" That was more fun than the actual race.



(Come on, somebody has to make these jokes.)

LIVING OFF THE FAT OF THE LAND

I don't know which makes me sicker: this story about Burger King's CEO making oodles of money selling horrible food he doesn't even eat, or the actual BK food itself. I've seen the words "Enormous Omelette Sandwich" on a BK sign, and I knew it couldn't be good. It turns out it's a 760 calorie, 50 grams of fat monstrosity of a breakfast sandwich consisting of "two slices of melted American cheese, two fluffy eggs, three crispy strips of bacon, and a sizzling sausage patty, piled high on a toasted bun". Good God. The only thing missing is rich creamery butter. I pictured this jackass running up the side of a mountain, stopping to check his pulse, and looking down at the sea of humanity below him and bellowing, "So, what do my fatties crave today?"

One of my favorite quotes (it's hard to choose just one) is about their new "Red Bull-inspired" coffee: "with 40 percent more caffeine than regular", for those who "partied a little hard the night before," says Denny Post, chief concept officer." First of all, even if these guys "partied hard", they'd never touch a cup of that stuff (one of them already confessed to only drinking decaf). They go home to their mansions, after making their hard earned six-or-seven-figure salary selling garbage to bovine America, to eat their salad and tofu, washing it down with $20 bottles of mineral water. Secondly, I love the fact that they call those who are trying to get people to avoid fast food joints and eat heathlier foods "nutrition Nazis". The fucking stones on these guys, it amazes me. Wait, back up a sec: "chief concept officer"? What kind of made-up bullshit title is that?

Here's my final question: how do you cater to the 18-34 year old demographic if your food prevents them from living that long? How do you make money if you're killing the very people who pay your salary?

Acronumb: BALTUSROL

After we decided to get 2005 PGA Tournament tickets, Karl decided to make an acronym out of BALTUSROL, the golf course where it is being held. This sparked a flurry of e-mails which, as you can see, slowly turned into a comedy blizzard. Here are the results. Some of them are pretty damn funny.
______________________________________________

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 4:19 PM
Beautiful area. Love those undulating sinusoidal rollings of landscape.

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Barely anyone likes to use silly rearrangements of language

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 7:31 PM
Be alert ladies, the universal stud Rob's out looking!!!

"Kammann, Jeff"
Best are ladies that understand something: Rob's often libating.

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:57 PM
Balls all lost, tallying up scores, Rob's our lowest!

karl wagner wrote:
"Boy, alcohol lately tastes underrated" said Rob out loud!

karl wagner wrote:
"Better alcohol later than understanding sooner" -Rob's old lingo

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
Beer, ale, lager (the usual suspects), rum. Oh, liquor!

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Blue Hill, Augusta, Laurel Vally, Torry Pines, Upper Monclair, St. Andrews, Riviera, Oakmont, Llanerch

From: karl wagner
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2005 10:25 AM
By and large, there's usually some ranking official laughing.

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Bent-grass aerated lightly, turf underfoot seems rather odd lately

From: karl wagner
Boarding airplane later tonight,- unusual sky- really ominous looking!!

From: karl wagner
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2005 10:20 AM
Before Americans loved television, unkempt stupid Republicans only lost.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 10:53:53 -0400
From: "Keenan, Scott"
By all ledgers, Tiger unusually seems really off leaderboard...

From: karl wagner
Bart's atavism lately totally undermines Simpson's rules on life.

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
But at least the usual "Simpsons" returns occasional laughter.
Beats anything lame television usually shows (reality or "Lifetime").

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:25:56 -0400
From: karl wagner
"Being alert, listening, typing usual Stimulus/Responses on line"

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:44:29 -0400
From: karl wagner
Begone All Light Trucks, Ultra SUVs (Reserve Oil's lacking)

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:56:52 -0400
From: karl wagner
Bart and Lisa tackle usual situations relying on laughter.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:06:35 -0400
From: karl wagner
Bought a latte, tasted unlike Starbucks, required Oban liquor.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:16:39 -0400
From: karl wagner
"Being astute", "living terseness", -usually stuff Rob only likes.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:22:45 -0400
From: karl wagner
Baathists are likeable. Those unprepared Shiites really ought listen.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:24:45 -0400
From: "Vertullo, Robert G"
Barring a late travesty, un-soberness remains outstandingly likely.

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
Baseball appears likely tonight (unless severe rain or lightning).

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 13:00:51 -0400
From: karl wagner
By all local traditions, ubiquitous suds ruins ones liver.

GOOD OL' GOOGLE?

I'm beginning to think Google is turning into Microsoft, only with a better image. Because everyone loves Google, right? It's an innocuous search engine that everyone uses. In fact, its web site has a button on it that says "I'm Feeling Lucky!" Ha ha! Good ol' Google. How could it be bad?

Their GMail, although a little Big Brother-ish, gets generally favorable reviews. But I would beware the Google Web Accelerator. It supposedly speeds up web browsing by monitoring what web sites you visit and caching entire web sites on Google's servers. That's right, it saves entire pages that you've clicked on--the whole thing sounds creepy. More importantly, it sounds like a major invasion of privacy. This section from the News.com article about GWA is the most disturbing.

Is my privacy in jeopardy by using Web Accelerator?
It could be, depending on your comfort level. According to Google's privacy policy, the Web Accelerator retrieves and caches Web pages you've visited, and those page requests can include personal information about you. It also temporarily caches third-party cookies that can contain personal data. For example, if you've entered information such as e-mail or a physical address into a form on an unencrypted Web page, Google might pick up that data through the Web Accelerator. It also collects "clickstream" data such as URLs you've requested, the date and time of the request, as well as your Internet Protocol address and computer and connection information.

Hey, no thanks!

Additionally, this "privacy invasion accelerator (beta)" is intended only for broadband users. I have a cable modem, and it's plenty fast enough for me, but I guess there are always speed-hungry, ADHD-afflicted users who crave 1 second page loads instead of 5 second page loads. But this "accelerator" doesn't make downloading pictures, mp3s, and streaming video any faster.

Again, no. Really, no thanks.

Remember: Google is out to MAKE MONEY, just like every other company on the planet. Google isn't looking out for you, to make your web experience happier; they want more web hits, which means more ad revenue for them. So don't give away your personal info for free just because they're allegedly giving you faster web browsing for "free" (there's already an astonishing amount of searchable info about you out there). Because nothing is free, and in this case it looks like the average web surfer will be the one paying.

Sign Of The E-times?

There's an interesting trend that I'm starting to notice while hanging out in bars, even moreso now that school's out for summer (not necessarily forever). A group of barely legal patrons will walk into a bar, each of them with their respective mobile phones in tow. They order their drinks and chat a little bit, but then spend the first 10 minutes or so on the phone, either talking or texting someone, checking voicemail or e-mail, or whatever. Even though they walked into the bar with other living, breathing, human beings that they know, more often than not they initially ignore them. After they eventually finish their incredibly important mobile business, they glance around and find they are left with no one else to converse with but the friends they came with, and only then do they really start talking to them.

I don't know if it's a sign of our increasingly impersonal e-times (by younger people who can't recall life without e-mail and instant messaging), or an unconscious (or knowing) flash of their new digital camera phone as a status symbol (not a big deal anymore, since 10 year olds have them), but it's definitely weird behavior. Well, there's already no smoking allowed, and pretty soon there'll be no talking either, as entire bars will be silent except for the din of the digital jukebox and the sounds of people TXT messaging each other.