2004 NFL DRAFT MUSINGS


GIANTS GET ELI MANNING

-----Original Message-----
From: Kammann, Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:35 AM

Eh. Who knows? THEY sure think he's going to be great, giving away all those picks and Rivers for him. So let's see how he does with no offensive line! My problem is that he's a little whiner already, so I can't wait to see how he handles New York and its world famous media. Here's the thing: if they had kept Rivers or gotten Ryanleaflisberger instead, no one would expect anything, and any success would be gravy. But because they have a Manning now, if they don't go to the playoffs, he's a failure. It's just the way it is, but it's a lot of pressure to put on a kid who's barely old enough to drink. And I didn't think Kerry Collins was their biggest problem.

-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:42 AM

Eli wants to play in NY and not San Diego? Did anyone tell Eli about a little thing we have here in New York called winter? That's when most of the important games will be played. Has he thrown a ball into a 40mph wind on a -5 degree day? The Giants could have traded with San Diego before the draft, gotten Gallery, San Diego gets Rivers with the 4th pick, everyone is happy. The Giants haven't had a good draft since the 12th of never. They just don't know how it works.

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Bill Simmons (ESPN Page 2 Sports Guy) quote:

(By the way, could somebody break the news to Eli that there isn't a better place to live in America than San Diego? Does he know this? Who cares about wins and losses? San Diego has seals! And hot chicks! And 80-degree weather! Somebody remind Eli of this stuff when he's shoveling snow in front of his condo in Hoboken next November.)

SURFSTOPPERS

Kris' Surfstoppers:
Sat 4/24/2004 4:40 AM

I have to say, MTV, MTV2, and MTV9432. This almost falls under porn, but also under the whole cops, "will this guy die" feeling. Usually this exists for music videos ("Holy Sh!t I think I just saw nipple") and shows like Jackass ("How long can he sit in this shopping cart before he falls and the friction from the asphalt stops him dead in his tracks")

Other's (this is non-inclusive list because I just woke up and it's all I can think of now)
- FOX News (I feel so dirty for watching, but I can't always change the channel)
- Infomercials ("No, I can't believe that this one machine can do all of THAT")
- This morning show on the channel M6 here, it's called something like "Everyone gets to talk" or something like that...It's basically 5 thirty year olds that act like they're 15 - it's terrible, but for some reason if I am watching TV at 8:30 in the morning, I can't not watch it for a few minutes.
- Most any Clint Eastwood movie on Basic Cable or Broadcast (there's never any of the good ones, it's always movies like "The Gauntlet" or the one with the monkey where Clint (or the monkey) is a boxer or one of the Dirty Harry movies).

That's it for now, I am sure I will think of more as the day progresses.


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Rob's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 8:44 AM

Unfortunately, sandwitched between some of my favorite channels, Food Network at 231, Fine Living at 232, FX at 247, and Comedy Central at 249, is E! at 236. For some reason I cannot surf past the show where camera wielding psychos chase around 2nd rate actors and actresses. I don't even know the name of it. But I can't think of anything funnier than fat bald guys scrambling like Marines to get a photo of Shannen Doherty getting in/out of a car. Or a half drunk Paris Hilton stumbling around on the sidewalk, or Vince Vaughn spitting on someone. After a few minutes of this, I have to bathe in boiling lysol and gargle with lye, but it gets me every time.


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Kris' additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:10 AM

Oh, yeah, How could I forget the E! channel...I'm with Rob on that...Whether it's 13 yr olds wearing nothing but a beer soaked bikini or the aforementioned B-movie actor search, when I'm surfing I can't
miss that channel...

MTV here or maybe it's MTV2 or MTV videos, I don't really know...Anyway, they have this show called Wildboys with one of the Jackasses...It's like a travel show but with a "Jackass attitude" and it's just retarded...This hairy overweigh man and one of the jackasses swam naked with Great White Sharks on the last show I saw (actually the only show)...Unfortunately this show had the distinct advantage of being one of the only programs in english, so I ended up watching it for ~15 minutes and then went looking for refuge in the French History channel...


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Rob's additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:33 AM

Oh, you know what else? Every time I see either "Goodfellas" or "Casino" on USA, I have to watch a few minutes. I love the way they cover up the expetives. "Forget you!! No! Forget YOU!!!" Goodfellas was a great movie, but I've seen it enough now that it doesn't have any impact anymore. Casino was never really that great. But they are solid time wasters while you are waiting for The Daily Show to begin. "A Bronx Tale" is almost in this category, but it really isn't on that often.


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Karl's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:55 AM

-Any "Forum" show that I accidentally stop on and watch people fighting on.
-Access Hollywood. I explain to Shawna that our tv might be hooked up to a Nielson box and we should not give them ratings.
-Old Seinfelds.
-Cartoon Network, just to see how removed I am from cartoons as a kid.
-MASH, just because.


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My additions:
Monday, April 26, 2004 12:31 PM

Can the Nielsen company hook up your TV to a ratings box without your knowledge of it, like the KGB? Yeah, I stumbled across that paparazzi show on E! recently, I think it's called "Celebrities Uncensored". Hey, it shoots low and it hits. I mean, the plot of this show doesn't get any deeper than "Here's Britney Spears tripping over a curb and showing her butt crack", and people watch it.

The best thing about my current (antiquated) TV viewing set up is that if I don't ever want to watch a particular channel, I just delete it from my channel set up on my VCR/TV--bam, it's gone! So the numbers have been crunched, and I regret to inform you that Telemundo, QVC, Lifetime, Home Shopping Network, Women's Entertainment, Hallmark, Soap Opera Channel, Univision, Shop NBC, PAX, CSPAN (all of them) and E! did not make the cut. Why can't all cable/satellite boxes be like that? I know you can program "favorites" into DirecTV, but why can't you say, "These are the channels I never want to ever stumble upon ever again." Well, maybe you can do that under "parental controls", I'm not sure.

Anyway, I did a lot of surfing yesterday, and since golf was rained out, the NBA and arena football suck, and baseball and hockey no longer hold my interest, I'll have to add a few things to the Surfstopper list:

"Iron Chef". Makes the list only because it's so inherently dumb (the slo-mo instant replays of a sous chef using a blender comes to mind), and the dubbing of Japanese actors is fantastic, that it stops me for a while. The new "Iron Chef America" is a huge letdown, largely because I miss the dubbing. BTW, they couldn't find anyone more prominent to "judge" this "competition" than the actors who play J. Peterman on "Seinfeld", and Gunther from "Friends"? It's like having Paula Abdul tell you whether or not you can sing--oh, never mind! I guess they're going for irony. But really, the whole show is pointless unless you have a bunch of sea urchins and don't know how to prepare them.

"Mythbusters". Doesn't really fit my definition, because it's semi-educational and I don't feel horrible after watching it. By the way, you get wetter when you run in the pouring rain vs. just walking in it. Yes, it's been proven.

SURFSTOPPER: 2004 NFL DRAFT


I might have to add "NFL Draft" to my surfstopper list. Yeah, it's only a once a year thing, but I kept tuning in. I'm fascinated that they can televise this thing for two days straight and still find sh!t to talk about. I half expect Jerry Lewis to jump out during the 10th hour of this thing and belt out "You'll Never Walk Alone", with the Manning family in the front row looking all glassy-eyed. But really, what can anyone possibly have to say about a sixth round wide receiver from Nebraska-Omaha? Are they afraid a future Tom Brady or Terrell Davis is going to slip by them in the later rounds, and they weren't there to say something about him?

My favorite late round draft pick names:

COLBY BOCKWOLDT
JEFF SMOKER
JONATHAN SMITH (no really, what's your REAL name?)
VONTEZ DUFF

Mmmm, Vontez Duff.

Honing the comedy act @ Walsh's Pub on Friday . . .

-My name for Brian Roethlisberger: RYANLEAFLISBERGER.

-John Sterling trying to add excitement to a dreadfully boring Yankee game:
"The Yankees bunt! TH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH YANKEES BUNT!"
"Th-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh Yankees take second base due to defensive indifference!"

-Joe DiMaggio insisting that he be referred to as "The Greatest Non-Living Baseball Player".

-In other news, Rob bought the "NapMaster 5000" for his new apartment. Congratulations!

SURFSTOPPERS!


I'm trying to compile a list of "Surfstoppers". This is defined as a movie or TV program that makes you stop flipping for a while, and then once you come to your senses and switch it off, you immediately feel guilty for the time you just wasted on it. Note: "Porn" is not an acceptable answer, it has to be basic cable fare. You can't include "functional" channels like Weather Channel or the TV Guide Channel. And it can't be a show that you would normally watch, or tape/TiVo, just a random show that you end up watching when nothing else you like is on.

The ultimate surfstopper is "Cops". This is the one which all others are compared to. No one ever tapes it. No one talks about it around the water cooler. No one goes out of their way to watch it. You don't hear: "Well, I'd love to meet for dinner at 8, but could we make it later? There's a new "Cops" on tonight." You just stumble upon it, and you immediately hit a redneck rubbernecking delay. By the next commercial break, you snap out of it, and switch on an educational program on PBS to cleanse yourself.

What would make you stop?

For me the other night, it was "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan". It stopped my thumb dead, because I wanted to see the legends Montalban and Shatner trading their patented wooden acting moves, not to mention Ricardo's plastic breastplate makeup, and I ended up stuck in this movie's tractor beam for about 15 minutes. Other shows/movies in this category:

*"Maximum eXposure"/"You Gotta See This!" They're essentially the same show. Hard to peel your eyes off of.
*Billiard trick shots on ESPN2. Don't ask me why, but it's infinitely better than "World Series of Poker".
*"Blind Date". Some of the "thought bubbles" they come up with on this show are hilarious.
*"Modern Marvels". I'm in awe of this stuff. My jaw drops as I exclaim, "Wow, that's a big crane!"
*"American Chopper". I've never watched this from start to finish, but I think I've now seen every show in nonsequential 15 minute increments.
*"Point Break". The ultimate 100% pure train wreck of a movie, predating the current "extreme" movies, sports, shows and marketing campaigns for the Mountain Dew generation. Swayze, Keanu, Busey, Petty--any questions? (SEE ALSO: "Road House".)
*Any Sean Connery "James Bond" movie.
*Any Schwarzenegger comedy.

Barry Bonds will face Roger Clemens tonight in Houston, needing one HR to tie Willie Mays. What do you want to see happen?

a. Bonds hitting a HR to tie Mays
b. Bonds hitting multiple HRs to surpass Mays
c. Bonds gets intentionally walked
d. Clemens beaning Bonds with the first pitch
e. Clemens beaning him and then hurling a broken bat at him
f. Bonds breaking his bat. The end of the bat goes into Clemens chest, killing him instantly, before he can say another stupid thing. The ball is caught for an out, but not before Bonds twists his ankle on the bag running it out for a career ending injury.
g. Bonds is put in as a relief pitcher to face Clemens, and beans HIM in the head
h. Bonds is arrested for illegal steroid use at home plate
i. Clemens and Bonds are united in gay marriage by President Bush
j. Clemens throws at Bonds' head. During ensuing bench-clearing brawl, Clemens grabs Bonds, ripping his shirt and his breast is exposed; both later claim "uniform malfunction"

(I chose "e", Rob chose "d", and Karl submitted "f".)