The Hills Have Eyes 2
They have eyes to . . . what? To see you with? Oh, so these hills also have eyes? Good to know, next time I'm in the desert. Seriously, what is this Wes Craven endorsed crapfest? And who chose the O Brother, Where Art Thou song that plays halfway through?
Sweet Jebus, who greenlights this miserable shit? Instead of making aggressively unfunny comedies, can't someone figure out a real-life situation that actually sends Larry the Cable Guy to Iraq? Rednecks, gay jokes, Mexican jokes--are there any other stereotypes we can lazily cram into this steaming pile of fucktardation? I'm secretly hoping they all get killed out in the desert by those hills who also happen to have eyes. Fast Track
This one is more disappointing than anything else, since I like Zach Braff and Jason Bateman (the latter's comic timing on Arrested Development was outstanding) and I even like Amanda Peet. So why does this trailer make me hate everything? Huh, the YouTube commenters who like this are all between 14-18, it seems. Fabulous. This movie has already been renamed and its release date moved around several times, and that can't be good.
Drew Barrymore tackles the no-longer trendy world of high stakes poker, with some guy who looks like the 21st century answer to Andrew McCarthy that I sort of recognize and . . . Robert Duvall? Good god, this is looks bad. Do people really talk to each other in cliches like this? ("What goes around comes around", "It's dangerous to be around you.") And is anyone else bothered by Drew's "hit in the face with a frying pan" profile? Or is it only me? They obviously never heard the saying: "What happens in Vegas should never be filmed and shown to audiences outside Vegas."
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
It's the ultimate wedding crasher! Ugh. I hate all these movies that take place in New York City and end up destroying everything: X-Men, Spiderman, Heroes--I'm sick of it! Go fuck with St. Louis or Atlanta instead, you bunch of dumb superassholes.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Here it is, the coup de garbage: an Adam Sandler movie! And it's about a gay couple who aren't really gay! And it co-stars the insufferable fat guy from King of Queens! I don't know where to start with this, so let's just say that's Rob Schneider impersonating a Chinese guy at the beginning and leave it at that. This is the last time I'm going to say it: Adam Sandler, please fuck off forever.
Coming soon: John Rambo: Pearl of the Cobra, Live Free or Die Hard, and that Robin Williams movie where he plays a wacky reverend! Thanks Hollywood!