MISSING: JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY

This is kind of thing that steams my clams. It's the Natalee Holloway petition.

The petition is the most convoluted, ridiculous thing I've ever read, based not on facts or evidence, but solely on assumptions all gleaned from watching the media coverage of this story. A young girl on vacation is missing, and presumed dead, under mysterious circumstances. But because it's on the news every night people feel like they're entitled to know the truth, or worse: they already think they know what happened. Just because the media is sensationalizing it by counting the days ("Day 91: Missing in Aruba", like it's a frigging Nancy Drew book) and Greta von Something and Nancy Whatsherface are blabbing about it on TV non-stop every night, and the mother of the missing child is harassing suspects at their place of work in Aruba, it doesn't make the accusations any more valid, nor the case any closer to being solved. Basically, a little information is a dangerous thing, and that's all we have to go on. The media's constant coverage alone doesn't make it "apparent" that there's a conspiracy, it's merely the power of suggestion. Furthermore, since there's essentially no "new" news in this case, it serves no purpose other than to pray upon a parent's worst fear, just to get ratings. It's appalling.

Here's the 'fair and balanced' news: hundreds of people go missing every year, and they're never found. How come we don't have petitions for all of them? Is there no one missing in this country? Is there a special "American white girl" clause that I wasn't aware of? Because you watch 12 hours of MSNBCNN a day, that suddenly makes you an expert on Dutch law? Let's be honest: everything we know about the Dutch we learned from "Austin Powers in Goldmember". That's like saying I know a lot about Amsterdam because I drink a lot Amstel Light. How do we have the right to send in the FBI, and force US laws onto this case--because we're the US, and we say so?

Something obviously went horribly wrong and this girl ended up dead, and whether there was foul play or it was an accident, I can't make the call because I wasn't there. If the law enforcement in Aruba botched the investigation, it only shows that foreign countries are just as capable of ineptitude and negligence as we are (anyone heard of O.J. Simpson?). And if we're outraged over an alleged political cover up, we've got plenty of that in our own country to focus our attention on (Karl Rove, I'm looking at you). And although it's a horrible ordeal for the family and I don't wish it on anyone, it doesn't have anything to do with you or me.

The kicker is the "we will boycott Aruba" line in this petition. If the island of Aruba relies on American tourism for their income, don't you think that the Aruban officials are doing whatever they can to find out what happened? If they're covering up something, it only makes them look worse. Regardless, if you assume this is a massive conspiracy, and as a result you don't want to go to Aruba, don't go! Who's stopping you?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

This just proves that they'll put anything on DVD nowadays, and I mean ANYTHING: "T.J. Hooker: The Complete 1st and 2nd Seasons" has been released. That's right, the triple threat of Shatner, Zmed and Locklear, in full digitized splendor, the way God intended. God, why have you betrayed us???

Instead of watching this crap, I have some other suggestions.

We'll start with perhaps one of the funniest Shatner moments (next to the SNL "Get a life" skit), when MTV had him spoof the movie "SE7EN" for the movie awards in 1996. Brilliant. Speaking of funny Canadians, it's Probert vs. Grimson from the "old" NHL, a crazy hockey goal, and the classic Daddy Drank from "Kids in the Hall".

Back in America (Fuck Yeah!), Conan's Walker, Texas Ranger Lever is hilarious, while Lewis Black in need of a new health plan, Robin Williams explains the origin of golf, and and Jim Rome "interviews" Chrissy "Jim" Everett.

We've also got some cartoon buffoonery! First, there's South Park's incredibly offensive, vile, and funny take on "The Aristocrats". And here are some Family Guy clips: Peter wins at Trivial Pursuit, a weird "banned" sex tape scene, Cookie Monster in rehab, and Chris takes on 'Take On Me', and the "Full Blown AIDS" song.

Will Ferrell, as late baseball announcer Harry Caray, asks the questions: Would you eat the moon if it was made of ribs? And if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Last, but surely not least, there's the Triumph trilogy, as he takes on the Wacko Jacko fans at the Michael Jackson Trial, some American Idol hopefuls, and the and Star Wars über-dorks. I never thought an insult comic dog puppet would be the funniest comedian of the past couple of years, but I don't see anyone else taking the crown. Except maybe George W. Bush. Everyone salute!


"You don't deal with lesser life forms? You must be a lonely guy! I keed, I keeeeed!!!"

VERBAL MASTICATION?

I just finished reading the Douglas Coupland book "Hey Nostradamus!" It was an interesting, quick read that unfortunately meandered and lost steam at the end. Coupland is a Canadian writer best known for his book "Generation X", a term which became a mid-90s media catch phrase to refer to every single young adult at the time. However, the first novel of his that I read was "Microserfs", a surprisingly heartwarming story about a group of Microsoft employees/slaves trying to become more human in the increasingly pervasive world of technology; the blend of character development and witty pop culture references has made it one of my favorite books, sort of a "Catcher in the Rye, Version 2.0 for Windows".

I've since read two other books of his, so I decided to check out his website for the first time last night. I'm not sure what I expected; maybe I was secretly hoping he was a normal guy who is just really good at acute observations about the struggles of modern life. In any case, I was blissfully unaware of anything but his novels, and after checking out his "art", I now wish that I had stayed that way. Among his "sculptures" are "hand-chewed" US $1 bills, a Gideon's Bible, and a copy of his "Generation X" book, all fashioned into nests and attached to tree branches.



All I can say is: WTF? I guess you have to accept the fact that anyone who has a brilliant creative mind is going to be a little "out there", but that's a little too freaky for me. Seriously, how does one get to the point where they decide to eat their own writings (of their own free will)? Now I'm going to think twice about picking up another one of his books.

In a not wholly unrelated story, I also picked up James Ellroy's "My Dark Places", an upbeat, whimsical novel about his, uhm, mother's unsolved murder (yeah, it's a regular party). On the cover it has a sticker that says "Signed By The Author", which is kind of cool, but I didn't take it seriously since it's a library copy. But sure enough I found the initials "J.E.", hastily scrawled in blue ink on the first blank page. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was rather odd.

Which brings this question to mind: can I order a Douglas Coupland novel that was "chewed and regurgitated by the author"?

RAFAEL PALMEIRO'S BEST STEROID EXCUSES

I could have sworn I reached for the "I Can't Believe It's Not Steroids!" [kw]

They hated on Jesus, too. [rv]

During lunch with Barry Bonds, I felt a sharp piercing pain in buttock, and just assumed I sat on a pin "unintentionally" left in my Armani suit. [jk]

In the twilight of my career, I decided to focus my career on setting an example for children of the dangers of using performance enhancing drugs by getting 3000 hits, hitting 600 home runs, getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and getting more 40-year old nookie than any other ballplayer in history… [sk]

Those steroids shrink your twig and berry down to nothing, I HAD to take Viagra. Wait, what am I suspended for? [rv]

I decided at age 40 to become a two-sport star, and was merely "training" for the upcoming NFL season. [jk]

Probably an inadvertent sample switch at the lab. Those autosampling robotics things never maintain sample integrity. That pee could be anybody's. [kw]

I was trying to get steroids out of baseball, one syringeful at a time. [rv]

I was doing "research", like Pete Townshend. [kw]

When Canseco gave me the little blue pill, I obviously thought it was related to Jose's other known pursuit. [ks]

It must have been that medication I took for my Viaggravated Groin. [kw]

Must have been absorbed when I shook hands with all the other players that never took steroids at the congressional hearing. [sk]

I thought that being appointed to the government's "Steroids Task Force" actually meant I was REQUIRED to take them. [jk]

Apparently, one of my teammates is not such a good "clubhouse guy" after all. That's the last time I wear my "GOT PEE?" T-shirt around there! [kw]

As spokesman for "Dianabol-O's!" cereal, I'm required to eat 10 bowls per day. [rv]