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by Jeff Kammann)
Rob and I had this discussion the other day, and we've come to the conclusion that we're sick of telling complete strangers that we work in the pharmaceutical industry. It's a hot button topic that leads people to involuntarily begin informing us, in great detail: 1) how insidiously evil the drug companies are (unlike the tobacco industry); 2) how expensive drug prescriptions are; 3) what drugs they are currently taking and/or addicted to, followed by a full overview of their (or a family member's) entire medical history, and 4) invariably the comment "Do you get to take drugs home?" It's a horrible conversation small talk purgatory that is impossible to avoid. In the end, there are no winners.
So either we have to change our line of work, or come up with a really good lie (like Art Vandalay, Latex Salesman). This "company" that we work for has to meet certain criteria, which would end the conversation and eliminate follow up questions that would require elaborate answers regarding the "job". The criteria are as follows:
1) It should not be a line of work that anyone can forumlate a positive or negative opinion about;
2) It should not be a company that anyone has heard of, or a product that someone might have a keen interest in;
3) It should not concern a service that anyone needs, or perceives they will ever need;
4) It should be completely self-explanatory;
5) It should be so mundane as to extinguish any curiosity in the company, something a person would not even be remotely interested in talking about.
As you can see, this rules out a lot of jobs: retail, health care, entertainment, construction, insurance, real estate, sales, military, and any service industry (among others). We came up with several possibilities that almost meet all of the criteria, but none were bulletproof conversation killers. We thought about some sort of "actuarial" or "surveying" job, but those would require an explanation. "Banking" jobs are bad, because everyone uses banks, or worse, everyone has gotten screwed by a bank at some point. Rob suggested a company that manufactures tubing (a job he once had), which, although mundane, would probably lead to a lengthy discussion about construction that no one wants to get into. And you can spew forth a bunch of nonsense business words and say that you work for "a consulting company that implements strategic, scalable solutions for real-world business problems", but that's so nebulous and confusing that it can be easily picked apart, forcing you to explain your bullshit.
The best thing we could come up with was working for a company that makes twist ties. That's pretty boring, and something that NO ONE cares about. It's something that you couldn't have a positive or negative opinion of, or need to have explained, because if you did you'd sound like a moron (which doesn't stop most people). You could say something like, "I work in quality assurance for a company who manufactures Twist-Ties. Did you ever buy bread or garbage bags? Well then, you're probably familiar with our work." Where can you go from there? Although it is a product that people are aware of, it's one that they most likely have never thought about. In any case, if you get a follow-up question about what you actually do, just say, "It's a lot of paperwork and phone calls." End of conversation. This leaves you open to discuss something more innocuous like sports, like how "this rivalry isn't as good since they got rid of that big pitcher guy" (actual quote from actual bar patron trying to make small talk). Wait, that might be worse.
by Jeff Kammann
This is officially the funniest mashup I've heard so far, it's RIAA'S "Bring The Strippers".
Well, in case you didn't like that, here's an excerpt from Neil Diamond's "The Pot Smoker's Song" (also here.)
I can't even explain how I found this sound bite. It's from Jesse Ventura's inauguration party CD, "We Rocked The World".
THE BODY'S BACK FOR TONIGHT! LET'S PARTY, MINNESOTA!!!
Yes, this guy was a state governor.
by Jeff Kammann
For those of us not fluent in French, that means "Soup of the Day". Mmm, that sounds good, I'll have that.
A QUESTION POUR VOUS. Some people converse using a combination of Spanish and English words, sometimes referred to as "Spanglish". Are people who use a combination of French and English words speaking "Frenglish"? (Maybe Kris can answer this one.)
(Kris' response: The french term is 'Franglais'. I don't know the Anglicization though? Do we need a word? It's just the poseurs who try to use french words to make themselves seem more intelligent (...and you, of course, Jeff). It's totally different here...Somehow all the way up to the executive level the overwhelming ideology is if someone calls your name and you respond with a heavily, heavily accented 'Yes' you are somehow bilingual and therefore better than others...No actually, what I really mean is that there are so many French words in the English language as it is it would seem to be redundant to need a specific term for words like 'redundant.')
45% MORE DECEPTIVE! I was pondering my laundry detergent purchase the other day, when a label screamed out at me "VALUE SIZE - 45% MORE!" Intrigued, I picked up the bottle to give it a closer inspection, which is when I read the fine print: ". . . than the 100 oz. bottle". So what? Someone in marketing typed the numbers into a calculator and decided to put it on the label. What do I gain from this knowledge? So I checked how substantial my savings would be if I bought the bigger size bottle. (I think you can see where this is going.) As it turns out, the smaller size was cheaper at $0.88 a quart, while the "value size" was $0.90 a quart. Ugh. You just know that more people are going to pick up the "45% MORE" bottle, and not know they got screwed at the register. I hate marketing idiots.
YOU CAN HEAR THAT? I just heard a pretty good rock song by a band calling themselves Louis XIV, so decided to do some research on them. However, I just read this line from a pitchforkmedia.com record review of theirs . . . and I'm not sure I should read any further:
"This album has raunchy sleazy guitar solos, like on opener "Louis XIV", which sounds like Noel Gallagher fucking AC/DC's guest list in assless chaps."
That's what you hear, eh? So, uhm, in musical terms, is that good? I'm afraid of the answer.
MEN ARE FROM SATURN. The latest Saturn car commercials have a kid saying this ridiculous line: "Well, I could have bought a BMW Z4. But then I'd have a slower car. That's why I bought a Saturn." (That and the fact that I work at Wal-Mart.) Wait, throw that thing into reverse: did they actually compare a Saturn ION Redline to a fucking BMW Z4? The commercial would have been much more believeable if they'd said, "But then I'd have spent twice as much money on a car that's merely an extension of my penis."
CLOSING JOKE. Should people getting into obvious bad marriages register at Unfortunoffs?
by Kris Salo
Following up the highly successful "Friday Afternoon Rants", I'm rolling out "Ranting on Monday": I hope it will have as much success as the previous edition...
We've discussed universal healthcare before - I know that some of us come from different sides of the debate - I'm still more or less pro, but I did want to related the wonderful way that it works here is the bastion of cheese and wine:
Julie recently got a prescription for contact lenses. These are covered by the social security/healthcare system here. The way that this works in France is you pay out of your pocket and then the social security reimburses a percentage of the amount (about 50% for contacts I believe) and then forwards to documents to your complementary "mutuelle" that works more or less like an HMO/work-based health plan in the US. However, instead of covering the entire cost it makes up the difference between what the social security pays and what the actual cost is.
Anyway, she just got her prescription refilled and at the same time she had them change a pair of sunglasses from prescription lenses to normal lenses so she can wear them with her contacts. This is not covered by healthcare because it is a non-medical change. The glasses were 25 euros, her contacts were 50ish. So the guy at the optometrist prints out the receipt, etc. We get back to the car and Julie's looking at the receipt and there are no glasses on the receipt, but the price was the correct one for the glasses plus the contacts. He changed the price of the contacts so they were equal to the price of the glasses and the contacts - which in essence means that the entire country paid for Julie's non-medically necessary glasses. Sure it is nice when you save 25 euros because of this, but imagine that this is happening on a country-wide (65 million citizens) scale. The guy didn't even ask, he just automatically defrauded the state-health apparatus.
On a related note: There was breaking news last week - "Great News: Social Security will only be 12 billion Euros in debt for 2005." Honestly, this is more or less a verbatim translation...You're asking yourself, how is this great news, I'm telling you I don't know. In actuality this is 2 billion less then estimated, hence the great news. This is because they added a mandatory participation (co-pay) of an incredibly painful 1 euro. The thing that kills me is before they added this they were discussing different options to help support this albatross bureaucratic system - and I was saying that a co-pay is the best way to go. People actually argued with me saying, but some people are more sick then others so it costs them more. NO SH!T, THAT'S THE F!CKING POINT! As mentioned, in principle I don't have a problem with universal healthcare ("in principle, Lisa, Communism works") - but why the f*ck should I, who goes to the doctor maybe one time every two years, have to pay the exact same amount as the idiot hypochondriac who goes four times per month. It's the same if you buy more stuff than someone else; you pay more sales tax. There's a difference between ensuring healthcare for everyone, and ensuring that every freak gets to defraud the system on a daily basis.
The thing is that France's healthcare system is fairly well-regarded in the world. After you take a look at the British and Canadian systems, France is amazing. I'm not coming off by universal healthcare stance, but I do recognize that there are problems with most systems. I could go on for days - but it's 10am so I guess I should go check out cnn.com now...
by Jeff Kammann
I never thought I'd put up a picture of a Rangers player on my blog, but that's what it's come to. On Thursday, while watching a Rangers Classics game on MSG, Game 6 of the Patrick Division Finals, Capitals @ Rangers, from April 27, 1986, Rob and I were reminded why we fell in love with hockey. We marveled at the tiny pads on John Vanbiesbrouck and Pete Peeters, which were laughable compared to modern day gargantuan-padded goalies like Luongo or Snow. Plus, it looked like they were only wearing a thin turtleneck under their hockey sweaters! We saw Pierre Larouche score a goal, a young Scott Stevens pushing over Beezer for penalty (very funny), and wondered how they fit Reijo Ruotsalainen's last name on the back of his sweater. But it's what we DIDN'T see that made the difference. We didn't see countless ads all over the ice and the boards (although I can't argue with that, since the NHL needs all the cash it can get). We didn't see any clutching and grabbing. And there was nary a goon to be found (although Tomas Sandstrom was a little chippy). It was just pure, unadulterated hockey, and it was fun to watch (even though we knew who was going to win). This nearly 20 year old game was a great example of what was good about the NHL, and made us realize that we missed professional hockey. Hey, the NHL isn't the same now as it was back then: it is what it is. But it could be better.
So now they're going to meet this week and talk about rule changes in the NHL, which is hilarious considering THERE IS NO LEAGUE RIGHT NOW. But if they actually plan on skating again sometime, this is what I think they should do and what they SHOULDN'T do, to improve the game.
They SHOULD:
1. Make the goalie pads much smaller, both in height and width. They already limited the height to 38" with no ridges on the sides a few years back, which was a good move. But in 1989 the maximum width of the pads was changed from 10" to 12". They should change it back, and limit the height even further, and then the most skilled goalies will stand out, as the wheat is separated from the chaff.
2. Move the goal line back again, from 13 feet to 10 feet from the back boards. This increases the neutral zone by 6 feet giving skaters more room to pass, and creates better shooting angles for scores in their offensive zones. A no brainer.
3. Reinstate the tag-up offside rule. The Olympic/International rule is the best way to go. There's nothing stupider than two guys risking injury by crashing into the end boards, or each other, trying to touch the puck for icing.
4. Have a shootout at the end of OT (in regular season games only). Yeah, I never thought I'd say this, but it's more exciting to watch than two teams who really don't care because they already got a point for a "regulation tie". I'm just sick of paying $75 to see two teams leave the ice without settling a thing, even if it is a little gimmicky.
5. Increase the penalty for fighting. Make it an automatic game misconduct, and a fine. And get rid of the stupid "instigator" rule, and just throw both of them out. Bye bye, goons, and don't let the Zamboni hit your ass on the way out.
6. Stop clutching and grabbing. If you touch an offensive player with the puck who is in front of you to try to slow him down, that's a penalty. Period. So go and sit in the box for 2 minutes and feel shame.
7. No mullets. Just an asthetic thing.
8. Get rid of Bettman. All he's done is hire marketing executives to run the league, which as Bill Hicks suggests, should go kill themselves (for that "glowing puck" alone). Formerly NBA commissioner David Stern's flunkie, he probably got into this because he was a lousy lawyer, and now he's proven he's a lousy NHL commissioner, who also doesn't know a damn thing about the sport. Make Gretzky the Commish.
9. Get rid of all teams south of St. Louis. Or better yet, do a man-on-the-street poll and find out what Southern cities actually miss their teams. I guarantee that very few people in Atlanta, Charlotte, Miami and Nashville are pining for hockey.
10. Reinstate the original division/conference names. This is one of the things that made hockey unique, not just another league with generic, geographic names. Bring back the Wales and Campbell Conferences, and the Patrick, Norris, Adams, and Smythe Divisions, and add two more: the Gretzky and Howe Divisions (or something along those lines).
They should NOT:
1. Make the goal bigger. They're actually rolling out two prototypes this month as they consider this alternative, which, not surprisingly, goalies are not happy about. All I have to say about this is: no, no, NO!!! That's like increasing the basketball hoop diameter, or the width of a soccer goal. Stupid idea.
2. Eliminate the red line. Okay, some say it opens up the game, getting rid of two line passes. I don't think they should tamper with this, but instead move the goals back (see #2 above). I'm on the fence with the "widening the red and blue lines", but that might be an alternative to erasing the red line completely.
3. Disallow goalies from handling the puck outside the goal crease. Another asinine idea. The goalie is part of the defense, and therefore should be allowed to skate and handle the puck whenever it is necessary. Again, the most skilled goalies will rise above the rest.
Yeah, I actually miss the NHL, in THEORY. It could be great again. Let's hope this morons don't screw it up, even worse than it already is.
I'm thinking of moving to Canada, for various reasons, one being that it's the only place you can see the NHL Network (what's that aboot, eh?). And they have a great "Top 10" series, and this particular one features the "Best Playoff Hat Tricks of the 1990s". It may not be officially "old school", but it's a good video anyway (requires WMP) 700K | 300K | 56K
