I've noticed that my rants aren't even true rants anymore, they're merely minor annoyances that I feel the need to complain about to no one in particular. Meh. Too bad, you have to read them anyway.
Court: Some Ten Commandments Displays OK
There's nothing like a hard line stance! That's the most wishy-washy decision I've ever seen. I'm 100% sure Judge Judy didn't have anything to do with this. So is it okay, or not, should I ask Mel Gibson first . . . ?
Americans Migrate to Cities in South, West
Good! Get the hell out! Who needs ya? That means more beer for us. Of course, you'd never be able to tell by the traffic around here that people are leaving in droves . . . maybe each person was replaced by a car that automatically drives itself during peak hours?
WFAN’s Mike and the Mad Dog will broadcast live for 24 straight hours for the first time ever!
Oh dear God! This is one of the Signs of the Apocalypse! The End of Days is nigh! So this is a perfect time for me to call them up and scream about a random New York athlete's perceived incompetance. "Mikey, Doggy, first time long time, I think the [LOCAL SPORTS TEAM] have to get rid of [PLAYER NAME], he's a bum, he's no good, and I can't stand him anymore! They gotta get rid of this guy, I think they should trade him for [BEST PLAYER ON SOME OTHER TEAM], I want to hear your thoughts, I'll hang up and listen!"
EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES . . . HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE
"Bewitched" is the second movie starring Nicole Kidman in which she plays a witch (the first being 1997's "Practical Magic"). Not only that, but both movie trailers and soundtracks made use of the song "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by the Police. For the love of Dick York, can't they come up with ONE ORIGINAL THOUGHT?!? Add that to the pile of remakes, TV and comic book adaptations, and Batman and Star Wars prequels . . . and everyone is wondering why movie attendance is down. Huh, beats me.
SPAM? A LOT
No, not the e-mail selling tactic that MSN Hotmail is poweless to stop, it's "Monty Python's SPAMALOT", the Best Musical of the Year (according to a small groups of aging Jewish homosexuals--I mean, according to the Tony Awards voters). A group of us saw it last month, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was a hilarious extrapolation of the movie, and I wondered afterwards why I haven't seen more Broadway shows. Just a brief sampling of the 2005 Tony Awards telecast made me say to myself, "Ohhhh yeah, that's why." I think any song from "Light In The Piazza" sums up everything about the Great White Way that gives me douche chills and sends me running for a sports bar.
(What a segue.)
MAD SKILLS
With the 2005 MLB All Star Craptacular coming up, I was wondering: are they still having the Home Run Derby this year? I guess they have to since its become an institution, but it's not going to be as "juiced" as it used to be. I can see it now: "Albert Pujols wins the 2005 Home Run Derby with, uhm, well, only ONE home run hit, which honestly wouldn't have cleared the fence if it hadn't bounced off of guest outfielder Jose Canseco's head . . . " I think they should just have a skills competition: fastest player to run from first to third, best catcher at throwing out runners at second, best pitcher at hitting the corners, best spray hitter. And it can all culminate with the LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BUNTING DERBY!
YOU JUST GOT OWNED
A recent Times interview of the current New Jersey Nets owner Bruce Ratner, who is planning on moving the team into a new arena in Brooklyn (to be designed by Frank "Ugliest Sports Trophy Ever" Gehry), included the line: "I was never a basketball fan, but I wanted to bring a team to Brooklyn." Great, a basketball team's future being decided by a guy who isn't a basketball fan. Add him to a hockey commissioner who has tried to run the sport like the David Stern's NBA, complete with marketing gurus (and has so far failed) . . . and people wonder why we hate these guys?
FUNNIEST T-SHIRT EVER
Sold at a recent interleague game where the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim visited the Los Angeles Dodgers: "THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF LOS ANGELES". Brilliant!
DON'T LET THAT DRAFT IN HERE!
If you thought the NFL Draft was "Must See TV", than you had to have tuned in for the NBA Draft. I couldn't watch it, because all the talk beforehand made me realize that they speak a whole other language. Players are no longer tall, they're "long". However, this word cannot be used to describe the length of their arms, which has been replaced by "wingspan". [This would be my test for a player's wingspan: have him jump off a cliff, and see how long he can soar using just his arms!] A player doesn't have "potential", they have "tremendous upside". Forget about terms like "vertical leap", "jumping ability" or even "ups": players are now "bouncy". He's not "quick", he has "blow-by-ability". And these commentators feel the need to constantly point out that these athletes are "athletic". How sad. I guess that's all you can talk about when the entire league is filled with players who lack basic fundamentals and the ability to shoot the ball.
TREND I HOPE WILL BE APPLIED TO MY LIFE
It's my fervent hope that all African nations are relieved of their debt, then maybe I can have all of my debt erased as well. It's only fair. I mean, why can't Pink Floyd reunite to help raise awareness about my massive credit card debt?
CLOSING JOKE: "Baked Lays" are the ugly chicks you end up banging only because you're high.
Thank you, good night!