RIAA: 50 CENT TO BE FEATURED ON ALL FUTURE MUSIC RELEASES

On the heels of strong sales of rap music in 2005, largely due to the quadruple platinum success of 50 Cent's "The Massacre" and its numerous charting singles, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has announced that every album and single released this year will contain 50 Cent. Music consumers have already seen the precursors to this trend in several singles already released during the past few years, including The Game featuring 50 Cent ("How We Do", "Hate It Or Love It"), Li'l Kim featuring 50 Cent ("Magic Stick"), Eminem featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent ("Encore"). However, his insertion into future recorded music will increase exponentially in the coming months, in hopes to increase holiday sales of both compact discs and downloadable digital media.

Earlier this year, 50 Cent turned heads in the music industry when he appeared on three singles simultaneously in the Top 10 ("Candy Shop" #1, "Disco Inferno" #5, "How We Do" #6, Billboard, April 7, 2005), something not achieved since the Beatles ruled the charts in the 1960s. Subsequent marketing studies lead by the RIAA in conjunction with the major record labels show that record sales across the board can be increased by spreading into untapped demographics, and have decided to insert 50 Cent in some way, shape or form into everyone's music library, regardless of genre.

A brief rundown of the titles to be released in the coming year:

* "Da Gang's All Herre" - Justin Timberlake featuring L'il Kim, Li'l Jon, (formerly L'il) Bow Wow, The Ying Yang Twins and 50 Cent;
* "Live On The Edge or Die Tryin'" - Aerosmith featuring 50 Cent;
* "Unforgettable: Special Edition" - Natalie Cole featuring 50 Cent and Nat King Cole (CD+DVD);
* "Under The Sea" - SpongeBob SquarePants & 50 Cent, featuring Chris Martin from Coldplay;
* "The Three Tenors featuring 50 Cent: Live In Brooklyn" - Carreras, Domingo, Pavarotti & 50 Cent;
* "Hoes Just Wanna Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper featuring 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg;
* "Guilty n' Sentenced To 18 Months Probation" - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb featuring 50 Cent;
* Mozart's Symphony No. 41 in C Major, K. 551 ("Jupiter"), performed by The London Philharmonic Orchestra featuring 50 Cent on third violin.

These releases follow a "special edition" of "The Massacre" just released by Interscope Records, which is bundled with special remixes and a DVD. As a part of RIAA's ongoing effort to counteract music piracy, each employs special anti-piracy protection. Any attempts to rip more than one copy of each song will result in the user's system becoming infected by a Trojan horse virus (TROJ_MASSACRE.50C) which renders the operating system useless, unless 50 Cent is featured in the desktop wallpaper, browser, and all default system sounds.

However, it doesn't end there, as projects are in the works that will be felt beyond far beyond your subwoofers. To continue the cross-marketing of the hip-hop superstar, a new expansion pack for the popular video game "Medal of Honor" will be released in late 2005 entitled "Medal of Honor: The Massacre Featuring 50 Cent". In this extremely realistic war simulation, he will be a featured voice actor as the Allied forces wage battles against the Japanese in the Pacific theater during 1944-1945 (however, his character cannot be equipped with any weaponry during the course of the game, since he pleaded no contest to an assault charge in May 2005 and cannot carry a gun in some states).

Upcoming TV appearances are also planned, as 50 Cent joins the cast of "The O.C. featuring 50 Cent", where he portrays the southern California county's only African-American resident. Additionally, Denny's Restaurants have announced the release of a new sandwich called "In Da Club Sandwich, featuring Roasted Turkey, Lettuce, Tomatoes and 50 Cent", for the introductory price of $5.99 (not available on white bread).

FUCK EVERYTHING, GILLETTE'S DOING FIVE BLADES

You might remember this Onion article about Gillette's next move, from February 2004. Well, it's happened. They've said f*** everything, they're doing five blades. [Thanks to Rob for pointing this out, otherwise I would have sh!t myself when I saw it in the store.]

The Onion "memo" and the official Gillette press release are eerily similar too:


Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened-the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent-I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

Here's an excerpt from the Gillette press release (with the CEO dropping considerably less f-bombs). That's right, not only are the extra blades smaller and closer together (and, I would guess, practically invisible), they've even crammed a blade on the BACK OF THE CARTRIDGE. I wish I was making this up:

Gillette’s Next Generation Men’s Shaving Systems Start a Reaction

BOSTON, Mass., September 14, 2005 – The Gillette Company today announced the launch of Gillette Fusion™ and Gillette Fusion™ Power, revolutionary new wet shaving systems for men and the world’s first razors to feature advanced technology on the front and on the back of the blade cartridge. Both shaving systems outperform the world’s leading razors, MACH3Turbo and M3Power respectively, by incorporating breakthrough innovations that provide a dramatic increase in shaving closeness and comfort.

"Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving," said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. "Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership."

Both shaving systems feature a breakthrough 5 blade Shaving Surface™ technology on the front of the cartridge, with blades spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3
blades. The combination of adding more blades and narrowing the inter-blade span creates a "Shaving Surface" that distributes the shaving force across the blades, resulting in significantly less irritation and more comfort. The Precision Trimmer™ blade, a single blade on the back of the cartridge, allows men to easily trim sideburns, shave under the nose and shape facial hair with control and precision.

...

"The performance of Gillette Fusion and Fusion Power is unprecedented, and testing among thousands of consumers overwhelmingly proves these are the world’s best shaving systems," said Peter K. Hoffman, President, Blades and Razors, The Gillette Company. "We listened to consumers and developed products that meet the shaving needs of all men, with or without facial hair, to help them look and feel their very best."


Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Read that last statement again. They're so cocky, they think they can sell razors to men WITHOUT FACIAL HAIR. That's right, the PRESIDENT OF BLADES AND RAZORS is going to make you buy it, whether you need it or not, you son-of-a-bitch! I'm sure there was a marketing guy boggling his mind trying to figure out how to tap into the "hairless" demographic, to achieve complete market dominance. "It's not only how you look, it's how you feel, right? So somehow we have to convince men that if they don't buy the Fusion, they'll feel like complete assholes."

Here's my theory: the Gillette people saw the Onion article (it even has the CEO's real name on it), printed it out, hung it up on the wall, maybe even had a little conference featuring it in a funny PowerPoint presentation . . . and then actually got to work on creating a five blade razor. You think it's crazy? Well, it IS crazy. Don't question it. Don't say a word. We're on the edge, the razor's edge, and I feel like dancing.