You might remember this Onion article about Gillette's next move, from February 2004. Well, it's happened. They've said f*** everything, they're doing five blades. [Thanks to Rob for pointing this out, otherwise I would have sh!t myself when I saw it in the store.]
The Onion "memo" and the official Gillette press release are eerily similar too:
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened-the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.
Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent-I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
Here's an excerpt from the Gillette press release (with the CEO dropping considerably less f-bombs). That's right, not only are the extra blades smaller and closer together (and, I would guess, practically invisible), they've even crammed a blade on the BACK OF THE CARTRIDGE. I wish I was making this up:
Gillette’s Next Generation Men’s Shaving Systems Start a Reaction
BOSTON, Mass., September 14, 2005 – The Gillette Company today announced the launch of Gillette Fusion™ and Gillette Fusion™ Power, revolutionary new wet shaving systems for men and the world’s first razors to feature advanced technology on the front and on the back of the blade cartridge. Both shaving systems outperform the world’s leading razors, MACH3Turbo and M3Power respectively, by incorporating breakthrough innovations that provide a dramatic increase in shaving closeness and comfort.
"Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving," said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. "Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership."
Both shaving systems feature a breakthrough 5 blade Shaving Surface™ technology on the front of the cartridge, with blades spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3
blades. The combination of adding more blades and narrowing the inter-blade span creates a "Shaving Surface" that distributes the shaving force across the blades, resulting in significantly less irritation and more comfort. The Precision Trimmer™ blade, a single blade on the back of the cartridge, allows men to easily trim sideburns, shave under the nose and shape facial hair with control and precision.
...
"The performance of Gillette Fusion and Fusion Power is unprecedented, and testing among thousands of consumers overwhelmingly proves these are the world’s best shaving systems," said Peter K. Hoffman, President, Blades and Razors, The Gillette Company. "We listened to consumers and developed products that meet the shaving needs of all men, with or without facial hair, to help them look and feel their very best."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Read that last statement again. They're so cocky, they think they can sell razors to men WITHOUT FACIAL HAIR. That's right, the PRESIDENT OF BLADES AND RAZORS is going to make you buy it, whether you need it or not, you son-of-a-bitch! I'm sure there was a marketing guy boggling his mind trying to figure out how to tap into the "hairless" demographic, to achieve complete market dominance. "It's not only how you look, it's how you feel, right? So somehow we have to convince men that if they don't buy the Fusion, they'll feel like complete assholes."
Here's my theory: the Gillette people saw the Onion article (it even has the CEO's real name on it), printed it out, hung it up on the wall, maybe even had a little conference featuring it in a funny PowerPoint presentation . . . and then actually got to work on creating a five blade razor. You think it's crazy? Well, it IS crazy. Don't question it. Don't say a word. We're on the edge, the razor's edge, and I feel like dancing.