TOP TEN THINGS THAT DIDN'T PISS ME OFF IN 2005

10. Grey Poupon Deli Style Mustard With Horseradish. We all remember the commercials in the 80s, which attempted to give their dijon products a highbrow mystique, only to become the butt of endless "Pardon me" jokes. Well, with this mustard, the Grey Poupon-ers have announced that they are not joking around. This grainy yellow magic in a bottle has a biting horseradish kick gives your tongue a once over, as it gives your palate a bit of a "how's your father?" Honorable mention: Ingelhoffer's Sweet Hot Mustard with Honey has a nice tangy taste, and goes really well with soft pretzels and baked ham.

9. "Extras". Although there are only 6 episodes (making it BBC's longest running series ever!), Ricky Gervais, the creator/writer/star of the original "The Office", serves up another great comedy about a pair of movie extras, one an office worker (Gervais) trying to get a speaking part, and the other a female actress (Ashley Jensen) just trying to get laid. It's your standard British "saying/doing the wrong thing and trying to politely talk your way out of an awkward situation", but it's done with first class panache and humor. And it certainly helps that the actors featured in the episodes, like Patrick Stewart, Ben Stiller and Kate Winslet, willingly take self-effacing shots at themselves in the name of comedy.


8. Brooklyn Beer Party Pack. This is an amazing collection of beers from the best brewery in the state of New York, who have a stable of beers that might even surpass Sam Adams. From top to bottom, this quality 6 x 4 pack is a great way to sample their best concoctions. The Brooklyn Brown Ale is a classic hearty ale that every bar should carry, if they know what's good for them; Brooklyn Winter Ale is a hearty treat, not dominated by the added spices like other winter ales tend to be; few stouts can hold a candle to the roasted malt masterpiece that is the Brooklyn Double Chocolate Stout; finally, the Belgian-inspired unfiltered Brooklyn Monster Ale, only found in this pack, certainly lives up to its name packing a wallop with its 10.2% alcohol content. Viva la Brooklyn!

7. "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Even though it was overlong (which eventually killed "Wedding Crashers", despite its hilarious first hour), this was easily the funniest movie of the year. I laughed when in one of the opening scenes the protagonist's apartment had a "MST3K" movie poster on the wall; this movie had me from the beginning and never failed to amuse me. Being 35 and single, there were way too many dating/friendship/social situations parodied here that I could relate to. It's the rare raunchy AND romantic comedy that manages to hit the nail on the head on both counts, without lowering itself into Rob Schneider toilet humor territory. And on top of that, Steve Carell gives his first "human" performance ever as the likeable lead, and the inclusion of Catherine Keener didn't hurt either.

6. Booker's Single Batch Kentucky Bourbon. Although Basil Hayden's (which should be on the 2004 list) is excellent, it's hard to top this stuff. Although it's 126 proof (!), it goes down incredibly smooth; you want to wait a while for the warmth to seep in before even thinking about chasing it. This spirit will single-handedly get me through another miserable winter.

5. "The Colbert Report". With tongue firmly in cheek, Steven Colbert skewers political opinion shows like "The O'Reilly Factor" on this "Daily Show" spin-off, and does a fantastic job. Whereas his former fake-news show and its host have become a little too whiny and self-important, this show doesn't have an agenda except to deliver top-notch comedy. The low-tech Colbert Nation website is classic as well. Brilliant stuff.

4. The return of NHL hockey. The revamped 2006 version of the sport has turned out to be pretty fun to watch with increased offense, no clutching and grabbing, and the emergence of some exciting young players, like Ovechkin, Lundqvist, Crosby, and Pruchka. The post-OT shootout, initially thought to be just a gimmick to convert non-hockey fans, actually adds some excitement to the end of a tie game. And that cartoonish through-the-legs shootout goal by Malik to win the game for the Rangers after 14 rounds was one of the highlights of the year.

3. Bourbon Street Bar & Restaurant, Nyack, NY. Early in the year, Rob jumped ship from Bruxelles to this establishment when one of their bartenders suggested that he try their food--and he's never looked back. Not only do they have excellent dishes like jambalaya and popcorn crawfish, but they sport the most attractive group of female employees in the area (I must chat with whoever's doing the hiring over there). Add to that their daily 2-for-1 happy hour, which includes the Brooklyn Lager, and you can't miss. It's a totally different place at night when the DJ shows up, but it's hard to beat before 10 PM. (Honorable mention: the closing of Zoo Bar.)

2. Golf. What more can I say? It just keeps getting better. From playing a few rounds in Florida in February, attending the 2005 PGA Tournament at Baltusrol, to the discovery of Berkshire Valley Golf Course, there's very little negative here. I managed to play more golf in one season than ever before (Rob, Karl and I actually played once a month during the middle of the year without even having to say we would). On top of that, the golf season on TV keeps getting longer and longer. This is a trend that I definitely I hope continues into '06. Oh Hensby, you've done it again!

1. New kids on the block. After a 7 year hiatus, my sister was back in the baby business this year with the production of Brandon Michael on December 7. Uncle Rob Vertullo also added to his stable of nieces and nephews with the addition of Ava Helen. Scott and Kerry Keenan also got into the act, bringing Sean Michael into the world on December 11. Good show!

TOP 10 THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF IN 2005

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Yes, I'm back. I haven't blogged at all in the past two weeks, which I can directly attribute to being quite relaxed and generally happy after 11 straight days of good eating, drinking, sleeping, and 0% work--as a result, I just couldn't work up the energy to rant about anything. However, since we've hit the New Year hard and I'm back to the grind, I think it's about time to clean the snow off the rant machine and get it warmed up. But first, we're going to take a look back at 2005. Although you could just scroll through this blog for the past year's rants, I decided to follow the mainstream media who assumes that we all like Year in Review lists. As I started to draft this, I read The Onion's 10 Top Stories Of 2005 list, which was disheartening as it's surely better than anything I could come up with. In fact, if you want you can stop reading my blog and just visit their site. It's hilarious, especially the White House celebrating the 5th year without oral sex by eating a "perfectly square frostingless vanilla cake".

Okay, if you're still with me, I compiled a handy list of various targets of mine from the past year. Naturally, I couldn't narrow it down to just 10, so there are a lot of things I hate that I didn't mention, like: bald-faced lying steroid-ridden baseball players, the New York Mets, the asshole driver in front of me, dubious marketing practices, any interview with an athlete, record companies alienating consumers with copy protected (and unsecure) discs, lame Hollywood remakes, the idea of paying $156 a year (plus tax, hardware and car/home adapter) to listen to Howard Stern curse and fart with strippers--I've probably blogged the hell out of most of those. So this is what's left, "The Eye-Opener 2005 Year In Review: Top 10 Things That Pissed Me Off":

10. People beating each other up over purchasing Microsoft's XBOX 360. (Actually, I put this at #10, because it kind of makes me laugh.) What's the point of this, when Microsoft doesn't beat themselves up trying to create a secure Internet Explorer, or a competent version of their Office suite that retails for less than $350?. All it accomplished was giving this video game system free publicity, building up the hype even more than necessary, and making Bill Gates one of Time's "Persons of the Year". Well, he might have got that honor for giving away some of his spare billions, or something, I didn't buy the magazine.

9. DVD re-releases. Movie companies have figured out that the best way to bilk more money out of its customers is not by putting out better movies, but by continuingly re-releasing DVDs of existing films every few years. Surely some older movies benefit from advances in digital transfer technology, and certainly sound better with a complete Dolby surround sound remastering for the benefit of home theater fans. But why would I need to re-purchase "Toy Story 2"? The latest re-release of this animated Pixar feature is touted as "the best transfer ever", but this is an all-digital film created completely by computers and put directly onto a DVD--how can it get any better than that? Seriously, how did they screw it up the first time? It's worse when movies are just reissued with "commentaries", "deleted scenes" and "making-of documentaries", which will probably only be watched/listened to once anyway. For instance, I bought the "Office Space" widescreen DVD (released in 2000), only to see the release of the "Office Space: Special Edition With Flair" disc, a mere 5 years later, with miraculously unearthed deleted scenes (from the previous century, no less)! But the most disgusting display of greed has to be by the makers of the "Sin City" DVD. The original came out back in August, but you'd be shit-outta-luck now, as the December re-release (less than 5 months later!) rendered your dinosaur obsolete. From now on, I refuse to buy any movie DVDs until they decide once and for all that it's the last one they produce. Additional note: don't call something the "ultimate" edition if you plan to alter it and re-release it over and over again.

8. The NHL on OLN. No, I don't get this network on my cable lineup, and as it turns out I'm not missing much hockey. Seriously though, their lineup features "Wanted Ted Or Alive with Ted Nugent", "Professional Bull Riders: Total Bull" . . . and NHL hockey? It all seems like a cruel joke. And it gets worse: I found out that they only show hockey TWO DAYS A WEEK, Monday and Tuesday (Wednesday at midnight is an encore game, which doesn't count), for a grand total of 3 (sometimes up to 4!) hockey games. Besides the post game shows, the only other NHL related programming is a half hour documentary called "Homecoming", and something called "Mario Lemieux: Fearless". All told, in an average week (168 hours), only 14 hours is devoted to hockey (8%). Remind me again why I would pay extra to watch this channel? Since ESPN neither covers the NHL nor cares about it anymore, when is this Officially Lame Network, or anyone else, going to step up and show some hockey highlights? Or classic hockey games (meanwhile, ESPN Classic shows "Arli$$", but no hockey)? I would even tune in for the unintentional comedy of Don Cherry on "Hockey Night In Canada", or the occasional playing of "Strange Brew" or "Slap Shot". Is the NHL just temporarily biding its time until its popularity rebounds enough so it can get its own network? Let's hope so because, as the overdubbed clean version of "Fargo" would put it, this is a freezing joke.

7. "Arrested Development" being cancelled by FOX. Yeah, I know, you're probably sick of my griping about this, but why should I get a new TV if they cancel every decent show that's on it, and replace it with the likes of "Trading Spouses", "Supernanny", "Nanny 911", "Out of Practice", "How I Met Your Mother", "Skating With Celebrities", "Dancing With The Stars", and some annoying Freddie Prinze, Jr. show (which I refuse to research the title of, but I'll refer to as "Prinze In Charge").

6. "Celebutants"--just typing out that faux word makes me want to vomit blood. I can't describe to you how much I despise our country's fascination with vacuous dipshits like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, as if they serve any purpose or hold any cultural significance. The sheer amount of time and money wasted on the media coverage of these moronic "heir-heads" is just baffling to me, and I wish it would stop. While we're at it, let's quit caring about celebrity weddings and divorces too. Sweet lord.

5. The NFL. Vertullo put it best: "I love the Giants, but I hate the NFL." It's amazing that a sport with astronomical ratings and even higher annual profits would leave its in-game officiating to clueless amateurs. It's now a given that during every single game there will be at least a handful of questionable or outright blown calls, a moment where half a dozen referees look at each other in bewilderment while not making a call, and challenges/booth reviews that bring the game to a crashing halt. Why doesn't the NFL think that this is a problem? I guess I'm just going to have to wait until a Super Bowl or some other important game is decided by a horrible call. Oh wait, I forgot about the Tuck Rule, that propeled the Patriots towards their dynastic Super Bowl ways. Hmmm, another reason not to buy a new TV, because I'd probably end up putting my foot through it this postseason. Which brings me to . . .

4. TV manufacturers. After getting a defective Philips 30" widescreen HDTV for my birthday (I appreciated the gesture, though!), and shortly thereafter buying a similarly troubled Sony (which crapped out on the 29th day after I purchased it, luckily), I'm beginning to think that the third time may not be a charm for me. I don't know who/where these things are being produced, but I'm thinking they're slapped together by kids in a dilapidated warehouse in some Mexican town, whose citizens are more concerned with rampant poverty, drug gangs and cockfights. Add to this the difficulty in getting HD programming at all where I live, and the continuing demise of TV shows/pro sports/movies in general, and I'm wondering why I should bother.

3. ESPN. The demise of the standard bearer for all sports networks is pretty sad, really. "SportsCenter" has officially become a soul crushing bore filled with overanalysis and the latest Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds news at every turn, with little time for actual game highlights. Meanwhile, every other show on the channel features "sports reporters" yelling at each other, the pregame shows are longer than the actual games are, and the postgame shows feature enlightening insight such as Chris Berman's annoying shtick and ancient musical references as current as "Hotel California". In the network's continuing strive towards complete irrelevancy, they decided to close out 2005 with their very first New Years Eve Show for the Mentally Challenged. I didn't tune in, but from what little I saw it featured (in order of importance): pretty flashing lights, sports highlight clips thrown in at every possible moment (all of them for some reason featuring the Michigan women's softball championship), Stewart Scott, Little Steven, The Troggs--what more could you ask for? Not only that, but ESPN replayed this ponderous piece of crap at 1 AM, countdown and all. Just when I thought there couldn't be anything more useless than that, they upped the ante by replaying the 1996 National Spelling Bee finals the next day. It's official: ESPN is now neither entertainment nor sports. Enjoy your "World Series of Poker", celebrity bowling shows, and "ESPN Hollywood", and Happy New Year from the Worldwide Leader of Shit!

2. Celebrities/movie stars/musicians taking advantage of their names to vocalize their negative political views. This isn't a new thing, it's just getting more and more pervasive and irritating. I'm not a big fan of politicians in general, but my opinion counts just as much as any actor who "once played a politician", or singers who never served our country but wrote fist-pumping rock anthem about the subject. Overall, it's the negativity in their approach that I could do without. It's fine if you don't agree with the current governmental policies, it's not enough to just deride it; how about you suggest a workable solution instead of distilling your agenda down to "Bush must go"? That's the one thing that's refreshing about the approach of Bono (and others): he doesn't just whine about the problem, he actually tries to solve the problem in a positive way. Oh, and the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin still lives in the United States, even though he said he was moving out if W got re-elected. If you're going to be a giant blowhard at least stick to your promises, or you're a hypocrite and a liar just like the politicians you complain about.

1. Pharmaceutical commercials. Ugh, I've had enough already. It's time to declare a moratorium on showing ads for anxiety, cholesterol, and dick drugs on TV. Here's the deal: if you don't feel well, go to your doctor and he'll suggest a proper drug for your aliment, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! If we can eradicate these commercials and the backwards thinking they've created, all of the major drug manufacturers would be forced to use the billions they spend on advertising and marketing every year and put it back into research. I know, it sounds too simple, it couldn't possibly work.

HAPPY 2006!!!