WORLD FAMOUS EYE-OPENER BLOG: NOT ASSOCIATED WITH CNN MONEY'S EYEOPENER WHO STOLE THE NAME: April 2006

Chuck Klosterman is an uber-geek-hipster, and I mean that in a good way. I'm currently reading his collection of essays called Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, which is so jam packed with pop culture that the milk spills out of the bowl as you try to consume it. In other words, it's right up my alley (after skipping the sections about the Real World). Not for the faint of heart, but very, very witty. He writes for SPIN and Esquire magazines, and also has a pretty well thought out article about baseball and Bonds on ESPN Page 2, the most telling quote being: "The end of numbers -- in the only realm where numbers matter".

Anyway, in the grand tradition of the blog (if it has any tradition at all), I decided to steal one of his SPIN articles verbatim and post it here, because I thought it was funny, and because there seem to be a lot of "lists" on the Eye-Opener lately.

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Forget the top 100 albums. Here are the top 10 other things that mattered.

Off the Record
By: Chuck Klosterman
June 20, 2005

For 20 years, Spin has saved your life. Are you interested in modern-rock bands like Nirvana and Kula Shaker? Read Spin. Did you once suspect that AIDS is not caused by HIV? Spin understands you. Are you being attacked by snow leopards and/or leprechauns on a daily basis? A Spin editor will personally come to your home and exterminate them. This is what we do.

As part of our ongoing messianic duties, this month's issue examines the 100 best records of the past two decades. I know what you're thinking: "But there must be more to life than mere albums, right?" Right! And maybe someone needs to rank those things, right? Perhaps! So here they are: The Ten Best Proper Nouns of the Spin Era That Are Not Albums (or EPs), as Selected by People Who Are Currently in My Office.

10. "Paradise City," Guns N' Roses (rock video, 1988) Dressed like a glam-metal Tom Wolfe and chucking his sunglasses at no one in particular, Axl Rose came dangerously close to making GNR the new incarnation of the Rolling Stones. Which was what everyone was hoping would happen, and (obviously) didn't happen, or even come close to happening. But this video could not be any better than it is, particularly when Steven Adler points at New York City from a boat, unconsciously implying that this place is, in fact, where the girls are pretty.

9. Slacker, Richard Linklater (indie film, 1991) If you watch this movie today, it feels cliche; so many people have copied Linklater's aesthetic that the novelty is gone. But there was a time when Slacker seemed profoundly weird, and when the idea of telling stories without narrative was mildly revolutionary, and when the people living inside this movie were alien hipsters who looked like all the people in your life whom you'd never actually met. The first time I watched Slacker was the summer of 1992. My friend and I kept waiting for the characters to eventually collide with each other. They never did, so we immediately watched it again. They didn't collide the second time, either. But they kind of do now.

8. "Cut Your Hair" video, Pavement, as critiqued on Beavis and Butt-head (mixed media, 1994) Beavis frenetically implores the band to try harder, and they do not respond. Retrospectively incisive!

7. "Setting Sun," the Chemical Brothers with Noel Gallagher (single, 1996) After this song came out, everybody was supposed to start listening to electronica because it was going to be the new rock'n'roll. I spent a lot of intellectual energy preparing for this, and I was pretty stoked about the potential drugs. As it turns out, electronica was the musical equivalent of New Coke. But "Setting Sun" was rather mind-accelerating (both then and now). Also, I miss coming home from the bar during telecasts of MTV's Amp.

6. Mike Tyson (force of nature, 1986–1990) Before he became a self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal (or more accurately, before he became a public self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal), seeing Mike Tyson punch people in the rib cage was like witnessing the 1945 atomic-bomb tests in rural New Mexico. In the early '90s I once watched a highlight reel of Tyson knockouts with a roomful of intoxicated medical students who punctuated every blow with phrases like "Ooh! That's gonna generate some pancreatic inflammation!" and "Oof! I can't believe that dude's sternum didn't just collapse." Those were good times.

5. Mitch Hedberg (comedian, 1968–2005) The funniest comedian of the past 20 years, dead at age 37 (for no goddamn reason). And Jimmy Fallon will probably live to be 110.

4. "All I Want for Christmas Is You," Mariah Carey (feel-good hit of the Advent, 1994) Definitely the best Christmas song since "Christmas Wrapping" (the Waitresses), possibly the best Christmas song since "Jesus Christ" (Big Star), and arguably the best Christmas song since "O Little Town of Bethlehem" (various artists).

3. The first episode of Freaks and Geeks (doomed TV show, 1999) This pilot's closing scene (set at the high school homecoming dance, featuring "Come Sail Away" by Styx) is better than 90 percent of what's been on network television since 1986.

2. The S1Ws (paramilitary hip-hop accoutrement, 1987–1990) It's hard to imagine a better job than being an operative in Public Enemy's "Security of the First World," an occupation that primarily involved marching around like a Black Panther while a man wearing a kitchen clock bemoaned the response time of EMTs. However, this vocation required more versatility than I realized at the time; in the recently released PE documentary, It Takes a Nation: London Invasion 1987, Professor Griff mentions that the S1Ws were also available to provide crowd control at random social functions (although I assume that did not include bar mitzvahs).

1. The "J Mascis Is God" cover of Spin (magazine, 1993) How crazy was that?

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Chuck Klosterman is the author of "Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story" and is a senior writer for Spin magazine and columnist for Esquire. He writes once a month for ESPN Page 2.

Karl started this Eye-Opener timekiller this afternoon:

Currently, there is an admission test that a student must pass in order to get into kindergarten. In your opinion, what should be on the test?

From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:07 PM
I think potty training needs to be on there. Also, the child should have to demonstrate some proficiency with small firearms, for public schools at least.

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:17 PM
I first thought the child should be able to distinguish a corkscrew from a bottle opener, and matches from a lighter.
Now, I think that the child should know that a squared plus b squared equals c squared.
T/F: I think they should be tested to see whether they think there is such thing as the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and an inexpensive lawyer.
They should be able to construct a well-thought-out essay on what is the most important invention of all time and why.

From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:29 PM
Q. Which of these should you kick? (choose all that apply)
a. a soccer ball
b. a stray dog
c. a fire hydrant
d. a $500/day smack habit

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:40 PM
I want to attend this Kindergarten because: (choose all that may apply)
a. Homeschooling a hippie fraud on the next generation
b. My mom wants to sleep with the gardener
c. I want to be the next JB Hunt
d. I'm under-infected and overmotivated toward learning
e. Otherwise, the lawsuit would be considered frivolous

From: Rob
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:01 PM
You are currently $30,000 in debt to the US government - True or False?

from: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:11 PM
Which one of the following is most important to you?
a. Government funding for health care and education
b. Freedom of speech
c. Racial equality
d. "The Wiggles"

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:16 PM
Which of the following do not belong:
a. vermouth
b. gin
c. olive
d. scotch

From: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:20 PM
How would you describe yourself?
a. "I am an outside-the-sandbox thinker."
b. "I am a proactive potty trainee."
c. "I am in tune with my core nap-time competencies."
d. "I like vanilla!"

From: Jeff K
Sent: 4/20/06, 3:37 PM
What do you feel is the greatest danger to the future of the United States?
a. Obesity
b. Global warming
c. Terrorism
d. Outsourcing
e. The Boogeyman

From: Karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:26 PM
I would consider myself to be:
a. the luckiest man on the face of the earth
b. likely to win the murder case, but lose the civil suit.
c. unlikely to aspire to the heights of say -a high school guidance counselor.
d. Pretty good at XBOX.

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:34 PM
These things really existed. True or false:
1. film photography
2. black and white television
3. respected politicians
4. smoking in public buildings and airplanes
5. white NBA players

From: Jeff K
Sne: 04/20/2006 03:51 PM
Which are you most adept at?
a. Singing songs
b. The see-saw
c. Digging
d. Taking orders

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:55 PM
What's the most valuable item per pound?
a. marijuana
b. diamonds
c. platinum
d. Bill Gates

From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 4:17 PM
Which of the following is a word:
a. IPOD
b. XBOX
c. IBEX
d. LOL