Here's a new feature where I break down the lyrics of a song and explain why I have such intense hatred for the songwriter responsible for it. Here we go!
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I must have been through about a million girls
Oh really? A million, eh? Hmmm, that sounds like an awful lot. I noticed he says "about", so I suppose this is a conservative estimate. Even so, the claimed number of sexual conquests is approximately equal to the number of females aged 18 to 65 in the entire state of Utah. So if we assume that the author began dating at age 15 and wrote this song at age 29, that's 15 years, or 5480 days (with leap years), meaning he would have to "gone through" almost 183 girls a day. No one can go through that many cigarettes in a day. Of course, if his name is to be believed and he is truly an "elven bishop", it's possible that he is a magical immortal being who is also the leader of a Mormon church, thus making his claim more plausible. Let's move on.
I'd love 'em and I'd leave 'em alone
If his definition of "lovin'" and "being through" various women actually consists of sex with each and every one of them, we're talking one girl every 9 minutes, without sleeping. At this rate, I'm not sure that most of them would even realize that he "left 'em alone".
I didn't care how much they cried, no sir
It would be hard to build an emotional connection to anyone when your world is moving at 8 girls an hour, but this seems particularly heartless.
Their tears left me cold as a stone
This line proves that he is merely a sex machine with no soul (which is the polar opposite of James Brown).
But then I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Since I met you baby
This song took a dramatic shift in subject with the chorus. When the word "love" is in the title of a song, we have to ask "Who is this written to?" Clearly, this song is written for a woman that the author "ended up with". That's a hell of a way to start off a love song. Plus, all of that bragging is lost on a woman; all it says to her is that you're a walking STD that has probably fathered 10,000 illegitimate children (assuming birth control is 99% effective).
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Free, on my own that's the way I used to be
Bad move: you will NEVER score points with a chick by stating how much you miss your freedom.
Ah, but since I met you baby
Love's got a hold on me
Instead of blaming the woman, he's blaming his loss of independence on a completely obtuse notion of "love". Scapegoatism at its finest. Pure transference.
It's got a hold on me now
I can't let go of you baby
I'm thinking that there must be some sort of blackmail involved that does not allow him to "let go", but he doesn't elaborate.
I can't stop lovin' you now
'Cause I fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around, fell in love
Wait, so is he going to whip out this song for their 40th anniversary? I hope to God that doesn't happen. If there is any God, this chick would have left him after this song came out.
Fooled around, fooled around, yes I did
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
I fell in love, yes I did
Yes. Indeed. How fucking romantic.