WHAT'S MY BEEF TODAY?

That's another thing. It's a STATE LAW that you can't talk on the phone while driving in New York, but it's perfectly fine to simultaneously drink your Starbucks latte, eat a Slim Fast bar, fix your hair in the rear view mirror, write out a check, tend to the kids in the back seat, stare at the GPS display, hold a rat-sized dog on your lap, and change all 6 CDs, while driving the incorrect way through a parking lot with angled spaces and arrow-shaped markings that clearly indicate which way you should be driving. Brilliant!

I actually had someone glare at ME yesterday after I had to swerve out of the way of his car, which was going the wrong way in the parking lot, as I pointed and mouthed "wrong way" to try to illustrate how he was in error. So I'm the bad guy for pointing out his ignorance. Amazing. Well, it might have been the finger that I pointed with that he took offense to . . .

Karl had an idea for "The Shave-Phone™":

I think the shave-phone is the next thing I'll buy. "But officer... I was shaving. I don't care what you thought you saw."

The dual-purpose vibrate function gives you a closer shave, while indicating that you have an incoming call!

And is there any technical term worse than "Bluetooth"? It makes it sound like you have a nasty dental problem that needs immediate attention.

Rob said he didn't watch the entire movie, but I just wanted to point out that the ending of that new Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch "Planet of the Apes" movie defies all logic. It's almost as if Tim Burton didn't even understand the ending of the original one, so he thought there was nothing wrong with his completely incongruous and implausible ending. I watched that thinking, "WTF? But why was--? How could they--? Did the apes travel back in time with Marty McFly?" Ponderous, f***ing ponderous.

And what is with those off-white colored uniforms that the San Diego Padres are wearing? Is that ecru or eggshell? Actually, it looks like our old cream colored 1972 Dodge Dart with the blue vinyl seats. Hideous.

Remember Jay Leno's "What's my beef?" back when he and David Letterman were funny? Does anybody remember laughter?

Check out Bill Simmons' column for some great non sequitur writing (with some sports thrown in there):
Bill Simmons: Another edition of the Ramblings.

·Only the NHL would decide one day, "Hey, let's switch it around, we'll have the home teams wear dark uniforms. This won't be confusing at all."
·Part of me can't wait for "The Sopranos" to wrap up, just so the kid who plays A.J. Soprano can finally go off the deep end and become the next Adam Rich.
·Speaking of TV series, it's been 10 years ... why hasn't "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" been spun off into his own series yet? Would anyone have been against this? Has there ever been a character with more potential who received less screen time, with the possible exception of coach Fenstock? Even the title of the show would have been cool: "The Wolf." I don't get it.
·Was Jesse Palmer just sitting around thinking, "What's the most drastic thing I could do that will make it pretty much impossible for people to take me seriously as a QB for the rest of eternity? How can I throw away my entire career in one fell swoop? There's must be something I can do. Hey ... wait a second ..."
·When the NHL lockout happens this summer, shouldn't we cryogenically freeze Barry Melrose like the British did with Austin Powers?

ADVERTEASING/FIGHT THE M3POWER™

I'm thankful for advertising every day. If it wasn't for ads, I wouldn't know what to buy, or have anything to complain about. I like it when they qualify these car sales claims with "The best selling mid-size luxury SUV in its class!". Well, your car is the ONLY mid-size luxury SUV on the market! And then they go one step further to say it's in a class by itself.

Isn't it false advertising to call your team the "White Sox", when they clearly wear black socks? "Take a look in my binoculars, dear! This is clearly NOT the team I paid good money to see! Come on, we're leaving, and I'm demanding a refund!"

They should start marketing XTREME cigarettes. CAMEL XTREME CANCER RISK UNFILTERED MENTHOL LIGHTS!

By the way, I'm pleased to announce that Gillette is no longer standing with their c**ks in their hands selling three blades and a strip. They now have a battery operated razor! Introducing the M3Power™ with Micro-Power™ and PowerGlide™ blades! I like how they name their shaving "technology"; some are hyphenated, while others clearly deserve InterCapitalization. Being a person that shaves, I had to find out more about this "technology"!

According to the website, "a motor sends micro-pulses to the blades [which] raise[s] hair up and away from skin so you can shave closer". Oooo, "micro-pulses" (another hyphen)! So that means the whole thing vibrates. Great. And not only do I have to constantly buy expensive new razor cartridges, I also have to replace the battery! Super. I wonder, how many "micro-meters" thin are the new PowerGlide™ blades? Well, that nebulous, vague description of what these incredibly sharp razor blades are really doing to my face sure does satisfy me, so there was no need for them to explain any further. But as if they were Mind-Readers™, Gillette anticipated the next burning question I had:

How do I use M3Power™?
Press the button to turn on M3Power™. Shave normally. Press the button again to turn it off.

Wow, I would NEVER have thought of that! But here's my favorite part of the website:

Here's what men who have tried it have to say about their shaving experience:
"The micro-pulses seemed to make the shave closer."
(But what the hell do I know? That's what it said on the box.)

"After trying the razor for the first time, I really liked how it felt. I knew it was safe to use."
(Well, honestly, I don't know for sure if it's safe, it was just a hunch. But it didn't remove the top layer of skin, and I didn't get a shock, so it MUST be safe. Right?)

I wish these websites would be up front and say, "Here's what our team of marketing guys and lawyers came up to convince you to spend $15 on this thing."

A planet where apes evolved from man? If they only had Gillette razors, you wouldn't be able to tell who was who! Get your hands off of my M3Power™, you damn dirty ape!


-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2004 9:48 AM

Speaking of scratching off your skin, I watched "Planet of the Apes" the other night. If not for Estella Warren there would not be a single watchable moment in this film. But how did she always have lipstick on? Too bad they didn't stick to the original and not allow the humans to talk. Even the apes thought her acting technique needed to evolve for another million years or so. In the immortal words of Jay Sherman, "If the movie stinks, just don't go. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic".


"Vertullo, Robert G
05/27/2004 08:45 AM

Is it happy hour yet? Ughhhhh.

We really should be thankful for advertising. It gives so much opportunity for showcasing the insidious evil of corporate America and the mindless apathy of the average American. Today's topic: The hottest selling. We've all heard the ads. "The Ford Vapid is the hottest selling car in the Tri-State area!!!" Never mind that the "Tri-State area is rather ill defined and amorphous. The real question is, on what scale are they measuring the hotness of car sales? Kelvin? The Florentine Thermoscope? Is this any reason to buy a car? Because it's the hottest selling? I wonder what other immeasurable quantities advertisers can use to promote sales. "Chevy trucks are the smoothest selling trucks in the few blocks around where my grandmother lives" "Sales of the Mazda Minutia are totally shiny this month!" Jeff, go to a car dealer and tell them you want to know what the tallest selling vehicle on the lot is. Then be like, "no, I'm not talking about headroom, I want the tallest SELLING car. Jeez, you people just don't get it"

Oh by the way, there's volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge. Does this need to be in every traffic report? Just have that as the default, and in the unlikely event that there isn't volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge, you can tell us.

Lots of upsets at the French Open. Hey, do you really want to win in a country that gives awards and accolades to Michael Moore? I heard most of the players, in a tribute to the French military, are simply giving up after the first game.

A French construction company is speculating that the airport collapse was probably caused by construction errors. For example, the hiring of a French construction company. Also cited was the 45 minute work day construction workers demanded, and the fact that a good portion of the "concrete" used was actually just day old baguettes. Construction foreman Jean Phillipe Gaston de Rue Marquis Versailles said, "Perhaps eef we ad some jugglers on ze site, we do a better job, eh?"