WHAT'S MY BEEF TODAY?

That's another thing. It's a STATE LAW that you can't talk on the phone while driving in New York, but it's perfectly fine to simultaneously drink your Starbucks latte, eat a Slim Fast bar, fix your hair in the rear view mirror, write out a check, tend to the kids in the back seat, stare at the GPS display, hold a rat-sized dog on your lap, and change all 6 CDs, while driving the incorrect way through a parking lot with angled spaces and arrow-shaped markings that clearly indicate which way you should be driving. Brilliant!

I actually had someone glare at ME yesterday after I had to swerve out of the way of his car, which was going the wrong way in the parking lot, as I pointed and mouthed "wrong way" to try to illustrate how he was in error. So I'm the bad guy for pointing out his ignorance. Amazing. Well, it might have been the finger that I pointed with that he took offense to . . .

Karl had an idea for "The Shave-Phone™":

I think the shave-phone is the next thing I'll buy. "But officer... I was shaving. I don't care what you thought you saw."

The dual-purpose vibrate function gives you a closer shave, while indicating that you have an incoming call!

And is there any technical term worse than "Bluetooth"? It makes it sound like you have a nasty dental problem that needs immediate attention.

Rob said he didn't watch the entire movie, but I just wanted to point out that the ending of that new Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch "Planet of the Apes" movie defies all logic. It's almost as if Tim Burton didn't even understand the ending of the original one, so he thought there was nothing wrong with his completely incongruous and implausible ending. I watched that thinking, "WTF? But why was--? How could they--? Did the apes travel back in time with Marty McFly?" Ponderous, f***ing ponderous.

And what is with those off-white colored uniforms that the San Diego Padres are wearing? Is that ecru or eggshell? Actually, it looks like our old cream colored 1972 Dodge Dart with the blue vinyl seats. Hideous.

Remember Jay Leno's "What's my beef?" back when he and David Letterman were funny? Does anybody remember laughter?

Check out Bill Simmons' column for some great non sequitur writing (with some sports thrown in there):
Bill Simmons: Another edition of the Ramblings.

·Only the NHL would decide one day, "Hey, let's switch it around, we'll have the home teams wear dark uniforms. This won't be confusing at all."
·Part of me can't wait for "The Sopranos" to wrap up, just so the kid who plays A.J. Soprano can finally go off the deep end and become the next Adam Rich.
·Speaking of TV series, it's been 10 years ... why hasn't "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" been spun off into his own series yet? Would anyone have been against this? Has there ever been a character with more potential who received less screen time, with the possible exception of coach Fenstock? Even the title of the show would have been cool: "The Wolf." I don't get it.
·Was Jesse Palmer just sitting around thinking, "What's the most drastic thing I could do that will make it pretty much impossible for people to take me seriously as a QB for the rest of eternity? How can I throw away my entire career in one fell swoop? There's must be something I can do. Hey ... wait a second ..."
·When the NHL lockout happens this summer, shouldn't we cryogenically freeze Barry Melrose like the British did with Austin Powers?