ADVERTEASING/FIGHT THE M3POWER™

I'm thankful for advertising every day. If it wasn't for ads, I wouldn't know what to buy, or have anything to complain about. I like it when they qualify these car sales claims with "The best selling mid-size luxury SUV in its class!". Well, your car is the ONLY mid-size luxury SUV on the market! And then they go one step further to say it's in a class by itself.

Isn't it false advertising to call your team the "White Sox", when they clearly wear black socks? "Take a look in my binoculars, dear! This is clearly NOT the team I paid good money to see! Come on, we're leaving, and I'm demanding a refund!"

They should start marketing XTREME cigarettes. CAMEL XTREME CANCER RISK UNFILTERED MENTHOL LIGHTS!

By the way, I'm pleased to announce that Gillette is no longer standing with their c**ks in their hands selling three blades and a strip. They now have a battery operated razor! Introducing the M3Power™ with Micro-Power™ and PowerGlide™ blades! I like how they name their shaving "technology"; some are hyphenated, while others clearly deserve InterCapitalization. Being a person that shaves, I had to find out more about this "technology"!

According to the website, "a motor sends micro-pulses to the blades [which] raise[s] hair up and away from skin so you can shave closer". Oooo, "micro-pulses" (another hyphen)! So that means the whole thing vibrates. Great. And not only do I have to constantly buy expensive new razor cartridges, I also have to replace the battery! Super. I wonder, how many "micro-meters" thin are the new PowerGlide™ blades? Well, that nebulous, vague description of what these incredibly sharp razor blades are really doing to my face sure does satisfy me, so there was no need for them to explain any further. But as if they were Mind-Readers™, Gillette anticipated the next burning question I had:

How do I use M3Power™?
Press the button to turn on M3Power™. Shave normally. Press the button again to turn it off.

Wow, I would NEVER have thought of that! But here's my favorite part of the website:

Here's what men who have tried it have to say about their shaving experience:
"The micro-pulses seemed to make the shave closer."
(But what the hell do I know? That's what it said on the box.)

"After trying the razor for the first time, I really liked how it felt. I knew it was safe to use."
(Well, honestly, I don't know for sure if it's safe, it was just a hunch. But it didn't remove the top layer of skin, and I didn't get a shock, so it MUST be safe. Right?)

I wish these websites would be up front and say, "Here's what our team of marketing guys and lawyers came up to convince you to spend $15 on this thing."

A planet where apes evolved from man? If they only had Gillette razors, you wouldn't be able to tell who was who! Get your hands off of my M3Power™, you damn dirty ape!


-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2004 9:48 AM

Speaking of scratching off your skin, I watched "Planet of the Apes" the other night. If not for Estella Warren there would not be a single watchable moment in this film. But how did she always have lipstick on? Too bad they didn't stick to the original and not allow the humans to talk. Even the apes thought her acting technique needed to evolve for another million years or so. In the immortal words of Jay Sherman, "If the movie stinks, just don't go. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic".


"Vertullo, Robert G
05/27/2004 08:45 AM

Is it happy hour yet? Ughhhhh.

We really should be thankful for advertising. It gives so much opportunity for showcasing the insidious evil of corporate America and the mindless apathy of the average American. Today's topic: The hottest selling. We've all heard the ads. "The Ford Vapid is the hottest selling car in the Tri-State area!!!" Never mind that the "Tri-State area is rather ill defined and amorphous. The real question is, on what scale are they measuring the hotness of car sales? Kelvin? The Florentine Thermoscope? Is this any reason to buy a car? Because it's the hottest selling? I wonder what other immeasurable quantities advertisers can use to promote sales. "Chevy trucks are the smoothest selling trucks in the few blocks around where my grandmother lives" "Sales of the Mazda Minutia are totally shiny this month!" Jeff, go to a car dealer and tell them you want to know what the tallest selling vehicle on the lot is. Then be like, "no, I'm not talking about headroom, I want the tallest SELLING car. Jeez, you people just don't get it"

Oh by the way, there's volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge. Does this need to be in every traffic report? Just have that as the default, and in the unlikely event that there isn't volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge, you can tell us.

Lots of upsets at the French Open. Hey, do you really want to win in a country that gives awards and accolades to Michael Moore? I heard most of the players, in a tribute to the French military, are simply giving up after the first game.

A French construction company is speculating that the airport collapse was probably caused by construction errors. For example, the hiring of a French construction company. Also cited was the 45 minute work day construction workers demanded, and the fact that a good portion of the "concrete" used was actually just day old baguettes. Construction foreman Jean Phillipe Gaston de Rue Marquis Versailles said, "Perhaps eef we ad some jugglers on ze site, we do a better job, eh?"