HOOTIE AND THE FILET-O-FISH. Ladies and gentlemen, Darius Rucker has left the building. The lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish, who sold an astonishing 16 million copies of 1994's "Cracked Rear View" album (currently, the 14th best selling album of all-time, of which about 15 million copies can currently be found in used CD bins), has been reduced to shilling for Burger King. Done up in a big ol' cowboy hat and western wear, the singer can now be seen and heard selling some "Cardiac Bacon Ranch Sandwich" (or something) to the tune of "Big Rock Candy Mountain", in the hamburger giant's horrendously awful new commercial.
A little part of me laughed inside when I saw this guy, who was on top of the music world a mere 10 years ago (14th best selling album of all-time), in this ridiculous ad. No, that's not accurate: I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw it, nearly pulling a oblique muscle in the process. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Well, I mean he sold a lot of records, not that he's mighty talented. Anyway, I sure hope the paycheck was good.
DINGERS! DINGERS! On ESPN SportsCenter the other day, they asked Tim Kurtjkiajijkajijan, "Now that the games are starting, will the focus finally be taken away from steroids?" He basically said, "Gee, I sure hope so." Well, I disagree (and if I agreed, I guess I wouldn't be typing this). What better time to focus on who is cheating and who isn't by watching which of these bloated batsmen can still hit a 600 foot home run during a spring training game? But I guess it's perfectly fine for Barry Bonds to mock the press by calling their steroid-related questions "reruns", before putting on his size 15 3/4 hat and trotting back out on the field.
In the immortal words of Mark McGwire: "Do you want to know the terrifying truth about Major League Baseball, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?" When he said that on "The Simpsons" back in 2000 ("Brother's Little Helper"), who knew how prophetic that statement would be? I have a feeling that the overwhelming response from most Americans is the chant of: "Dingers! Dingers! Dingers!" As for me, it's about time these guys told us the terrifying truth, which has ruined the integrity of this sport, as well as my affection for it.
WORD OF MOUTH. This story is amazing. During last year's deadly tsunami, only 7 out of the 75,000 inhabitants of the Indonesian island of Simeulue died, because they fled to higher ground after recalling stories passed down from generation to generation of a "semong", a giant killer wave that ravaged the island in 1907. Only seven?!? That's unbelieveable.
FROM: Hester Bstltom
SUBJECT: Identical pharmaceuticals -- gnomish price!
This latest turd that I found floating in my inbox raises so many questions. Are you offering me the ACTUAL brand name prescription pharmaceuticals, or are they just identical LOOKING? If you offer generic drugs, should I assume that in this case "identical" means "bioequivalent"? I'm also a bit confused about the price - you claim they are gnomish? Even though I'm well versed in Tolkien's work, I looked it up anyway; it's an adjective meaning "used of small deformed creatures". So are these prices only available to such creatures? Do they need these pharmaceuticals because of their deformities, or have they become "gnomish" because of your low-grade knockoff drugs? Please, Ms. Bstltom, what do you mean? And why do I feel like I'm in a dark alley being solicited by a guy behind a dumpster when I see these e-mails?
CHEAP DRUGS, WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOOT, EH? On a similar note, when I was in Florida last week I saw a store called "Discount Drugs of Canada". What does this mean? Are they a pharmacy? Can they actually get you "identical" pharmaceuticals at Canadian prices? Is that legal? Or is everything they sell wrapped in back bacon, with a notice, "Drink a whole glass of Molson when taking this drug"? What the hell is going on there?