GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH

I usually like to keep it light and airy on this blog, but I just had to mention this particularly scary topic concerning the North Pacific (Subtropical) Gyre. Gyres can be thought of as "ocean deserts", giant areas of the ocean surrounded by swirling ocean currents and dominated by high pressure systems. They take up about 40% of the world's oceans, are low in biomass, and largely avoided by sailors. This particular gyre, however, is also known as the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch", as by all accounts it includes an area that is a huge vortex filled with collected garbage. In past years this flotsam would biodegrade, but now its filled with photo-degrading plastic, which cannot be naturally recycled and contains toxins like PCPs. One study in the gyre determined that the plastic bits outnumber zooplankton (the ocean's most prevalent animal organism) by a ratio of 6:1. Over the past few decades, Nike shoes, hockey equipment, and bathtub toys have been spilled into the Gyre by passing cargo ships, and washed up onshore years later. Numerous sea birds around the world have been found dead with plastic filling their stomachs and intestines as the plastic has entered the oceanic food chain. This phenomenon is only going to get worse, as plastic usage is increasing and billions of tons of plastic pellets are created every year.

Now that's scary.

[Don't worry, I'll have some dick jokes for you later.]

North Pacific Gyre [Wikipedia]
Trashed - Across the Pacific Ocean, plastics, plastics, everywhere, by Charles Moore [Natural History Magazine]
Beachcombing Science from Bath Toys [Beachcombers.org]
The Problem with Plastic: Waves of Junk Are Flowing Into Food Chain [The Seattle Times]
Plastic in the Plankton [ACF]
Plastic Pellets in the Aquatic Environment [EPA]

IN DEFENSE OF PLUTO

In a stunning announcement sure to be made into a blockbuster Hollywood motion picture, a bunch of scientists somewhere have determined that Pluto is not a planet. This demotion has sent shockwaves throughout the solar system. Now considered a "dwarf planet", an offensive term which will no doubt be replaced by "mass-challenged planet", this celestial object has fallen on the hardest of times with this announcement.

Pluto was thought to be first discovered in the roaring 20s, when some guy with a telescope believed he saw a planetary body beyond Neptune, which turned out to be his own cataracts. The following year, 1930, an actual astronomer found it. People from all over the globe were fascinated by this icy remote world, as they yearned for a planet where the days lasted for 6.4 Earth days, where one could enjoy 6 full Earth days of vacation for every Pluto workday. Dirigibles and flapping-contraptions were fashioned out of canvas and cornhusks by those who one day dreamed to live on its frozen surface and breathe its nitrogenous wonders; cartoon animals, dances and songs ("Oh My, My Ninth Wonder In The Sky!" was a #1 hit for Cyrus K. Skywatcher in 1931) were created in its honor; President Hoover famously invited it to the White House for a special coronation ceremony (until it was explained to him that this would be impossible). In the time of great global depression, what was more romantic than a planet with unlimited amounts of green cheese to eat, lovingly named after the Roman god of the underworld? The possibilities seemed limitless.

Pluto seemed to take its 9th-man-in status in stride; however, in the late 20th century, Pluto began to fall even further out of favor. Once considered an ideal candidate for a new space colony, it was determined to be a very inhospitable planet; not only is it smaller and colder than the United States, but there are considerably less Wal-Mart Supercenters dotting its surface. This sent the planet reeling, and it began orbiting erratically around the Sun, even veering into Neptune's lane for 20 years and coming dangerously close (tens of millions of miles) to colliding with it. Pluto was then placed under 24 hour surveillance by astronomers worldwide. In 1999, it meandered back into its proper place as the most distant planet, but it had cemented its fate as the black sheep of the solar system.

Pluto has had well documented ups and downs over the years, but this latest announcement is surely its nadir. The entire argument is based on the definition of a "planet", which is a target of debate, and surely ridicule should you argue this topic aloud. "Planet" is defined as (by Merriam Webster):
1 a : any of the seven celestial bodies sun, moon, Venus, Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, and Saturn that in ancient belief have motions of their own among the fixed stars b (1) : any of the large bodies that revolve around the sun in the solar system (2) : a similar body associated with another star

Whoa, hold on. Since when is the Sun a planet? Okay, Merriam has clearly been drinking the hard stuff. Screw her, instead let's consult the experts (or "people who spend way too much time pondering such things"). "Planet" is currently defined as:
a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.

(Cleared the neighborhood? What the hell does that mean? And what's wrong with not being round? Hasn't the Earth been determined to be not actually round, but rather an oblate spheroid? But I digress.)

Today's announcement that Pluto no longer is accepted in the planetary community hardly seems a surprise, especially when you consider that the hearts of these astronomers are as cold as Pluto's icy, rocky surface, and not coincedentally, most of these scientists reek much like its methane-rich ice chunks. However, I refuse to listen to the same people who nickamed planetary candidate 2003 UB313 "Xena", a 20th century television character popular with insufferable geeks. (Actually, I test drove the 2003 UB313, I'm not sure why they discontinued it.) I, for one, am willing to overlook Pluto's transgressions and reinstate its status as a planet. The world must realize that no solar system body is perfect, and I feel this plucky little planet has paid its dues for billions of years, and has the ability to straighten up and fly right. Personally, I have no problems as pertains to planet Pluto, and if you have any sense, you won't either. As long as it doesn't touch Uranus.

So vote now, and make your voice heard all the way to Pluto!

(Before I get thousands of e-mails, yes I am aware that since there's no atmosphere that's technically impossible to hear your voice in space; it was just a play on words.)

UPDATE: With over 25,000 responses registered, 51% agree that Pluto ROCKS! In your face, space dorks!

DRAT! FOILED AGAIN!

Whew, that was close. But I feel safe now that a genuine terror plot has been foiled, with British-born Muslim extremists planning to blow up planes with liquid explosives, or something to that effect. I've been told this was "the real deal", that they were really going to do it. Hey, since I don't have all the information, how can I not believe it? I'm just thankful that all these alleged terror threats have been foiled. See also:

The foiled terror threat in Toronto (6/3/2006)
The foiled terror threat to blow up the Sears Tower in Chicago (6/23/06)
The foiled terror threat to blow up New York's tunnels (7/8/2006)
The foiled terror threat in Australia (11/8/2005)
Let's not forget the foiled terror threat in L.A., which was planned in 2002, which Bush only told us about on 2/9/2006.
Oh, and the other 10 foiled terror threats that were announced back on 10/7/2005.

Man, that's a lot of foiling! I really think we are going to win this war on terror!

Remember, people, our current airline terror alert level is CODE ELMO, REPEAT, CODE ELMO!!!




Elmo: Flights from the UK
Ernie: All commercial flights
Bert: Everything else

-----Original Message----- GREAT WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT

We're in the midst of a brutal heat wave here in the Northeast, with temperatures here in New City of 100.6° (8/1), 101.3° (8/2) and 100.3° (8/3) the last few days. Being a scientist of some sort, I prefer Celsius except when it comes to weather. There's nothing quite like the announcement that we're going to have TRIPLE DIGIT TEMPERATURES. "100" is such a cool, deadly round number, and sounds much better than "It's going to be 37.5° out there, so be careful."

Karl got the ball rolling, and Rob, Kris and I came up with some ways to beat the heat of summer '06. Enjoy.
____________________________________

Wear a testosterone patch on your privates during long bike ride. (kw)

Sneak into country club, play 2 through 17, then take a swim in the pool. (rv)

Donate a pint of blood, replace it with freon. (jk)

Gin, with tonic keeps ice colder longer. (kw)

5 pound bags of ice in your underwear. (ks)

Instead of deodorant, slather Ben and Jerry’s Hazelnut Gelato under your arms. (rv)

Your air conditioning doesn't need to be turned on while you're at work. So stay at work later than usual. You don't actually have to DO work. (kw)

Schedule that business trip to Antarctica. (kw)

Rent out a prostitute to follow you around with a hand-held fan. (jk)

If you're fortunate enough to have a sunroof, put a hose into it to flood the interior of your car. (If not, at least you can fill it to the window.) It's like having your own moving pool. (kw)

Lots of visits to local morgues. (ks)

Earwax is SPF 20. Apply generously. (kw)

Drink liquid nitrogen martinis. (jk)

Before you go to bed, take your pair of underwear and socks for tomorrow, and put them in the freezer overnight. When you put them on, they'll keep you cool all day long. (kw)

Wear your labcoat to the supermarket and when no one is looking, sneak into the meat locker. If questioned, pretend to be running the bone saw. (rv)

Wear a down parka, wool hat, gloves and scarf while walking around outside. When you take it all off, it will feel really cold by comparison. (jk)

Take a shower in Gatorade, film it, sell it to Gatorade's commercial company, and take use the money to go to Alaska. (kw)

Two words: creamsicle suppository. (jk)

Avoid sweatstains by completely prewetting all your clothing. (kw)

Fill your waterbed with the contents of a Slurpee machine. (jk)

Wear a dampened turban on your head. (ks)

Tear a huge hole in the crotch of your pants for "circumvention" (kw)

Listen to your Vanilla Ice, Ice T and Ice Cube records. Also, pretend Bo Bice is actually Bob Ice. (rv)

Wiffle pants! (jk)