We're in the midst of a brutal heat wave here in the Northeast, with temperatures here in New City of 100.6° (8/1), 101.3° (8/2) and 100.3° (8/3) the last few days. Being a scientist of some sort, I prefer Celsius except when it comes to weather. There's nothing quite like the announcement that we're going to have TRIPLE DIGIT TEMPERATURES. "100" is such a cool, deadly round number, and sounds much better than "It's going to be 37.5° out there, so be careful."
Karl got the ball rolling, and Rob, Kris and I came up with some ways to beat the heat of summer '06. Enjoy.
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Wear a testosterone patch on your privates during long bike ride. (kw)
Sneak into country club, play 2 through 17, then take a swim in the pool. (rv)
Donate a pint of blood, replace it with freon. (jk)
Gin, with tonic keeps ice colder longer. (kw)
5 pound bags of ice in your underwear. (ks)
Instead of deodorant, slather Ben and Jerry’s Hazelnut Gelato under your arms. (rv)
Your air conditioning doesn't need to be turned on while you're at work. So stay at work later than usual. You don't actually have to DO work. (kw)
Schedule that business trip to Antarctica. (kw)
Rent out a prostitute to follow you around with a hand-held fan. (jk)
If you're fortunate enough to have a sunroof, put a hose into it to flood the interior of your car. (If not, at least you can fill it to the window.) It's like having your own moving pool. (kw)
Lots of visits to local morgues. (ks)
Earwax is SPF 20. Apply generously. (kw)
Drink liquid nitrogen martinis. (jk)
Before you go to bed, take your pair of underwear and socks for tomorrow, and put them in the freezer overnight. When you put them on, they'll keep you cool all day long. (kw)
Wear your labcoat to the supermarket and when no one is looking, sneak into the meat locker. If questioned, pretend to be running the bone saw. (rv)
Wear a down parka, wool hat, gloves and scarf while walking around outside. When you take it all off, it will feel really cold by comparison. (jk)
Take a shower in Gatorade, film it, sell it to Gatorade's commercial company, and take use the money to go to Alaska. (kw)
Two words: creamsicle suppository. (jk)
Avoid sweatstains by completely prewetting all your clothing. (kw)
Fill your waterbed with the contents of a Slurpee machine. (jk)
Wear a dampened turban on your head. (ks)
Tear a huge hole in the crotch of your pants for "circumvention" (kw)
Listen to your Vanilla Ice, Ice T and Ice Cube records. Also, pretend Bo Bice is actually Bob Ice. (rv)
Wiffle pants! (jk)