In a stunning announcement sure to be made into a blockbuster Hollywood motion picture, a bunch of scientists somewhere have determined that Pluto is not a planet. This demotion has sent shockwaves throughout the solar system. Now considered a "dwarf planet", an offensive term which will no doubt be replaced by "mass-challenged planet", this celestial object has fallen on the hardest of times with this announcement.
Pluto was thought to be first discovered in the roaring 20s, when some guy with a telescope believed he saw a planetary body beyond Neptune, which turned out to be his own cataracts. The following year, 1930, an actual astronomer found it. People from all over the globe were fascinated by this icy remote world, as they yearned for a planet where the days lasted for 6.4 Earth days, where one could enjoy 6 full Earth days of vacation for every Pluto workday. Dirigibles and flapping-contraptions were fashioned out of canvas and cornhusks by those who one day dreamed to live on its frozen surface and breathe its nitrogenous wonders; cartoon animals, dances and songs ("Oh My, My Ninth Wonder In The Sky!" was a #1 hit for Cyrus K. Skywatcher in 1931) were created in its honor; President Hoover famously invited it to the White House for a special coronation ceremony (until it was explained to him that this would be impossible). In the time of great global depression, what was more romantic than a planet with unlimited amounts of green cheese to eat, lovingly named after the Roman god of the underworld? The possibilities seemed limitless.
Pluto seemed to take its 9th-man-in status in stride; however, in the late 20th century, Pluto began to fall even further out of favor. Once considered an ideal candidate for a new space colony, it was determined to be a very inhospitable planet; not only is it smaller and colder than the United States, but there are considerably less Wal-Mart Supercenters dotting its surface. This sent the planet reeling, and it began orbiting erratically around the Sun, even veering into Neptune's lane for 20 years and coming dangerously close (tens of millions of miles) to colliding with it. Pluto was then placed under 24 hour surveillance by astronomers worldwide. In 1999, it meandered back into its proper place as the most distant planet, but it had cemented its fate as the black sheep of the solar system.
Pluto has had well documented ups and downs over the years, but this latest announcement is surely its nadir. The entire argument is based on the definition of a "planet", which is a target of debate, and surely ridicule should you argue this topic aloud. "Planet" is defined as (by Merriam Webster):
1 a : any of the seven celestial bodies sun, moon, Venus, Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, and Saturn that in ancient belief have motions of their own among the fixed stars b (1) : any of the large bodies that revolve around the sun in the solar system (2) : a similar body associated with another star
Whoa, hold on. Since when is the Sun a planet? Okay, Merriam has clearly been drinking the hard stuff. Screw her, instead let's consult the experts (or "people who spend way too much time pondering such things"). "Planet" is currently defined as:
a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.
(Cleared the neighborhood? What the hell does that mean? And what's wrong with not being round? Hasn't the Earth been determined to be not actually round, but rather an oblate spheroid? But I digress.)
Today's announcement that Pluto no longer is accepted in the planetary community hardly seems a surprise, especially when you consider that the hearts of these astronomers are as cold as Pluto's icy, rocky surface, and not coincedentally, most of these scientists reek much like its methane-rich ice chunks. However, I refuse to listen to the same people who nickamed planetary candidate 2003 UB313 "Xena", a 20th century television character popular with insufferable geeks. (Actually, I test drove the 2003 UB313, I'm not sure why they discontinued it.) I, for one, am willing to overlook Pluto's transgressions and reinstate its status as a planet. The world must realize that no solar system body is perfect, and I feel this plucky little planet has paid its dues for billions of years, and has the ability to straighten up and fly right. Personally, I have no problems as pertains to planet Pluto, and if you have any sense, you won't either. As long as it doesn't touch Uranus.
So vote now, and make your voice heard all the way to Pluto!
(Before I get thousands of e-mails, yes I am aware that since there's no atmosphere that's technically impossible to hear your voice in space; it was just a play on words.)
UPDATE: With over 25,000 responses registered, 51% agree that Pluto ROCKS! In your face, space dorks!