TOP TEN PROCLAMATIONS I WOULD MAKE IF I WERE KING
October 10, 2004
By: Rob Vertullo, Jeff Kammann, Kris Salo


10. Refrigerators refrigerate, toasters toast, but ovens don't oven, so from now on ovens shall be called "cookenators".

9. From now on, M&Ms are to only come in 3 colors. for ease of use they will be colors A,B and C: azure, blue and cerulean.

8. People will be forbidden to talk on the cell phone while on the toilet.

7. All government offices shall be closed during "Kiafest".

6. Whether it be a sport, potato chip flavor, or deodorant/antiperspirant, you are forbidden to use the term "extreme" in its name, unless it is scientifically proven to be so.

5. Before sporting events, The National Anthem shall be replaced by the stadium announcer reading a list of fans in attendance whose cars are currently being broken into.

4. The entire space program will be responsible for only two things: a) putting up new satellites that are created solely to spy on women in clothing store changing rooms, and; b) launching toxic waste into the sun.

3. Anyone who has $190,000 to travel into space on Virgin Galatic shall be required to give me $10,000 because they are too rich...

2. The New York Times shall be required to print at least one true story in each edition. The Weekly World News shall be consulted to verify the story.

1. Marijuana, heroin, PCP, morphine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, cocaine (including crack and original recipe), and hallucinogens such as LSD and ecstasy will now be considered legal substances. However, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and any foodstuffs produced using this material (including but not limited to: SPAM™, McDonald's™ hamburgers, Cheez Whiz™, Doritos™, Orville Redenbacher's™ Movie Theater Butter Flavored Microwave Popcorn), will be considered illegal substances.

...AND TOASTERS FOR ALL
by Jeff Kammann


Everyone is party crazy nowadays! What with engagements, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, christenings, confirmations, housewarmings, holidays, Flag Days--you're constantly scrambling to find a gift! My solution: buy 50 identical cheap toasters on sale at your local megamart, or get them wholesale if you can. Wrap all of them in the same nondescript bland off-white paper, attach a blank card to the top with the writing inside: "Congratulations!" and sign your name. Store these in your closet, and just grab one on your way out the door to said party. OPTIONAL: If you're feeling crazy, you can even write the name of the recipient of the gift on the attached card envelope. But don't go nuts; the invite only requires you to show up, not jump through any flaming fucking hoops.

Now, the recipient might something like, "Thanks . . . I guess", "I already have a toaster", or "The kid is only 3 months old!" But just use the foolproof response, "Everyone loves toast!" You can't argue with that! Meanwhile, behind your back, people might say, "I think I got the same toaster last year for my Super Bowl party", or "I have three of those already from my first two weddings." But hey, they threw this stupid party, these things happen; they'll have to go to the store and exchange it for something they actually want. But at least you weren't a complete low-life and didn't bring a gift at all, which some increasingly consider the worse offense known to mankind.

Problem solved! That's what I'm here for!

With all of the nonsense reality, renovation, and republican shows on cable TV, I've found that the most fascinating thing to watch are the local commercials. It's not only the bad video quality and the horrible sound, it's the content that truly shines through. Let me share with you a few of my favorites and my observations:

Huffman-Koos. This old-school furniture store is closing its doors forever, thanks to the evil IKEA empire and its ilk. So naturally, EVERYTHING MUST GO! FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE! WE'RE CLOSING OUR DOORS! However, if you read the fine print during the commercial, it says something like "Inventory Has Been Added To Supplement This Sale". Okay, so they're clearing everything out . . . while continuing to deliver new furniture? What? Why? What don't you understand about the word "clearance"?

West Nyack Saturn. This is a simple spot featuring "actual" interviews of "actual" customers who have had positive experiences at this dealership. And by the looks of it, there are no actors here, which is fine. But the last guy says, "I went here and found a great used Mercedes that I wouldn't have found anywhere else." Maybe I missed something, but exactly how does that get me to buy a Saturn? Do they really want people to show up to their dealership and say, "Don't you have anything else but these damn Saturns?"

Dan Buckey Ford. This local yokel implores you to "Buy American", which is a swell jingoistic idea--if it was 1956. But it's not so easy to do this anymore in this global economy, especially with cars, where you can't even keep track of where the parts are made and assembled. But the closing disclaimer by ol' Dan himself just baffles the Hell out of me, and I'll give a shiny new donkey to whoever can explain it:

"At Dan Buckey Ford, we are not flag wavers, but we are extremely patriotic."

What the flying Focus does that mean? Is that like saying, "We do not inhale, but we are huge pot smokers" (to paraphrase Bill Clinton)? Or is it more like, "We are not gay, but we can appreciate a sexy guy when we see one"? And what does that have to do with selling cars? Because I ain't buying no F-350 pickup from no flag wavin' queer!

YOU CAN KEEP JESUSLAND
by Kris Salo

Holy hell! This uproar about ABC showing a naked woman jump into Terrell Owens arms is just insane, no? I didn't see the skit, being that I have the obvious disadvantage of being 2000 miles away from the nearest ABC broadcast...But from what I have heard it sounds tame enough. I am sure no t!t was shown...And no Sunny Triangle either...What is the problem.

The other night on regular broadcast TV here (France 2) about equal to CBS. They showed the infamous Sharon Stone leg crossing scene from Basic Instinct about 20 times in a row...Ok, I exaggerate...It was probably 5 times...But still, right there on normal broadcast TV, probably at about 9 or 9:30 pm. No one is getting all wrinkled up about it...And I'm sure that there were kids watching this...We can debate up and down the problems with the French, but I don't think they are any more immoral than your average american...

And I'm sorry Tony Dungy, but shut the f--k up. "Play the race card...play it....PLAY IT!!" If it had been a white girl jumping into a white guys arms, well we aren't taking into account the fact that there are colored people. Black on Black...all blacks do are play sports and f--k. White man, black woman...White man is taking advantage of the obviously underprivledged colored woman. Hispanics, same problem as above.

I am actually outraged that this stereotypes men as sex-crazed fiends...oh wait...Nevermind, my outrage is gone.

This island that we're going to have...I'm not saying that we have to have 24/7 porn (i'm not saying that we don't either)...But let me tell you something. The TV is going to show life how it is...Shiny happy people holding hands.

I, for one, advocate the return of the subversive committees...Instead of seeking out reds this time, we're going to seek out all those who try to ruin the American way of life by putting words like sh!t on TV and showing non-frontal nudity after 9pm.

That's right, vote Line one SALO for US Senate in 2008...Wait, what's the minimum age for Senate...Ok scatch that, Salo line one for US House of Reps 2006. Someone's got to change this system, and those fat cats in Washington aren't doing sh...squat!!