by Jeff Kammann
Everyone is party crazy nowadays! What with engagements, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, christenings, confirmations, housewarmings, holidays, Flag Days--you're constantly scrambling to find a gift! My solution: buy 50 identical cheap toasters on sale at your local megamart, or get them wholesale if you can. Wrap all of them in the same nondescript bland off-white paper, attach a blank card to the top with the writing inside: "Congratulations!" and sign your name. Store these in your closet, and just grab one on your way out the door to said party. OPTIONAL: If you're feeling crazy, you can even write the name of the recipient of the gift on the attached card envelope. But don't go nuts; the invite only requires you to show up, not jump through any flaming fucking hoops.
Now, the recipient might something like, "Thanks . . . I guess", "I already have a toaster", or "The kid is only 3 months old!" But just use the foolproof response, "Everyone loves toast!" You can't argue with that! Meanwhile, behind your back, people might say, "I think I got the same toaster last year for my Super Bowl party", or "I have three of those already from my first two weddings." But hey, they threw this stupid party, these things happen; they'll have to go to the store and exchange it for something they actually want. But at least you weren't a complete low-life and didn't bring a gift at all, which some increasingly consider the worse offense known to mankind.
Problem solved! That's what I'm here for!