October 10, 2004
By: Rob Vertullo, Jeff Kammann, Kris Salo
10. Refrigerators refrigerate, toasters toast, but ovens don't oven, so from now on ovens shall be called "cookenators".
9. From now on, M&Ms are to only come in 3 colors. for ease of use they will be colors A,B and C: azure, blue and cerulean.
8. People will be forbidden to talk on the cell phone while on the toilet.
7. All government offices shall be closed during "Kiafest".
6. Whether it be a sport, potato chip flavor, or deodorant/antiperspirant, you are forbidden to use the term "extreme" in its name, unless it is scientifically proven to be so.
5. Before sporting events, The National Anthem shall be replaced by the stadium announcer reading a list of fans in attendance whose cars are currently being broken into.
4. The entire space program will be responsible for only two things: a) putting up new satellites that are created solely to spy on women in clothing store changing rooms, and; b) launching toxic waste into the sun.
3. Anyone who has $190,000 to travel into space on Virgin Galatic shall be required to give me $10,000 because they are too rich...
2. The New York Times shall be required to print at least one true story in each edition. The Weekly World News shall be consulted to verify the story.
1. Marijuana, heroin, PCP, morphine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, cocaine (including crack and original recipe), and hallucinogens such as LSD and ecstasy will now be considered legal substances. However, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and any foodstuffs produced using this material (including but not limited to: SPAM™, McDonald's™ hamburgers, Cheez Whiz™, Doritos™, Orville Redenbacher's™ Movie Theater Butter Flavored Microwave Popcorn), will be considered illegal substances.