SURFSTOPPERS!


I'm trying to compile a list of "Surfstoppers". This is defined as a movie or TV program that makes you stop flipping for a while, and then once you come to your senses and switch it off, you immediately feel guilty for the time you just wasted on it. Note: "Porn" is not an acceptable answer, it has to be basic cable fare. You can't include "functional" channels like Weather Channel or the TV Guide Channel. And it can't be a show that you would normally watch, or tape/TiVo, just a random show that you end up watching when nothing else you like is on.

The ultimate surfstopper is "Cops". This is the one which all others are compared to. No one ever tapes it. No one talks about it around the water cooler. No one goes out of their way to watch it. You don't hear: "Well, I'd love to meet for dinner at 8, but could we make it later? There's a new "Cops" on tonight." You just stumble upon it, and you immediately hit a redneck rubbernecking delay. By the next commercial break, you snap out of it, and switch on an educational program on PBS to cleanse yourself.

What would make you stop?

For me the other night, it was "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan". It stopped my thumb dead, because I wanted to see the legends Montalban and Shatner trading their patented wooden acting moves, not to mention Ricardo's plastic breastplate makeup, and I ended up stuck in this movie's tractor beam for about 15 minutes. Other shows/movies in this category:

*"Maximum eXposure"/"You Gotta See This!" They're essentially the same show. Hard to peel your eyes off of.
*Billiard trick shots on ESPN2. Don't ask me why, but it's infinitely better than "World Series of Poker".
*"Blind Date". Some of the "thought bubbles" they come up with on this show are hilarious.
*"Modern Marvels". I'm in awe of this stuff. My jaw drops as I exclaim, "Wow, that's a big crane!"
*"American Chopper". I've never watched this from start to finish, but I think I've now seen every show in nonsequential 15 minute increments.
*"Point Break". The ultimate 100% pure train wreck of a movie, predating the current "extreme" movies, sports, shows and marketing campaigns for the Mountain Dew generation. Swayze, Keanu, Busey, Petty--any questions? (SEE ALSO: "Road House".)
*Any Sean Connery "James Bond" movie.
*Any Schwarzenegger comedy.