MO' MOE
Here's a quote where Flanders shares his opinion of Moe.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
THE GREAT WHIPPED HOPE
This story (from August 8, 2002) about NBA player Doug Christie and his wife Jackie is beyond amazing.
In the final minute of an N.B.A. playoff game on Monday night, Doug Christie raised his left fist, extending his pinkie and index fingers toward the rafters of Arco Arena. Christie, a lanky swingman for the Sacramento Kings, appeared to be calling out a play for his teammates.
But the message was actually intended for his wife, Jackie, seated in the stands. He often makes the same hand signal at least 50 times a game. "That's just to let my wife know I love her, and she and family are bigger than basketball," Christie said.
Christie's wife Jackie rides in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena. Jackie Christie said she and her husband began communicating with each other during games a while ago. "When I make this sign, it means drive to the hole," she said. "When I make this sign, it means smile because you look a little sad on the bench. He started making this sign and said, 'This means I love you,' and it developed from there. It makes me feel real special."
Reporters who cover Christie's former team, the Toronto Raptors, were so intrigued by the couple's sign language that they created a betting pool when the Raptors played at Sacramento last November. By their count, Christie signaled his wife 62 times during the game. "Sixty-two," Jackie said, shaking her head in a pleased manner recently as she clutched her husband's hand on the couch in their home in suburban Sacramento. "That's beautiful."
When the Kings flew to Los Angeles today for Game 3 of the Western Conference finals against the Lakers on Friday night, Jackie was seated next to Doug, as much a part of the postseason experience as any family member in the N.B.A. In the frenetic world of major professional sports, where athletes have trouble balancing their personal and public lives -- and the perception of don't-ask, don't-tell marriages is sometimes a reality -- the Christies have gone to great lengths to make sure their own vows are kept sacred.
With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even eye contact. "Every conversation I've ever had with a woman since we've been married besides my wife she knows about," he said. "She's been there. But what are we talking about? Banking? Mortgage? Other than that, I don't have anything to say to anybody. It's taking up my time and my time is limited to basketball and my family."
The Christies, who have been married for eight years and have three children, get married on July 8 each year, their anniversary. It is not a mere renewal of their wedding vows, but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family, cake and a reception. This year, they will be married on the foundation of their new, not-yet-completed home in Bellevue, Wash. Christie's agent, Bradley Marshall, who is also a minister, has married them the past two years. "At first I thought this was a little bit much, but when you see the dividends it pays, you understand," Marshall said. "They invite other married couples to the wedding, and they're very encouraged by the whole process. It's very emotional."
Jackie said she attends 25 to 30 of the Kings' 41 regular-season road games, riding on the team's charter. "I used to tell people I was married to an athlete and they would give me that look, 'Oh, we know what he's doing,' " she said. "I don't try to explain anymore: 'Yeah, but he's different. And I travel with him and he's not like the rest.' I just know Doug is faithful."
When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. "A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud," she said. "It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon. It just came out. She was a pretty girl, very young. But she was touching someone she shouldn't have been."
Some wives of professional athletes focus on the perks of life in the big time: affluence, public attention, premium seats at sold-out games. Jackie Christie sees a different reality, one in which her husband and other players are battling the seduction of women who wait after games and prowl hotel lobbies. "You see so much of that going on, you think, 'Is that going to happen to me?'", she said. "I'm fine now. I gave up trying to change things. People are going to be the way they're going to be. Now, my attitude is, whatever we have to do to keep our circle tight. Just respect what we have and our commitment."
Sustaining relationships can be difficult for N.B.A. players, said Charles Smith, a former player who was a union vice president. "Nine times out of 10, when a player gets married early in his career, he's still growing and his spouse is still growing," Smith said. "Then you have kids, and it's a very difficult juggling act. If you don't have a firm foundation to fall back on, it doesn't work."
Rick Fox, the Lakers' forward, and his wife of three years, the actress and singer Vanessa Williams, sometimes put up with a bicoastal relationship. Williams is starring on Broadway in Into the Woods. "I admire any NBA couple that takes steps to make their relationship work because, let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who want to disrupt what we have," Fox said. "This is not the healthiest environment for a marriage. You've got to have a lot of trust to be married to any professional athlete."
Many of the game's most prominent players have taken part in the league's extravagant lifestyle. Magic Johnson acknowledged after announcing in 1991 that he had contracted H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, that he had been promiscuous. Patrick Ewing testified last year in a federal racketeering trial in Atlanta about sexual favors he received from dancers at a local strip club.
Jackie Christie arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him afterward. She sends him a note in the locker room before each game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back. Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena.
Doug Christie says he is a willing participant in these rituals. "It was hard for me to do the interview about this and say this is my life," he said. "Because some people will say: 'That's a bunch of garbage. He's lying.' But this is who I am and who we are."
During Christie's time in Toronto, Jackie was uncomfortable that women working for the Raptors went into the locker room to distribute statistics after games. So Doug began dressing in an adjacent room. An Eastern Conference team official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that he had warned the Kings about obtaining Christie two years ago because of some of the issues his wife had raised in Toronto.
"I just felt I needed to protect my territory in the beginning," Jackie said. "So I had a lot of issues. I have a jealous bone in my body, yes. It's probably as big as me. I'm very easygoing until I feel a threat." She added: "Doug is allowed to look at females. I would prefer he didn't."
Jackie sometimes has made it clear to her husband and team employees that certain female reporters should not be allowed to interview her husband unless she is present. "If she wants an interview, I will attend it with my husband so there can be no games," she said.
Some of the Kings kid Christie about the hand signals. "Hedo will flash the sign at my wife from over on the bench," he said of Hedo Turkoglu, the Kings' swingman. "They have fun with it, but they also respect and accept it."
Christie is a versatile 6-foot-6 player who made the N.B.A.'s all-defensive team because of his long arms, quickness and desire. Off the floor, he is a laid-back 10-year veteran. Introverted outside the locker room, he is thoughtful and well read. Born to a biracial couple -- his father is black, his mother white -- Christie grew up in Seattle.
He met Jackie, a former part-time model, at a sports bar through a friend before he was drafted out of Pepperdine in 1992. He said his lifestyle was much more carefree and rambunctious before his marriage. "Each of us has to go through and find our own way and mine was the route that I took," he said. "We all have choices, and the choices I was making back then were not the ones I would want to teach to my children."
Asked if he considered his current behavior drastic, Christie shook his head no. "It's not that I'm not allowed to look at women, it's just respect," he said. "I choose this. There is nothing out there for me to want or try to go after. That's not what I'm trying to be about."
The Christies say their behavior has not been influenced by a religious sect or a life-altering event. "I really can't explain it to you, except one day we were in the driveway of our Seattle home before I got married and all of a sudden all these revelations started coming to me in 1994," Christie said. "It came from God. I used to tell her, 'I know where I want to go, but I don't know how to get there.' Everything became clear when I told her I wanted to marry her. The life I was leading before I didn't want anymore." Jackie looked approvingly at her husband and smiled. "I get a lot of women who asked me, 'How did you get Doug to act that way?'"
He said: "Our love is boundless and free. For me, it doesn't feel like a restriction. It's a lifestyle, the way we live. So it's easy. It's not, 'You can't do this, you can't do that.'"
This story (from August 8, 2002) about NBA player Doug Christie and his wife Jackie is beyond amazing.
In the final minute of an N.B.A. playoff game on Monday night, Doug Christie raised his left fist, extending his pinkie and index fingers toward the rafters of Arco Arena. Christie, a lanky swingman for the Sacramento Kings, appeared to be calling out a play for his teammates.
But the message was actually intended for his wife, Jackie, seated in the stands. He often makes the same hand signal at least 50 times a game. "That's just to let my wife know I love her, and she and family are bigger than basketball," Christie said.
Christie's wife Jackie rides in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena. Jackie Christie said she and her husband began communicating with each other during games a while ago. "When I make this sign, it means drive to the hole," she said. "When I make this sign, it means smile because you look a little sad on the bench. He started making this sign and said, 'This means I love you,' and it developed from there. It makes me feel real special."
Reporters who cover Christie's former team, the Toronto Raptors, were so intrigued by the couple's sign language that they created a betting pool when the Raptors played at Sacramento last November. By their count, Christie signaled his wife 62 times during the game. "Sixty-two," Jackie said, shaking her head in a pleased manner recently as she clutched her husband's hand on the couch in their home in suburban Sacramento. "That's beautiful."
When the Kings flew to Los Angeles today for Game 3 of the Western Conference finals against the Lakers on Friday night, Jackie was seated next to Doug, as much a part of the postseason experience as any family member in the N.B.A. In the frenetic world of major professional sports, where athletes have trouble balancing their personal and public lives -- and the perception of don't-ask, don't-tell marriages is sometimes a reality -- the Christies have gone to great lengths to make sure their own vows are kept sacred.
With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even eye contact. "Every conversation I've ever had with a woman since we've been married besides my wife she knows about," he said. "She's been there. But what are we talking about? Banking? Mortgage? Other than that, I don't have anything to say to anybody. It's taking up my time and my time is limited to basketball and my family."
The Christies, who have been married for eight years and have three children, get married on July 8 each year, their anniversary. It is not a mere renewal of their wedding vows, but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family, cake and a reception. This year, they will be married on the foundation of their new, not-yet-completed home in Bellevue, Wash. Christie's agent, Bradley Marshall, who is also a minister, has married them the past two years. "At first I thought this was a little bit much, but when you see the dividends it pays, you understand," Marshall said. "They invite other married couples to the wedding, and they're very encouraged by the whole process. It's very emotional."
Jackie said she attends 25 to 30 of the Kings' 41 regular-season road games, riding on the team's charter. "I used to tell people I was married to an athlete and they would give me that look, 'Oh, we know what he's doing,' " she said. "I don't try to explain anymore: 'Yeah, but he's different. And I travel with him and he's not like the rest.' I just know Doug is faithful."
When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. "A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud," she said. "It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon. It just came out. She was a pretty girl, very young. But she was touching someone she shouldn't have been."
Some wives of professional athletes focus on the perks of life in the big time: affluence, public attention, premium seats at sold-out games. Jackie Christie sees a different reality, one in which her husband and other players are battling the seduction of women who wait after games and prowl hotel lobbies. "You see so much of that going on, you think, 'Is that going to happen to me?'", she said. "I'm fine now. I gave up trying to change things. People are going to be the way they're going to be. Now, my attitude is, whatever we have to do to keep our circle tight. Just respect what we have and our commitment."
Sustaining relationships can be difficult for N.B.A. players, said Charles Smith, a former player who was a union vice president. "Nine times out of 10, when a player gets married early in his career, he's still growing and his spouse is still growing," Smith said. "Then you have kids, and it's a very difficult juggling act. If you don't have a firm foundation to fall back on, it doesn't work."
Rick Fox, the Lakers' forward, and his wife of three years, the actress and singer Vanessa Williams, sometimes put up with a bicoastal relationship. Williams is starring on Broadway in Into the Woods. "I admire any NBA couple that takes steps to make their relationship work because, let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who want to disrupt what we have," Fox said. "This is not the healthiest environment for a marriage. You've got to have a lot of trust to be married to any professional athlete."
Many of the game's most prominent players have taken part in the league's extravagant lifestyle. Magic Johnson acknowledged after announcing in 1991 that he had contracted H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, that he had been promiscuous. Patrick Ewing testified last year in a federal racketeering trial in Atlanta about sexual favors he received from dancers at a local strip club.
Jackie Christie arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him afterward. She sends him a note in the locker room before each game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back. Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena.
Doug Christie says he is a willing participant in these rituals. "It was hard for me to do the interview about this and say this is my life," he said. "Because some people will say: 'That's a bunch of garbage. He's lying.' But this is who I am and who we are."
During Christie's time in Toronto, Jackie was uncomfortable that women working for the Raptors went into the locker room to distribute statistics after games. So Doug began dressing in an adjacent room. An Eastern Conference team official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that he had warned the Kings about obtaining Christie two years ago because of some of the issues his wife had raised in Toronto.
"I just felt I needed to protect my territory in the beginning," Jackie said. "So I had a lot of issues. I have a jealous bone in my body, yes. It's probably as big as me. I'm very easygoing until I feel a threat." She added: "Doug is allowed to look at females. I would prefer he didn't."
Jackie sometimes has made it clear to her husband and team employees that certain female reporters should not be allowed to interview her husband unless she is present. "If she wants an interview, I will attend it with my husband so there can be no games," she said.
Some of the Kings kid Christie about the hand signals. "Hedo will flash the sign at my wife from over on the bench," he said of Hedo Turkoglu, the Kings' swingman. "They have fun with it, but they also respect and accept it."
Christie is a versatile 6-foot-6 player who made the N.B.A.'s all-defensive team because of his long arms, quickness and desire. Off the floor, he is a laid-back 10-year veteran. Introverted outside the locker room, he is thoughtful and well read. Born to a biracial couple -- his father is black, his mother white -- Christie grew up in Seattle.
He met Jackie, a former part-time model, at a sports bar through a friend before he was drafted out of Pepperdine in 1992. He said his lifestyle was much more carefree and rambunctious before his marriage. "Each of us has to go through and find our own way and mine was the route that I took," he said. "We all have choices, and the choices I was making back then were not the ones I would want to teach to my children."
Asked if he considered his current behavior drastic, Christie shook his head no. "It's not that I'm not allowed to look at women, it's just respect," he said. "I choose this. There is nothing out there for me to want or try to go after. That's not what I'm trying to be about."
The Christies say their behavior has not been influenced by a religious sect or a life-altering event. "I really can't explain it to you, except one day we were in the driveway of our Seattle home before I got married and all of a sudden all these revelations started coming to me in 1994," Christie said. "It came from God. I used to tell her, 'I know where I want to go, but I don't know how to get there.' Everything became clear when I told her I wanted to marry her. The life I was leading before I didn't want anymore." Jackie looked approvingly at her husband and smiled. "I get a lot of women who asked me, 'How did you get Doug to act that way?'"
He said: "Our love is boundless and free. For me, it doesn't feel like a restriction. It's a lifestyle, the way we live. So it's easy. It's not, 'You can't do this, you can't do that.'"
WEDDING BETTING
by Bill Simmons, ESPN Page 2
In honor of Kris and Julie's upcoming wedding (September 24th, 2005 in Bordeaux, France) . . .
So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:
1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.
2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.
3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.
4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.
5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.
6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.
7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.
8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.
9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.
10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...
And the ultimate long-shot bet...
11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.
by Bill Simmons, ESPN Page 2
In honor of Kris and Julie's upcoming wedding (September 24th, 2005 in Bordeaux, France) . . .
So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:
1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.
2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.
3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.
4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.
5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.
6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.
7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.
8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.
9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.
10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...
And the ultimate long-shot bet...
11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.
RANDOM MUSINGS
Why do people spit gum into the urinal? I'm sure they had to pass at least ONE GARBAGE CAN on their way there. Then it ends up there for months because no one wants to dig in there and retrieve it. I think people that do that should be forced to take it out of there and resume chewing it. (JK)
How did "television" become shortened to "T.V.", while the "telephone" became shortened to "phone"? Why don't we say, "Hey, could you turn down the vision, I'm trying to talk on the T.P.!!!" (RV & JK)
I noticed while compiling the Top 500 that the Beatles are the only band that doesn't allow "sound bites" of their songs on any commerce websites. Why? What's the point? Do they think that people can take that low quality mono snippet and create a perfect sounding stereo clone of the entire song, like it's DNA? I blame Michael Jackson. Maybe I should sue him for molesting the Beatles catalog. (JK)
We realized that Moe Syzslak has so many great quotes on "The Simpsons". Here's one from "The Springfield Files" where he's hooked up to a lie detector. (RV, JK)
Why do people spit gum into the urinal? I'm sure they had to pass at least ONE GARBAGE CAN on their way there. Then it ends up there for months because no one wants to dig in there and retrieve it. I think people that do that should be forced to take it out of there and resume chewing it. (JK)
How did "television" become shortened to "T.V.", while the "telephone" became shortened to "phone"? Why don't we say, "Hey, could you turn down the vision, I'm trying to talk on the T.P.!!!" (RV & JK)
I noticed while compiling the Top 500 that the Beatles are the only band that doesn't allow "sound bites" of their songs on any commerce websites. Why? What's the point? Do they think that people can take that low quality mono snippet and create a perfect sounding stereo clone of the entire song, like it's DNA? I blame Michael Jackson. Maybe I should sue him for molesting the Beatles catalog. (JK)
We realized that Moe Syzslak has so many great quotes on "The Simpsons". Here's one from "The Springfield Files" where he's hooked up to a lie detector. (RV, JK)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
* Since players change teams more frequently than I change my oil filter, here's an idea that is long overdue: official team jerseys with Velcro® numbers and letters! This way, you only have to buy ONE jersey of your favorite team, and you can mix n' match numbers and letters to root for whomever happens to stick around long enough to attract your attention. As Jerry Seinfeld said, we're basically rooting for laundry, so why not make that pointless investment last? I'm still kicking myself for buying that $300 authentic Mike Piazza Florida Marlins jersey. I really thought that was going to last.
* Seen in West Haverstraw the other day: a woman in an ankle-length fur coat running into the dollar store. Classic. I didn't look around to see if she had double parked her Lexus to do so.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
FROM THE COMEDY VAULT: EGGSTREMELY AMUSING
By Rob Vertullo
2/23/2004 01:56 PM
I saw a commercial yesterday that literally had me crying with laughter.
From the cheesy, mail order kitchen gadget company comes the ultra egg peeler (or some sh!t name like that). Yep, now peeling eggs is fun and easy! Remember how much trouble peeling eggs used to be? Neither do I, but apparently, this was once one of the most time consuming, wasteful, messy operations in the entire kitchen. To drive this point home, the commercial features some black and white footage of a 1950s-ish housewife attempting to peel an egg, without using the ultra egg peeler.
Oh the horror!
The poor woman is virtually reduced to tears by her own ineptitude. She simply cannot separate the shell from the egg without making her kitchen look like some kind of boiled egg crime scene There are egg pieces everywhere. There is a mound of mangled eggs and shells on the table, There are eggs in her hair. There are eggs on her apron. There are eggs on the walls. Clearly the woman is a failure as an egg peeler and as a wife and mother. The only thing there is to do now is grab for that hidden bottle of Four Roses and hope the kids don't bring any friends over today.
Man what a laugh I had. You gotta look for this ad.
By Rob Vertullo
2/23/2004 01:56 PM
I saw a commercial yesterday that literally had me crying with laughter.
From the cheesy, mail order kitchen gadget company comes the ultra egg peeler (or some sh!t name like that). Yep, now peeling eggs is fun and easy! Remember how much trouble peeling eggs used to be? Neither do I, but apparently, this was once one of the most time consuming, wasteful, messy operations in the entire kitchen. To drive this point home, the commercial features some black and white footage of a 1950s-ish housewife attempting to peel an egg, without using the ultra egg peeler.
Oh the horror!
The poor woman is virtually reduced to tears by her own ineptitude. She simply cannot separate the shell from the egg without making her kitchen look like some kind of boiled egg crime scene There are egg pieces everywhere. There is a mound of mangled eggs and shells on the table, There are eggs in her hair. There are eggs on her apron. There are eggs on the walls. Clearly the woman is a failure as an egg peeler and as a wife and mother. The only thing there is to do now is grab for that hidden bottle of Four Roses and hope the kids don't bring any friends over today.
Man what a laugh I had. You gotta look for this ad.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Great news for the French...
By Kris Salo
I was just reading old eye-opener rants by myself and Rob, and
realized, after Marketers the French are the most criticized. It makes
me think about this new bridge that was built here:
I don't know if you have read anything about this, or heard about
it...as most of you get your news exclusively from Fox News, I would
assume it wasn't mentioned. Anyway in Millau, a town about 45 minutes
from here, they have built the world's tallest bridge. It is 1200 feet
or something like that...It's 53 feet higher than the Eiffel towner...
-Historical note: the town of Millau is where Jose Bove methodically
deconstructed a McDonalds restaurant.
My favorite headline was from MSNBC: "France claims to have built
highest bridge." The thing is that height is a very objective
thing...Therefore it's either the highest or not...anyway I
digress...This is a great subject of pride for the French. You can not
turn on the TV or look at a newspaper without being told how this
amazing feat has been done in France, by the French. Chirac was at the
opening ceremony today, talking about how this shows the greatness of
the French and how they are a culture of leaders (or something like
that...I forget the exact words, but that's the main jist of it).
Anyway, the kicker on this...The architect, well he was, how do I put
this so it's clear...Ummm, well not French. He was British. So right,
it was a French company that followed the instructions written by a
Brit. This is like me sending Rob a recipe for foie gras, him making
it, and then claiming that it was an American feat of cooking...
I really think the French are the Chihuahuas of the world today. Tiny,
frightened, shaking, and barking at everything that they can...
By Kris Salo
I was just reading old eye-opener rants by myself and Rob, and
realized, after Marketers the French are the most criticized. It makes
me think about this new bridge that was built here:
I don't know if you have read anything about this, or heard about
it...as most of you get your news exclusively from Fox News, I would
assume it wasn't mentioned. Anyway in Millau, a town about 45 minutes
from here, they have built the world's tallest bridge. It is 1200 feet
or something like that...It's 53 feet higher than the Eiffel towner...
-Historical note: the town of Millau is where Jose Bove methodically
deconstructed a McDonalds restaurant.
My favorite headline was from MSNBC: "France claims to have built
highest bridge." The thing is that height is a very objective
thing...Therefore it's either the highest or not...anyway I
digress...This is a great subject of pride for the French. You can not
turn on the TV or look at a newspaper without being told how this
amazing feat has been done in France, by the French. Chirac was at the
opening ceremony today, talking about how this shows the greatness of
the French and how they are a culture of leaders (or something like
that...I forget the exact words, but that's the main jist of it).
Anyway, the kicker on this...The architect, well he was, how do I put
this so it's clear...Ummm, well not French. He was British. So right,
it was a French company that followed the instructions written by a
Brit. This is like me sending Rob a recipe for foie gras, him making
it, and then claiming that it was an American feat of cooking...
I really think the French are the Chihuahuas of the world today. Tiny,
frightened, shaking, and barking at everything that they can...
Monday, December 13, 2004
Notes from the "NFL Week 14 DirecTV Sunday Ticket Football Craptacular!" (Thanks Mr. Vertullo!)
by Jeff Kammann
* If you're going to give a player a nickname, you can't use one that's already taken. "The Snake" will always be Ken Stabler, and "LT" will always be Lawrence Taylor. Those are nicknames of Hall of Famers, so those are officially off limits. Therefore from now on, Jake "The Snake" Plummer will from now on be referred to as Jake "Liquid" Plummer.
* On another name-related note, "Antwaan Randle El" is a difficult name to remember and/or spell; thus he will now be called "Tony Randall".
* One of the myriad of asinine commercials we saw informed us that, according to some panel of idiots, Aspen Edge has "more taste" than Michelob Ultra. Rob pointed out that "more taste" doesn't necessarily mean "better taste". For instance, let's use water, which has no taste, as a baseline. If you asked me to compare that to a glass of water that a dog had defecated in, there's a very good chance the second drink would have "more taste" than water. So if we apply the aforementioned "advertising logic", I should therefore choose the crap-flavored beverage over the water, because it has "more taste". Makes perfect sense to me!
* NFL referees now make an average of 7-8 questionable/bad calls a game. It's not worth getting worked up over something that happens with such frequency, so just get used to it. However, when they get a call RIGHT, invariably one of the coaches challenges it. And those mind-numbing minutes where they "review the play" and don't change the call, you can't get those minutes back. They're gone forever.
* From what I've heard, everyone who has a TiVo thinks it's the greatest invention ever. And I would agree that great strides have been made in digital technology to keep people on the couch glued to their TV screens. However, there are two major problems with this technology, as I see it: 1) Bad timing. Although there are definitely more programs on TV from which to choose than ever before, there are less of them that I actually can sit through. So what's the point? I would be spending $13 to get every episode of "The Simpsons" aired that month, and that's about it. Which isn't a bad thing, but it's hardly necessary. 2) Going forward. You can now "freeze" and "rewind" live TV, which is neat . . . but what about fast forwarding? Yeah, I know it's impossible for a live sporting event, but what about a show that's already been taped? Most programs are just "reality" shows that are edited to create drama, but essentially nothing really happens until the last 10 minutes. So please, why do I have to sit through all of that nonsense, I just want to see whose traded spouse got voted off the renovated chopper!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
BMI, the Bullshit Mass Index
by Robert Vertullo
Every health related website has a BMI (body mass index) calculator now. The BMI, they say, is an excellent indicator of cardiovascular health. Simply plug in your height and weight and, presto, you find out if you are a fat bastard or not. Never mind that you haven't seen your toes in years and can barely make it up a flight of stairs. That's hardly a scientific way to determine the state of your health. You need the vast knowledge and expertise of accountants and actuaries to really
find out.
So I decided to plug in the numbers. Man was I shocked. A BMI of 32.3. Obese. Probably more shocking was that I plugged in the height and weight of Ray Lewis, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. That's right Ray, you fat toad, you are the embodiment of the lazy, over-indulgent American. So get your cellulite riddled ass off the field and in the weight room for some serious remedial body reshaping before Coach Billick sees you. On the other hand, well know actress and apparent victim of a random slashing attack Tara Reid measures in at a healthy 19.8, and so will probably live to be 120, despite that mountain of cocaine she's consumed and her obvious inability to choose a competent physician.
I'm going to do some R&D and see if I can come up with a BAI, "Body Ass Index". This will be a simple tool for determining what percentage of your body is ass, and, by extrapolation, whether or not you should be wearing those pants. Preliminary data shows that for women, this is going to result in a bell shaped curve. With "Those pants make you look like a 12 year old boy" at the low end and "Those pants could replace the Metrodome roof" on the other end. Mind you, these are only preliminary results.
By the way, the groin pull is healing nicely, but I wish the makers of Sportscreme had put a warning on the label "DO NOT PUT THIS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR NAUGHTY BITS".
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
SEMI-HOMEMADE
by Robert Vertullo
I've mentioned before that I watch the food network all the time. Still, I have no idea why, all I ever make is grilled chicken. Anyway, there is a show called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee". I find it funny because what Sandra does is show you how to make store bought items seems homemade. In other words, you combine all the effort, time and expense of homemade cooking with mediocre quality ingredients you find in frozen aisle at Safeway, and end up with a lot of pots and pans to clean. Now Sandra herself is sort of a cross between Betty Crocker and Barbie. So it was particularly funny to see her make a Kwanza cake and a Star of David cake. And of course every other sentence out of her is "and these are SOOO easy!" Well no, they are not, but just buying an Entenmann's would have been twice as easy and half the price.
by Robert Vertullo
I've mentioned before that I watch the food network all the time. Still, I have no idea why, all I ever make is grilled chicken. Anyway, there is a show called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee". I find it funny because what Sandra does is show you how to make store bought items seems homemade. In other words, you combine all the effort, time and expense of homemade cooking with mediocre quality ingredients you find in frozen aisle at Safeway, and end up with a lot of pots and pans to clean. Now Sandra herself is sort of a cross between Betty Crocker and Barbie. So it was particularly funny to see her make a Kwanza cake and a Star of David cake. And of course every other sentence out of her is "and these are SOOO easy!" Well no, they are not, but just buying an Entenmann's would have been twice as easy and half the price.
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