Notes from the "NFL Week 14 DirecTV Sunday Ticket Football Craptacular!" (Thanks Mr. Vertullo!)
by Jeff Kammann


* If you're going to give a player a nickname, you can't use one that's already taken. "The Snake" will always be Ken Stabler, and "LT" will always be Lawrence Taylor. Those are nicknames of Hall of Famers, so those are officially off limits. Therefore from now on, Jake "The Snake" Plummer will from now on be referred to as Jake "Liquid" Plummer.
* On another name-related note, "Antwaan Randle El" is a difficult name to remember and/or spell; thus he will now be called "Tony Randall".
* One of the myriad of asinine commercials we saw informed us that, according to some panel of idiots, Aspen Edge has "more taste" than Michelob Ultra. Rob pointed out that "more taste" doesn't necessarily mean "better taste". For instance, let's use water, which has no taste, as a baseline. If you asked me to compare that to a glass of water that a dog had defecated in, there's a very good chance the second drink would have "more taste" than water. So if we apply the aforementioned "advertising logic", I should therefore choose the crap-flavored beverage over the water, because it has "more taste". Makes perfect sense to me!
* NFL referees now make an average of 7-8 questionable/bad calls a game. It's not worth getting worked up over something that happens with such frequency, so just get used to it. However, when they get a call RIGHT, invariably one of the coaches challenges it. And those mind-numbing minutes where they "review the play" and don't change the call, you can't get those minutes back. They're gone forever.
* From what I've heard, everyone who has a TiVo thinks it's the greatest invention ever. And I would agree that great strides have been made in digital technology to keep people on the couch glued to their TV screens. However, there are two major problems with this technology, as I see it: 1) Bad timing. Although there are definitely more programs on TV from which to choose than ever before, there are less of them that I actually can sit through. So what's the point? I would be spending $13 to get every episode of "The Simpsons" aired that month, and that's about it. Which isn't a bad thing, but it's hardly necessary. 2) Going forward. You can now "freeze" and "rewind" live TV, which is neat . . . but what about fast forwarding? Yeah, I know it's impossible for a live sporting event, but what about a show that's already been taped? Most programs are just "reality" shows that are edited to create drama, but essentially nothing really happens until the last 10 minutes. So please, why do I have to sit through all of that nonsense, I just want to see whose traded spouse got voted off the renovated chopper!