BMI, the Bullshit Mass Index
by Robert Vertullo


Every health related website has a BMI (body mass index) calculator now. The BMI, they say, is an excellent indicator of cardiovascular health. Simply plug in your height and weight and, presto, you find out if you are a fat bastard or not. Never mind that you haven't seen your toes in years and can barely make it up a flight of stairs. That's hardly a scientific way to determine the state of your health. You need the vast knowledge and expertise of accountants and actuaries to really
find out.

So I decided to plug in the numbers. Man was I shocked. A BMI of 32.3. Obese. Probably more shocking was that I plugged in the height and weight of Ray Lewis, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. That's right Ray, you fat toad, you are the embodiment of the lazy, over-indulgent American. So get your cellulite riddled ass off the field and in the weight room for some serious remedial body reshaping before Coach Billick sees you. On the other hand, well know actress and apparent victim of a random slashing attack Tara Reid measures in at a healthy 19.8, and so will probably live to be 120, despite that mountain of cocaine she's consumed and her obvious inability to choose a competent physician.

I'm going to do some R&D and see if I can come up with a BAI, "Body Ass Index". This will be a simple tool for determining what percentage of your body is ass, and, by extrapolation, whether or not you should be wearing those pants. Preliminary data shows that for women, this is going to result in a bell shaped curve. With "Those pants make you look like a 12 year old boy" at the low end and "Those pants could replace the Metrodome roof" on the other end. Mind you, these are only preliminary results.

By the way, the groin pull is healing nicely, but I wish the makers of Sportscreme had put a warning on the label "DO NOT PUT THIS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR NAUGHTY BITS".