WE'RE THE REPLACEMENTS

by Jeff Kammann


Since there will be no NHL season for 2004-2005, here are your new replacement teams:

New Jersey DeVilles
New York Lowlanders
New York Strangers
Philadelphia Liars
Pittsburgh Pigeons

Boston Ruins
Buffalo Laborers
Montréal Cancellations (Hab-Nots)
Ottawa Sedentary
Toronto Table Leafs

Atlanta Flashers
Carolina Breezes
Florida Panderers
Tampa Bay Frightning
Washington Crapitals

Chicago Slackhawks
Columbus Strait Jackets
Detroit Dead Wings
Nashville Aliens
St. Louis Bruise

Calgary Blames
Colorado Flurries
Edmonton Spoilers
Minnesota Mild
Vancouver Cannots

Anaheim Mighty Dorks
Dallas Scars
Los Angeles Queens
Phoenix Coyote Uglies
San Jose Flounders

FRIDAY AFTERNOON RANDOM RAMBLINGS

by Kris Salo

-The f-ing EU. Why do they insist upon making Monopoly money...Wait scratch that, at least Monopoly money doesn't fall apart in your hands. I was going to buy bread today and had a fiver that was a little beat up. So, like most people, I tried to pull the sides apart to straighten it out...Disintegrated! It didn't rip because that would
insinuate that gave resistance. Imagine pulling apart a piece of wet Wonderbread...That's what happened. Have you ever had a US bill rip apart like that?...I've had them rip, but is usually caused by two people pulling hard on a bill. How can you trust a government (or pseudogovernmental overlords) that get(s) their money on the cheap?

-What business do Nelly and Tim McGraw have singing together? And that song really really sucks...

-Speaking of inconsistencies in the EU. Jack Chirac is pushing the Spaniards to pass the SPANISH referendum on the EU constitution. Problem being a majority of the French will probably vote against it when it's put to a referendum here. I guess it's kind of like GWB pushing for human rights in other countries while at home...

PORN HOLDERS

This witty banter took place without my knowledge, as these two plotted to buy me a new TV for my birthday and, more importantly, tried to find out where to hide my porn. Very funny, guys.
____________________________________________


Karl: Jeff's gonna shit when he sees that new TV....

Scott: Yeah, I already envy him, and I don’t even know what he’s getting. What do say we buy him some brand new porn to watch on his brand new TV? Now that’s the gift that keeps on giving… and receiving…

Karl: But wait, nothing displays the quality of a brand new tv like a black and white movie. Or maybe a Turnervision movie with the color added in later...

Yeah, I guess porn's probably best. Of course, the single guys will never think to get it either. WE better take care of it.

Scott: Yeah, like the color-added version of “It’s a wonderful life”. “Wow, Jeff, your new TV looks… well… did you say this is Hi Def?” As for the porn, it would be really thoughtful if we get him something to HIDE the porn IN. You know, like a “hollow book,” or something inconspicuous – not that I would know – or have one myself… No sir-eee, not me. No way… I’m trying to think of the perfect title for his hollow book. How about “Men are from Jersey, Women are from Havana”?

Karl: This sounds like something for me to work on. All I could come up with immediately was the sacrosanct . . . "The Book of Moremen".
Then I thought about the: "Around the World in 80 Ways".
How about a tribute to Airplane? "Famous Jewish Sports Legends".
A low blow: "Ethiopian Cuisine"?
There really is no end.
How about: "Start the Insanity!!"

Karl: “Gray's Anatomy II”.

Scott: “Catcher in the Rear”.

Karl: “Worn Piece”.

Scott: Sweet!!!

Karl: The other way to store porn is using an acronym:
For example, the books could be labeled:

(PORN) People Of Ruined Nations
(FILTH) Foundations In Living Thru Heartache
(SMUT) Southeast Mexico Undertaking Techniques

Scott: “Brittle Women”.

Karl: Nice. I'd like to see that on High Cleft Television.

WELCOME TO BIG GAME SUNDAY #39!

by Jeff Kammann


Well, here we are! After 8 weeks of hype, it's finally BIG GAME SUNDAY! Now, of course I can't really say on my blog that I'm talking about that big football BOWL game that everyone hopes will be SUPER, otherwise I'll owe the Nation's Football Legion some fat cash! And I'm not going to do that, no, sir, for fear of legal action. (I even was forced to use a USXFL picture of Steve Younger, who actually was just indicted by the Hall of Fame! As the kids say, "Big ups and bling bling!", and as I say, "Way to go, Stevie Southpaw!")

So getting back to Big Game #39, how can the upstart and 7-touchdown underdog Pennsylvania Egrets beat the Boston Patriarchs? Well, I believe that they have to do three important things:

1. SHOW UP FOR THE GAME.
When I say this, I don't mean they have to get good offensive production from Donald McRibb, and I certainly don't mean a lot of interception runbacks from Darryl Dawkins. What I mean is that they LITERALLY must show up tonight. I don't care how bad the traffic is, or how good the strip clubs are, in Jackson Hole (a small ski town that, in my opinion, has no business hosting the Big Game)! This team has to get on that bus, and show up at the stadium before kickoff, preferably with their helmets and uniforms, if they have any hope in being victorious.

2. SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THEIR OPPONENTS.
This is very important, whether it's on offense or defense, they have to get the ball in the zone, and/or over the bar, often and early. Scoring is the biggest factor in winning games, which I feel is sadly often overlooked. Unfortunately, all of the media attention has been focused on the comeback of lovable loudmouth and ABC soap star/Egret wide receiver O.T. Owen, but if his gonorrhea flares up and prevents him from getting in the game, someone else is going to have step to it! Whether it's Brian Westwood, Todd Pinkerton, or kicker/singer Clay Akins, they have to put it all together and somehow light up the scoresheet more than genius coach Bill Bellhorn's Patriarchs.

3. HOLD THE OTHER GUYS TO LESS POINTS THAN THEM.
This is no less imperative than the last point, for as the great Vic Lombardo once said "Defense wins championships" (which is his second greatest quote after his infamous "Winning isn't everything, but it gets the chicks"). I crunched the numbers, and this Egret team is 15-0 when holding their opponents to less points than they themselves score, and numbers like that don't lie around! Although they're loose because they're finally in the Big Game after not winning it all since the 1960 NFC/ABA merger (a winless streak that some say is due to the Curse of The Vermeil), they have to play tight and hard if they want to bring home the aforementioned Vic's trophy. It all starts with stopping quarterback Tom Bradley and snuffing out runningback Corey Feldman, and making sure the entire Patriarch offense doesn't hit more shots from downtown as they do.

FINAL TALLY. In the final tally, I think the Penn Egrets need to remember these three things, and they can win the Big Game #39 over the tyrannical Patriarchs from Bean City! My only hope is that they have time to read my blog before stepping out onto the pitch!

Enjoy the game!

(Let me know how it was, I'm going to the movies to see "When Will We Get There?", in which Vanilla Ice plays a soccer mom--sounds like a hoot!)


The feelings and opinions expressed within this article are not representative of those of the Nation's Football Legion and its employees. The Eye-Opener cannot be held responsible for any errors, typographical or otherwise (since we had planned to use the Rockland Review editing staff, before learning at the last minute that there is no such thing).

CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HER


Okay, so I just watched the scene from the movie Closer, which involves Natalie Portman stripping for Clive Owen to The Smiths' song "How Soon Is Now?" It's one of my favorite songs of all-time, and somehow, dammit, they managed to make it better! And it's a fitting song for the scene (as well as the movie), with its bleak soundscape and yearning lyrics: "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does." I need a private lap dance, just like everybody else does.

Anyway, I always thought Natalie Portman was cute (since she starred in Léon (The Professional) when she was 12--is that wrong?), but now she's simply smokin' hot. Did I mention she's stripping? To the Smiths? Why didn't they put this in the trailer? They would have had my $9 in a second! Just had to mention that. They also use the song by Damien Rice entitled "The Blower's Daughter" (yes, it's on the Top 500 List) effectively in this movie, hence this blog entry's title. Did I mention that Natalie Portman plays a stripper? I just wanted to make that clear.

I LOVE LOTION! The biggest band that never hit the big time.

2005: THE YEAR OF THE MASHUP?

As you might know I'm a huge music fan, and man, do I really dig these "mashups". Basically, it's a song remixing technique where two seemingly dissimilar songs are sonically "mashed" together with unexpected, and sometimes amazing, results. You might have heard an example of this on a recent Audi commerical from 2004, where David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel" and "Never Get Old" were mashed together into a whole new piece using elements of both songs (which is called "Rebel Never Get Old").

DJ Mark Vidler (whose blog looks astonishingly like mine) and Go Home Productions have created some of the best versions of this new remix artform that I've ever heard. I recently heard the mashup called "Rapture Riders" on an internet radio station. This one features the bizarre marriage of Blondie's "Rapture" with The Doors' "Riders on the Storm". I know, it sounds weird, but you have to hear it.



This one is intriguing, and I can't imagine what made them fit these together: "Ray Of Gob", mixes Madonna's "Ray of Light" vocals with the Sex Pistols' "Pretty Vacant" and "God Save The Queen". Let's face it, this should not work, but pierce my nostrils if it doesn't!!!

And if you've been dying to hear both The Beatles "Day In The Life" and Radiohead's "Karma Police", well, this should save some time: "Karma In The Life".

BUSH MASHUPS

Now this is very creative. Someone who calls himself "rx" took sound bites of George W. Bush, mixed them up, and set them to music to form these twisted little ditties.

First off, W's words are used against him, as he addresses all the Boys & Girls. And this song is not a rebel song. This song is Sunday Bloody Sunday . . . well, if W was the lead singer of U2. Would that make this a W-2 song? And finally, we have the stunning Dick Is A Killer. Cover the kids' ears when you play this one. Very funny.

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (300 - )

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (300-)


300. Ocean Size - Jane's Addiction
299. Subdivisions - Rush
298. Even Flow - Pearl Jam
297. Prison Sex - Tool
296. Time - Pink Floyd
295. Smoke Two Joints - Sublime
294. Rat, The - Walkmen
293. Fuck and Run - Phair, Liz
292. Mirror In The Bathroom - English Beat
291. Sweetest Taboo - Sade
290. Sunken Treasure - Wilco
289. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey - McCartney, Paul and Wings
288. Miss World - Hole
287. Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies
286. Sour Girl - Stone Temple Pilots
285. Stigmata - Ministry
284. Boom, Like That - Knopfler, Mark
283. Spanish Bombs - Clash
282. Taking Care Of Business - Bachman-Turner Overdrive
281. That Smell - Lynyrd Skynyrd
280. Black - Pearl Jam
279. Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
278. Emotional Weather Forecast - Waits, Tom
277. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n' Roses
276. Last Laugh - Knopfler, Mark (feat. Van Morrison)
275. I Fought The Law - Clash
274. Freewill - Rush
273. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses - U2
272. Hey You - Pink Floyd
271. Doin' Time - Sublime
270. Building A Mystery - McLachlan, Sarah
269. These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs
268. When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
267. Birth, School, Work, Death - Godfathers
266. Down In A Hole - Alice In Chains
265. Mountain Song - Jane's Addiction
264. She's A Beauty - Tubes
263. Dry The Rain - Beta Band
262. Come To Me - Bjork
261. Miserlou - Dale, Dick and The Del-Tones
260. Somebody To Love - Queen
259. Round Here - Counting Crows
258. Chop Suey! - System Of A Down
257. I Wanna Be Adored - Stone Roses
256. Don't Know Why - Jones, Norah
255. Mannish Boy - Waters, Muddy

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (500-401)


500. Straight To Hell - Clash
499. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
498. Frankly, Mr. Shankly - Smiths
497. Frankenstein - Edgar Winter Group
496. Safety Dance - Men Without Hats
495. More Than A Feeling - Boston
494. Amish Paradise - "Weird Al" Yankovic
493. American Pie - McLean, Don
492. Mother - Pink Floyd
491. Every Breath You Take - Police
490. The River - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
489. Rock Lobster - The B-52's
488. Whole Lotta Rosie - AC/DC
487. I Was A Punk Before You Were A Punk - Tubes
486. Eruption - Van Halen
485. Feed The Tree - Belly
484. Gimme Three Steps - Lynyrd Skynyrd
483. Bone China - Mother Love Bone
482. Revolution - Beatles
481. Heading Out To The Highway - Judas Priest
480. Rocket Queen - Guns n' Roses
479. Feeling Gravity's Pull - R.E.M.
478. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You - Led Zeppelin
477. Don't Talk - 10,000 Maniacs
476. Ordinary World - Duran Duran
475. Date Rape - Sublime
474. Bela Lugosi's Dead - Bauhaus
473. Cannonball - Breeders
472. Voices In My Head - Police
471. Whiplash - Metallica
470. When Doves Cry - Prince
469. Brothers in Arms - Dire Straits
468. Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2
467. Red House - Jimi Hendrix
466. Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam
465. Let's Dance - Bowie, David
464. Texas Flood - Vaughn, Stevie Ray
463. L'Opportuniste - Dutronc, Jacques
462. Big Balls - AC/DC
461. Cocaine - Clapton, Eric
460. Hurt - Cash, Johnny

459. (Don't Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
458. Shout - Tears For Fears
457. 18 And Life - Skid Row
456. I Drove All Night - Lauper, Cyndi
455. Another Time, Another Place - U2
454. Heart of Glass - Blondie
453. New World Man - Rush
452. Hands All Over - Soundgarden
451. Magdalena - A Perfect Circle
450. Foreclosure Of A Dream - Megadeth
449. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) - Eurythmics
448. All I Want Is You - U2
447. Lost Cause - Beck
446. Champagne Supernova - Oasis
445. One Thing Leads To Another - Fixx
444. Louder Than A Bomb - Public Enemy
443. Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve
442. Suedehead - Morrissey
441. Say Hello To Heaven - Temple Of The Dog
440. Teen Age Riot - Sonic Youth
439. Cold As Ice - Foreigner
438. '40' - U2
437. Money For Nothing - Dire Straits
436. Jump - Van Halen
435. Jump Around - House of Pain
434. She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals
433. Forever Young - Dylan, Bob
432. Can't Find My Way Home - Blind Faith
431. Cat's In The Cradle - Chapin, Harry
430. Jammin' - Marley, Bob
429. Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner - Zevon, Warren
428. Breakdown - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
427. You Really Got Me - Kinks
426. Bulls On Parade - Rage Against The Machine
425. Fairytale In New York - Pogues (featuring Kirsty MacColl)
424. San Andreas Fault - Merchant, Natalie
423. Moving To Bohemia - Lee, Geddy
422. When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
421. Hurt a Long Time - Cantrell, Jerry
420. Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds
419. Waterfalls - TLC
418. Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot
417. No Rain - Blind Melon
416. Freak On A Leash - Korn
415. Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers
414. Space Oddity - Bowie, David
413. Du Hast - Rammstein
412. Beautiful World - Devo
411. Fell In Love With A Girl - White Stripes
410. I'll Stick Around - Foo Fighters
409. Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden

408. Big Bottom - Spinal Tap
407. I Got You - Split Enz
406. Song 2 - Blur
405. Here's Where The Story Ends - Sundays
404. Hey Nineteen - Steely Dan
403. Rudie Can't Fail - Clash
402. Tomorrow Never Comes - Big Head Todd and the Monsters
401. Laid - James

TOP 500 SONGS BECAUSE WE SAID SO (400-305)


400. Excuse Me Mr. - Harper, Ben
399. Too Old to Rock and Roll, Too Young to Die - Jethro Tull
398. Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis - Waits, Tom
397. Needle and the Damage Done - Young, Neil
396. Because The Night (Unplugged) - 10,000 Maniacs
395. Tiki Bar Is Open - Haitt, John
394. Tell Me What You Want - Zebra
393. Possession - McLachlan, Sarah

392. Gloria - U2
391. Alive - Pearl Jam
390. Bring the Noise - Anthrax with Public Enemy
389. For Whom the Bell Tolls - Metallica
388. Trouble Me - 10,000 Maniacs
387. Aerials - System of A Down
386. Justice Not Politics - Business
385. Sweet Leaf - Black Sabbath
384. One Thing - INXS
383. Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
382. Dust In The Wind - Kansas
381. Just A Girl - No Doubt
380. Subterranean Homesick Alien - Radiohead
379. Shock The Monkey - Gabriel, Peter
378. Most Of The Time - Dylan, Bob
377. Magic Man - Heart
376. I Want You (She's So Heavy) - Beatles
375. Bitchin' Camaro - Dead Milkmen
374. Subterranean Homesick Blues - Dylan, Bob
373. Riders On The Storm - Doors
372. Stop Draggin' My Heart Around - Nicks, Stevie and Tom Petty
371. Fisherman's Blues - Waterboys
370. La Vie Est Belle - MC Solaar
369. Pretending - Clapton, Eric
368. I Don't Like Mondays - Boomtown Rats
367. Thrill Is Gone - B.B. King
366. Baba O'Riley - Who, The
365. You Can Leave Your Hat On - Cocker, Joe
364. Best Of What's Around - Matthews, Dave
363. Corduroy - Pearl Jam
362. One of These Days - Pink Floyd

361. Welcome Home (Sanitarium) - Metallica
360. Pets - Porno For Pyros
359. Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins
358. Shot Down In Flames - AC/DC
357. Spirit Of The Street - Business
356. 4 Degrees - Tool
355. Guyana (Cult Of The Damned) - Man O' War
354. Can't Hardly Wait - Replacements
353. Love Is Like Oxygen - Sweet
352. Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
351. Love Is The Drug - Roxy Music
350. Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival
349. Moving In Stereo - Cars, The
348. What Do All The People Know - Monroes
347. Crossfire - Vaughn, Stevie Ray
346. Praise You - Fatboy Slim
345. (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding - Costello, Elvis
344. Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Dylan, Bob
343. Rush Of Blood To The Head - Coldplay
342. Comme Un Fils - Corneille
341. Blower's Daughter - Rice, Damien
340. Nuthin' But A "G" Thang- Snoop Dogg (featuring Dr. Dre)
339. Desert Rose - Sting with Cheb Mami
338. Whenever, Wherever - Shakira
337. Isobel - Dido
336. Boom Boom - Hooker, John Lee
335. She's So Cold - Rolling Stones
334. Fast Car - Chapman, Tracy
333. Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
332. Keep The Faith - Dropkick Murphys
331. Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple
330. Turn The Page - Bob Seger
329. Suck My Kiss - Red Hot Chili Peppers
328. Layla (Unplugged Version) - Clapton, Eric
327. Backwater - Meat Puppets
326. Rape Me - Nirvana
325. Man In The Box - Alice In Chains
324. Sounds Of Science - Beastie Boys
323. Into The Mystic - Van Morrison
322. Groove Is In The Heart - Deee-Lite
321. Stripped - Depeche Mode
320. Whisky In The Jar - Thin Lizzy
319. Debaser - Pixies [Click for live mp3]
318. Here With Me - Dido
317. Cherub Rock - Smashing Pumpkins
316. I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You - Waits, Tom
315. Thursday - Morphine
314. Future - Cohen, Leonard
313. Paint It, Black - Rolling Stones
312. Black Magic Woman - Santana
311. And She Was - Talking Heads
310. In God's Country - U2
309. Life Without You - Vaughn, Stevie Ray
308. Woman Like A Man - Rice, Damien
307. Hey Joe - Hendrix, Jimi
305. What I Got - Sublime
304. This Year's Love - Gray, David
304. Judas My Heart - Belly
303. Burden In My Hand - Soundgarden
302. Join Together - Who
301. Slam - Onyx with Biohazard

RATING THE POST-SEASON HARDWARE
by Rob Vertullo

I thought I'd waste a few moments not by reading a good book or exercising but rather by deciding which sports trophy I like best. I'm only going to include the major sports: football, basketball, hockey, and baseball. Don't go complaining that the Nextel Cup should be on the list. One, NASCAR is not a sport, it's 100,000 people applauding a colossal squandering of petroleum. Two, it's the Winston Cup, and cell phones cause cancer, too. You're not fooling anybody.

So here they are in increasing order of non-shittiness:

Major League Baseball's Championship Trophy.

Don't know if it has a name, but I know it doesn't deserve one. I can't even find a photo on the internet. Looks like an overgrown ashtray. The greatest moment for this thing ever was when George Costanza tied it to his bumper and drove it around the parking lot in an effort to get fired.

[Note: I found a picture of the MLB "World Championship" Trophy, and man, it's uglier than I thought. It must be much better looking when you're wearing champagne goggles. -JK]

NBA Championship Trophy.

A smaller than regulation gold ball atop a narrow waste-paper basket. Oh no, wait, I get it, it's a net, with a very narrow diameter. The ball clearly will not fit in it. Not very imaginative, and not very sturdy looking either. I wonder if it can stand up by itself without toppling over.

NFL's Lombardi Trophy.

Similar to the NBA trophy, it's the ball that gets the recognition. A silver football resting on a pedastal. I like this trophy, though. Like the man it is
named after, it is timeless and classy. Also looks like it would make a good weapon.

NHL's Stanley Cup.

The Holy Grail. The hardest to win trophy in all of sports is also the best. You think anyone wants to carry that baseball thing around and kiss it in front of thousands of fans?

Ironically, the worst trophy in all of sports is also a hockey trophy, the World Cup of Hockey Trophy.

Ughh.

I'm sure when it was introduced the phrase "oh, shit" was heard more than once. They did their best, hired an art guy and everything. Nothing says hockey like a fragile piece of glass, eh? This should be named the Stanley Roper Cup. As boring and unimaginative as the character from "Three's Company".

______________________________________________________________

On another topic, Dick Vitale was on the radio this morning, and what does it say about morning radio, and about me, that I couldn't muster the effort to reach over and press one of the other pre-set buttons? So I'm listening to this human Vesuvius as he entombs yet another 5 minutes under a layer of molten cliches, when he says, "Tom Brady is the Derek Jeter of sports." Brilliant. And Lexus is the Cadillac of Automobiles.

What does that leave for Derek Jeter to be the Derek Jeter of? Bartending? Cancer research? I know, it's my fault. I could just turn it off. And listen to what? Stern?

Only 9 weeks to go until the Masters. I wonder if I can hold my nose that long.