by Rob Vertullo
I thought I'd waste a few moments not by reading a good book or exercising but rather by deciding which sports trophy I like best. I'm only going to include the major sports: football, basketball, hockey, and baseball. Don't go complaining that the Nextel Cup should be on the list. One, NASCAR is not a sport, it's 100,000 people applauding a colossal squandering of petroleum. Two, it's the Winston Cup, and cell phones cause cancer, too. You're not fooling anybody.
So here they are in increasing order of non-shittiness:
Major League Baseball's Championship Trophy.
Don't know if it has a name, but I know it doesn't deserve one. I can't even find a photo on the internet. Looks like an overgrown ashtray. The greatest moment for this thing ever was when George Costanza tied it to his bumper and drove it around the parking lot in an effort to get fired.
[Note: I found a picture of the MLB "World Championship" Trophy, and man, it's uglier than I thought. It must be much better looking when you're wearing champagne goggles. -JK]
NBA Championship Trophy.
A smaller than regulation gold ball atop a narrow waste-paper basket. Oh no, wait, I get it, it's a net, with a very narrow diameter. The ball clearly will not fit in it. Not very imaginative, and not very sturdy looking either. I wonder if it can stand up by itself without toppling over.
NFL's Lombardi Trophy.
Similar to the NBA trophy, it's the ball that gets the recognition. A silver football resting on a pedastal. I like this trophy, though. Like the man it is
named after, it is timeless and classy. Also looks like it would make a good weapon.
NHL's Stanley Cup.
The Holy Grail. The hardest to win trophy in all of sports is also the best. You think anyone wants to carry that baseball thing around and kiss it in front of thousands of fans?
Ironically, the worst trophy in all of sports is also a hockey trophy, the World Cup of Hockey Trophy.
Ughh.
I'm sure when it was introduced the phrase "oh, shit" was heard more than once. They did their best, hired an art guy and everything. Nothing says hockey like a fragile piece of glass, eh? This should be named the Stanley Roper Cup. As boring and unimaginative as the character from "Three's Company".
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On another topic, Dick Vitale was on the radio this morning, and what does it say about morning radio, and about me, that I couldn't muster the effort to reach over and press one of the other pre-set buttons? So I'm listening to this human Vesuvius as he entombs yet another 5 minutes under a layer of molten cliches, when he says, "Tom Brady is the Derek Jeter of sports." Brilliant. And Lexus is the Cadillac of Automobiles.
What does that leave for Derek Jeter to be the Derek Jeter of? Bartending? Cancer research? I know, it's my fault. I could just turn it off. And listen to what? Stern?
Only 9 weeks to go until the Masters. I wonder if I can hold my nose that long.