Well, here we are! After 8 weeks of hype, it's finally BIG GAME SUNDAY! Now, of course I can't really say on my blog that I'm talking about that big football BOWL game that everyone hopes will be SUPER, otherwise I'll owe the Nation's Football Legion some fat cash! And I'm not going to do that, no, sir, for fear of legal action. (I even was forced to use a USXFL picture of Steve Younger, who actually was just indicted by the Hall of Fame! As the kids say, "Big ups and bling bling!", and as I say, "Way to go, Stevie Southpaw!")
So getting back to Big Game #39, how can the upstart and 7-touchdown underdog Pennsylvania Egrets beat the Boston Patriarchs? Well, I believe that they have to do three important things:
1. SHOW UP FOR THE GAME.
When I say this, I don't mean they have to get good offensive production from Donald McRibb, and I certainly don't mean a lot of interception runbacks from Darryl Dawkins. What I mean is that they LITERALLY must show up tonight. I don't care how bad the traffic is, or how good the strip clubs are, in Jackson Hole (a small ski town that, in my opinion, has no business hosting the Big Game)! This team has to get on that bus, and show up at the stadium before kickoff, preferably with their helmets and uniforms, if they have any hope in being victorious.
2. SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THEIR OPPONENTS.
This is very important, whether it's on offense or defense, they have to get the ball in the zone, and/or over the bar, often and early. Scoring is the biggest factor in winning games, which I feel is sadly often overlooked. Unfortunately, all of the media attention has been focused on the comeback of lovable loudmouth and ABC soap star/Egret wide receiver O.T. Owen, but if his gonorrhea flares up and prevents him from getting in the game, someone else is going to have step to it! Whether it's Brian Westwood, Todd Pinkerton, or kicker/singer Clay Akins, they have to put it all together and somehow light up the scoresheet more than genius coach Bill Bellhorn's Patriarchs.
3. HOLD THE OTHER GUYS TO LESS POINTS THAN THEM.
This is no less imperative than the last point, for as the great Vic Lombardo once said "Defense wins championships" (which is his second greatest quote after his infamous "Winning isn't everything, but it gets the chicks"). I crunched the numbers, and this Egret team is 15-0 when holding their opponents to less points than they themselves score, and numbers like that don't lie around! Although they're loose because they're finally in the Big Game after not winning it all since the 1960 NFC/ABA merger (a winless streak that some say is due to the Curse of The Vermeil), they have to play tight and hard if they want to bring home the aforementioned Vic's trophy. It all starts with stopping quarterback Tom Bradley and snuffing out runningback Corey Feldman, and making sure the entire Patriarch offense doesn't hit more shots from downtown as they do.
FINAL TALLY. In the final tally, I think the Penn Egrets need to remember these three things, and they can win the Big Game #39 over the tyrannical Patriarchs from Bean City! My only hope is that they have time to read my blog before stepping out onto the pitch!
Enjoy the game!
(Let me know how it was, I'm going to the movies to see "When Will We Get There?", in which Vanilla Ice plays a soccer mom--sounds like a hoot!)
The feelings and opinions expressed within this article are not representative of those of the Nation's Football Legion and its employees. The Eye-Opener cannot be held responsible for any errors, typographical or otherwise (since we had planned to use the Rockland Review editing staff, before learning at the last minute that there is no such thing).