MESS NETWORK


They're doing it to me again, getting my hopes up, just so they can be crushed.

The Mets are at .500 again, completing a 3 game sweep of the Phillies last night at the new Citizen Spank Park. The shocker: they did it thanks to aging hipster Todd Zeile. Obviously, if you rely on a 38 year old to carry your team, well, that's not going to last. Hey, I'm happy for them, but it's cautious optimism at best. Give me a call in late July, after they play the Yankees a few times. And remember, they just got swept by the Marlins last weekend, so now this just makes everything even.

Jason Mastaitis of the great Always Amazin' Mets Blog puts it best:

As for the Mets themselves, I really don't know what to make of this team. I'm thrilled that they won and again inched closer to first but I'm starting to get a bit wary of them. They're like that cute girl in the bar, you know the one, that will flirt with you all evening, get your hopes up a bit, then disappear. You never have any expectations going in but she strings you along just enough to get you a little bit excited -- and then she suddenly leaves. That's what I feel like right now, I'm thrilled every time they win, every time they get close, but then they seem to invariably let me down. They tease you a bit with a few wins, get you excited by getting over .500, then drop you hard with a three game sweep (the sweep by the Marlins was their third sweep this season). Of course, it all doesn't really matter because you go home, sleep it off, and flirt with someone else the next day. *sigh*

However, the most disturbing news is that they want to create their own network, a horrible trend started by none other than the Yankees and their YES Network. Damn you, Steinbrenner! Anyway, here's some possible names, starting with the obvious:

MESS: Mets Entertainment and Sports Station
MOB: Mets Official Baseball Network
MetNet: Mets Network.
MOOKIE: Mets Outlet for Officially Kreating Information & Entertainment

Okay, that last one was a stretch.

MY FAVORITE NEW COMEDY SITE


Of course, after Oprah's site, which is unintentionally funny, this site is a blast. I first got hooked on "Something Awful" when I stumbled upon "Your Band Sucks". It's amazing how much funny stuff they post on this: "Comedy Goldmine", "Photoshop Phriday", and the movie and video game reviews. Priceless stuff.

Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid.

WHAT'S MY BEEF TODAY?

That's another thing. It's a STATE LAW that you can't talk on the phone while driving in New York, but it's perfectly fine to simultaneously drink your Starbucks latte, eat a Slim Fast bar, fix your hair in the rear view mirror, write out a check, tend to the kids in the back seat, stare at the GPS display, hold a rat-sized dog on your lap, and change all 6 CDs, while driving the incorrect way through a parking lot with angled spaces and arrow-shaped markings that clearly indicate which way you should be driving. Brilliant!

I actually had someone glare at ME yesterday after I had to swerve out of the way of his car, which was going the wrong way in the parking lot, as I pointed and mouthed "wrong way" to try to illustrate how he was in error. So I'm the bad guy for pointing out his ignorance. Amazing. Well, it might have been the finger that I pointed with that he took offense to . . .

Karl had an idea for "The Shave-Phone™":

I think the shave-phone is the next thing I'll buy. "But officer... I was shaving. I don't care what you thought you saw."

The dual-purpose vibrate function gives you a closer shave, while indicating that you have an incoming call!

And is there any technical term worse than "Bluetooth"? It makes it sound like you have a nasty dental problem that needs immediate attention.

Rob said he didn't watch the entire movie, but I just wanted to point out that the ending of that new Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch "Planet of the Apes" movie defies all logic. It's almost as if Tim Burton didn't even understand the ending of the original one, so he thought there was nothing wrong with his completely incongruous and implausible ending. I watched that thinking, "WTF? But why was--? How could they--? Did the apes travel back in time with Marty McFly?" Ponderous, f***ing ponderous.

And what is with those off-white colored uniforms that the San Diego Padres are wearing? Is that ecru or eggshell? Actually, it looks like our old cream colored 1972 Dodge Dart with the blue vinyl seats. Hideous.

Remember Jay Leno's "What's my beef?" back when he and David Letterman were funny? Does anybody remember laughter?

Check out Bill Simmons' column for some great non sequitur writing (with some sports thrown in there):
Bill Simmons: Another edition of the Ramblings.

·Only the NHL would decide one day, "Hey, let's switch it around, we'll have the home teams wear dark uniforms. This won't be confusing at all."
·Part of me can't wait for "The Sopranos" to wrap up, just so the kid who plays A.J. Soprano can finally go off the deep end and become the next Adam Rich.
·Speaking of TV series, it's been 10 years ... why hasn't "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" been spun off into his own series yet? Would anyone have been against this? Has there ever been a character with more potential who received less screen time, with the possible exception of coach Fenstock? Even the title of the show would have been cool: "The Wolf." I don't get it.
·Was Jesse Palmer just sitting around thinking, "What's the most drastic thing I could do that will make it pretty much impossible for people to take me seriously as a QB for the rest of eternity? How can I throw away my entire career in one fell swoop? There's must be something I can do. Hey ... wait a second ..."
·When the NHL lockout happens this summer, shouldn't we cryogenically freeze Barry Melrose like the British did with Austin Powers?

ADVERTEASING/FIGHT THE M3POWER™

I'm thankful for advertising every day. If it wasn't for ads, I wouldn't know what to buy, or have anything to complain about. I like it when they qualify these car sales claims with "The best selling mid-size luxury SUV in its class!". Well, your car is the ONLY mid-size luxury SUV on the market! And then they go one step further to say it's in a class by itself.

Isn't it false advertising to call your team the "White Sox", when they clearly wear black socks? "Take a look in my binoculars, dear! This is clearly NOT the team I paid good money to see! Come on, we're leaving, and I'm demanding a refund!"

They should start marketing XTREME cigarettes. CAMEL XTREME CANCER RISK UNFILTERED MENTHOL LIGHTS!

By the way, I'm pleased to announce that Gillette is no longer standing with their c**ks in their hands selling three blades and a strip. They now have a battery operated razor! Introducing the M3Power™ with Micro-Power™ and PowerGlide™ blades! I like how they name their shaving "technology"; some are hyphenated, while others clearly deserve InterCapitalization. Being a person that shaves, I had to find out more about this "technology"!

According to the website, "a motor sends micro-pulses to the blades [which] raise[s] hair up and away from skin so you can shave closer". Oooo, "micro-pulses" (another hyphen)! So that means the whole thing vibrates. Great. And not only do I have to constantly buy expensive new razor cartridges, I also have to replace the battery! Super. I wonder, how many "micro-meters" thin are the new PowerGlide™ blades? Well, that nebulous, vague description of what these incredibly sharp razor blades are really doing to my face sure does satisfy me, so there was no need for them to explain any further. But as if they were Mind-Readers™, Gillette anticipated the next burning question I had:

How do I use M3Power™?
Press the button to turn on M3Power™. Shave normally. Press the button again to turn it off.

Wow, I would NEVER have thought of that! But here's my favorite part of the website:

Here's what men who have tried it have to say about their shaving experience:
"The micro-pulses seemed to make the shave closer."
(But what the hell do I know? That's what it said on the box.)

"After trying the razor for the first time, I really liked how it felt. I knew it was safe to use."
(Well, honestly, I don't know for sure if it's safe, it was just a hunch. But it didn't remove the top layer of skin, and I didn't get a shock, so it MUST be safe. Right?)

I wish these websites would be up front and say, "Here's what our team of marketing guys and lawyers came up to convince you to spend $15 on this thing."

A planet where apes evolved from man? If they only had Gillette razors, you wouldn't be able to tell who was who! Get your hands off of my M3Power™, you damn dirty ape!


-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2004 9:48 AM

Speaking of scratching off your skin, I watched "Planet of the Apes" the other night. If not for Estella Warren there would not be a single watchable moment in this film. But how did she always have lipstick on? Too bad they didn't stick to the original and not allow the humans to talk. Even the apes thought her acting technique needed to evolve for another million years or so. In the immortal words of Jay Sherman, "If the movie stinks, just don't go. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic".


"Vertullo, Robert G
05/27/2004 08:45 AM

Is it happy hour yet? Ughhhhh.

We really should be thankful for advertising. It gives so much opportunity for showcasing the insidious evil of corporate America and the mindless apathy of the average American. Today's topic: The hottest selling. We've all heard the ads. "The Ford Vapid is the hottest selling car in the Tri-State area!!!" Never mind that the "Tri-State area is rather ill defined and amorphous. The real question is, on what scale are they measuring the hotness of car sales? Kelvin? The Florentine Thermoscope? Is this any reason to buy a car? Because it's the hottest selling? I wonder what other immeasurable quantities advertisers can use to promote sales. "Chevy trucks are the smoothest selling trucks in the few blocks around where my grandmother lives" "Sales of the Mazda Minutia are totally shiny this month!" Jeff, go to a car dealer and tell them you want to know what the tallest selling vehicle on the lot is. Then be like, "no, I'm not talking about headroom, I want the tallest SELLING car. Jeez, you people just don't get it"

Oh by the way, there's volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge. Does this need to be in every traffic report? Just have that as the default, and in the unlikely event that there isn't volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge, you can tell us.

Lots of upsets at the French Open. Hey, do you really want to win in a country that gives awards and accolades to Michael Moore? I heard most of the players, in a tribute to the French military, are simply giving up after the first game.

A French construction company is speculating that the airport collapse was probably caused by construction errors. For example, the hiring of a French construction company. Also cited was the 45 minute work day construction workers demanded, and the fact that a good portion of the "concrete" used was actually just day old baguettes. Construction foreman Jean Phillipe Gaston de Rue Marquis Versailles said, "Perhaps eef we ad some jugglers on ze site, we do a better job, eh?"

2004 NFL DRAFT MUSINGS


GIANTS GET ELI MANNING

-----Original Message-----
From: Kammann, Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:35 AM

Eh. Who knows? THEY sure think he's going to be great, giving away all those picks and Rivers for him. So let's see how he does with no offensive line! My problem is that he's a little whiner already, so I can't wait to see how he handles New York and its world famous media. Here's the thing: if they had kept Rivers or gotten Ryanleaflisberger instead, no one would expect anything, and any success would be gravy. But because they have a Manning now, if they don't go to the playoffs, he's a failure. It's just the way it is, but it's a lot of pressure to put on a kid who's barely old enough to drink. And I didn't think Kerry Collins was their biggest problem.

-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:42 AM

Eli wants to play in NY and not San Diego? Did anyone tell Eli about a little thing we have here in New York called winter? That's when most of the important games will be played. Has he thrown a ball into a 40mph wind on a -5 degree day? The Giants could have traded with San Diego before the draft, gotten Gallery, San Diego gets Rivers with the 4th pick, everyone is happy. The Giants haven't had a good draft since the 12th of never. They just don't know how it works.

*************************************************

Bill Simmons (ESPN Page 2 Sports Guy) quote:

(By the way, could somebody break the news to Eli that there isn't a better place to live in America than San Diego? Does he know this? Who cares about wins and losses? San Diego has seals! And hot chicks! And 80-degree weather! Somebody remind Eli of this stuff when he's shoveling snow in front of his condo in Hoboken next November.)

SURFSTOPPERS

Kris' Surfstoppers:
Sat 4/24/2004 4:40 AM

I have to say, MTV, MTV2, and MTV9432. This almost falls under porn, but also under the whole cops, "will this guy die" feeling. Usually this exists for music videos ("Holy Sh!t I think I just saw nipple") and shows like Jackass ("How long can he sit in this shopping cart before he falls and the friction from the asphalt stops him dead in his tracks")

Other's (this is non-inclusive list because I just woke up and it's all I can think of now)
- FOX News (I feel so dirty for watching, but I can't always change the channel)
- Infomercials ("No, I can't believe that this one machine can do all of THAT")
- This morning show on the channel M6 here, it's called something like "Everyone gets to talk" or something like that...It's basically 5 thirty year olds that act like they're 15 - it's terrible, but for some reason if I am watching TV at 8:30 in the morning, I can't not watch it for a few minutes.
- Most any Clint Eastwood movie on Basic Cable or Broadcast (there's never any of the good ones, it's always movies like "The Gauntlet" or the one with the monkey where Clint (or the monkey) is a boxer or one of the Dirty Harry movies).

That's it for now, I am sure I will think of more as the day progresses.


*******************************************************
Rob's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 8:44 AM

Unfortunately, sandwitched between some of my favorite channels, Food Network at 231, Fine Living at 232, FX at 247, and Comedy Central at 249, is E! at 236. For some reason I cannot surf past the show where camera wielding psychos chase around 2nd rate actors and actresses. I don't even know the name of it. But I can't think of anything funnier than fat bald guys scrambling like Marines to get a photo of Shannen Doherty getting in/out of a car. Or a half drunk Paris Hilton stumbling around on the sidewalk, or Vince Vaughn spitting on someone. After a few minutes of this, I have to bathe in boiling lysol and gargle with lye, but it gets me every time.


*******************************************************
Kris' additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:10 AM

Oh, yeah, How could I forget the E! channel...I'm with Rob on that...Whether it's 13 yr olds wearing nothing but a beer soaked bikini or the aforementioned B-movie actor search, when I'm surfing I can't
miss that channel...

MTV here or maybe it's MTV2 or MTV videos, I don't really know...Anyway, they have this show called Wildboys with one of the Jackasses...It's like a travel show but with a "Jackass attitude" and it's just retarded...This hairy overweigh man and one of the jackasses swam naked with Great White Sharks on the last show I saw (actually the only show)...Unfortunately this show had the distinct advantage of being one of the only programs in english, so I ended up watching it for ~15 minutes and then went looking for refuge in the French History channel...


*******************************************************
Rob's additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:33 AM

Oh, you know what else? Every time I see either "Goodfellas" or "Casino" on USA, I have to watch a few minutes. I love the way they cover up the expetives. "Forget you!! No! Forget YOU!!!" Goodfellas was a great movie, but I've seen it enough now that it doesn't have any impact anymore. Casino was never really that great. But they are solid time wasters while you are waiting for The Daily Show to begin. "A Bronx Tale" is almost in this category, but it really isn't on that often.


*******************************************************
Karl's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:55 AM

-Any "Forum" show that I accidentally stop on and watch people fighting on.
-Access Hollywood. I explain to Shawna that our tv might be hooked up to a Nielson box and we should not give them ratings.
-Old Seinfelds.
-Cartoon Network, just to see how removed I am from cartoons as a kid.
-MASH, just because.


*******************************************************
My additions:
Monday, April 26, 2004 12:31 PM

Can the Nielsen company hook up your TV to a ratings box without your knowledge of it, like the KGB? Yeah, I stumbled across that paparazzi show on E! recently, I think it's called "Celebrities Uncensored". Hey, it shoots low and it hits. I mean, the plot of this show doesn't get any deeper than "Here's Britney Spears tripping over a curb and showing her butt crack", and people watch it.

The best thing about my current (antiquated) TV viewing set up is that if I don't ever want to watch a particular channel, I just delete it from my channel set up on my VCR/TV--bam, it's gone! So the numbers have been crunched, and I regret to inform you that Telemundo, QVC, Lifetime, Home Shopping Network, Women's Entertainment, Hallmark, Soap Opera Channel, Univision, Shop NBC, PAX, CSPAN (all of them) and E! did not make the cut. Why can't all cable/satellite boxes be like that? I know you can program "favorites" into DirecTV, but why can't you say, "These are the channels I never want to ever stumble upon ever again." Well, maybe you can do that under "parental controls", I'm not sure.

Anyway, I did a lot of surfing yesterday, and since golf was rained out, the NBA and arena football suck, and baseball and hockey no longer hold my interest, I'll have to add a few things to the Surfstopper list:

"Iron Chef". Makes the list only because it's so inherently dumb (the slo-mo instant replays of a sous chef using a blender comes to mind), and the dubbing of Japanese actors is fantastic, that it stops me for a while. The new "Iron Chef America" is a huge letdown, largely because I miss the dubbing. BTW, they couldn't find anyone more prominent to "judge" this "competition" than the actors who play J. Peterman on "Seinfeld", and Gunther from "Friends"? It's like having Paula Abdul tell you whether or not you can sing--oh, never mind! I guess they're going for irony. But really, the whole show is pointless unless you have a bunch of sea urchins and don't know how to prepare them.

"Mythbusters". Doesn't really fit my definition, because it's semi-educational and I don't feel horrible after watching it. By the way, you get wetter when you run in the pouring rain vs. just walking in it. Yes, it's been proven.

SURFSTOPPER: 2004 NFL DRAFT


I might have to add "NFL Draft" to my surfstopper list. Yeah, it's only a once a year thing, but I kept tuning in. I'm fascinated that they can televise this thing for two days straight and still find sh!t to talk about. I half expect Jerry Lewis to jump out during the 10th hour of this thing and belt out "You'll Never Walk Alone", with the Manning family in the front row looking all glassy-eyed. But really, what can anyone possibly have to say about a sixth round wide receiver from Nebraska-Omaha? Are they afraid a future Tom Brady or Terrell Davis is going to slip by them in the later rounds, and they weren't there to say something about him?

My favorite late round draft pick names:

COLBY BOCKWOLDT
JEFF SMOKER
JONATHAN SMITH (no really, what's your REAL name?)
VONTEZ DUFF

Mmmm, Vontez Duff.

Honing the comedy act @ Walsh's Pub on Friday . . .

-My name for Brian Roethlisberger: RYANLEAFLISBERGER.

-John Sterling trying to add excitement to a dreadfully boring Yankee game:
"The Yankees bunt! TH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH YANKEES BUNT!"
"Th-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh Yankees take second base due to defensive indifference!"

-Joe DiMaggio insisting that he be referred to as "The Greatest Non-Living Baseball Player".

-In other news, Rob bought the "NapMaster 5000" for his new apartment. Congratulations!

SURFSTOPPERS!


I'm trying to compile a list of "Surfstoppers". This is defined as a movie or TV program that makes you stop flipping for a while, and then once you come to your senses and switch it off, you immediately feel guilty for the time you just wasted on it. Note: "Porn" is not an acceptable answer, it has to be basic cable fare. You can't include "functional" channels like Weather Channel or the TV Guide Channel. And it can't be a show that you would normally watch, or tape/TiVo, just a random show that you end up watching when nothing else you like is on.

The ultimate surfstopper is "Cops". This is the one which all others are compared to. No one ever tapes it. No one talks about it around the water cooler. No one goes out of their way to watch it. You don't hear: "Well, I'd love to meet for dinner at 8, but could we make it later? There's a new "Cops" on tonight." You just stumble upon it, and you immediately hit a redneck rubbernecking delay. By the next commercial break, you snap out of it, and switch on an educational program on PBS to cleanse yourself.

What would make you stop?

For me the other night, it was "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan". It stopped my thumb dead, because I wanted to see the legends Montalban and Shatner trading their patented wooden acting moves, not to mention Ricardo's plastic breastplate makeup, and I ended up stuck in this movie's tractor beam for about 15 minutes. Other shows/movies in this category:

*"Maximum eXposure"/"You Gotta See This!" They're essentially the same show. Hard to peel your eyes off of.
*Billiard trick shots on ESPN2. Don't ask me why, but it's infinitely better than "World Series of Poker".
*"Blind Date". Some of the "thought bubbles" they come up with on this show are hilarious.
*"Modern Marvels". I'm in awe of this stuff. My jaw drops as I exclaim, "Wow, that's a big crane!"
*"American Chopper". I've never watched this from start to finish, but I think I've now seen every show in nonsequential 15 minute increments.
*"Point Break". The ultimate 100% pure train wreck of a movie, predating the current "extreme" movies, sports, shows and marketing campaigns for the Mountain Dew generation. Swayze, Keanu, Busey, Petty--any questions? (SEE ALSO: "Road House".)
*Any Sean Connery "James Bond" movie.
*Any Schwarzenegger comedy.

Barry Bonds will face Roger Clemens tonight in Houston, needing one HR to tie Willie Mays. What do you want to see happen?

a. Bonds hitting a HR to tie Mays
b. Bonds hitting multiple HRs to surpass Mays
c. Bonds gets intentionally walked
d. Clemens beaning Bonds with the first pitch
e. Clemens beaning him and then hurling a broken bat at him
f. Bonds breaking his bat. The end of the bat goes into Clemens chest, killing him instantly, before he can say another stupid thing. The ball is caught for an out, but not before Bonds twists his ankle on the bag running it out for a career ending injury.
g. Bonds is put in as a relief pitcher to face Clemens, and beans HIM in the head
h. Bonds is arrested for illegal steroid use at home plate
i. Clemens and Bonds are united in gay marriage by President Bush
j. Clemens throws at Bonds' head. During ensuing bench-clearing brawl, Clemens grabs Bonds, ripping his shirt and his breast is exposed; both later claim "uniform malfunction"

(I chose "e", Rob chose "d", and Karl submitted "f".)

So basically, I'm just going to post whatever funny ideas we come up with, either in our conversations or our daily e-mailing. There's a lot of comedy gold out there, so if we just mine it properly, I think we can cash in.

EYE-OPENER

This is a site dedicated to the new morning show that we're trying to get on the air. It's called "Eye-Opener", and it's the morning show that we envision will be the next big thing. We're sick of waking up and turning on the TV, only to have some perky, insightful, informative, helpful, caring, talking head flapping their gums in our collective ears. We're sick of waking up PERIOD. Where is the morning show for those who are exhausted and hungover? Who do you turn to if you just got back from the bar, and don't want to go to work? Where is the funny banter that you need to ease you into another miserable day? It's right here, on the EYE-OPENER.

The concept is this: after we survive a night of drinking, and only a few hours of sleep, and we basically roll out of bed and switch on the cameras. We begrudgingly yet humorously point out the absurdities of life, love, entertainment, sports, and society in general. No helpful consumer news, no cooking demonstrations, no annoyingly inaccurate weather forecasts, no rush hour traffic updates, no political pundits, no fashion tips--you can get those anywhere. Most of all, we're not going to talk down to you, we're going to talk TO you. We know how you feel, because we're feeling it too.

EYE-OPENER. Kicking a$$ and taking naps.

(Holy crap, those lights are so f***ing bright they HURT, could you take it down a notch?)

Here's the current model for today's "superstore". They greet you at the door, "Welcome to [insert store name here]!" While you're browsing, they bug you 50 times, "Do you need any help?" Most of the time, you decline, but when you actually DO need assistance, they have no clue. Then they ask you at the checkout, "Did you find what you were looking for today?" and you say "Yes" 100% of the time, even if it's not true.

I used to love to go into a store and the employees knew what they were selling. For example, if you were looking for a certain record, you used to be able to go into a small independent record store and you could get some actual info on it. The employees knew what they were talking about. But those places are disappearing fast, replaced with these big stores where they look at you strange and just type it into a computer. Great, I could have done that.

That's the problem with people today: they don't really "know" anything, they figure they can always Google it. I call it the Googlization of America.