Here's a new feature where I break down the lyrics of a song and explain why I have such intense hatred for the songwriter responsible for it. Here we go!
_______________________________________________________
I must have been through about a million girls
Oh really? A million, eh? Hmmm, that sounds like an awful lot. I noticed he says "about", so I suppose this is a conservative estimate. Even so, the claimed number of sexual conquests is approximately equal to the number of females aged 18 to 65 in the entire state of Utah. So if we assume that the author began dating at age 15 and wrote this song at age 29, that's 15 years, or 5480 days (with leap years), meaning he would have to "gone through" almost 183 girls a day. No one can go through that many cigarettes in a day. Of course, if his name is to be believed and he is truly an "elven bishop", it's possible that he is a magical immortal being who is also the leader of a Mormon church, thus making his claim more plausible. Let's move on.
I'd love 'em and I'd leave 'em alone
If his definition of "lovin'" and "being through" various women actually consists of sex with each and every one of them, we're talking one girl every 9 minutes, without sleeping. At this rate, I'm not sure that most of them would even realize that he "left 'em alone".
I didn't care how much they cried, no sir
It would be hard to build an emotional connection to anyone when your world is moving at 8 girls an hour, but this seems particularly heartless.
Their tears left me cold as a stone
This line proves that he is merely a sex machine with no soul (which is the polar opposite of James Brown).
But then I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Since I met you baby
This song took a dramatic shift in subject with the chorus. When the word "love" is in the title of a song, we have to ask "Who is this written to?" Clearly, this song is written for a woman that the author "ended up with". That's a hell of a way to start off a love song. Plus, all of that bragging is lost on a woman; all it says to her is that you're a walking STD that has probably fathered 10,000 illegitimate children (assuming birth control is 99% effective).
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
Free, on my own that's the way I used to be
Bad move: you will NEVER score points with a chick by stating how much you miss your freedom.
Ah, but since I met you baby
Love's got a hold on me
Instead of blaming the woman, he's blaming his loss of independence on a completely obtuse notion of "love". Scapegoatism at its finest. Pure transference.
It's got a hold on me now
I can't let go of you baby
I'm thinking that there must be some sort of blackmail involved that does not allow him to "let go", but he doesn't elaborate.
I can't stop lovin' you now
'Cause I fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around, fell in love
Wait, so is he going to whip out this song for their 40th anniversary? I hope to God that doesn't happen. If there is any God, this chick would have left him after this song came out.
Fooled around, fooled around, yes I did
Fooled around, fooled around, fooled around
I fell in love, yes I did
Yes. Indeed. How fucking romantic.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
-----Original Message-----
In an ongoing spectacular Eye-Opener blog comedy series now entitled "-----Original Message-----" (at least this week), Rob got the ball (eventually) rolling on Friday with this e-mail:
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 10:41 AM
Your choice
1) Is the phrase "chronic clock watcher" redundant?
2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore? Example: Mr. Bill from SNL
3) What is still funny?
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:31 PM
>2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore?
Guys who do impressions, like Rich Little. He must have been on "The Tonight Show" 4,000 times back in the day. And how about that guy from "Police Academy"! A laugh riot!
>3) What is still funny?
Making fun of hippies.
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:33 PM
Good ones.
Not so funny anymore: Steve Martin's "King Tut" bit. Was that ever funny? Someone must have thought so.
Still funny: Ralph Kramden's "Man from Space" costume.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:46 PM
"King Tut" is just incredibly dated (he's my favorite honky?). I dug it when I was 7, but it's easily the worst part of the "Wild and Crazy Guy" album, the vast majority of which is still funny.
No longer funny:
"The Streak" by Ray Stevens. This was a novelty song that sold MILLIONS of copies back in the 70s. I can't believe that was ever considered funny.
"Good Morning, Vietnam". Okay, maybe I'm being rough on Robin Williams, but I don't think so. This was even considered one of AFI's Top 100 funniest movies, but it's virtually unwatchable.
The Chipmunks.
Still funny:
"Some Like It Hot"
"Airplane!"
(Other) guys getting hit in the groin.
Richard Pryor.
From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:49 PM
American's Funniest Home videos is no longer funny; Wait, maybe the correct sentence construction is American's Funniest Home video is still not funny...
Slapshot is.
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 10:41 AM
Your choice
1) Is the phrase "chronic clock watcher" redundant?
2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore? Example: Mr. Bill from SNL
3) What is still funny?
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:31 PM
>2) What used to be considered funny but isn't so funny anymore?
Guys who do impressions, like Rich Little. He must have been on "The Tonight Show" 4,000 times back in the day. And how about that guy from "Police Academy"! A laugh riot!
>3) What is still funny?
Making fun of hippies.
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:33 PM
Good ones.
Not so funny anymore: Steve Martin's "King Tut" bit. Was that ever funny? Someone must have thought so.
Still funny: Ralph Kramden's "Man from Space" costume.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:46 PM
"King Tut" is just incredibly dated (he's my favorite honky?). I dug it when I was 7, but it's easily the worst part of the "Wild and Crazy Guy" album, the vast majority of which is still funny.
No longer funny:
"The Streak" by Ray Stevens. This was a novelty song that sold MILLIONS of copies back in the 70s. I can't believe that was ever considered funny.
"Good Morning, Vietnam". Okay, maybe I'm being rough on Robin Williams, but I don't think so. This was even considered one of AFI's Top 100 funniest movies, but it's virtually unwatchable.
The Chipmunks.
Still funny:
"Some Like It Hot"
"Airplane!"
(Other) guys getting hit in the groin.
Richard Pryor.
From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:49 PM
American's Funniest Home videos is no longer funny; Wait, maybe the correct sentence construction is American's Funniest Home video is still not funny...
Slapshot is.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:17 PM
AFV is still on the air. My god, I've always hated that show.
I'm wondering which list "Office Space" will be on in about 10 years, it's still pretty damn funny.
Everyone still thinks the original "Producers" movie is funny, but it's hard to sit through because it's so dated.
No longer funny:
Prank phone callers, like "The Jerky Boys".
"Cops"
Jim Carrey
The flapping dickie
Still funny:
"Dr. Strangelove"
"Airplane!"
The pie in the face
The French
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:25 PM
Not funny: "Smokey and the Bandit" movies.
Still funny: Burt Reynolds' attempts at serious acting.
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:17 PM
AFV is still on the air. My god, I've always hated that show.
I'm wondering which list "Office Space" will be on in about 10 years, it's still pretty damn funny.
Everyone still thinks the original "Producers" movie is funny, but it's hard to sit through because it's so dated.
No longer funny:
Prank phone callers, like "The Jerky Boys".
"Cops"
Jim Carrey
The flapping dickie
Still funny:
"Dr. Strangelove"
"Airplane!"
The pie in the face
The French
From: Rob V
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:25 PM
Not funny: "Smokey and the Bandit" movies.
Still funny: Burt Reynolds' attempts at serious acting.
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:32 PM
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:32 PM
No longer funny: Chevy Chase, Billy Crystal
Still funny: Bill Murray, Bob Newhart
From: Kris S
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:57 PM
I don't know, I'm on the fence about "Cops." Drunk rednecks are surprisingly durable on the funny factor in my book
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 5:00 PM
It was funny at first, because you think that these people are an anomaly. But after 10 years of the show, you realize that this represents the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES. Like how NASCAR fans outnumber hockey fans and baseball fans COMBINED. Not so funny NOW, is it?
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 4:57 PM
I don't know, I'm on the fence about "Cops." Drunk rednecks are surprisingly durable on the funny factor in my book
From: Jeff K
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 5:00 PM
It was funny at first, because you think that these people are an anomaly. But after 10 years of the show, you realize that this represents the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES. Like how NASCAR fans outnumber hockey fans and baseball fans COMBINED. Not so funny NOW, is it?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
CHUCK KLOSTERMAN'S TOP 10 OTHER THINGS THAT MATTERED (JUNE 2005)
Chuck Klosterman is an uber-geek-hipster, and I mean that in a good way. I'm currently reading his collection of essays called Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, which is so jam packed with pop culture that the milk spills out of the bowl as you try to consume it. In other words, it's right up my alley (after skipping the sections about the Real World). Not for the faint of heart, but very, very witty. He writes for SPIN and Esquire magazines, and also has a pretty well thought out article about baseball and Bonds on ESPN Page 2, the most telling quote being: "The end of numbers -- in the only realm where numbers matter".
Anyway, in the grand tradition of the blog (if it has any tradition at all), I decided to steal one of his SPIN articles verbatim and post it here, because I thought it was funny, and because there seem to be a lot of "lists" on the Eye-Opener lately.
_______________________
Forget the top 100 albums. Here are the top 10 other things that mattered.
Off the Record
By: Chuck Klosterman
June 20, 2005
For 20 years, Spin has saved your life. Are you interested in modern-rock bands like Nirvana and Kula Shaker? Read Spin. Did you once suspect that AIDS is not caused by HIV? Spin understands you. Are you being attacked by snow leopards and/or leprechauns on a daily basis? A Spin editor will personally come to your home and exterminate them. This is what we do.
As part of our ongoing messianic duties, this month's issue examines the 100 best records of the past two decades. I know what you're thinking: "But there must be more to life than mere albums, right?" Right! And maybe someone needs to rank those things, right? Perhaps! So here they are: The Ten Best Proper Nouns of the Spin Era That Are Not Albums (or EPs), as Selected by People Who Are Currently in My Office.
10. "Paradise City," Guns N' Roses (rock video, 1988) Dressed like a glam-metal Tom Wolfe and chucking his sunglasses at no one in particular, Axl Rose came dangerously close to making GNR the new incarnation of the Rolling Stones. Which was what everyone was hoping would happen, and (obviously) didn't happen, or even come close to happening. But this video could not be any better than it is, particularly when Steven Adler points at New York City from a boat, unconsciously implying that this place is, in fact, where the girls are pretty.
9. Slacker, Richard Linklater (indie film, 1991) If you watch this movie today, it feels cliche; so many people have copied Linklater's aesthetic that the novelty is gone. But there was a time when Slacker seemed profoundly weird, and when the idea of telling stories without narrative was mildly revolutionary, and when the people living inside this movie were alien hipsters who looked like all the people in your life whom you'd never actually met. The first time I watched Slacker was the summer of 1992. My friend and I kept waiting for the characters to eventually collide with each other. They never did, so we immediately watched it again. They didn't collide the second time, either. But they kind of do now.
8. "Cut Your Hair" video, Pavement, as critiqued on Beavis and Butt-head (mixed media, 1994) Beavis frenetically implores the band to try harder, and they do not respond. Retrospectively incisive!
7. "Setting Sun," the Chemical Brothers with Noel Gallagher (single, 1996) After this song came out, everybody was supposed to start listening to electronica because it was going to be the new rock'n'roll. I spent a lot of intellectual energy preparing for this, and I was pretty stoked about the potential drugs. As it turns out, electronica was the musical equivalent of New Coke. But "Setting Sun" was rather mind-accelerating (both then and now). Also, I miss coming home from the bar during telecasts of MTV's Amp.
6. Mike Tyson (force of nature, 1986–1990) Before he became a self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal (or more accurately, before he became a public self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal), seeing Mike Tyson punch people in the rib cage was like witnessing the 1945 atomic-bomb tests in rural New Mexico. In the early '90s I once watched a highlight reel of Tyson knockouts with a roomful of intoxicated medical students who punctuated every blow with phrases like "Ooh! That's gonna generate some pancreatic inflammation!" and "Oof! I can't believe that dude's sternum didn't just collapse." Those were good times.
5. Mitch Hedberg (comedian, 1968–2005) The funniest comedian of the past 20 years, dead at age 37 (for no goddamn reason). And Jimmy Fallon will probably live to be 110.
4. "All I Want for Christmas Is You," Mariah Carey (feel-good hit of the Advent, 1994) Definitely the best Christmas song since "Christmas Wrapping" (the Waitresses), possibly the best Christmas song since "Jesus Christ" (Big Star), and arguably the best Christmas song since "O Little Town of Bethlehem" (various artists).
3. The first episode of Freaks and Geeks (doomed TV show, 1999) This pilot's closing scene (set at the high school homecoming dance, featuring "Come Sail Away" by Styx) is better than 90 percent of what's been on network television since 1986.
2. The S1Ws (paramilitary hip-hop accoutrement, 1987–1990) It's hard to imagine a better job than being an operative in Public Enemy's "Security of the First World," an occupation that primarily involved marching around like a Black Panther while a man wearing a kitchen clock bemoaned the response time of EMTs. However, this vocation required more versatility than I realized at the time; in the recently released PE documentary, It Takes a Nation: London Invasion 1987, Professor Griff mentions that the S1Ws were also available to provide crowd control at random social functions (although I assume that did not include bar mitzvahs).
1. The "J Mascis Is God" cover of Spin (magazine, 1993) How crazy was that?
_______________________
Chuck Klosterman is the author of "Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story" and is a senior writer for Spin magazine and columnist for Esquire. He writes once a month for ESPN Page 2.
Anyway, in the grand tradition of the blog (if it has any tradition at all), I decided to steal one of his SPIN articles verbatim and post it here, because I thought it was funny, and because there seem to be a lot of "lists" on the Eye-Opener lately.
_______________________
Forget the top 100 albums. Here are the top 10 other things that mattered.
Off the Record
By: Chuck Klosterman
June 20, 2005
For 20 years, Spin has saved your life. Are you interested in modern-rock bands like Nirvana and Kula Shaker? Read Spin. Did you once suspect that AIDS is not caused by HIV? Spin understands you. Are you being attacked by snow leopards and/or leprechauns on a daily basis? A Spin editor will personally come to your home and exterminate them. This is what we do.
As part of our ongoing messianic duties, this month's issue examines the 100 best records of the past two decades. I know what you're thinking: "But there must be more to life than mere albums, right?" Right! And maybe someone needs to rank those things, right? Perhaps! So here they are: The Ten Best Proper Nouns of the Spin Era That Are Not Albums (or EPs), as Selected by People Who Are Currently in My Office.
10. "Paradise City," Guns N' Roses (rock video, 1988) Dressed like a glam-metal Tom Wolfe and chucking his sunglasses at no one in particular, Axl Rose came dangerously close to making GNR the new incarnation of the Rolling Stones. Which was what everyone was hoping would happen, and (obviously) didn't happen, or even come close to happening. But this video could not be any better than it is, particularly when Steven Adler points at New York City from a boat, unconsciously implying that this place is, in fact, where the girls are pretty.
9. Slacker, Richard Linklater (indie film, 1991) If you watch this movie today, it feels cliche; so many people have copied Linklater's aesthetic that the novelty is gone. But there was a time when Slacker seemed profoundly weird, and when the idea of telling stories without narrative was mildly revolutionary, and when the people living inside this movie were alien hipsters who looked like all the people in your life whom you'd never actually met. The first time I watched Slacker was the summer of 1992. My friend and I kept waiting for the characters to eventually collide with each other. They never did, so we immediately watched it again. They didn't collide the second time, either. But they kind of do now.
8. "Cut Your Hair" video, Pavement, as critiqued on Beavis and Butt-head (mixed media, 1994) Beavis frenetically implores the band to try harder, and they do not respond. Retrospectively incisive!
7. "Setting Sun," the Chemical Brothers with Noel Gallagher (single, 1996) After this song came out, everybody was supposed to start listening to electronica because it was going to be the new rock'n'roll. I spent a lot of intellectual energy preparing for this, and I was pretty stoked about the potential drugs. As it turns out, electronica was the musical equivalent of New Coke. But "Setting Sun" was rather mind-accelerating (both then and now). Also, I miss coming home from the bar during telecasts of MTV's Amp.
6. Mike Tyson (force of nature, 1986–1990) Before he became a self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal (or more accurately, before he became a public self-destructive, sociopathic cannibal), seeing Mike Tyson punch people in the rib cage was like witnessing the 1945 atomic-bomb tests in rural New Mexico. In the early '90s I once watched a highlight reel of Tyson knockouts with a roomful of intoxicated medical students who punctuated every blow with phrases like "Ooh! That's gonna generate some pancreatic inflammation!" and "Oof! I can't believe that dude's sternum didn't just collapse." Those were good times.
5. Mitch Hedberg (comedian, 1968–2005) The funniest comedian of the past 20 years, dead at age 37 (for no goddamn reason). And Jimmy Fallon will probably live to be 110.
4. "All I Want for Christmas Is You," Mariah Carey (feel-good hit of the Advent, 1994) Definitely the best Christmas song since "Christmas Wrapping" (the Waitresses), possibly the best Christmas song since "Jesus Christ" (Big Star), and arguably the best Christmas song since "O Little Town of Bethlehem" (various artists).
3. The first episode of Freaks and Geeks (doomed TV show, 1999) This pilot's closing scene (set at the high school homecoming dance, featuring "Come Sail Away" by Styx) is better than 90 percent of what's been on network television since 1986.
2. The S1Ws (paramilitary hip-hop accoutrement, 1987–1990) It's hard to imagine a better job than being an operative in Public Enemy's "Security of the First World," an occupation that primarily involved marching around like a Black Panther while a man wearing a kitchen clock bemoaned the response time of EMTs. However, this vocation required more versatility than I realized at the time; in the recently released PE documentary, It Takes a Nation: London Invasion 1987, Professor Griff mentions that the S1Ws were also available to provide crowd control at random social functions (although I assume that did not include bar mitzvahs).
1. The "J Mascis Is God" cover of Spin (magazine, 1993) How crazy was that?
_______________________
Chuck Klosterman is the author of "Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story" and is a senior writer for Spin magazine and columnist for Esquire. He writes once a month for ESPN Page 2.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
THURSDAY TIMEKILLER: KINDERGARTEN APTITUDE TEST
Karl started this Eye-Opener timekiller this afternoon:
Currently, there is an admission test that a student must pass in order to get into kindergarten. In your opinion, what should be on the test?
From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:07 PM
I think potty training needs to be on there. Also, the child should have to demonstrate some proficiency with small firearms, for public schools at least.
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:17 PM
I first thought the child should be able to distinguish a corkscrew from a bottle opener, and matches from a lighter.
Now, I think that the child should know that a squared plus b squared equals c squared.
T/F: I think they should be tested to see whether they think there is such thing as the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and an inexpensive lawyer.
They should be able to construct a well-thought-out essay on what is the most important invention of all time and why.
From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:29 PM
Q. Which of these should you kick? (choose all that apply)
a. a soccer ball
b. a stray dog
c. a fire hydrant
d. a $500/day smack habit
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:40 PM
I want to attend this Kindergarten because: (choose all that may apply)
a. Homeschooling a hippie fraud on the next generation
b. My mom wants to sleep with the gardener
c. I want to be the next JB Hunt
d. I'm under-infected and overmotivated toward learning
e. Otherwise, the lawsuit would be considered frivolous
From: Rob
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:01 PM
You are currently $30,000 in debt to the US government - True or False?
from: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:11 PM
Which one of the following is most important to you?
a. Government funding for health care and education
b. Freedom of speech
c. Racial equality
d. "The Wiggles"
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:16 PM
Which of the following do not belong:
a. vermouth
b. gin
c. olive
d. scotch
From: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:20 PM
How would you describe yourself?
a. "I am an outside-the-sandbox thinker."
b. "I am a proactive potty trainee."
c. "I am in tune with my core nap-time competencies."
d. "I like vanilla!"
From: Jeff K
Sent: 4/20/06, 3:37 PM
What do you feel is the greatest danger to the future of the United States?
a. Obesity
b. Global warming
c. Terrorism
d. Outsourcing
e. The Boogeyman
From: Karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:26 PM
I would consider myself to be:
a. the luckiest man on the face of the earth
b. likely to win the murder case, but lose the civil suit.
c. unlikely to aspire to the heights of say -a high school guidance counselor.
d. Pretty good at XBOX.
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:34 PM
These things really existed. True or false:
1. film photography
2. black and white television
3. respected politicians
4. smoking in public buildings and airplanes
5. white NBA players
From: Jeff K
Sne: 04/20/2006 03:51 PM
Which are you most adept at?
a. Singing songs
b. The see-saw
c. Digging
d. Taking orders
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:55 PM
What's the most valuable item per pound?
a. marijuana
b. diamonds
c. platinum
d. Bill Gates
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 4:17 PM
Which of the following is a word:
a. IPOD
b. XBOX
c. IBEX
d. LOL
Currently, there is an admission test that a student must pass in order to get into kindergarten. In your opinion, what should be on the test?
From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:07 PM
I think potty training needs to be on there. Also, the child should have to demonstrate some proficiency with small firearms, for public schools at least.
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:17 PM
I first thought the child should be able to distinguish a corkscrew from a bottle opener, and matches from a lighter.
Now, I think that the child should know that a squared plus b squared equals c squared.
T/F: I think they should be tested to see whether they think there is such thing as the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and an inexpensive lawyer.
They should be able to construct a well-thought-out essay on what is the most important invention of all time and why.
From: Rob
Sent: 04/20/2006 02:29 PM
Q. Which of these should you kick? (choose all that apply)
a. a soccer ball
b. a stray dog
c. a fire hydrant
d. a $500/day smack habit
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 2:40 PM
I want to attend this Kindergarten because: (choose all that may apply)
a. Homeschooling a hippie fraud on the next generation
b. My mom wants to sleep with the gardener
c. I want to be the next JB Hunt
d. I'm under-infected and overmotivated toward learning
e. Otherwise, the lawsuit would be considered frivolous
From: Rob
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:01 PM
You are currently $30,000 in debt to the US government - True or False?
from: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:11 PM
Which one of the following is most important to you?
a. Government funding for health care and education
b. Freedom of speech
c. Racial equality
d. "The Wiggles"
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:16 PM
Which of the following do not belong:
a. vermouth
b. gin
c. olive
d. scotch
From: Jeff K
Sent: 04/20/2006 03:20 PM
How would you describe yourself?
a. "I am an outside-the-sandbox thinker."
b. "I am a proactive potty trainee."
c. "I am in tune with my core nap-time competencies."
d. "I like vanilla!"
From: Jeff K
Sent: 4/20/06, 3:37 PM
What do you feel is the greatest danger to the future of the United States?
a. Obesity
b. Global warming
c. Terrorism
d. Outsourcing
e. The Boogeyman
From: Karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:26 PM
I would consider myself to be:
a. the luckiest man on the face of the earth
b. likely to win the murder case, but lose the civil suit.
c. unlikely to aspire to the heights of say -a high school guidance counselor.
d. Pretty good at XBOX.
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:34 PM
These things really existed. True or false:
1. film photography
2. black and white television
3. respected politicians
4. smoking in public buildings and airplanes
5. white NBA players
From: Jeff K
Sne: 04/20/2006 03:51 PM
Which are you most adept at?
a. Singing songs
b. The see-saw
c. Digging
d. Taking orders
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 3:55 PM
What's the most valuable item per pound?
a. marijuana
b. diamonds
c. platinum
d. Bill Gates
From: karl
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 4:17 PM
Which of the following is a word:
a. IPOD
b. XBOX
c. IBEX
d. LOL
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
TOP TEN THINGS THAT DIDN'T PISS ME OFF IN 2005
10. Grey Poupon Deli Style Mustard With Horseradish. We all remember the commercials in the 80s, which attempted to give their dijon products a highbrow mystique, only to become the butt of endless "Pardon me" jokes. Well, with this mustard, the Grey Poupon-ers have announced that they are not joking around. This grainy yellow magic in a bottle has a biting horseradish kick gives your tongue a once over, as it gives your palate a bit of a "how's your father?" Honorable mention: Ingelhoffer's Sweet Hot Mustard with Honey has a nice tangy taste, and goes really well with soft pretzels and baked ham.
9. "Extras". Although there are only 6 episodes (making it BBC's longest running series ever!), Ricky Gervais, the creator/writer/star of the original "The Office", serves up another great comedy about a pair of movie extras, one an office worker (Gervais) trying to get a speaking part, and the other a female actress (Ashley Jensen) just trying to get laid. It's your standard British "saying/doing the wrong thing and trying to politely talk your way out of an awkward situation", but it's done with first class panache and humor. And it certainly helps that the actors featured in the episodes, like Patrick Stewart, Ben Stiller and Kate Winslet, willingly take self-effacing shots at themselves in the name of comedy.
8. Brooklyn Beer Party Pack. This is an amazing collection of beers from the best brewery in the state of New York, who have a stable of beers that might even surpass Sam Adams. From top to bottom, this quality 6 x 4 pack is a great way to sample their best concoctions. The Brooklyn Brown Ale is a classic hearty ale that every bar should carry, if they know what's good for them; Brooklyn Winter Ale is a hearty treat, not dominated by the added spices like other winter ales tend to be; few stouts can hold a candle to the roasted malt masterpiece that is the Brooklyn Double Chocolate Stout; finally, the Belgian-inspired unfiltered Brooklyn Monster Ale, only found in this pack, certainly lives up to its name packing a wallop with its 10.2% alcohol content. Viva la Brooklyn!
7. "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Even though it was overlong (which eventually killed "Wedding Crashers", despite its hilarious first hour), this was easily the funniest movie of the year. I laughed when in one of the opening scenes the protagonist's apartment had a "MST3K" movie poster on the wall; this movie had me from the beginning and never failed to amuse me. Being 35 and single, there were way too many dating/friendship/social situations parodied here that I could relate to. It's the rare raunchy AND romantic comedy that manages to hit the nail on the head on both counts, without lowering itself into Rob Schneider toilet humor territory. And on top of that, Steve Carell gives his first "human" performance ever as the likeable lead, and the inclusion of Catherine Keener didn't hurt either.
6. Booker's Single Batch Kentucky Bourbon. Although Basil Hayden's (which should be on the 2004 list) is excellent, it's hard to top this stuff. Although it's 126 proof (!), it goes down incredibly smooth; you want to wait a while for the warmth to seep in before even thinking about chasing it. This spirit will single-handedly get me through another miserable winter.
5. "The Colbert Report". With tongue firmly in cheek, Steven Colbert skewers political opinion shows like "The O'Reilly Factor" on this "Daily Show" spin-off, and does a fantastic job. Whereas his former fake-news show and its host have become a little too whiny and self-important, this show doesn't have an agenda except to deliver top-notch comedy. The low-tech Colbert Nation website is classic as well. Brilliant stuff.
4. The return of NHL hockey. The revamped 2006 version of the sport has turned out to be pretty fun to watch with increased offense, no clutching and grabbing, and the emergence of some exciting young players, like Ovechkin, Lundqvist, Crosby, and Pruchka. The post-OT shootout, initially thought to be just a gimmick to convert non-hockey fans, actually adds some excitement to the end of a tie game. And that cartoonish through-the-legs shootout goal by Malik to win the game for the Rangers after 14 rounds was one of the highlights of the year.
3. Bourbon Street Bar & Restaurant, Nyack, NY. Early in the year, Rob jumped ship from Bruxelles to this establishment when one of their bartenders suggested that he try their food--and he's never looked back. Not only do they have excellent dishes like jambalaya and popcorn crawfish, but they sport the most attractive group of female employees in the area (I must chat with whoever's doing the hiring over there). Add to that their daily 2-for-1 happy hour, which includes the Brooklyn Lager, and you can't miss. It's a totally different place at night when the DJ shows up, but it's hard to beat before 10 PM. (Honorable mention: the closing of Zoo Bar.)
2. Golf. What more can I say? It just keeps getting better. From playing a few rounds in Florida in February, attending the 2005 PGA Tournament at Baltusrol, to the discovery of Berkshire Valley Golf Course, there's very little negative here. I managed to play more golf in one season than ever before (Rob, Karl and I actually played once a month during the middle of the year without even having to say we would). On top of that, the golf season on TV keeps getting longer and longer. This is a trend that I definitely I hope continues into '06. Oh Hensby, you've done it again!
1. New kids on the block. After a 7 year hiatus, my sister was back in the baby business this year with the production of Brandon Michael on December 7. Uncle Rob Vertullo also added to his stable of nieces and nephews with the addition of Ava Helen. Scott and Kerry Keenan also got into the act, bringing Sean Michael into the world on December 11. Good show!
9. "Extras". Although there are only 6 episodes (making it BBC's longest running series ever!), Ricky Gervais, the creator/writer/star of the original "The Office", serves up another great comedy about a pair of movie extras, one an office worker (Gervais) trying to get a speaking part, and the other a female actress (Ashley Jensen) just trying to get laid. It's your standard British "saying/doing the wrong thing and trying to politely talk your way out of an awkward situation", but it's done with first class panache and humor. And it certainly helps that the actors featured in the episodes, like Patrick Stewart, Ben Stiller and Kate Winslet, willingly take self-effacing shots at themselves in the name of comedy.
8. Brooklyn Beer Party Pack. This is an amazing collection of beers from the best brewery in the state of New York, who have a stable of beers that might even surpass Sam Adams. From top to bottom, this quality 6 x 4 pack is a great way to sample their best concoctions. The Brooklyn Brown Ale is a classic hearty ale that every bar should carry, if they know what's good for them; Brooklyn Winter Ale is a hearty treat, not dominated by the added spices like other winter ales tend to be; few stouts can hold a candle to the roasted malt masterpiece that is the Brooklyn Double Chocolate Stout; finally, the Belgian-inspired unfiltered Brooklyn Monster Ale, only found in this pack, certainly lives up to its name packing a wallop with its 10.2% alcohol content. Viva la Brooklyn!
7. "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Even though it was overlong (which eventually killed "Wedding Crashers", despite its hilarious first hour), this was easily the funniest movie of the year. I laughed when in one of the opening scenes the protagonist's apartment had a "MST3K" movie poster on the wall; this movie had me from the beginning and never failed to amuse me. Being 35 and single, there were way too many dating/friendship/social situations parodied here that I could relate to. It's the rare raunchy AND romantic comedy that manages to hit the nail on the head on both counts, without lowering itself into Rob Schneider toilet humor territory. And on top of that, Steve Carell gives his first "human" performance ever as the likeable lead, and the inclusion of Catherine Keener didn't hurt either.
6. Booker's Single Batch Kentucky Bourbon. Although Basil Hayden's (which should be on the 2004 list) is excellent, it's hard to top this stuff. Although it's 126 proof (!), it goes down incredibly smooth; you want to wait a while for the warmth to seep in before even thinking about chasing it. This spirit will single-handedly get me through another miserable winter.
5. "The Colbert Report". With tongue firmly in cheek, Steven Colbert skewers political opinion shows like "The O'Reilly Factor" on this "Daily Show" spin-off, and does a fantastic job. Whereas his former fake-news show and its host have become a little too whiny and self-important, this show doesn't have an agenda except to deliver top-notch comedy. The low-tech Colbert Nation website is classic as well. Brilliant stuff.
4. The return of NHL hockey. The revamped 2006 version of the sport has turned out to be pretty fun to watch with increased offense, no clutching and grabbing, and the emergence of some exciting young players, like Ovechkin, Lundqvist, Crosby, and Pruchka. The post-OT shootout, initially thought to be just a gimmick to convert non-hockey fans, actually adds some excitement to the end of a tie game. And that cartoonish through-the-legs shootout goal by Malik to win the game for the Rangers after 14 rounds was one of the highlights of the year.
3. Bourbon Street Bar & Restaurant, Nyack, NY. Early in the year, Rob jumped ship from Bruxelles to this establishment when one of their bartenders suggested that he try their food--and he's never looked back. Not only do they have excellent dishes like jambalaya and popcorn crawfish, but they sport the most attractive group of female employees in the area (I must chat with whoever's doing the hiring over there). Add to that their daily 2-for-1 happy hour, which includes the Brooklyn Lager, and you can't miss. It's a totally different place at night when the DJ shows up, but it's hard to beat before 10 PM. (Honorable mention: the closing of Zoo Bar.)
2. Golf. What more can I say? It just keeps getting better. From playing a few rounds in Florida in February, attending the 2005 PGA Tournament at Baltusrol, to the discovery of Berkshire Valley Golf Course, there's very little negative here. I managed to play more golf in one season than ever before (Rob, Karl and I actually played once a month during the middle of the year without even having to say we would). On top of that, the golf season on TV keeps getting longer and longer. This is a trend that I definitely I hope continues into '06. Oh Hensby, you've done it again!
1. New kids on the block. After a 7 year hiatus, my sister was back in the baby business this year with the production of Brandon Michael on December 7. Uncle Rob Vertullo also added to his stable of nieces and nephews with the addition of Ava Helen. Scott and Kerry Keenan also got into the act, bringing Sean Michael into the world on December 11. Good show!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
TOP 10 THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF IN 2005
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!
Yes, I'm back. I haven't blogged at all in the past two weeks, which I can directly attribute to being quite relaxed and generally happy after 11 straight days of good eating, drinking, sleeping, and 0% work--as a result, I just couldn't work up the energy to rant about anything. However, since we've hit the New Year hard and I'm back to the grind, I think it's about time to clean the snow off the rant machine and get it warmed up. But first, we're going to take a look back at 2005. Although you could just scroll through this blog for the past year's rants, I decided to follow the mainstream media who assumes that we all like Year in Review lists. As I started to draft this, I read The Onion's 10 Top Stories Of 2005 list, which was disheartening as it's surely better than anything I could come up with. In fact, if you want you can stop reading my blog and just visit their site. It's hilarious, especially the White House celebrating the 5th year without oral sex by eating a "perfectly square frostingless vanilla cake".
Okay, if you're still with me, I compiled a handy list of various targets of mine from the past year. Naturally, I couldn't narrow it down to just 10, so there are a lot of things I hate that I didn't mention, like: bald-faced lying steroid-ridden baseball players, the New York Mets, the asshole driver in front of me, dubious marketing practices, any interview with an athlete, record companies alienating consumers with copy protected (and unsecure) discs, lame Hollywood remakes, the idea of paying $156 a year (plus tax, hardware and car/home adapter) to listen to Howard Stern curse and fart with strippers--I've probably blogged the hell out of most of those. So this is what's left, "The Eye-Opener 2005 Year In Review: Top 10 Things That Pissed Me Off":
10. People beating each other up over purchasing Microsoft's XBOX 360. (Actually, I put this at #10, because it kind of makes me laugh.) What's the point of this, when Microsoft doesn't beat themselves up trying to create a secure Internet Explorer, or a competent version of their Office suite that retails for less than $350?. All it accomplished was giving this video game system free publicity, building up the hype even more than necessary, and making Bill Gates one of Time's "Persons of the Year". Well, he might have got that honor for giving away some of his spare billions, or something, I didn't buy the magazine.
9. DVD re-releases. Movie companies have figured out that the best way to bilk more money out of its customers is not by putting out better movies, but by continuingly re-releasing DVDs of existing films every few years. Surely some older movies benefit from advances in digital transfer technology, and certainly sound better with a complete Dolby surround sound remastering for the benefit of home theater fans. But why would I need to re-purchase "Toy Story 2"? The latest re-release of this animated Pixar feature is touted as "the best transfer ever", but this is an all-digital film created completely by computers and put directly onto a DVD--how can it get any better than that? Seriously, how did they screw it up the first time? It's worse when movies are just reissued with "commentaries", "deleted scenes" and "making-of documentaries", which will probably only be watched/listened to once anyway. For instance, I bought the "Office Space" widescreen DVD (released in 2000), only to see the release of the "Office Space: Special Edition With Flair" disc, a mere 5 years later, with miraculously unearthed deleted scenes (from the previous century, no less)! But the most disgusting display of greed has to be by the makers of the "Sin City" DVD. The original came out back in August, but you'd be shit-outta-luck now, as the December re-release (less than 5 months later!) rendered your dinosaur obsolete. From now on, I refuse to buy any movie DVDs until they decide once and for all that it's the last one they produce. Additional note: don't call something the "ultimate" edition if you plan to alter it and re-release it over and over again.
8. The NHL on OLN. No, I don't get this network on my cable lineup, and as it turns out I'm not missing much hockey. Seriously though, their lineup features "Wanted Ted Or Alive with Ted Nugent", "Professional Bull Riders: Total Bull" . . . and NHL hockey? It all seems like a cruel joke. And it gets worse: I found out that they only show hockey TWO DAYS A WEEK, Monday and Tuesday (Wednesday at midnight is an encore game, which doesn't count), for a grand total of 3 (sometimes up to 4!) hockey games. Besides the post game shows, the only other NHL related programming is a half hour documentary called "Homecoming", and something called "Mario Lemieux: Fearless". All told, in an average week (168 hours), only 14 hours is devoted to hockey (8%). Remind me again why I would pay extra to watch this channel? Since ESPN neither covers the NHL nor cares about it anymore, when is this Officially Lame Network, or anyone else, going to step up and show some hockey highlights? Or classic hockey games (meanwhile, ESPN Classic shows "Arli$$", but no hockey)? I would even tune in for the unintentional comedy of Don Cherry on "Hockey Night In Canada", or the occasional playing of "Strange Brew" or "Slap Shot". Is the NHL just temporarily biding its time until its popularity rebounds enough so it can get its own network? Let's hope so because, as the overdubbed clean version of "Fargo" would put it, this is a freezing joke.
7. "Arrested Development" being cancelled by FOX. Yeah, I know, you're probably sick of my griping about this, but why should I get a new TV if they cancel every decent show that's on it, and replace it with the likes of "Trading Spouses", "Supernanny", "Nanny 911", "Out of Practice", "How I Met Your Mother", "Skating With Celebrities", "Dancing With The Stars", and some annoying Freddie Prinze, Jr. show (which I refuse to research the title of, but I'll refer to as "Prinze In Charge").
6. "Celebutants"--just typing out that faux word makes me want to vomit blood. I can't describe to you how much I despise our country's fascination with vacuous dipshits like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, as if they serve any purpose or hold any cultural significance. The sheer amount of time and money wasted on the media coverage of these moronic "heir-heads" is just baffling to me, and I wish it would stop. While we're at it, let's quit caring about celebrity weddings and divorces too. Sweet lord.
5. The NFL. Vertullo put it best: "I love the Giants, but I hate the NFL." It's amazing that a sport with astronomical ratings and even higher annual profits would leave its in-game officiating to clueless amateurs. It's now a given that during every single game there will be at least a handful of questionable or outright blown calls, a moment where half a dozen referees look at each other in bewilderment while not making a call, and challenges/booth reviews that bring the game to a crashing halt. Why doesn't the NFL think that this is a problem? I guess I'm just going to have to wait until a Super Bowl or some other important game is decided by a horrible call. Oh wait, I forgot about the Tuck Rule, that propeled the Patriots towards their dynastic Super Bowl ways. Hmmm, another reason not to buy a new TV, because I'd probably end up putting my foot through it this postseason. Which brings me to . . .
4. TV manufacturers. After getting a defective Philips 30" widescreen HDTV for my birthday (I appreciated the gesture, though!), and shortly thereafter buying a similarly troubled Sony (which crapped out on the 29th day after I purchased it, luckily), I'm beginning to think that the third time may not be a charm for me. I don't know who/where these things are being produced, but I'm thinking they're slapped together by kids in a dilapidated warehouse in some Mexican town, whose citizens are more concerned with rampant poverty, drug gangs and cockfights. Add to this the difficulty in getting HD programming at all where I live, and the continuing demise of TV shows/pro sports/movies in general, and I'm wondering why I should bother.
3. ESPN. The demise of the standard bearer for all sports networks is pretty sad, really. "SportsCenter" has officially become a soul crushing bore filled with overanalysis and the latest Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds news at every turn, with little time for actual game highlights. Meanwhile, every other show on the channel features "sports reporters" yelling at each other, the pregame shows are longer than the actual games are, and the postgame shows feature enlightening insight such as Chris Berman's annoying shtick and ancient musical references as current as "Hotel California". In the network's continuing strive towards complete irrelevancy, they decided to close out 2005 with their very first New Years Eve Show for the Mentally Challenged. I didn't tune in, but from what little I saw it featured (in order of importance): pretty flashing lights, sports highlight clips thrown in at every possible moment (all of them for some reason featuring the Michigan women's softball championship), Stewart Scott, Little Steven, The Troggs--what more could you ask for? Not only that, but ESPN replayed this ponderous piece of crap at 1 AM, countdown and all. Just when I thought there couldn't be anything more useless than that, they upped the ante by replaying the 1996 National Spelling Bee finals the next day. It's official: ESPN is now neither entertainment nor sports. Enjoy your "World Series of Poker", celebrity bowling shows, and "ESPN Hollywood", and Happy New Year from the Worldwide Leader of Shit!
2. Celebrities/movie stars/musicians taking advantage of their names to vocalize their negative political views. This isn't a new thing, it's just getting more and more pervasive and irritating. I'm not a big fan of politicians in general, but my opinion counts just as much as any actor who "once played a politician", or singers who never served our country but wrote fist-pumping rock anthem about the subject. Overall, it's the negativity in their approach that I could do without. It's fine if you don't agree with the current governmental policies, it's not enough to just deride it; how about you suggest a workable solution instead of distilling your agenda down to "Bush must go"? That's the one thing that's refreshing about the approach of Bono (and others): he doesn't just whine about the problem, he actually tries to solve the problem in a positive way. Oh, and the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin still lives in the United States, even though he said he was moving out if W got re-elected. If you're going to be a giant blowhard at least stick to your promises, or you're a hypocrite and a liar just like the politicians you complain about.
1. Pharmaceutical commercials. Ugh, I've had enough already. It's time to declare a moratorium on showing ads for anxiety, cholesterol, and dick drugs on TV. Here's the deal: if you don't feel well, go to your doctor and he'll suggest a proper drug for your aliment, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! If we can eradicate these commercials and the backwards thinking they've created, all of the major drug manufacturers would be forced to use the billions they spend on advertising and marketing every year and put it back into research. I know, it sounds too simple, it couldn't possibly work.
HAPPY 2006!!!
Yes, I'm back. I haven't blogged at all in the past two weeks, which I can directly attribute to being quite relaxed and generally happy after 11 straight days of good eating, drinking, sleeping, and 0% work--as a result, I just couldn't work up the energy to rant about anything. However, since we've hit the New Year hard and I'm back to the grind, I think it's about time to clean the snow off the rant machine and get it warmed up. But first, we're going to take a look back at 2005. Although you could just scroll through this blog for the past year's rants, I decided to follow the mainstream media who assumes that we all like Year in Review lists. As I started to draft this, I read The Onion's 10 Top Stories Of 2005 list, which was disheartening as it's surely better than anything I could come up with. In fact, if you want you can stop reading my blog and just visit their site. It's hilarious, especially the White House celebrating the 5th year without oral sex by eating a "perfectly square frostingless vanilla cake".
Okay, if you're still with me, I compiled a handy list of various targets of mine from the past year. Naturally, I couldn't narrow it down to just 10, so there are a lot of things I hate that I didn't mention, like: bald-faced lying steroid-ridden baseball players, the New York Mets, the asshole driver in front of me, dubious marketing practices, any interview with an athlete, record companies alienating consumers with copy protected (and unsecure) discs, lame Hollywood remakes, the idea of paying $156 a year (plus tax, hardware and car/home adapter) to listen to Howard Stern curse and fart with strippers--I've probably blogged the hell out of most of those. So this is what's left, "The Eye-Opener 2005 Year In Review: Top 10 Things That Pissed Me Off":
10. People beating each other up over purchasing Microsoft's XBOX 360. (Actually, I put this at #10, because it kind of makes me laugh.) What's the point of this, when Microsoft doesn't beat themselves up trying to create a secure Internet Explorer, or a competent version of their Office suite that retails for less than $350?. All it accomplished was giving this video game system free publicity, building up the hype even more than necessary, and making Bill Gates one of Time's "Persons of the Year". Well, he might have got that honor for giving away some of his spare billions, or something, I didn't buy the magazine.
9. DVD re-releases. Movie companies have figured out that the best way to bilk more money out of its customers is not by putting out better movies, but by continuingly re-releasing DVDs of existing films every few years. Surely some older movies benefit from advances in digital transfer technology, and certainly sound better with a complete Dolby surround sound remastering for the benefit of home theater fans. But why would I need to re-purchase "Toy Story 2"? The latest re-release of this animated Pixar feature is touted as "the best transfer ever", but this is an all-digital film created completely by computers and put directly onto a DVD--how can it get any better than that? Seriously, how did they screw it up the first time? It's worse when movies are just reissued with "commentaries", "deleted scenes" and "making-of documentaries", which will probably only be watched/listened to once anyway. For instance, I bought the "Office Space" widescreen DVD (released in 2000), only to see the release of the "Office Space: Special Edition With Flair" disc, a mere 5 years later, with miraculously unearthed deleted scenes (from the previous century, no less)! But the most disgusting display of greed has to be by the makers of the "Sin City" DVD. The original came out back in August, but you'd be shit-outta-luck now, as the December re-release (less than 5 months later!) rendered your dinosaur obsolete. From now on, I refuse to buy any movie DVDs until they decide once and for all that it's the last one they produce. Additional note: don't call something the "ultimate" edition if you plan to alter it and re-release it over and over again.
8. The NHL on OLN. No, I don't get this network on my cable lineup, and as it turns out I'm not missing much hockey. Seriously though, their lineup features "Wanted Ted Or Alive with Ted Nugent", "Professional Bull Riders: Total Bull" . . . and NHL hockey? It all seems like a cruel joke. And it gets worse: I found out that they only show hockey TWO DAYS A WEEK, Monday and Tuesday (Wednesday at midnight is an encore game, which doesn't count), for a grand total of 3 (sometimes up to 4!) hockey games. Besides the post game shows, the only other NHL related programming is a half hour documentary called "Homecoming", and something called "Mario Lemieux: Fearless". All told, in an average week (168 hours), only 14 hours is devoted to hockey (8%). Remind me again why I would pay extra to watch this channel? Since ESPN neither covers the NHL nor cares about it anymore, when is this Officially Lame Network, or anyone else, going to step up and show some hockey highlights? Or classic hockey games (meanwhile, ESPN Classic shows "Arli$$", but no hockey)? I would even tune in for the unintentional comedy of Don Cherry on "Hockey Night In Canada", or the occasional playing of "Strange Brew" or "Slap Shot". Is the NHL just temporarily biding its time until its popularity rebounds enough so it can get its own network? Let's hope so because, as the overdubbed clean version of "Fargo" would put it, this is a freezing joke.
7. "Arrested Development" being cancelled by FOX. Yeah, I know, you're probably sick of my griping about this, but why should I get a new TV if they cancel every decent show that's on it, and replace it with the likes of "Trading Spouses", "Supernanny", "Nanny 911", "Out of Practice", "How I Met Your Mother", "Skating With Celebrities", "Dancing With The Stars", and some annoying Freddie Prinze, Jr. show (which I refuse to research the title of, but I'll refer to as "Prinze In Charge").
6. "Celebutants"--just typing out that faux word makes me want to vomit blood. I can't describe to you how much I despise our country's fascination with vacuous dipshits like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, as if they serve any purpose or hold any cultural significance. The sheer amount of time and money wasted on the media coverage of these moronic "heir-heads" is just baffling to me, and I wish it would stop. While we're at it, let's quit caring about celebrity weddings and divorces too. Sweet lord.
5. The NFL. Vertullo put it best: "I love the Giants, but I hate the NFL." It's amazing that a sport with astronomical ratings and even higher annual profits would leave its in-game officiating to clueless amateurs. It's now a given that during every single game there will be at least a handful of questionable or outright blown calls, a moment where half a dozen referees look at each other in bewilderment while not making a call, and challenges/booth reviews that bring the game to a crashing halt. Why doesn't the NFL think that this is a problem? I guess I'm just going to have to wait until a Super Bowl or some other important game is decided by a horrible call. Oh wait, I forgot about the Tuck Rule, that propeled the Patriots towards their dynastic Super Bowl ways. Hmmm, another reason not to buy a new TV, because I'd probably end up putting my foot through it this postseason. Which brings me to . . .
4. TV manufacturers. After getting a defective Philips 30" widescreen HDTV for my birthday (I appreciated the gesture, though!), and shortly thereafter buying a similarly troubled Sony (which crapped out on the 29th day after I purchased it, luckily), I'm beginning to think that the third time may not be a charm for me. I don't know who/where these things are being produced, but I'm thinking they're slapped together by kids in a dilapidated warehouse in some Mexican town, whose citizens are more concerned with rampant poverty, drug gangs and cockfights. Add to this the difficulty in getting HD programming at all where I live, and the continuing demise of TV shows/pro sports/movies in general, and I'm wondering why I should bother.
3. ESPN. The demise of the standard bearer for all sports networks is pretty sad, really. "SportsCenter" has officially become a soul crushing bore filled with overanalysis and the latest Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds news at every turn, with little time for actual game highlights. Meanwhile, every other show on the channel features "sports reporters" yelling at each other, the pregame shows are longer than the actual games are, and the postgame shows feature enlightening insight such as Chris Berman's annoying shtick and ancient musical references as current as "Hotel California". In the network's continuing strive towards complete irrelevancy, they decided to close out 2005 with their very first New Years Eve Show for the Mentally Challenged. I didn't tune in, but from what little I saw it featured (in order of importance): pretty flashing lights, sports highlight clips thrown in at every possible moment (all of them for some reason featuring the Michigan women's softball championship), Stewart Scott, Little Steven, The Troggs--what more could you ask for? Not only that, but ESPN replayed this ponderous piece of crap at 1 AM, countdown and all. Just when I thought there couldn't be anything more useless than that, they upped the ante by replaying the 1996 National Spelling Bee finals the next day. It's official: ESPN is now neither entertainment nor sports. Enjoy your "World Series of Poker", celebrity bowling shows, and "ESPN Hollywood", and Happy New Year from the Worldwide Leader of Shit!
2. Celebrities/movie stars/musicians taking advantage of their names to vocalize their negative political views. This isn't a new thing, it's just getting more and more pervasive and irritating. I'm not a big fan of politicians in general, but my opinion counts just as much as any actor who "once played a politician", or singers who never served our country but wrote fist-pumping rock anthem about the subject. Overall, it's the negativity in their approach that I could do without. It's fine if you don't agree with the current governmental policies, it's not enough to just deride it; how about you suggest a workable solution instead of distilling your agenda down to "Bush must go"? That's the one thing that's refreshing about the approach of Bono (and others): he doesn't just whine about the problem, he actually tries to solve the problem in a positive way. Oh, and the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin still lives in the United States, even though he said he was moving out if W got re-elected. If you're going to be a giant blowhard at least stick to your promises, or you're a hypocrite and a liar just like the politicians you complain about.
1. Pharmaceutical commercials. Ugh, I've had enough already. It's time to declare a moratorium on showing ads for anxiety, cholesterol, and dick drugs on TV. Here's the deal: if you don't feel well, go to your doctor and he'll suggest a proper drug for your aliment, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! If we can eradicate these commercials and the backwards thinking they've created, all of the major drug manufacturers would be forced to use the billions they spend on advertising and marketing every year and put it back into research. I know, it sounds too simple, it couldn't possibly work.
HAPPY 2006!!!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
NFL Names: The Good, The Bad and the Sissy
A name can mean a lot, and in the case of sports, it can make the difference between winning and losing. If you have a classic sounding name, you can go a long way. It's no mistake that Boomer Esiason never won anything, while Joe Montana gathered several rings in his NFL career. Marcus Allen has won championships, while Marty Fish has yet to land one. It's all in the name.
So let's take a look at some rules for NFL player names:
1. All names must pass the "John Facienda" test. Say the name in the classy baritone voice of former NFL Films narrator, like "Bronco Nagurski": if it sounds good, it passes.
2. First names that are too unusual have to go, and will be replaced by something more common. For instance, "De'Wayne" is not acceptable, so he can be "Wayne". All players named "Donte'" will simply be known as "Don", "La'Roi" will be called "Larry", and "Na'il" will be renamed "Neil". Naturally, Antwaan Randel El is now "Tony Randall".
3. Several players have potential, possessing good first names but bad last names, and vice versa, but are placed "on the fence" until one or both names is changed.
Without further ado, here is a sampling of current NFL player names.
The Good:
Kendrick Clancy
Alge Crumpler
Jerome Bettis
London Fletcher
Anquan Bolden
Takeo Spikes
Ty Law
Champ Bailey
Jeremy Shockey
Tedy Bruschi
Marcus Spears
Brian Urlacher
Osi Umenyiora
The Bad:
Chad Pennington
Corey Bradford
Julius Peppers
Drew Brees
Sage Rosenfels
Major Applewhite
Chad Clifton
A.J. Feeley
Jay Feely
Josh Scobee
Joey Harrington
The Sissy:
Ashley Lelie
Randall Gay
On The Fence:
Tiki Barber
Quentin Jammer
Brock Marion
Chad Slaughter
Sebastian Janikowski
That Can't Be Your Real Name:
Jeff Smoker
Pig Prather
Pacman Jones
Richie Incognito
So let's take a look at some rules for NFL player names:
1. All names must pass the "John Facienda" test. Say the name in the classy baritone voice of former NFL Films narrator, like "Bronco Nagurski": if it sounds good, it passes.
2. First names that are too unusual have to go, and will be replaced by something more common. For instance, "De'Wayne" is not acceptable, so he can be "Wayne". All players named "Donte'" will simply be known as "Don", "La'Roi" will be called "Larry", and "Na'il" will be renamed "Neil". Naturally, Antwaan Randel El is now "Tony Randall".
3. Several players have potential, possessing good first names but bad last names, and vice versa, but are placed "on the fence" until one or both names is changed.
Without further ado, here is a sampling of current NFL player names.
The Good:
Kendrick Clancy
Alge Crumpler
Jerome Bettis
London Fletcher
Anquan Bolden
Takeo Spikes
Ty Law
Champ Bailey
Jeremy Shockey
Tedy Bruschi
Marcus Spears
Brian Urlacher
Osi Umenyiora
The Bad:
Chad Pennington
Corey Bradford
Julius Peppers
Drew Brees
Sage Rosenfels
Major Applewhite
Chad Clifton
A.J. Feeley
Jay Feely
Josh Scobee
Joey Harrington
The Sissy:
Ashley Lelie
Randall Gay
On The Fence:
Tiki Barber
Quentin Jammer
Brock Marion
Chad Slaughter
Sebastian Janikowski
That Can't Be Your Real Name:
Jeff Smoker
Pig Prather
Pacman Jones
Richie Incognito
Friday, November 18, 2005
NOVEMBER MARCH MADNESS!
It's that time of the year: COLLEGE HOOPS is back! I know what you're saying, but trust me, you're wrong! Yes, it may be early, but not too early for November March Madness! Let's take a look at the NCAA basketball Sportsline RPI index (the Top 24 or so, I didn't really count)!
as of 11/18/2005
(Rank/School/Wins/Losses/RPI Index/SOS Rank/Strength of Schedule Index)
1 Syracuse 3 0 0.8929 16 0.5608
2 NC-Wilmington 3 0 0.8889 6 0.6296
3 Kentucky 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
3 Iowa 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
5 Albany 1 1 0.7583 8 0.6111
6 Florida 3 0 0.7440 43 0.4735
7 Texas Tech 2 1 0.7225 10 0.5873
8 Air Force 2 1 0.7016 15 0.5679
9 Texas 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
9 Samford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 Wofford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 West Virginia 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
13 Washington 3 0 0.6759 46 0.4568
14 Duke 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Drexel 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 UCLA 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Memphis 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
18 Northwestern 2 1 0.6296 17 0.5432
19 Wake Forest 2 1 0.6250 28 0.5000
20 Miami (Fla.) 2 1 0.6225 25 0.5185
21 Wisconsin-Green Bay 1 2 0.6029 6 0.6296
22 George Mason 1 1 0.6000 23 0.5222
23 Radford 2 1 0.5855 44 0.4691
24 Wyoming 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432
24 Butler 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432
Well, as they say, the numbers don't lie! As expected, some undefeated teams, and some usual suspects, are right there on top of the leaderboard. Will we see that dream matchup of Syracuse and North Carolina in the NCAA tourney finals? No, not the 2004-2005 NCAA Champion North Carolina Tarheels--when I say NC, of course I mean the Wilmington Seahawks! It will remain to be seen if they can keep their unbeaten streaks alive all season long!
As for the rest of the pack . . .
* Coach K's Duke Blue Devils may have the best team this year, but not if the great Albany Great Danes have anything to say about it! And those fiery Drexel Dragons are right on their heels--should be an exciting fight to the finish!
* The West Virginia Pittsnogels almost made it to the Final Four last year, but this time around they appear to be no match for Air Force's high flying attack!
* For the magic trio of Wofford, Samford, and Radford--that sweet smell is the Sweet 16! If this trend continues, Stanford can't be too far behind!
* Although they were squeezed by the Orange last night by 35 points, Don't Mess With Texas Tech!
* Does anyone really know where the hell Butler is? There's no way to know, but maybe this March we'll find out!
as of 11/18/2005
(Rank/School/Wins/Losses/RPI Index/SOS Rank/Strength of Schedule Index)
1 Syracuse 3 0 0.8929 16 0.5608
2 NC-Wilmington 3 0 0.8889 6 0.6296
3 Kentucky 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
3 Iowa 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
5 Albany 1 1 0.7583 8 0.6111
6 Florida 3 0 0.7440 43 0.4735
7 Texas Tech 2 1 0.7225 10 0.5873
8 Air Force 2 1 0.7016 15 0.5679
9 Texas 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
9 Samford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 Wofford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 West Virginia 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
13 Washington 3 0 0.6759 46 0.4568
14 Duke 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Drexel 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 UCLA 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Memphis 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
18 Northwestern 2 1 0.6296 17 0.5432
19 Wake Forest 2 1 0.6250 28 0.5000
20 Miami (Fla.) 2 1 0.6225 25 0.5185
21 Wisconsin-Green Bay 1 2 0.6029 6 0.6296
22 George Mason 1 1 0.6000 23 0.5222
23 Radford 2 1 0.5855 44 0.4691
24 Wyoming 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432
24 Butler 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432
Well, as they say, the numbers don't lie! As expected, some undefeated teams, and some usual suspects, are right there on top of the leaderboard. Will we see that dream matchup of Syracuse and North Carolina in the NCAA tourney finals? No, not the 2004-2005 NCAA Champion North Carolina Tarheels--when I say NC, of course I mean the Wilmington Seahawks! It will remain to be seen if they can keep their unbeaten streaks alive all season long!
As for the rest of the pack . . .
* Coach K's Duke Blue Devils may have the best team this year, but not if the great Albany Great Danes have anything to say about it! And those fiery Drexel Dragons are right on their heels--should be an exciting fight to the finish!
* The West Virginia Pittsnogels almost made it to the Final Four last year, but this time around they appear to be no match for Air Force's high flying attack!
* For the magic trio of Wofford, Samford, and Radford--that sweet smell is the Sweet 16! If this trend continues, Stanford can't be too far behind!
* Although they were squeezed by the Orange last night by 35 points, Don't Mess With Texas Tech!
* Does anyone really know where the hell Butler is? There's no way to know, but maybe this March we'll find out!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
RIAA: 50 CENT TO BE FEATURED ON ALL FUTURE MUSIC RELEASES
On the heels of strong sales of rap music in 2005, largely due to the quadruple platinum success of 50 Cent's "The Massacre" and its numerous charting singles, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has announced that every album and single released this year will contain 50 Cent. Music consumers have already seen the precursors to this trend in several singles already released during the past few years, including The Game featuring 50 Cent ("How We Do", "Hate It Or Love It"), Li'l Kim featuring 50 Cent ("Magic Stick"), Eminem featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent ("Encore"). However, his insertion into future recorded music will increase exponentially in the coming months, in hopes to increase holiday sales of both compact discs and downloadable digital media.
Earlier this year, 50 Cent turned heads in the music industry when he appeared on three singles simultaneously in the Top 10 ("Candy Shop" #1, "Disco Inferno" #5, "How We Do" #6, Billboard, April 7, 2005), something not achieved since the Beatles ruled the charts in the 1960s. Subsequent marketing studies lead by the RIAA in conjunction with the major record labels show that record sales across the board can be increased by spreading into untapped demographics, and have decided to insert 50 Cent in some way, shape or form into everyone's music library, regardless of genre.
A brief rundown of the titles to be released in the coming year:
* "Da Gang's All Herre" - Justin Timberlake featuring L'il Kim, Li'l Jon, (formerly L'il) Bow Wow, The Ying Yang Twins and 50 Cent;
* "Live On The Edge or Die Tryin'" - Aerosmith featuring 50 Cent;
* "Unforgettable: Special Edition" - Natalie Cole featuring 50 Cent and Nat King Cole (CD+DVD);
* "Under The Sea" - SpongeBob SquarePants & 50 Cent, featuring Chris Martin from Coldplay;
* "The Three Tenors featuring 50 Cent: Live In Brooklyn" - Carreras, Domingo, Pavarotti & 50 Cent;
* "Hoes Just Wanna Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper featuring 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg;
* "Guilty n' Sentenced To 18 Months Probation" - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb featuring 50 Cent;
* Mozart's Symphony No. 41 in C Major, K. 551 ("Jupiter"), performed by The London Philharmonic Orchestra featuring 50 Cent on third violin.
These releases follow a "special edition" of "The Massacre" just released by Interscope Records, which is bundled with special remixes and a DVD. As a part of RIAA's ongoing effort to counteract music piracy, each employs special anti-piracy protection. Any attempts to rip more than one copy of each song will result in the user's system becoming infected by a Trojan horse virus (TROJ_MASSACRE.50C) which renders the operating system useless, unless 50 Cent is featured in the desktop wallpaper, browser, and all default system sounds.
However, it doesn't end there, as projects are in the works that will be felt beyond far beyond your subwoofers. To continue the cross-marketing of the hip-hop superstar, a new expansion pack for the popular video game "Medal of Honor" will be released in late 2005 entitled "Medal of Honor: The Massacre Featuring 50 Cent". In this extremely realistic war simulation, he will be a featured voice actor as the Allied forces wage battles against the Japanese in the Pacific theater during 1944-1945 (however, his character cannot be equipped with any weaponry during the course of the game, since he pleaded no contest to an assault charge in May 2005 and cannot carry a gun in some states).
Upcoming TV appearances are also planned, as 50 Cent joins the cast of "The O.C. featuring 50 Cent", where he portrays the southern California county's only African-American resident. Additionally, Denny's Restaurants have announced the release of a new sandwich called "In Da Club Sandwich, featuring Roasted Turkey, Lettuce, Tomatoes and 50 Cent", for the introductory price of $5.99 (not available on white bread).
Earlier this year, 50 Cent turned heads in the music industry when he appeared on three singles simultaneously in the Top 10 ("Candy Shop" #1, "Disco Inferno" #5, "How We Do" #6, Billboard, April 7, 2005), something not achieved since the Beatles ruled the charts in the 1960s. Subsequent marketing studies lead by the RIAA in conjunction with the major record labels show that record sales across the board can be increased by spreading into untapped demographics, and have decided to insert 50 Cent in some way, shape or form into everyone's music library, regardless of genre.
A brief rundown of the titles to be released in the coming year:
* "Da Gang's All Herre" - Justin Timberlake featuring L'il Kim, Li'l Jon, (formerly L'il) Bow Wow, The Ying Yang Twins and 50 Cent;
* "Live On The Edge or Die Tryin'" - Aerosmith featuring 50 Cent;
* "Unforgettable: Special Edition" - Natalie Cole featuring 50 Cent and Nat King Cole (CD+DVD);
* "Under The Sea" - SpongeBob SquarePants & 50 Cent, featuring Chris Martin from Coldplay;
* "The Three Tenors featuring 50 Cent: Live In Brooklyn" - Carreras, Domingo, Pavarotti & 50 Cent;
* "Hoes Just Wanna Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper featuring 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg;
* "Guilty n' Sentenced To 18 Months Probation" - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb featuring 50 Cent;
* Mozart's Symphony No. 41 in C Major, K. 551 ("Jupiter"), performed by The London Philharmonic Orchestra featuring 50 Cent on third violin.
These releases follow a "special edition" of "The Massacre" just released by Interscope Records, which is bundled with special remixes and a DVD. As a part of RIAA's ongoing effort to counteract music piracy, each employs special anti-piracy protection. Any attempts to rip more than one copy of each song will result in the user's system becoming infected by a Trojan horse virus (TROJ_MASSACRE.50C) which renders the operating system useless, unless 50 Cent is featured in the desktop wallpaper, browser, and all default system sounds.
However, it doesn't end there, as projects are in the works that will be felt beyond far beyond your subwoofers. To continue the cross-marketing of the hip-hop superstar, a new expansion pack for the popular video game "Medal of Honor" will be released in late 2005 entitled "Medal of Honor: The Massacre Featuring 50 Cent". In this extremely realistic war simulation, he will be a featured voice actor as the Allied forces wage battles against the Japanese in the Pacific theater during 1944-1945 (however, his character cannot be equipped with any weaponry during the course of the game, since he pleaded no contest to an assault charge in May 2005 and cannot carry a gun in some states).
Upcoming TV appearances are also planned, as 50 Cent joins the cast of "The O.C. featuring 50 Cent", where he portrays the southern California county's only African-American resident. Additionally, Denny's Restaurants have announced the release of a new sandwich called "In Da Club Sandwich, featuring Roasted Turkey, Lettuce, Tomatoes and 50 Cent", for the introductory price of $5.99 (not available on white bread).
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
FUCK EVERYTHING, GILLETTE'S DOING FIVE BLADES
You might remember this Onion article about Gillette's next move, from February 2004. Well, it's happened. They've said f*** everything, they're doing five blades. [Thanks to Rob for pointing this out, otherwise I would have sh!t myself when I saw it in the store.]
The Onion "memo" and the official Gillette press release are eerily similar too:
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened-the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.
Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent-I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
Here's an excerpt from the Gillette press release (with the CEO dropping considerably less f-bombs). That's right, not only are the extra blades smaller and closer together (and, I would guess, practically invisible), they've even crammed a blade on the BACK OF THE CARTRIDGE. I wish I was making this up:
Gillette’s Next Generation Men’s Shaving Systems Start a Reaction
BOSTON, Mass., September 14, 2005 – The Gillette Company today announced the launch of Gillette Fusion™ and Gillette Fusion™ Power, revolutionary new wet shaving systems for men and the world’s first razors to feature advanced technology on the front and on the back of the blade cartridge. Both shaving systems outperform the world’s leading razors, MACH3Turbo and M3Power respectively, by incorporating breakthrough innovations that provide a dramatic increase in shaving closeness and comfort.
"Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving," said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. "Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership."
Both shaving systems feature a breakthrough 5 blade Shaving Surface™ technology on the front of the cartridge, with blades spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3
blades. The combination of adding more blades and narrowing the inter-blade span creates a "Shaving Surface" that distributes the shaving force across the blades, resulting in significantly less irritation and more comfort. The Precision Trimmer™ blade, a single blade on the back of the cartridge, allows men to easily trim sideburns, shave under the nose and shape facial hair with control and precision.
...
"The performance of Gillette Fusion and Fusion Power is unprecedented, and testing among thousands of consumers overwhelmingly proves these are the world’s best shaving systems," said Peter K. Hoffman, President, Blades and Razors, The Gillette Company. "We listened to consumers and developed products that meet the shaving needs of all men, with or without facial hair, to help them look and feel their very best."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Read that last statement again. They're so cocky, they think they can sell razors to men WITHOUT FACIAL HAIR. That's right, the PRESIDENT OF BLADES AND RAZORS is going to make you buy it, whether you need it or not, you son-of-a-bitch! I'm sure there was a marketing guy boggling his mind trying to figure out how to tap into the "hairless" demographic, to achieve complete market dominance. "It's not only how you look, it's how you feel, right? So somehow we have to convince men that if they don't buy the Fusion, they'll feel like complete assholes."
Here's my theory: the Gillette people saw the Onion article (it even has the CEO's real name on it), printed it out, hung it up on the wall, maybe even had a little conference featuring it in a funny PowerPoint presentation . . . and then actually got to work on creating a five blade razor. You think it's crazy? Well, it IS crazy. Don't question it. Don't say a word. We're on the edge, the razor's edge, and I feel like dancing.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
MISSING: JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY
This is kind of thing that steams my clams. It's the Natalee Holloway petition.
The petition is the most convoluted, ridiculous thing I've ever read, based not on facts or evidence, but solely on assumptions all gleaned from watching the media coverage of this story. A young girl on vacation is missing, and presumed dead, under mysterious circumstances. But because it's on the news every night people feel like they're entitled to know the truth, or worse: they already think they know what happened. Just because the media is sensationalizing it by counting the days ("Day 91: Missing in Aruba", like it's a frigging Nancy Drew book) and Greta von Something and Nancy Whatsherface are blabbing about it on TV non-stop every night, and the mother of the missing child is harassing suspects at their place of work in Aruba, it doesn't make the accusations any more valid, nor the case any closer to being solved. Basically, a little information is a dangerous thing, and that's all we have to go on. The media's constant coverage alone doesn't make it "apparent" that there's a conspiracy, it's merely the power of suggestion. Furthermore, since there's essentially no "new" news in this case, it serves no purpose other than to pray upon a parent's worst fear, just to get ratings. It's appalling.
Here's the 'fair and balanced' news: hundreds of people go missing every year, and they're never found. How come we don't have petitions for all of them? Is there no one missing in this country? Is there a special "American white girl" clause that I wasn't aware of? Because you watch 12 hours of MSNBCNN a day, that suddenly makes you an expert on Dutch law? Let's be honest: everything we know about the Dutch we learned from "Austin Powers in Goldmember". That's like saying I know a lot about Amsterdam because I drink a lot Amstel Light. How do we have the right to send in the FBI, and force US laws onto this case--because we're the US, and we say so?
Something obviously went horribly wrong and this girl ended up dead, and whether there was foul play or it was an accident, I can't make the call because I wasn't there. If the law enforcement in Aruba botched the investigation, it only shows that foreign countries are just as capable of ineptitude and negligence as we are (anyone heard of O.J. Simpson?). And if we're outraged over an alleged political cover up, we've got plenty of that in our own country to focus our attention on (Karl Rove, I'm looking at you). And although it's a horrible ordeal for the family and I don't wish it on anyone, it doesn't have anything to do with you or me.
The kicker is the "we will boycott Aruba" line in this petition. If the island of Aruba relies on American tourism for their income, don't you think that the Aruban officials are doing whatever they can to find out what happened? If they're covering up something, it only makes them look worse. Regardless, if you assume this is a massive conspiracy, and as a result you don't want to go to Aruba, don't go! Who's stopping you?
The petition is the most convoluted, ridiculous thing I've ever read, based not on facts or evidence, but solely on assumptions all gleaned from watching the media coverage of this story. A young girl on vacation is missing, and presumed dead, under mysterious circumstances. But because it's on the news every night people feel like they're entitled to know the truth, or worse: they already think they know what happened. Just because the media is sensationalizing it by counting the days ("Day 91: Missing in Aruba", like it's a frigging Nancy Drew book) and Greta von Something and Nancy Whatsherface are blabbing about it on TV non-stop every night, and the mother of the missing child is harassing suspects at their place of work in Aruba, it doesn't make the accusations any more valid, nor the case any closer to being solved. Basically, a little information is a dangerous thing, and that's all we have to go on. The media's constant coverage alone doesn't make it "apparent" that there's a conspiracy, it's merely the power of suggestion. Furthermore, since there's essentially no "new" news in this case, it serves no purpose other than to pray upon a parent's worst fear, just to get ratings. It's appalling.
Here's the 'fair and balanced' news: hundreds of people go missing every year, and they're never found. How come we don't have petitions for all of them? Is there no one missing in this country? Is there a special "American white girl" clause that I wasn't aware of? Because you watch 12 hours of MSNBCNN a day, that suddenly makes you an expert on Dutch law? Let's be honest: everything we know about the Dutch we learned from "Austin Powers in Goldmember". That's like saying I know a lot about Amsterdam because I drink a lot Amstel Light. How do we have the right to send in the FBI, and force US laws onto this case--because we're the US, and we say so?
Something obviously went horribly wrong and this girl ended up dead, and whether there was foul play or it was an accident, I can't make the call because I wasn't there. If the law enforcement in Aruba botched the investigation, it only shows that foreign countries are just as capable of ineptitude and negligence as we are (anyone heard of O.J. Simpson?). And if we're outraged over an alleged political cover up, we've got plenty of that in our own country to focus our attention on (Karl Rove, I'm looking at you). And although it's a horrible ordeal for the family and I don't wish it on anyone, it doesn't have anything to do with you or me.
The kicker is the "we will boycott Aruba" line in this petition. If the island of Aruba relies on American tourism for their income, don't you think that the Aruban officials are doing whatever they can to find out what happened? If they're covering up something, it only makes them look worse. Regardless, if you assume this is a massive conspiracy, and as a result you don't want to go to Aruba, don't go! Who's stopping you?
Thursday, August 25, 2005
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?
This just proves that they'll put anything on DVD nowadays, and I mean ANYTHING: "T.J. Hooker: The Complete 1st and 2nd Seasons" has been released. That's right, the triple threat of Shatner, Zmed and Locklear, in full digitized splendor, the way God intended. God, why have you betrayed us???
Instead of watching this crap, I have some other suggestions.
We'll start with perhaps one of the funniest Shatner moments (next to the SNL "Get a life" skit), when MTV had him spoof the movie "SE7EN" for the movie awards in 1996. Brilliant. Speaking of funny Canadians, it's Probert vs. Grimson from the "old" NHL, a crazy hockey goal, and the classic Daddy Drank from "Kids in the Hall".
Back in America (Fuck Yeah!), Conan's Walker, Texas Ranger Lever is hilarious, while Lewis Black in need of a new health plan, Robin Williams explains the origin of golf, and and Jim Rome "interviews" Chrissy "Jim" Everett.
We've also got some cartoon buffoonery! First, there's South Park's incredibly offensive, vile, and funny take on "The Aristocrats". And here are some Family Guy clips: Peter wins at Trivial Pursuit, a weird "banned" sex tape scene, Cookie Monster in rehab, and Chris takes on 'Take On Me', and the "Full Blown AIDS" song.
Will Ferrell, as late baseball announcer Harry Caray, asks the questions: Would you eat the moon if it was made of ribs? And if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Last, but surely not least, there's the Triumph trilogy, as he takes on the Wacko Jacko fans at the Michael Jackson Trial, some American Idol hopefuls, and the and Star Wars über-dorks. I never thought an insult comic dog puppet would be the funniest comedian of the past couple of years, but I don't see anyone else taking the crown. Except maybe George W. Bush. Everyone salute!
"You don't deal with lesser life forms? You must be a lonely guy! I keed, I keeeeed!!!"
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
VERBAL MASTICATION?
I just finished reading the Douglas Coupland book "Hey Nostradamus!" It was an interesting, quick read that unfortunately meandered and lost steam at the end. Coupland is a Canadian writer best known for his book "Generation X", a term which became a mid-90s media catch phrase to refer to every single young adult at the time. However, the first novel of his that I read was "Microserfs", a surprisingly heartwarming story about a group of Microsoft employees/slaves trying to become more human in the increasingly pervasive world of technology; the blend of character development and witty pop culture references has made it one of my favorite books, sort of a "Catcher in the Rye, Version 2.0 for Windows".
I've since read two other books of his, so I decided to check out his website for the first time last night. I'm not sure what I expected; maybe I was secretly hoping he was a normal guy who is just really good at acute observations about the struggles of modern life. In any case, I was blissfully unaware of anything but his novels, and after checking out his "art", I now wish that I had stayed that way. Among his "sculptures" are "hand-chewed" US $1 bills, a Gideon's Bible, and a copy of his "Generation X" book, all fashioned into nests and attached to tree branches.
All I can say is: WTF? I guess you have to accept the fact that anyone who has a brilliant creative mind is going to be a little "out there", but that's a little too freaky for me. Seriously, how does one get to the point where they decide to eat their own writings (of their own free will)? Now I'm going to think twice about picking up another one of his books.
In a not wholly unrelated story, I also picked up James Ellroy's "My Dark Places", an upbeat, whimsical novel about his, uhm, mother's unsolved murder (yeah, it's a regular party). On the cover it has a sticker that says "Signed By The Author", which is kind of cool, but I didn't take it seriously since it's a library copy. But sure enough I found the initials "J.E.", hastily scrawled in blue ink on the first blank page. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was rather odd.
Which brings this question to mind: can I order a Douglas Coupland novel that was "chewed and regurgitated by the author"?
I've since read two other books of his, so I decided to check out his website for the first time last night. I'm not sure what I expected; maybe I was secretly hoping he was a normal guy who is just really good at acute observations about the struggles of modern life. In any case, I was blissfully unaware of anything but his novels, and after checking out his "art", I now wish that I had stayed that way. Among his "sculptures" are "hand-chewed" US $1 bills, a Gideon's Bible, and a copy of his "Generation X" book, all fashioned into nests and attached to tree branches.
All I can say is: WTF? I guess you have to accept the fact that anyone who has a brilliant creative mind is going to be a little "out there", but that's a little too freaky for me. Seriously, how does one get to the point where they decide to eat their own writings (of their own free will)? Now I'm going to think twice about picking up another one of his books.
In a not wholly unrelated story, I also picked up James Ellroy's "My Dark Places", an upbeat, whimsical novel about his, uhm, mother's unsolved murder (yeah, it's a regular party). On the cover it has a sticker that says "Signed By The Author", which is kind of cool, but I didn't take it seriously since it's a library copy. But sure enough I found the initials "J.E.", hastily scrawled in blue ink on the first blank page. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was rather odd.
Which brings this question to mind: can I order a Douglas Coupland novel that was "chewed and regurgitated by the author"?
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
RAFAEL PALMEIRO'S BEST STEROID EXCUSES
I could have sworn I reached for the "I Can't Believe It's Not Steroids!" [kw]
They hated on Jesus, too. [rv]
During lunch with Barry Bonds, I felt a sharp piercing pain in buttock, and just assumed I sat on a pin "unintentionally" left in my Armani suit. [jk]
In the twilight of my career, I decided to focus my career on setting an example for children of the dangers of using performance enhancing drugs by getting 3000 hits, hitting 600 home runs, getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and getting more 40-year old nookie than any other ballplayer in history… [sk]
Those steroids shrink your twig and berry down to nothing, I HAD to take Viagra. Wait, what am I suspended for? [rv]
I decided at age 40 to become a two-sport star, and was merely "training" for the upcoming NFL season. [jk]
Probably an inadvertent sample switch at the lab. Those autosampling robotics things never maintain sample integrity. That pee could be anybody's. [kw]
I was trying to get steroids out of baseball, one syringeful at a time. [rv]
I was doing "research", like Pete Townshend. [kw]
When Canseco gave me the little blue pill, I obviously thought it was related to Jose's other known pursuit. [ks]
It must have been that medication I took for my Viaggravated Groin. [kw]
Must have been absorbed when I shook hands with all the other players that never took steroids at the congressional hearing. [sk]
I thought that being appointed to the government's "Steroids Task Force" actually meant I was REQUIRED to take them. [jk]
Apparently, one of my teammates is not such a good "clubhouse guy" after all. That's the last time I wear my "GOT PEE?" T-shirt around there! [kw]
As spokesman for "Dianabol-O's!" cereal, I'm required to eat 10 bowls per day. [rv]
Monday, July 25, 2005
WOXY MUSIC
I'll say it again: terrestrial radio both sucks AND blows. The latest offender in the NYC market is a thing called "Jack", which has just usurped longtime oldies station CBS 101.1 FM (which I didn't listen to either). The New York Times has informed me that it's just one of 18 automated, soulless stations that features the same taped voiceover actor making witty quips between the "hits" from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. There are also "Bob" (hits) and "Hank" (country hits) stations across the country I'm told. God help us. This whole "Jack" thing started in Vancouver, so we can blame Canada.
Meanwhile, I've been listening more and more to internet radio stations, in particular, WOXY.com. They started broadcasting in Cincinnati in 1982 as independent FM rock station until they couldn't break even anymore, and then became an internet-only venture. They might be the first station to do that. Anyway, I don't care if you listen since it might not be your cup of latte (they also have WOXY Vintage, if you'd prefer to be stuck in the 80s), but I thought I'd mention them since they like people linking to their site. I guess it increases awareness and their web traffic, which through some e-magic, ultimately leads to more money, which is always good. Now, if they could only get these guys on Sirius satellite radio, I might cave in and buy it . . .
Meanwhile, I've been listening more and more to internet radio stations, in particular, WOXY.com. They started broadcasting in Cincinnati in 1982 as independent FM rock station until they couldn't break even anymore, and then became an internet-only venture. They might be the first station to do that. Anyway, I don't care if you listen since it might not be your cup of latte (they also have WOXY Vintage, if you'd prefer to be stuck in the 80s), but I thought I'd mention them since they like people linking to their site. I guess it increases awareness and their web traffic, which through some e-magic, ultimately leads to more money, which is always good. Now, if they could only get these guys on Sirius satellite radio, I might cave in and buy it . . .
Friday, July 22, 2005
RANDOM TASKS
IT'S ABOUT THE FANS (EXCEPT FOR THAT LOCKOUT THING)! Today, they're ratifying the new NHL CBA at 3 PM, and holding the draft lottery at 4 PM. Afterwards, they're having a "NHL: We Love Our Fans" Picnic on Ice at 6:30 PM (hamburgers and cole slaw is $9, and beers are $11 each), the highlight of which is sure to be Goodenow and Bettman pairing up for the potato sack race, followed by an hour long "Hug A Defenseman" photo-op. Okay, I made that last part up. And I know they have to put a positive spin on everything to "get the fans back", but I think most people can see through the thick layer of post-lockout bullshit that they're spreading. After all, if it was really "about the fans", why did they cancel an entire season?
RUDY! RUDY! WAIT, RUDY? Now let me just say that first of all I like the man, and thought he was an absolute rock on during the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers. But just because he was mayor of New York City on 9/11 doesn't suddenly make him an expert on terrorism and mass transit security. In fact, wasn't he out of office long before Homeland Security was in effect, and years before the Madrid bombings raised concerns about security on buses, trains, and subways? Regardless, the glut of MSNBCNN type news channels have no problem interviewing him concerning the London bombings, even though he doesn't really have any real experience with it. Hey, they have to fill the time with SOMETHING besides the blonde teenager missing in Aruba.
WHAT WOULD T.O. DO?
I try to ignore athletes when they open their mouths, but sometimes you just can't avoid it. Sometimes they say interesting things, like Mike Schmidt on Bob Costas' new show, who said that he doesn't learn a damn thing about the game of baseball while listening to announcers like McCarver and Buck (not a surprise, but still funny). Most of the time, they give you nonsense cliches, However, the vast majority of the time, the stuff that spews forth is akin to Terrell Owens' latest bout of verbal diarrhea:
Owens, who wants a renegotiation of his seven-year, $49 million deal, which he signed last year, was asked about his contract conflict with the Eagles and told the Miami Herald, "I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?
Yeah sure, I see the similarities, Terrell Owens is a lot like Jesus Christ. For instance, while J.C. was betrayed by Judas Iscariot at the Last Supper, T.O. was betrayed by Donovan McNabb in the Last Quarter. While J.C. could miracuously walk on water, T.O. could run on turf with a broken leg. And when you play the DVDs of "Super Bowl XXXIX" and "Passion of the Christ" simultaneously on two separate TVs, Bill Belichek shows up on the screen at the exact same time as Pontius Pilate several times. And don't forget that Jesus, a swift cornerback during his playing days who had great hands, excellent field vision but didn't always finish his tackles, held out before his second season. So what's the big deal? By the way, Terrell, I don't think they just chucked a few stones at J.C., in the aforementioned Gospel According To Mel, and Jesus' Press Kit (The Bible), it says that they actually crucified him. To death. You can't "hate on" someone more than that.
Anyway, since it's now part of the Patriot Act that you must make a prediction at the end of every sports related conversation/article/statement, I (am required to) predict that if the Eagles dump T.O. before this season, they will win the Super Bowl. This is the Word of the Lord.
RUDY! RUDY! WAIT, RUDY? Now let me just say that first of all I like the man, and thought he was an absolute rock on during the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers. But just because he was mayor of New York City on 9/11 doesn't suddenly make him an expert on terrorism and mass transit security. In fact, wasn't he out of office long before Homeland Security was in effect, and years before the Madrid bombings raised concerns about security on buses, trains, and subways? Regardless, the glut of MSNBCNN type news channels have no problem interviewing him concerning the London bombings, even though he doesn't really have any real experience with it. Hey, they have to fill the time with SOMETHING besides the blonde teenager missing in Aruba.
WHAT WOULD T.O. DO?
I try to ignore athletes when they open their mouths, but sometimes you just can't avoid it. Sometimes they say interesting things, like Mike Schmidt on Bob Costas' new show, who said that he doesn't learn a damn thing about the game of baseball while listening to announcers like McCarver and Buck (not a surprise, but still funny). Most of the time, they give you nonsense cliches, However, the vast majority of the time, the stuff that spews forth is akin to Terrell Owens' latest bout of verbal diarrhea:
Owens, who wants a renegotiation of his seven-year, $49 million deal, which he signed last year, was asked about his contract conflict with the Eagles and told the Miami Herald, "I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?
Yeah sure, I see the similarities, Terrell Owens is a lot like Jesus Christ. For instance, while J.C. was betrayed by Judas Iscariot at the Last Supper, T.O. was betrayed by Donovan McNabb in the Last Quarter. While J.C. could miracuously walk on water, T.O. could run on turf with a broken leg. And when you play the DVDs of "Super Bowl XXXIX" and "Passion of the Christ" simultaneously on two separate TVs, Bill Belichek shows up on the screen at the exact same time as Pontius Pilate several times. And don't forget that Jesus, a swift cornerback during his playing days who had great hands, excellent field vision but didn't always finish his tackles, held out before his second season. So what's the big deal? By the way, Terrell, I don't think they just chucked a few stones at J.C., in the aforementioned Gospel According To Mel, and Jesus' Press Kit (The Bible), it says that they actually crucified him. To death. You can't "hate on" someone more than that.
Anyway, since it's now part of the Patriot Act that you must make a prediction at the end of every sports related conversation/article/statement, I (am required to) predict that if the Eagles dump T.O. before this season, they will win the Super Bowl. This is the Word of the Lord.
Monday, July 18, 2005
NHL: LOCK IN?
The NHL lockout is finally over, if they ratify this deal (and if they know what's good for them, they should). Well, it's about freaking time. Goodenow and Bettman didn't quit, but you can't have everything . . .
So here are some proposed new slogans for the NHL:
COME BACK AND WE'LL PIMP YOUR RIDE!
THE NHL: IT'S PUCKTASTIC!
COME FOR THE HOCKEY, STAY FOR THE BLOODY FISTICUFFS
REMEMBER US? YEAH, UHM, WE'RE BACK. IS THAT OKAY? YOU DIDN'T THROW OUT MY TOOTHBRUSH, DID YOU?
NOW NEARLY CANADIAN FREE!
OUR GOAL: THE COLDEST TASTING SPORT IN THE WORLD.
ALL SKATE!
KISS MY ASS!
No Fans? No Games? NO PROBLEM!!! 15 MILLION DOLLARS CASH BACK DIRECT FROM THE PKAYERS!!! WE ACCEPT ANY TRADE!!! 0.0% FINANCING FOR QUALIFIED OWNERS!!!
Everything you hated about the NHL is 76% back.
The NHL: Skating backwards into the future!
The NHL: Hey, any league can have a bad decade.
The Puck Drops Here... No Seriously it does.
NHL: Where the offseason is an indeterminate amount of time.
NHL: Never let them see you skate!!!
I know, It's only NHL, but I like it!! Like it!! Yes I do!
Is your Wood Bent? Ours is....The NHL. We're back.. and we're bent.
You! Mr. 301 days in the Penalty Box for Unsportsmanlike Conduct! You can come out now!
The NHL LUCKOUT Starts today!!!
The new look NHL, If it were any hotter, it'd be Water Polo!!
The NHLPA - Leave off the last "S" for Screwed.
The NHL - "No Hard Luck"
Introducing The Stanley Cap!!!
NHL: Ice is a terrible thing to waste.
NHL & Walmart: Now with 24% Rollback!!!
NHL 2K5!! Sounds like a Video Game!!!
NHL: Is it live or is it Memorex?
NHL: Come see us or else we'll cry.
NHL: Are we good now? You bet, man!!!
NHL: Now back from Sabbatical.
NHL: New Hockey Look, same great taste.
NHL: We need more of your money.
NHL: Wish you were Here
NHL: If you can find a better sport on ice in North America, by all means go!
NHL Guarantee: fewer players on steriods than MLB
Nissan is the #4 automaker in the world; you all like Nissan, right?
THAT'S RIGHT, WE DIDN'T PLAY LAST YEAR (WE BARELY NOTICED EITHER)
PLEASE COME BACK, OUR CHILDREN NEED VACCINATIONS
THE NHL: PARTIALLY FILLING ARENAS NEAR YOU [AGAIN], SOON
WE KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ALL OF YOU TO GO TO EUROPE TO WATCH OUR PROFESSIONALS PLAY, WE WON'T THAT HAPPEN AGAIN, AT LEAST UNTIL THE END OF THIS CBA.
J.R., NOT JUST FROM DALLAS ANYMORE (damn that would work a lot better if roenick had played for the stars)
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
A PLACE CALLED VERTIGO
This was an email thread from July 6, 2005 about the new Nyack bar called Vertigo.
___________________________________________
Rob: The new bar/restaurant at 91 Main Street has finally opened. It's called "Vertigo". I don't know where that name came from, but already I've heard stories that Larry Mullen is one of the owners. That's probably a myth, but who knows, he does have a house in Nyack. But then, why would they have a fake U2 band playing there in August? Anyway, my point is, I would have been (bean) more likely to go had they named it "Vertullo", which is just a few letters off. Now this may sound silly, but consider that since I've left Suffern, The Celtic House, Chubby's, Muggs Pub, and Ramapo Vally BrewPub have closed, and I expect the closure of former mainstay Walsh's any day now.
Karl:
In other NYU2K news,
Zoobar is changing it's name to Zooropa Bar, incidentally home of the inextinguishable fire.
Bruxelles is changing it's name to "Sunday Bruxelles Sunday",
Bourbon Street is now to be known as "Bourbon Streets have no name",
And please refer to the Hudson House is now referred to as Hewson House.
Casa de los tres Soles
Lest we forget, the Pediatric Throat Disease Wing of Nyack Hospital is now to be called the Ache Tongue Baby Center.
Rob:
River Club will change to River’s Edge
Oasis Grill, not quite sure what’s happening, will change its name to “Beatles Barbecue”
Hilltop will now be One Tree Hilltop (home of Lobster della Bono)
Jeff:
Olive's => Olive is Blindness
Luna Lounge => Lemon Lounge
Wasabi => With Or Wasabi
Golden Mushroom => Silver & Golden Mushroom
The King & I => Elvis Presley & America
Barz => Mysterious Gays
OVI => MLK
Walsh's => Bad
Don't forget the "Swedish Thing" who works at Sunday Bruxelles Sunday. As the song goes: "You know she likes black guys . . . "
___________________________________________
Rob: The new bar/restaurant at 91 Main Street has finally opened. It's called "Vertigo". I don't know where that name came from, but already I've heard stories that Larry Mullen is one of the owners. That's probably a myth, but who knows, he does have a house in Nyack. But then, why would they have a fake U2 band playing there in August? Anyway, my point is, I would have been (bean) more likely to go had they named it "Vertullo", which is just a few letters off. Now this may sound silly, but consider that since I've left Suffern, The Celtic House, Chubby's, Muggs Pub, and Ramapo Vally BrewPub have closed, and I expect the closure of former mainstay Walsh's any day now.
Karl:
In other NYU2K news,
Zoobar is changing it's name to Zooropa Bar, incidentally home of the inextinguishable fire.
Bruxelles is changing it's name to "Sunday Bruxelles Sunday",
Bourbon Street is now to be known as "Bourbon Streets have no name",
And please refer to the Hudson House is now referred to as Hewson House.
Casa de los tres Soles
Lest we forget, the Pediatric Throat Disease Wing of Nyack Hospital is now to be called the Ache Tongue Baby Center.
Rob:
River Club will change to River’s Edge
Oasis Grill, not quite sure what’s happening, will change its name to “Beatles Barbecue”
Hilltop will now be One Tree Hilltop (home of Lobster della Bono)
Jeff:
Olive's => Olive is Blindness
Luna Lounge => Lemon Lounge
Wasabi => With Or Wasabi
Golden Mushroom => Silver & Golden Mushroom
The King & I => Elvis Presley & America
Barz => Mysterious Gays
OVI => MLK
Walsh's => Bad
Don't forget the "Swedish Thing" who works at Sunday Bruxelles Sunday. As the song goes: "You know she likes black guys . . . "
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