NFL Names: The Good, The Bad and the Sissy

A name can mean a lot, and in the case of sports, it can make the difference between winning and losing. If you have a classic sounding name, you can go a long way. It's no mistake that Boomer Esiason never won anything, while Joe Montana gathered several rings in his NFL career. Marcus Allen has won championships, while Marty Fish has yet to land one. It's all in the name.

So let's take a look at some rules for NFL player names:

1. All names must pass the "John Facienda" test. Say the name in the classy baritone voice of former NFL Films narrator, like "Bronco Nagurski": if it sounds good, it passes.
2. First names that are too unusual have to go, and will be replaced by something more common. For instance, "De'Wayne" is not acceptable, so he can be "Wayne". All players named "Donte'" will simply be known as "Don", "La'Roi" will be called "Larry", and "Na'il" will be renamed "Neil". Naturally, Antwaan Randel El is now "Tony Randall".
3. Several players have potential, possessing good first names but bad last names, and vice versa, but are placed "on the fence" until one or both names is changed.

Without further ado, here is a sampling of current NFL player names.

The Good:
Kendrick Clancy
Alge Crumpler
Jerome Bettis
London Fletcher
Anquan Bolden
Takeo Spikes
Ty Law
Champ Bailey
Jeremy Shockey
Tedy Bruschi
Marcus Spears
Brian Urlacher
Osi Umenyiora

The Bad:
Chad Pennington
Corey Bradford
Julius Peppers
Drew Brees
Sage Rosenfels
Major Applewhite
Chad Clifton
A.J. Feeley
Jay Feely
Josh Scobee
Joey Harrington

The Sissy:
Ashley Lelie
Randall Gay

On The Fence:
Tiki Barber
Quentin Jammer
Brock Marion
Chad Slaughter
Sebastian Janikowski

That Can't Be Your Real Name:
Jeff Smoker
Pig Prather
Pacman Jones
Richie Incognito

NOVEMBER MARCH MADNESS!

It's that time of the year: COLLEGE HOOPS is back! I know what you're saying, but trust me, you're wrong! Yes, it may be early, but not too early for November March Madness! Let's take a look at the NCAA basketball Sportsline RPI index (the Top 24 or so, I didn't really count)!

as of 11/18/2005
(Rank/School/Wins/Losses/RPI Index/SOS Rank/Strength of Schedule Index)

1 Syracuse 3 0 0.8929 16 0.5608
2 NC-Wilmington 3 0 0.8889 6 0.6296
3 Kentucky 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
3 Iowa 2 0 0.8750 28 0.5000
5 Albany 1 1 0.7583 8 0.6111
6 Florida 3 0 0.7440 43 0.4735
7 Texas Tech 2 1 0.7225 10 0.5873
8 Air Force 2 1 0.7016 15 0.5679
9 Texas 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
9 Samford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 Wofford 1 1 0.6875 11 0.5833
9 West Virginia 2 0 0.6875 58 0.4167
13 Washington 3 0 0.6759 46 0.4568
14 Duke 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Drexel 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 UCLA 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
14 Memphis 2 0 0.6667 63 0.3889
18 Northwestern 2 1 0.6296 17 0.5432
19 Wake Forest 2 1 0.6250 28 0.5000
20 Miami (Fla.) 2 1 0.6225 25 0.5185
21 Wisconsin-Green Bay 1 2 0.6029 6 0.6296
22 George Mason 1 1 0.6000 23 0.5222
23 Radford 2 1 0.5855 44 0.4691
24 Wyoming 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432
24 Butler 2 1 0.5783 17 0.5432


Well, as they say, the numbers don't lie! As expected, some undefeated teams, and some usual suspects, are right there on top of the leaderboard. Will we see that dream matchup of Syracuse and North Carolina in the NCAA tourney finals? No, not the 2004-2005 NCAA Champion North Carolina Tarheels--when I say NC, of course I mean the Wilmington Seahawks! It will remain to be seen if they can keep their unbeaten streaks alive all season long!

As for the rest of the pack . . .

* Coach K's Duke Blue Devils may have the best team this year, but not if the great Albany Great Danes have anything to say about it! And those fiery Drexel Dragons are right on their heels--should be an exciting fight to the finish!
* The West Virginia Pittsnogels almost made it to the Final Four last year, but this time around they appear to be no match for Air Force's high flying attack!
* For the magic trio of Wofford, Samford, and Radford--that sweet smell is the Sweet 16! If this trend continues, Stanford can't be too far behind!
* Although they were squeezed by the Orange last night by 35 points, Don't Mess With Texas Tech!
* Does anyone really know where the hell Butler is? There's no way to know, but maybe this March we'll find out!

BLACK BEAR GOLF COURSE, Vernon, NJ - October 21, 2005

RIAA: 50 CENT TO BE FEATURED ON ALL FUTURE MUSIC RELEASES

On the heels of strong sales of rap music in 2005, largely due to the quadruple platinum success of 50 Cent's "The Massacre" and its numerous charting singles, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has announced that every album and single released this year will contain 50 Cent. Music consumers have already seen the precursors to this trend in several singles already released during the past few years, including The Game featuring 50 Cent ("How We Do", "Hate It Or Love It"), Li'l Kim featuring 50 Cent ("Magic Stick"), Eminem featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent ("Encore"). However, his insertion into future recorded music will increase exponentially in the coming months, in hopes to increase holiday sales of both compact discs and downloadable digital media.

Earlier this year, 50 Cent turned heads in the music industry when he appeared on three singles simultaneously in the Top 10 ("Candy Shop" #1, "Disco Inferno" #5, "How We Do" #6, Billboard, April 7, 2005), something not achieved since the Beatles ruled the charts in the 1960s. Subsequent marketing studies lead by the RIAA in conjunction with the major record labels show that record sales across the board can be increased by spreading into untapped demographics, and have decided to insert 50 Cent in some way, shape or form into everyone's music library, regardless of genre.

A brief rundown of the titles to be released in the coming year:

* "Da Gang's All Herre" - Justin Timberlake featuring L'il Kim, Li'l Jon, (formerly L'il) Bow Wow, The Ying Yang Twins and 50 Cent;
* "Live On The Edge or Die Tryin'" - Aerosmith featuring 50 Cent;
* "Unforgettable: Special Edition" - Natalie Cole featuring 50 Cent and Nat King Cole (CD+DVD);
* "Under The Sea" - SpongeBob SquarePants & 50 Cent, featuring Chris Martin from Coldplay;
* "The Three Tenors featuring 50 Cent: Live In Brooklyn" - Carreras, Domingo, Pavarotti & 50 Cent;
* "Hoes Just Wanna Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper featuring 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg;
* "Guilty n' Sentenced To 18 Months Probation" - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb featuring 50 Cent;
* Mozart's Symphony No. 41 in C Major, K. 551 ("Jupiter"), performed by The London Philharmonic Orchestra featuring 50 Cent on third violin.

These releases follow a "special edition" of "The Massacre" just released by Interscope Records, which is bundled with special remixes and a DVD. As a part of RIAA's ongoing effort to counteract music piracy, each employs special anti-piracy protection. Any attempts to rip more than one copy of each song will result in the user's system becoming infected by a Trojan horse virus (TROJ_MASSACRE.50C) which renders the operating system useless, unless 50 Cent is featured in the desktop wallpaper, browser, and all default system sounds.

However, it doesn't end there, as projects are in the works that will be felt beyond far beyond your subwoofers. To continue the cross-marketing of the hip-hop superstar, a new expansion pack for the popular video game "Medal of Honor" will be released in late 2005 entitled "Medal of Honor: The Massacre Featuring 50 Cent". In this extremely realistic war simulation, he will be a featured voice actor as the Allied forces wage battles against the Japanese in the Pacific theater during 1944-1945 (however, his character cannot be equipped with any weaponry during the course of the game, since he pleaded no contest to an assault charge in May 2005 and cannot carry a gun in some states).

Upcoming TV appearances are also planned, as 50 Cent joins the cast of "The O.C. featuring 50 Cent", where he portrays the southern California county's only African-American resident. Additionally, Denny's Restaurants have announced the release of a new sandwich called "In Da Club Sandwich, featuring Roasted Turkey, Lettuce, Tomatoes and 50 Cent", for the introductory price of $5.99 (not available on white bread).

FUCK EVERYTHING, GILLETTE'S DOING FIVE BLADES

You might remember this Onion article about Gillette's next move, from February 2004. Well, it's happened. They've said f*** everything, they're doing five blades. [Thanks to Rob for pointing this out, otherwise I would have sh!t myself when I saw it in the store.]

The Onion "memo" and the official Gillette press release are eerily similar too:


Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened-the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent-I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

Here's an excerpt from the Gillette press release (with the CEO dropping considerably less f-bombs). That's right, not only are the extra blades smaller and closer together (and, I would guess, practically invisible), they've even crammed a blade on the BACK OF THE CARTRIDGE. I wish I was making this up:

Gillette’s Next Generation Men’s Shaving Systems Start a Reaction

BOSTON, Mass., September 14, 2005 – The Gillette Company today announced the launch of Gillette Fusion™ and Gillette Fusion™ Power, revolutionary new wet shaving systems for men and the world’s first razors to feature advanced technology on the front and on the back of the blade cartridge. Both shaving systems outperform the world’s leading razors, MACH3Turbo and M3Power respectively, by incorporating breakthrough innovations that provide a dramatic increase in shaving closeness and comfort.

"Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving," said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. "Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership."

Both shaving systems feature a breakthrough 5 blade Shaving Surface™ technology on the front of the cartridge, with blades spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3
blades. The combination of adding more blades and narrowing the inter-blade span creates a "Shaving Surface" that distributes the shaving force across the blades, resulting in significantly less irritation and more comfort. The Precision Trimmer™ blade, a single blade on the back of the cartridge, allows men to easily trim sideburns, shave under the nose and shape facial hair with control and precision.

...

"The performance of Gillette Fusion and Fusion Power is unprecedented, and testing among thousands of consumers overwhelmingly proves these are the world’s best shaving systems," said Peter K. Hoffman, President, Blades and Razors, The Gillette Company. "We listened to consumers and developed products that meet the shaving needs of all men, with or without facial hair, to help them look and feel their very best."


Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Read that last statement again. They're so cocky, they think they can sell razors to men WITHOUT FACIAL HAIR. That's right, the PRESIDENT OF BLADES AND RAZORS is going to make you buy it, whether you need it or not, you son-of-a-bitch! I'm sure there was a marketing guy boggling his mind trying to figure out how to tap into the "hairless" demographic, to achieve complete market dominance. "It's not only how you look, it's how you feel, right? So somehow we have to convince men that if they don't buy the Fusion, they'll feel like complete assholes."

Here's my theory: the Gillette people saw the Onion article (it even has the CEO's real name on it), printed it out, hung it up on the wall, maybe even had a little conference featuring it in a funny PowerPoint presentation . . . and then actually got to work on creating a five blade razor. You think it's crazy? Well, it IS crazy. Don't question it. Don't say a word. We're on the edge, the razor's edge, and I feel like dancing.

MISSING: JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY

This is kind of thing that steams my clams. It's the Natalee Holloway petition.

The petition is the most convoluted, ridiculous thing I've ever read, based not on facts or evidence, but solely on assumptions all gleaned from watching the media coverage of this story. A young girl on vacation is missing, and presumed dead, under mysterious circumstances. But because it's on the news every night people feel like they're entitled to know the truth, or worse: they already think they know what happened. Just because the media is sensationalizing it by counting the days ("Day 91: Missing in Aruba", like it's a frigging Nancy Drew book) and Greta von Something and Nancy Whatsherface are blabbing about it on TV non-stop every night, and the mother of the missing child is harassing suspects at their place of work in Aruba, it doesn't make the accusations any more valid, nor the case any closer to being solved. Basically, a little information is a dangerous thing, and that's all we have to go on. The media's constant coverage alone doesn't make it "apparent" that there's a conspiracy, it's merely the power of suggestion. Furthermore, since there's essentially no "new" news in this case, it serves no purpose other than to pray upon a parent's worst fear, just to get ratings. It's appalling.

Here's the 'fair and balanced' news: hundreds of people go missing every year, and they're never found. How come we don't have petitions for all of them? Is there no one missing in this country? Is there a special "American white girl" clause that I wasn't aware of? Because you watch 12 hours of MSNBCNN a day, that suddenly makes you an expert on Dutch law? Let's be honest: everything we know about the Dutch we learned from "Austin Powers in Goldmember". That's like saying I know a lot about Amsterdam because I drink a lot Amstel Light. How do we have the right to send in the FBI, and force US laws onto this case--because we're the US, and we say so?

Something obviously went horribly wrong and this girl ended up dead, and whether there was foul play or it was an accident, I can't make the call because I wasn't there. If the law enforcement in Aruba botched the investigation, it only shows that foreign countries are just as capable of ineptitude and negligence as we are (anyone heard of O.J. Simpson?). And if we're outraged over an alleged political cover up, we've got plenty of that in our own country to focus our attention on (Karl Rove, I'm looking at you). And although it's a horrible ordeal for the family and I don't wish it on anyone, it doesn't have anything to do with you or me.

The kicker is the "we will boycott Aruba" line in this petition. If the island of Aruba relies on American tourism for their income, don't you think that the Aruban officials are doing whatever they can to find out what happened? If they're covering up something, it only makes them look worse. Regardless, if you assume this is a massive conspiracy, and as a result you don't want to go to Aruba, don't go! Who's stopping you?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

This just proves that they'll put anything on DVD nowadays, and I mean ANYTHING: "T.J. Hooker: The Complete 1st and 2nd Seasons" has been released. That's right, the triple threat of Shatner, Zmed and Locklear, in full digitized splendor, the way God intended. God, why have you betrayed us???

Instead of watching this crap, I have some other suggestions.

We'll start with perhaps one of the funniest Shatner moments (next to the SNL "Get a life" skit), when MTV had him spoof the movie "SE7EN" for the movie awards in 1996. Brilliant. Speaking of funny Canadians, it's Probert vs. Grimson from the "old" NHL, a crazy hockey goal, and the classic Daddy Drank from "Kids in the Hall".

Back in America (Fuck Yeah!), Conan's Walker, Texas Ranger Lever is hilarious, while Lewis Black in need of a new health plan, Robin Williams explains the origin of golf, and and Jim Rome "interviews" Chrissy "Jim" Everett.

We've also got some cartoon buffoonery! First, there's South Park's incredibly offensive, vile, and funny take on "The Aristocrats". And here are some Family Guy clips: Peter wins at Trivial Pursuit, a weird "banned" sex tape scene, Cookie Monster in rehab, and Chris takes on 'Take On Me', and the "Full Blown AIDS" song.

Will Ferrell, as late baseball announcer Harry Caray, asks the questions: Would you eat the moon if it was made of ribs? And if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Last, but surely not least, there's the Triumph trilogy, as he takes on the Wacko Jacko fans at the Michael Jackson Trial, some American Idol hopefuls, and the and Star Wars über-dorks. I never thought an insult comic dog puppet would be the funniest comedian of the past couple of years, but I don't see anyone else taking the crown. Except maybe George W. Bush. Everyone salute!


"You don't deal with lesser life forms? You must be a lonely guy! I keed, I keeeeed!!!"

VERBAL MASTICATION?

I just finished reading the Douglas Coupland book "Hey Nostradamus!" It was an interesting, quick read that unfortunately meandered and lost steam at the end. Coupland is a Canadian writer best known for his book "Generation X", a term which became a mid-90s media catch phrase to refer to every single young adult at the time. However, the first novel of his that I read was "Microserfs", a surprisingly heartwarming story about a group of Microsoft employees/slaves trying to become more human in the increasingly pervasive world of technology; the blend of character development and witty pop culture references has made it one of my favorite books, sort of a "Catcher in the Rye, Version 2.0 for Windows".

I've since read two other books of his, so I decided to check out his website for the first time last night. I'm not sure what I expected; maybe I was secretly hoping he was a normal guy who is just really good at acute observations about the struggles of modern life. In any case, I was blissfully unaware of anything but his novels, and after checking out his "art", I now wish that I had stayed that way. Among his "sculptures" are "hand-chewed" US $1 bills, a Gideon's Bible, and a copy of his "Generation X" book, all fashioned into nests and attached to tree branches.



All I can say is: WTF? I guess you have to accept the fact that anyone who has a brilliant creative mind is going to be a little "out there", but that's a little too freaky for me. Seriously, how does one get to the point where they decide to eat their own writings (of their own free will)? Now I'm going to think twice about picking up another one of his books.

In a not wholly unrelated story, I also picked up James Ellroy's "My Dark Places", an upbeat, whimsical novel about his, uhm, mother's unsolved murder (yeah, it's a regular party). On the cover it has a sticker that says "Signed By The Author", which is kind of cool, but I didn't take it seriously since it's a library copy. But sure enough I found the initials "J.E.", hastily scrawled in blue ink on the first blank page. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was rather odd.

Which brings this question to mind: can I order a Douglas Coupland novel that was "chewed and regurgitated by the author"?

RAFAEL PALMEIRO'S BEST STEROID EXCUSES

I could have sworn I reached for the "I Can't Believe It's Not Steroids!" [kw]

They hated on Jesus, too. [rv]

During lunch with Barry Bonds, I felt a sharp piercing pain in buttock, and just assumed I sat on a pin "unintentionally" left in my Armani suit. [jk]

In the twilight of my career, I decided to focus my career on setting an example for children of the dangers of using performance enhancing drugs by getting 3000 hits, hitting 600 home runs, getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and getting more 40-year old nookie than any other ballplayer in history… [sk]

Those steroids shrink your twig and berry down to nothing, I HAD to take Viagra. Wait, what am I suspended for? [rv]

I decided at age 40 to become a two-sport star, and was merely "training" for the upcoming NFL season. [jk]

Probably an inadvertent sample switch at the lab. Those autosampling robotics things never maintain sample integrity. That pee could be anybody's. [kw]

I was trying to get steroids out of baseball, one syringeful at a time. [rv]

I was doing "research", like Pete Townshend. [kw]

When Canseco gave me the little blue pill, I obviously thought it was related to Jose's other known pursuit. [ks]

It must have been that medication I took for my Viaggravated Groin. [kw]

Must have been absorbed when I shook hands with all the other players that never took steroids at the congressional hearing. [sk]

I thought that being appointed to the government's "Steroids Task Force" actually meant I was REQUIRED to take them. [jk]

Apparently, one of my teammates is not such a good "clubhouse guy" after all. That's the last time I wear my "GOT PEE?" T-shirt around there! [kw]

As spokesman for "Dianabol-O's!" cereal, I'm required to eat 10 bowls per day. [rv]

WOXY MUSIC

I'll say it again: terrestrial radio both sucks AND blows. The latest offender in the NYC market is a thing called "Jack", which has just usurped longtime oldies station CBS 101.1 FM (which I didn't listen to either). The New York Times has informed me that it's just one of 18 automated, soulless stations that features the same taped voiceover actor making witty quips between the "hits" from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. There are also "Bob" (hits) and "Hank" (country hits) stations across the country I'm told. God help us. This whole "Jack" thing started in Vancouver, so we can blame Canada.

Meanwhile, I've been listening more and more to internet radio stations, in particular, WOXY.com. They started broadcasting in Cincinnati in 1982 as independent FM rock station until they couldn't break even anymore, and then became an internet-only venture. They might be the first station to do that. Anyway, I don't care if you listen since it might not be your cup of latte (they also have WOXY Vintage, if you'd prefer to be stuck in the 80s), but I thought I'd mention them since they like people linking to their site. I guess it increases awareness and their web traffic, which through some e-magic, ultimately leads to more money, which is always good. Now, if they could only get these guys on Sirius satellite radio, I might cave in and buy it . . .

RANDOM TASKS

IT'S ABOUT THE FANS (EXCEPT FOR THAT LOCKOUT THING)! Today, they're ratifying the new NHL CBA at 3 PM, and holding the draft lottery at 4 PM. Afterwards, they're having a "NHL: We Love Our Fans" Picnic on Ice at 6:30 PM (hamburgers and cole slaw is $9, and beers are $11 each), the highlight of which is sure to be Goodenow and Bettman pairing up for the potato sack race, followed by an hour long "Hug A Defenseman" photo-op. Okay, I made that last part up. And I know they have to put a positive spin on everything to "get the fans back", but I think most people can see through the thick layer of post-lockout bullshit that they're spreading. After all, if it was really "about the fans", why did they cancel an entire season?


RUDY! RUDY! WAIT, RUDY? Now let me just say that first of all I like the man, and thought he was an absolute rock on during the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers. But just because he was mayor of New York City on 9/11 doesn't suddenly make him an expert on terrorism and mass transit security. In fact, wasn't he out of office long before Homeland Security was in effect, and years before the Madrid bombings raised concerns about security on buses, trains, and subways? Regardless, the glut of MSNBCNN type news channels have no problem interviewing him concerning the London bombings, even though he doesn't really have any real experience with it. Hey, they have to fill the time with SOMETHING besides the blonde teenager missing in Aruba.


WHAT WOULD T.O. DO?
I try to ignore athletes when they open their mouths, but sometimes you just can't avoid it. Sometimes they say interesting things, like Mike Schmidt on Bob Costas' new show, who said that he doesn't learn a damn thing about the game of baseball while listening to announcers like McCarver and Buck (not a surprise, but still funny). Most of the time, they give you nonsense cliches, However, the vast majority of the time, the stuff that spews forth is akin to Terrell Owens' latest bout of verbal diarrhea:

Owens, who wants a renegotiation of his seven-year, $49 million deal, which he signed last year, was asked about his contract conflict with the Eagles and told the Miami Herald, "I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?

Yeah sure, I see the similarities, Terrell Owens is a lot like Jesus Christ. For instance, while J.C. was betrayed by Judas Iscariot at the Last Supper, T.O. was betrayed by Donovan McNabb in the Last Quarter. While J.C. could miracuously walk on water, T.O. could run on turf with a broken leg. And when you play the DVDs of "Super Bowl XXXIX" and "Passion of the Christ" simultaneously on two separate TVs, Bill Belichek shows up on the screen at the exact same time as Pontius Pilate several times. And don't forget that Jesus, a swift cornerback during his playing days who had great hands, excellent field vision but didn't always finish his tackles, held out before his second season. So what's the big deal? By the way, Terrell, I don't think they just chucked a few stones at J.C., in the aforementioned Gospel According To Mel, and Jesus' Press Kit (The Bible), it says that they actually crucified him. To death. You can't "hate on" someone more than that.

Anyway, since it's now part of the Patriot Act that you must make a prediction at the end of every sports related conversation/article/statement, I (am required to) predict that if the Eagles dump T.O. before this season, they will win the Super Bowl. This is the Word of the Lord.

NHL: LOCK IN?

The NHL lockout is finally over, if they ratify this deal (and if they know what's good for them, they should). Well, it's about freaking time. Goodenow and Bettman didn't quit, but you can't have everything . . .

So here are some proposed new slogans for the NHL:


COME BACK AND WE'LL PIMP YOUR RIDE!
THE NHL: IT'S PUCKTASTIC!
COME FOR THE HOCKEY, STAY FOR THE BLOODY FISTICUFFS
REMEMBER US? YEAH, UHM, WE'RE BACK. IS THAT OKAY? YOU DIDN'T THROW OUT MY TOOTHBRUSH, DID YOU?
NOW NEARLY CANADIAN FREE!
OUR GOAL: THE COLDEST TASTING SPORT IN THE WORLD.
ALL SKATE!
KISS MY ASS!


No Fans? No Games? NO PROBLEM!!! 15 MILLION DOLLARS CASH BACK DIRECT FROM THE PKAYERS!!! WE ACCEPT ANY TRADE!!! 0.0% FINANCING FOR QUALIFIED OWNERS!!!
Everything you hated about the NHL is 76% back.
The NHL: Skating backwards into the future!
The NHL: Hey, any league can have a bad decade.


The Puck Drops Here... No Seriously it does.
NHL: Where the offseason is an indeterminate amount of time.
NHL: Never let them see you skate!!!
I know, It's only NHL, but I like it!! Like it!! Yes I do!
Is your Wood Bent? Ours is....The NHL. We're back.. and we're bent.
You! Mr. 301 days in the Penalty Box for Unsportsmanlike Conduct! You can come out now!
The NHL LUCKOUT Starts today!!!
The new look NHL, If it were any hotter, it'd be Water Polo!!
The NHLPA - Leave off the last "S" for Screwed.
The NHL - "No Hard Luck"
Introducing The Stanley Cap!!!
NHL: Ice is a terrible thing to waste.
NHL & Walmart: Now with 24% Rollback!!!
NHL 2K5!! Sounds like a Video Game!!!
NHL: Is it live or is it Memorex?
NHL: Come see us or else we'll cry.
NHL: Are we good now? You bet, man!!!
NHL: Now back from Sabbatical.
NHL: New Hockey Look, same great taste.
NHL: We need more of your money.


NHL: Wish you were Here
NHL: If you can find a better sport on ice in North America, by all means go!
NHL Guarantee: fewer players on steriods than MLB
Nissan is the #4 automaker in the world; you all like Nissan, right?
THAT'S RIGHT, WE DIDN'T PLAY LAST YEAR (WE BARELY NOTICED EITHER)
PLEASE COME BACK, OUR CHILDREN NEED VACCINATIONS
THE NHL: PARTIALLY FILLING ARENAS NEAR YOU [AGAIN], SOON
WE KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ALL OF YOU TO GO TO EUROPE TO WATCH OUR PROFESSIONALS PLAY, WE WON'T THAT HAPPEN AGAIN, AT LEAST UNTIL THE END OF THIS CBA.
J.R., NOT JUST FROM DALLAS ANYMORE (damn that would work a lot better if roenick had played for the stars)

A PLACE CALLED VERTIGO

This was an email thread from July 6, 2005 about the new Nyack bar called Vertigo.
___________________________________________

Rob: The new bar/restaurant at 91 Main Street has finally opened. It's called "Vertigo". I don't know where that name came from, but already I've heard stories that Larry Mullen is one of the owners. That's probably a myth, but who knows, he does have a house in Nyack. But then, why would they have a fake U2 band playing there in August? Anyway, my point is, I would have been (bean) more likely to go had they named it "Vertullo", which is just a few letters off. Now this may sound silly, but consider that since I've left Suffern, The Celtic House, Chubby's, Muggs Pub, and Ramapo Vally BrewPub have closed, and I expect the closure of former mainstay Walsh's any day now.


Karl:
In other NYU2K news,
Zoobar is changing it's name to Zooropa Bar, incidentally home of the inextinguishable fire.
Bruxelles is changing it's name to "Sunday Bruxelles Sunday",
Bourbon Street is now to be known as "Bourbon Streets have no name",
And please refer to the Hudson House is now referred to as Hewson House.
Casa de los tres Soles
Lest we forget, the Pediatric Throat Disease Wing of Nyack Hospital is now to be called the Ache Tongue Baby Center.


Rob:
River Club will change to River’s Edge
Oasis Grill, not quite sure what’s happening, will change its name to “Beatles Barbecue”
Hilltop will now be One Tree Hilltop (home of Lobster della Bono)


Jeff:
Olive's => Olive is Blindness
Luna Lounge => Lemon Lounge
Wasabi => With Or Wasabi
Golden Mushroom => Silver & Golden Mushroom
The King & I => Elvis Presley & America
Barz => Mysterious Gays
OVI => MLK
Walsh's => Bad

Don't forget the "Swedish Thing" who works at Sunday Bruxelles Sunday. As the song goes: "You know she likes black guys . . . "

THIS MONTH'S MINOR ANNOYANCES!

I've noticed that my rants aren't even true rants anymore, they're merely minor annoyances that I feel the need to complain about to no one in particular. Meh. Too bad, you have to read them anyway.


Court: Some Ten Commandments Displays OK

There's nothing like a hard line stance! That's the most wishy-washy decision I've ever seen. I'm 100% sure Judge Judy didn't have anything to do with this. So is it okay, or not, should I ask Mel Gibson first . . . ?


Americans Migrate to Cities in South, West

Good! Get the hell out! Who needs ya? That means more beer for us. Of course, you'd never be able to tell by the traffic around here that people are leaving in droves . . . maybe each person was replaced by a car that automatically drives itself during peak hours?


WFAN’s Mike and the Mad Dog will broadcast live for 24 straight hours for the first time ever!

Oh dear God! This is one of the Signs of the Apocalypse! The End of Days is nigh! So this is a perfect time for me to call them up and scream about a random New York athlete's perceived incompetance. "Mikey, Doggy, first time long time, I think the [LOCAL SPORTS TEAM] have to get rid of [PLAYER NAME], he's a bum, he's no good, and I can't stand him anymore! They gotta get rid of this guy, I think they should trade him for [BEST PLAYER ON SOME OTHER TEAM], I want to hear your thoughts, I'll hang up and listen!"


EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES . . . HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE

"Bewitched" is the second movie starring Nicole Kidman in which she plays a witch (the first being 1997's "Practical Magic"). Not only that, but both movie trailers and soundtracks made use of the song "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by the Police. For the love of Dick York, can't they come up with ONE ORIGINAL THOUGHT?!? Add that to the pile of remakes, TV and comic book adaptations, and Batman and Star Wars prequels . . . and everyone is wondering why movie attendance is down. Huh, beats me.


SPAM? A LOT

No, not the e-mail selling tactic that MSN Hotmail is poweless to stop, it's "Monty Python's SPAMALOT", the Best Musical of the Year (according to a small groups of aging Jewish homosexuals--I mean, according to the Tony Awards voters). A group of us saw it last month, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was a hilarious extrapolation of the movie, and I wondered afterwards why I haven't seen more Broadway shows. Just a brief sampling of the 2005 Tony Awards telecast made me say to myself, "Ohhhh yeah, that's why." I think any song from "Light In The Piazza" sums up everything about the Great White Way that gives me douche chills and sends me running for a sports bar.

(What a segue.)

MAD SKILLS

With the 2005 MLB All Star Craptacular coming up, I was wondering: are they still having the Home Run Derby this year? I guess they have to since its become an institution, but it's not going to be as "juiced" as it used to be. I can see it now: "Albert Pujols wins the 2005 Home Run Derby with, uhm, well, only ONE home run hit, which honestly wouldn't have cleared the fence if it hadn't bounced off of guest outfielder Jose Canseco's head . . . " I think they should just have a skills competition: fastest player to run from first to third, best catcher at throwing out runners at second, best pitcher at hitting the corners, best spray hitter. And it can all culminate with the LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BUNTING DERBY!


YOU JUST GOT OWNED

A recent Times interview of the current New Jersey Nets owner Bruce Ratner, who is planning on moving the team into a new arena in Brooklyn (to be designed by Frank "Ugliest Sports Trophy Ever" Gehry), included the line: "I was never a basketball fan, but I wanted to bring a team to Brooklyn." Great, a basketball team's future being decided by a guy who isn't a basketball fan. Add him to a hockey commissioner who has tried to run the sport like the David Stern's NBA, complete with marketing gurus (and has so far failed) . . . and people wonder why we hate these guys?


FUNNIEST T-SHIRT EVER

Sold at a recent interleague game where the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim visited the Los Angeles Dodgers: "THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF LOS ANGELES". Brilliant!


DON'T LET THAT DRAFT IN HERE!

If you thought the NFL Draft was "Must See TV", than you had to have tuned in for the NBA Draft. I couldn't watch it, because all the talk beforehand made me realize that they speak a whole other language. Players are no longer tall, they're "long". However, this word cannot be used to describe the length of their arms, which has been replaced by "wingspan". [This would be my test for a player's wingspan: have him jump off a cliff, and see how long he can soar using just his arms!] A player doesn't have "potential", they have "tremendous upside". Forget about terms like "vertical leap", "jumping ability" or even "ups": players are now "bouncy". He's not "quick", he has "blow-by-ability". And these commentators feel the need to constantly point out that these athletes are "athletic". How sad. I guess that's all you can talk about when the entire league is filled with players who lack basic fundamentals and the ability to shoot the ball.


TREND I HOPE WILL BE APPLIED TO MY LIFE

It's my fervent hope that all African nations are relieved of their debt, then maybe I can have all of my debt erased as well. It's only fair. I mean, why can't Pink Floyd reunite to help raise awareness about my massive credit card debt?


CLOSING JOKE: "Baked Lays" are the ugly chicks you end up banging only because you're high.

Thank you, good night!

THE LEVELS OF LOSING

ESPN.com makes you pay to get all the old articles that Bill Simmons wrote. Pay for a website? Please, this isn't porn. So I decided to copy/paste this one as a big ol' FU 2 ESPN. It's a funny article (if a little dated).

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By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Editor's note: This article originally ran on May 28, 2002.


After an NBA playoff weekend featuring not one, not two, but three tormenting losses, it seemed like the perfect time to break out my "Levels of Losing" gimmick (a work-in-progress over the years).


For instance, while watching the Nets blow a 26-point lead in the final 13 minutes of Game 3 (Nets-Celtics), I was thinking to myself, "This is a Broken Axle game." After Big-Game Bob Horry nailed his game-winning 3-pointer in Game 4 (Kings-Lakers), I thought, "That's a second-level Stomach Punch Game." When the Nets kept taking it to the Celtics in Monday's Game 4, it took on "This Can't Be Happening" proportions for three quarters, then shifted into second-level "Stomach Punch" proportions down the stretch (Pierce missing the game-tying free throws, then Tony Battie nearly making a game-tying putback at the buzzer).

This doesn't make sense yet? Don't worry ... it will. Without further ado, here's my updated guide to the "Levels of Losing," culled from years of unfortunate experiences as a sports fan. Please note that we're ignoring run-of-the-mill losses and concentrating on memorable defeats (buzzer-beaters, blowouts, choke jobs, etc.) in big moments (pivotal games in a playoff series, Game 7s, NFL playoff games, losses that submarine regular seasons, etc.).

Here are the 13 (appropriate number, eh?) levels I unearthed, from least painful to most painful:

Level XIII: The Princeton Principle
Definition: When a Cinderella team hangs tough against a heavy favorite, but the favorite somehow prevails in the end (like Princeton almost toppling Georgetown in the '89 NCAAs) ... this one stings because you had low expectations, but those gritty underdogs raised your hopes ... also works for boxing, especially in situations like Balboa-Creed I ("He doesn't know it's a damn show! He thinks it's a damn fight!") ... the moment that always sucks you in: in college hoops, when they show shots of the bench scrubs leaping up and down and hugging each other during the "These guys won't go away!" portion of the game, before the collapse at the end.

Personal Memory: The first round of the '95 NBA playoffs between Boston (No. 8 seed) and Orlando (No. 1 seed), the final season of the Boston Garden, when the C's (with a motley group of has-beens and nobodies) split the first two games in Orlando, then nearly polished off the Magic at home before Shaq, Penny and the gang prevailed. Those Celtics were woefully overmatched, but it was the magical Garden's last gasp; the electric atmosphere suckered us into thinking, "Damn, we might actually win this thing!" It was extremely tough to leave that place after Game 4.

Level XII: The Achilles' Heel
Definition: This defeat transcends the actual game, because it revealed something larger about your team, a fatal flaw exposed for everyone to see ... flare guns are fired, red flags are raised, doubt seeps into your team ... usually the beginning of the end (you don't fully comprehend this until you're reflecting back on it).

Personal Memory: And only because I wagered on the losing team ... but do you remember the Sunday night game when the Steelers rolled over the Ravens in Baltimore last December? Even though the Ravens had been underachieving all season, they were still considered to be the sleeping giant in the AFC. Not after that game. They were never the same. You just knew the torch had been passed in the AFC Central.

Level XI: The Alpha Dog
Definition: It might have been a devastating loss, but at least you could take solace that a superior player made the difference in the end ... unfortunately, he wasn't playing for your team ... you feel more helpless here than anything ... for further reference, see any of MJ's games in the Finals against Utah ('97 and '98).

Personal Memory: Flipping things around, remember Game 5 of the '99 ALDS (Red Sox-Indians), when Pedro Martinez came out of the bullpen and slammed the door on Cleveland's season? Six innings of no-hit ball with an injured shoulder? Nothing you could do about that. Pedro came jogging in from the bullpen like Clint Eastwood ... and Indians fans knew they were finished. See you next year.

Level X: The Rabbit's Foot
Definition: Now we're starting to get into "Outright Painful" territory ... this applies to those frustrating games and/or series where every single break seemingly goes against your team ... unbelievably frustrating ... you know that sinking, "Oh, God, I've been here before" feeling when something unfortunate happens, when your guard immediately goes shooting up? ... yeah ... I'm wincing just writing about it.

Personal Memory: The Red Sox-Yanks playoff series from '99, when everything went against the Sox -- two potential homers bouncing off the top of the wall, egregiously bad umpiring, seeing-eye singles and bloop hits and everything else. After a while, you start battling that nagging, unshakable, "It's not our year" feeling, which takes on a life of its own and swallows your team whole. Nothing destroys a season faster than bad karma.

Level IX: The Sudden Death
Definition: Is there another fan experience quite like overtime hockey, when every slap shot, breakaway and centering pass might spell doom, and losing feels 10 times worse than winning feels good (if that makes sense)? ... there's only one mitigating factor: when OT periods start piling up and you lose the capacity to care anymore; invariably you start rooting for the game to just end, just so you don't suffer a heart attack ... bonus points because one of these happened last night: Colorado's game-winning OT goal against Detroit.

Personal memory: Game 1, Bruins-Oilers, 1990 Stanley Cup Finals, the tail end of my sophomore year in college, when everyone from school trekked down to Cape Cod for seven days of drinking and general mayhem. On this particular night, my buddy Sully and I skipped out of a party to watch the third period at a Hyannis bar. Just the third period, right? It ended up being the first OT. And the second OT. And the third OT. Imagine the most nerve-wracking moment of your life, then imagine it ballooning to three-plus hours. That's playoff hockey.

Anyway, by the time Edmonton's Petr Klima drove a stake into our hearts around 1 a.m., we were drunk, drained, jittery and semi-suicidal. I don't even really remember what happened after that. I think we ended up walking down Route 6 and hitchhiking or something. Who knows? We didn't even know what to do. If I bumped into Sully 50 years from now, "Glen Wesley missing the net in the second OT" would be the first thing we brought up. I can't even talk about this anymore.

Level VIII: Dead Man Walking
Definition: Applies to any playoff series when your team remains "alive," but they just suffered a loss so catastrophic and so harrowing that there's no possible way they can bounce back ... especially disheartening because you wave the white flag mentally, but there's a tiny part of you still holding out hope for a miraculous momentum change ... so you've given up, but you're still getting hurt, if that makes sense ... just for the record, I thought this would apply to the Nets after their Game 3 collapse (I couldn't have been more wrong).

Decent Example: Remember Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals in '93 (Knicks-Bulls), when Charles Smith had all those chances to make the winning layup and kept getting stuffed, so the Knicks lost home-court advantage and had to travel to Chicago for Game 6? They didn't have a chance in hell. Bring this game up to a Knicks fan and they invariably start dropping F-bombs.

Personal Memory: Two quintessential examples, both from the '86 baseball playoffs.

Games 6 and 7 of the ALCS (Red Sox-Angels), following the dramatic Game 5 when the Angels (three outs from the World Series) blew a 5-2 lead in the ninth inning (capped off by Dave Henderson's go-ahead homer with two strikes and two outs in the ninth, as policeman surrounded the field and the Angels bench was ready to run onto the field). If that wasn't bad enough, the Angels tied the game in the bottom of the ninth, had two chances with the bases loaded to score the winning run, then blew the game in the 11th. Then they flew cross-country to Boston to play Games 6 and 7, which they promptly lost by a combined score of 132-2. Talk about Dead Man Walking.

Game 7 of the '86 World Series, when we knew the Red Sox could never recover from the 10th inning of That Game -- WE %$$#%@% KNEW IT! -- yet they pulled the Michael Corleone "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!" routine by staking Bruce Hurst to a 3-0 lead in the early innings. I hate this game. Just thinking about it makes me angry -- how the %$%# did they rope me in again after Game 6? Let's just move on before I start slamming my head against the desk ...

Level VII: The Monkey Wrench
Definition: Any situation where either A) the manager/coach of your team made an idiotic game decision, or B) a referee/umpire robbed your team of impending victory ... the Monkey Wrench game gains steam as the days and months roll along ... the Patriots and Raiders deserve special mention here because they played two Monkey Wrench games 26 years apart -- the '76 Playoff Game (where Ben Dreith's dubious "roughing the passer" call on "Sugar Bear" Hamilton gave the Raiders second life), and this January's Snow Game (the Brady fumble/non-fumble) ... funny how life works out.

Best Example: Don Denkinger's famous call in Game 6 of the '85 World Series (Cardinals-Royals). We don't even need to go there.

Personal Memory: The ninth inning of a tie game during Game 7 of the '75 World Series, when Red Sox manager Darrell Johnston pitched untested rookie Jim Burton. I was 5 years old at the time ... even I knew this was a bad idea. Peter Gammons always mentions a funny story about being in a bar two months later and watching a drunken Sox fan scream out, "Why did they pull Willoughby and bring in Burton???" before passing out on the bar. That's the classic Monkey Wrench story.

Level VI: The Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking
Definition: Sometimes you can tell right away when it isn't your team's day ... and that's the worst part, not just the epiphany but everything that follows -- every botched play, every turnover, every instance where someone on your team quits, every "deer in the headlights" look, every time an announcer says, "They can't get anything going," every shot of the opponents celebrating, every time you look at the score and think to yourself, "Well, if we score here and force a turnover, maybe we'll get some momentum," but you know it's not going to happen, because you're already 30 points down ... you just want it to end, and it won't end ... but you can't look away ... it's the sports fan's equivalent to a three-hour torture session.

Best Example: The 2001 NFC Championship Game (Vikings-Giants). The Giants took the kickoff, rolled down the field and scored in four plays ... Minnesota fumbled the ensuing kickoff ... now the New York crowd was going bonkers, a sea of blue ... Collins lofted a TD pass to the fullback ... 14-0 ... Fox's cameras caught Green staring at the field in shock ... the Giants were whooping it up ... Minnesota couldn't respond on offense ... Madden was saying things like "There's just no fire on that Minnesota sideline" and "They just don't look crisp at all" ... Culpepper tossed an interception, followed by a Giants field goal (17-0) ... and that's when my buddy, Geoff (a die-hard Vikes fan) left a despondent message on my answering machine: "It's over."

Personal memory: January '86. Pats-Bears. Super Bowl XX. Ugh. I was so nervous before that game, I watched it by myself, surrounded by all kinds of junk food, various magazines and newspapers and everything else you could imagine, like I was headed for Sports Fan War. And within 30 minutes, it was over. Watching Eason fold like an accordion, watching Grogan standing helplessly on the sidelines, watching the Bears dancing and jiving, watching the Pats roll over and die, watching the Bears whooping it up, and worst of all, watching the freaking Fridge score a touchdown ... good God almighty.

Level V: The "This Can't Be Happening" Game
The sibling of the Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking ... you're supposed to win, you expect to win, the game is a mere formality ... suddenly your team falls behind, your opponents are fired up, the clock is ticking and it dawns on you for the first time, "Oh my God, this can't be happening."

Best Example: Round 2 of the '97 Playoffs, when Brunell and the Jaguars stunned the No. 1 seed Broncos at Mile High. Watching that one on TV, you could feel the collective sphincter of the Broncos and their fans tightening as the game went along. This can't be happening, this can't be happening ...

Personal memory: Game 7 of the '82 Eastern Conference Finals, when the Celts rallied from a 3-1 deficit to force a seventh game against Philly at home (just like they did the previous spring, when they eventually won the title). Not only had the Celts never lost a Game 7 at the Garden, during a Game 5 comeback that Wednesday, Boston fans chanted, "See you Sunday! See you Sunday!" at the Sixers bench (inferring that the C's would win Friday's Game 6 in Philly, which they did).

Needless to say, our confidence had surged to dizzying heights. It never even entered our minds that we might lose. I remember seeing fans walking around the Garden wearing white sheets and dressed as "The Ghosts of Garden Past" -- an unreal atmosphere, certainly an impossible place for Philly to win. Um ... right? Unfortunately, Andrew Toney (one of the truly underrated NBA stars of my lifetime) had other ideas; nobody on the Celts could guard him. And you could feel that twinge of "Uh-oh" in the air, as we slowly realized things weren't working out like we had planned.

Wait a second ... this can't be happening ...

Level IV: The Broken Axle
Definition: When the wheels come flying off in a big game, leading to a complete collapse down the stretch ... this one works best for basketball, like Game 3 of the Celtics-Nets series this year, or Game 7 of the Blazers-Lakers series in 2000 ... you know when it's happening because A) the home crowd pushes their team to another level, and B) the team that's collapsing becomes afflicted with Deer-In-The-Headlitis ... it's always fascinating to see how teams bounce back from the Broken Axle Game ... by the way, nobody has been involved in more Broken Axle games than Rick Adelman.

Best Example: I hate bringing golf into this, because it isn't a team sport, but remember that Masters Tournament when Greg Norman blew the six-stroke lead to Nick Faldo, then ended up losing by, like, five strokes? That was the all-time Broken Axle moment. Plus, writing a "Levels of Losing" column and not mentioning Greg Norman would have been almost sacrilege.

Personal Memory: With 1:06 remaining in the Celts-Nets game on Saturday, the Celts whittled it down to one and the Fleet Center roof was blowing off. So Byron Scott calls time out and tries to pull the George Karl/Pat Riley routine; in other words, he stands about 10 feet away from the bench, his back turned, staring out to the court and hoping that his guys will talk things out and band together. Of course, the five Nets starters were sitting there, heads down, elbows on their knees ... and nobody said a word. In three decades of Celtics games, I've never seen a team look more demoralized. You couldn't have dug a ditch big enough for them.

Level III: The Guillotine
Definition: This one combines the devastation of the Broken Axle game with sweeping bitterness and hostility ... your team's hanging tough (hell, they might even be winning), but you can feel the inevitable breakdown coming, and you keep waiting for the guillotine to drop, and you just know it's coming -- you know it -- and when it finally comes, you're angry that it happened and you're angry at yourself for contributing to the debilitating karma ... these are the games when people end up whipping their remote controls against a wall or breaking their hands while pounding a coffee table ... too many of these and you'll end up in prison.

Best Example: Game 7 of the '97 World Series (Indians-Marlins), when Cleveland's Jose Mesa gave up the game-tying run in the ninth inning. Every Indians fan knew it was coming. Of course, the '97 World Series never happened, so it's probably a moot point. We need to get that one wiped out of the record books.

Personal Memory: Just about every crucial Bruins-Canadiens playoff game from the '70s, especially the unforgettable "Too Many Men on the Ice" game in '79, when the B's blew a chance to advance to the Cup finals by getting called for one of the lamest penalties in hockey (Guy Lafleur tied the score in the final minute, then the Habs finished us off in OT). One of two games that actually made Young Sports Guy cry in the '70s (along with the '78 Yanks-Sox playoff game); I couldn't figure out how I was 8 years old, yet I knew the Canadiens were coming back. Just excruciating.

Level II: The Stomach Punch
Definition: Now we've moved into rarefied territory, any roller-coaster game that ends with A) an opponent making a pivotal (sometimes improbable) play, or B) one of your guys failing in the clutch ... usually ends with fans filing out after the game in stunned disbelief, if they can even move at all ... always haunting, sometimes scarring ... there are degrees to the Stomach Punch Game, depending on the situation ... for instance, Sunday's Kings-Lakers game and Monday's Celts-Nets game featured agonizing endings, but they weren't nearly as agonizing as Cleveland's Earnest Byner fumbling against Denver when he was about two yards and 0.2 seconds away from sending the Browns to the Super Bowl).

Best Example: Wouldn't it have to be the Titans-Bills playoff game from '99, when the Bills kicked the alleged game-winning field goal in the final seconds, then Tennessee pulled off that miracle Wycheck-to-Dyson lateral play for the game-winning TD (on the kickoff, with no time remaining)? Not only was that a Top 5 Stomach Punch game, it doubled as the greatest Gambling Moment of all-time (since Tennessee ended up covering by a half-point). That was un-beeeeeeeeeeeeeee-lievable.

Personal Memory: Magic draining that baby sky hook to topple the Celts in Game 4 of the '87 Finals, capping off a Celtics collapse and preceding Bird nearly saving the game at the buzzer (he missed a 25-foot prayer by about 1/100th of an inch). Fifteen years have passed and I still haven't fully recovered from that chain of events. Unreal.

Level I: That Game
Definition: Game 6 of the 1986 World Series ... one of a kind ... given the circumstances and the history involved here, maybe the most catastrophic sports loss of our lifetime.

Personal memory: The only game that actually combined The Guillotine and The Stomach Punch. No small feat. Let's just hope we never travel down that road again.

Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.

BURNING QUESTION: How many female Indy driver jokes can we come up with in one day?

by Jeff Kammann, Rob Vertullo, Tom Bookless, Kris Salo


I heard Danica trained for the Indy 500 by circling around the mall parking lot for hours trying to get the closest space. (jk)

I heard she would have won, but pulled over to ask for directions on lap 190. (rv)

I heard the other drivers got out of her way, thought she was on her cell phone. (tb)

The other drivers were confused because she had her right turn blinker on the entire race. (rv)

She would have won it if she didn't decide to apply her makeup in the rearview mirror during the final few laps. (jk)

Apparently, some of the other drivers complained because she cried her way out of a black flag. (ks)

She would have won if she didn't have to drop off the kids for soccer practice. (jk)

She would have won if not for the tactical error of getting a manicure during a pit stop. (jk)

Critical error, stopping on lap 128 to put on different colored flame-retardant jumpsuit, then having to find matching shoes. (rv)

Couldn't resist stopping for Memorial Day Sale at Bloomingdale's. (jk)

Left her purse on the roof of the car at the start, and had to go back to get it. (tb)

Too busy looking for her husband's credit card to pay for her gas. (tb)

Car was a bit sluggish since last tune-up was 87,000 miles ago. (rv)

Biggest obstacle to overcome: helmet hair. (jk)

Refused to wear white jumpsuit, thought it made her look too fat. (jk)

"Checkered" flag no longer in style, according to newest issue of Vogue magazine. (jk)

She ran out of gas because she missed the exit. (jk)

She rode her brakes for the entire race, affecting her speed just enough to lose. (ks)

She stopped abruptly and turned around because she "thought she ran over a woodchuck". (jk)

Uses a secret fuel additive to boost speed: nail polish remover. (jk)



ADDENDUM: Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons of ESPN2 fame made a good joke in his "mailbag" article about female drivers as well (he must have been reading this blog):


Q: Did you injure anything jumping on Danica Patrick's bandwagon this weekend?
– Jerry T., Roanoke, Va.


SG: I wrenched my neck a little but that was about it. Actually, my dad and stepmom were in town this weekend, and since my stepmom is a raging feminist, every time they showed the inside of Patrick's car, I muted the volume on the TV and pretended I was Patrick talking to her pit crew: "Look, I told you, I'm going as fast as I can! I can't drive when you're talking to me!!! Stop telling me how to drive!!! I'm going to pull over and get out right now, I swear to God!" That was more fun than the actual race.



(Come on, somebody has to make these jokes.)

LIVING OFF THE FAT OF THE LAND

I don't know which makes me sicker: this story about Burger King's CEO making oodles of money selling horrible food he doesn't even eat, or the actual BK food itself. I've seen the words "Enormous Omelette Sandwich" on a BK sign, and I knew it couldn't be good. It turns out it's a 760 calorie, 50 grams of fat monstrosity of a breakfast sandwich consisting of "two slices of melted American cheese, two fluffy eggs, three crispy strips of bacon, and a sizzling sausage patty, piled high on a toasted bun". Good God. The only thing missing is rich creamery butter. I pictured this jackass running up the side of a mountain, stopping to check his pulse, and looking down at the sea of humanity below him and bellowing, "So, what do my fatties crave today?"

One of my favorite quotes (it's hard to choose just one) is about their new "Red Bull-inspired" coffee: "with 40 percent more caffeine than regular", for those who "partied a little hard the night before," says Denny Post, chief concept officer." First of all, even if these guys "partied hard", they'd never touch a cup of that stuff (one of them already confessed to only drinking decaf). They go home to their mansions, after making their hard earned six-or-seven-figure salary selling garbage to bovine America, to eat their salad and tofu, washing it down with $20 bottles of mineral water. Secondly, I love the fact that they call those who are trying to get people to avoid fast food joints and eat heathlier foods "nutrition Nazis". The fucking stones on these guys, it amazes me. Wait, back up a sec: "chief concept officer"? What kind of made-up bullshit title is that?

Here's my final question: how do you cater to the 18-34 year old demographic if your food prevents them from living that long? How do you make money if you're killing the very people who pay your salary?

Acronumb: BALTUSROL

After we decided to get 2005 PGA Tournament tickets, Karl decided to make an acronym out of BALTUSROL, the golf course where it is being held. This sparked a flurry of e-mails which, as you can see, slowly turned into a comedy blizzard. Here are the results. Some of them are pretty damn funny.
______________________________________________

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 4:19 PM
Beautiful area. Love those undulating sinusoidal rollings of landscape.

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Barely anyone likes to use silly rearrangements of language

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 7:31 PM
Be alert ladies, the universal stud Rob's out looking!!!

"Kammann, Jeff"
Best are ladies that understand something: Rob's often libating.

From: karl wagner
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:57 PM
Balls all lost, tallying up scores, Rob's our lowest!

karl wagner wrote:
"Boy, alcohol lately tastes underrated" said Rob out loud!

karl wagner wrote:
"Better alcohol later than understanding sooner" -Rob's old lingo

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
Beer, ale, lager (the usual suspects), rum. Oh, liquor!

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Blue Hill, Augusta, Laurel Vally, Torry Pines, Upper Monclair, St. Andrews, Riviera, Oakmont, Llanerch

From: karl wagner
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2005 10:25 AM
By and large, there's usually some ranking official laughing.

"Vertullo, Robert G" wrote:
Bent-grass aerated lightly, turf underfoot seems rather odd lately

From: karl wagner
Boarding airplane later tonight,- unusual sky- really ominous looking!!

From: karl wagner
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2005 10:20 AM
Before Americans loved television, unkempt stupid Republicans only lost.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 10:53:53 -0400
From: "Keenan, Scott"
By all ledgers, Tiger unusually seems really off leaderboard...

From: karl wagner
Bart's atavism lately totally undermines Simpson's rules on life.

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
But at least the usual "Simpsons" returns occasional laughter.
Beats anything lame television usually shows (reality or "Lifetime").

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:25:56 -0400
From: karl wagner
"Being alert, listening, typing usual Stimulus/Responses on line"

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:44:29 -0400
From: karl wagner
Begone All Light Trucks, Ultra SUVs (Reserve Oil's lacking)

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 11:56:52 -0400
From: karl wagner
Bart and Lisa tackle usual situations relying on laughter.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:06:35 -0400
From: karl wagner
Bought a latte, tasted unlike Starbucks, required Oban liquor.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:16:39 -0400
From: karl wagner
"Being astute", "living terseness", -usually stuff Rob only likes.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:22:45 -0400
From: karl wagner
Baathists are likeable. Those unprepared Shiites really ought listen.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 12:24:45 -0400
From: "Vertullo, Robert G"
Barring a late travesty, un-soberness remains outstandingly likely.

"Kammann, Jeff" wrote:
Baseball appears likely tonight (unless severe rain or lightning).

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 13:00:51 -0400
From: karl wagner
By all local traditions, ubiquitous suds ruins ones liver.

GOOD OL' GOOGLE?

I'm beginning to think Google is turning into Microsoft, only with a better image. Because everyone loves Google, right? It's an innocuous search engine that everyone uses. In fact, its web site has a button on it that says "I'm Feeling Lucky!" Ha ha! Good ol' Google. How could it be bad?

Their GMail, although a little Big Brother-ish, gets generally favorable reviews. But I would beware the Google Web Accelerator. It supposedly speeds up web browsing by monitoring what web sites you visit and caching entire web sites on Google's servers. That's right, it saves entire pages that you've clicked on--the whole thing sounds creepy. More importantly, it sounds like a major invasion of privacy. This section from the News.com article about GWA is the most disturbing.

Is my privacy in jeopardy by using Web Accelerator?
It could be, depending on your comfort level. According to Google's privacy policy, the Web Accelerator retrieves and caches Web pages you've visited, and those page requests can include personal information about you. It also temporarily caches third-party cookies that can contain personal data. For example, if you've entered information such as e-mail or a physical address into a form on an unencrypted Web page, Google might pick up that data through the Web Accelerator. It also collects "clickstream" data such as URLs you've requested, the date and time of the request, as well as your Internet Protocol address and computer and connection information.

Hey, no thanks!

Additionally, this "privacy invasion accelerator (beta)" is intended only for broadband users. I have a cable modem, and it's plenty fast enough for me, but I guess there are always speed-hungry, ADHD-afflicted users who crave 1 second page loads instead of 5 second page loads. But this "accelerator" doesn't make downloading pictures, mp3s, and streaming video any faster.

Again, no. Really, no thanks.

Remember: Google is out to MAKE MONEY, just like every other company on the planet. Google isn't looking out for you, to make your web experience happier; they want more web hits, which means more ad revenue for them. So don't give away your personal info for free just because they're allegedly giving you faster web browsing for "free" (there's already an astonishing amount of searchable info about you out there). Because nothing is free, and in this case it looks like the average web surfer will be the one paying.

Sign Of The E-times?

There's an interesting trend that I'm starting to notice while hanging out in bars, even moreso now that school's out for summer (not necessarily forever). A group of barely legal patrons will walk into a bar, each of them with their respective mobile phones in tow. They order their drinks and chat a little bit, but then spend the first 10 minutes or so on the phone, either talking or texting someone, checking voicemail or e-mail, or whatever. Even though they walked into the bar with other living, breathing, human beings that they know, more often than not they initially ignore them. After they eventually finish their incredibly important mobile business, they glance around and find they are left with no one else to converse with but the friends they came with, and only then do they really start talking to them.

I don't know if it's a sign of our increasingly impersonal e-times (by younger people who can't recall life without e-mail and instant messaging), or an unconscious (or knowing) flash of their new digital camera phone as a status symbol (not a big deal anymore, since 10 year olds have them), but it's definitely weird behavior. Well, there's already no smoking allowed, and pretty soon there'll be no talking either, as entire bars will be silent except for the din of the digital jukebox and the sounds of people TXT messaging each other.

FINDING THE PERFECT CONVERSATION KILLER

by Jeff Kammann


Rob and I had this discussion the other day, and we've come to the conclusion that we're sick of telling complete strangers that we work in the pharmaceutical industry. It's a hot button topic that leads people to involuntarily begin informing us, in great detail: 1) how insidiously evil the drug companies are (unlike the tobacco industry); 2) how expensive drug prescriptions are; 3) what drugs they are currently taking and/or addicted to, followed by a full overview of their (or a family member's) entire medical history, and 4) invariably the comment "Do you get to take drugs home?" It's a horrible conversation small talk purgatory that is impossible to avoid. In the end, there are no winners.

So either we have to change our line of work, or come up with a really good lie (like Art Vandalay, Latex Salesman). This "company" that we work for has to meet certain criteria, which would end the conversation and eliminate follow up questions that would require elaborate answers regarding the "job". The criteria are as follows:

1) It should not be a line of work that anyone can forumlate a positive or negative opinion about;

2) It should not be a company that anyone has heard of, or a product that someone might have a keen interest in;

3) It should not concern a service that anyone needs, or perceives they will ever need;

4) It should be completely self-explanatory;

5) It should be so mundane as to extinguish any curiosity in the company, something a person would not even be remotely interested in talking about.

As you can see, this rules out a lot of jobs: retail, health care, entertainment, construction, insurance, real estate, sales, military, and any service industry (among others). We came up with several possibilities that almost meet all of the criteria, but none were bulletproof conversation killers. We thought about some sort of "actuarial" or "surveying" job, but those would require an explanation. "Banking" jobs are bad, because everyone uses banks, or worse, everyone has gotten screwed by a bank at some point. Rob suggested a company that manufactures tubing (a job he once had), which, although mundane, would probably lead to a lengthy discussion about construction that no one wants to get into. And you can spew forth a bunch of nonsense business words and say that you work for "a consulting company that implements strategic, scalable solutions for real-world business problems", but that's so nebulous and confusing that it can be easily picked apart, forcing you to explain your bullshit.

The best thing we could come up with was working for a company that makes twist ties. That's pretty boring, and something that NO ONE cares about. It's something that you couldn't have a positive or negative opinion of, or need to have explained, because if you did you'd sound like a moron (which doesn't stop most people). You could say something like, "I work in quality assurance for a company who manufactures Twist-Ties. Did you ever buy bread or garbage bags? Well then, you're probably familiar with our work." Where can you go from there? Although it is a product that people are aware of, it's one that they most likely have never thought about. In any case, if you get a follow-up question about what you actually do, just say, "It's a lot of paperwork and phone calls." End of conversation. This leaves you open to discuss something more innocuous like sports, like how "this rivalry isn't as good since they got rid of that big pitcher guy" (actual quote from actual bar patron trying to make small talk). Wait, that might be worse.

BRING THE STRIPPERS AND POT, AND LET'S PARTY!

by Jeff Kammann

This is officially the funniest mashup I've heard so far, it's RIAA'S "Bring The Strippers".

Well, in case you didn't like that, here's an excerpt from Neil Diamond's "The Pot Smoker's Song" (also here.)

I can't even explain how I found this sound bite. It's from Jesse Ventura's inauguration party CD, "We Rocked The World".

THE BODY'S BACK FOR TONIGHT! LET'S PARTY, MINNESOTA!!!

Yes, this guy was a state governor.

RANTS DU JOUR

by Jeff Kammann

For those of us not fluent in French, that means "Soup of the Day". Mmm, that sounds good, I'll have that.

A QUESTION POUR VOUS. Some people converse using a combination of Spanish and English words, sometimes referred to as "Spanglish". Are people who use a combination of French and English words speaking "Frenglish"? (Maybe Kris can answer this one.)

(Kris' response: The french term is 'Franglais'. I don't know the Anglicization though? Do we need a word? It's just the poseurs who try to use french words to make themselves seem more intelligent (...and you, of course, Jeff). It's totally different here...Somehow all the way up to the executive level the overwhelming ideology is if someone calls your name and you respond with a heavily, heavily accented 'Yes' you are somehow bilingual and therefore better than others...No actually, what I really mean is that there are so many French words in the English language as it is it would seem to be redundant to need a specific term for words like 'redundant.')

45% MORE DECEPTIVE! I was pondering my laundry detergent purchase the other day, when a label screamed out at me "VALUE SIZE - 45% MORE!" Intrigued, I picked up the bottle to give it a closer inspection, which is when I read the fine print: ". . . than the 100 oz. bottle". So what? Someone in marketing typed the numbers into a calculator and decided to put it on the label. What do I gain from this knowledge? So I checked how substantial my savings would be if I bought the bigger size bottle. (I think you can see where this is going.) As it turns out, the smaller size was cheaper at $0.88 a quart, while the "value size" was $0.90 a quart. Ugh. You just know that more people are going to pick up the "45% MORE" bottle, and not know they got screwed at the register. I hate marketing idiots.

YOU CAN HEAR THAT? I just heard a pretty good rock song by a band calling themselves Louis XIV, so decided to do some research on them. However, I just read this line from a pitchforkmedia.com record review of theirs . . . and I'm not sure I should read any further:

"This album has raunchy sleazy guitar solos, like on opener "Louis XIV", which sounds like Noel Gallagher fucking AC/DC's guest list in assless chaps."

That's what you hear, eh? So, uhm, in musical terms, is that good? I'm afraid of the answer.

MEN ARE FROM SATURN. The latest Saturn car commercials have a kid saying this ridiculous line: "Well, I could have bought a BMW Z4. But then I'd have a slower car. That's why I bought a Saturn." (That and the fact that I work at Wal-Mart.) Wait, throw that thing into reverse: did they actually compare a Saturn ION Redline to a fucking BMW Z4? The commercial would have been much more believeable if they'd said, "But then I'd have spent twice as much money on a car that's merely an extension of my penis."

CLOSING JOKE. Should people getting into obvious bad marriages register at Unfortunoffs?

FUN TAX DAY SINGALONGS!

by Jeff Kammann


Stevie Ray Vaughn (George Harrison) "Taxman"
Pink Floyd "Money"
Psychedelic Furs "All That Money Wants"
Spinal Tap "Gimme Some Money"
Barrett Strong "Money (That's What I Want)"
Michael Bublé (Lennon/McCartney) "Can't Buy Me Love"
The Smiths "I Don't Owe You Anything"
Tom Waits "'Til The Money Runs Out"
Rush "The Big Money"
The O'Jays "For The Love Of Money"
Cyndi Lauper "Money Changes Everything"
Nirvana "Rape Me"
Mad Season "River of Deceit" (good for any government agency)
Johnny Cash "The (Tax)Man Comes Around"
Simply Red - Money's Too Tight (To Mention)
Frank Zappa - Can't Afford No Shoes
Bing Crosby - Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

RANTING ON MONDAYS

by Kris Salo

Following up the highly successful "Friday Afternoon Rants", I'm rolling out "Ranting on Monday": I hope it will have as much success as the previous edition...

We've discussed universal healthcare before - I know that some of us come from different sides of the debate - I'm still more or less pro, but I did want to related the wonderful way that it works here is the bastion of cheese and wine:

Julie recently got a prescription for contact lenses. These are covered by the social security/healthcare system here. The way that this works in France is you pay out of your pocket and then the social security reimburses a percentage of the amount (about 50% for contacts I believe) and then forwards to documents to your complementary "mutuelle" that works more or less like an HMO/work-based health plan in the US. However, instead of covering the entire cost it makes up the difference between what the social security pays and what the actual cost is.

Anyway, she just got her prescription refilled and at the same time she had them change a pair of sunglasses from prescription lenses to normal lenses so she can wear them with her contacts. This is not covered by healthcare because it is a non-medical change. The glasses were 25 euros, her contacts were 50ish. So the guy at the optometrist prints out the receipt, etc. We get back to the car and Julie's looking at the receipt and there are no glasses on the receipt, but the price was the correct one for the glasses plus the contacts. He changed the price of the contacts so they were equal to the price of the glasses and the contacts - which in essence means that the entire country paid for Julie's non-medically necessary glasses. Sure it is nice when you save 25 euros because of this, but imagine that this is happening on a country-wide (65 million citizens) scale. The guy didn't even ask, he just automatically defrauded the state-health apparatus.

On a related note: There was breaking news last week - "Great News: Social Security will only be 12 billion Euros in debt for 2005." Honestly, this is more or less a verbatim translation...You're asking yourself, how is this great news, I'm telling you I don't know. In actuality this is 2 billion less then estimated, hence the great news. This is because they added a mandatory participation (co-pay) of an incredibly painful 1 euro. The thing that kills me is before they added this they were discussing different options to help support this albatross bureaucratic system - and I was saying that a co-pay is the best way to go. People actually argued with me saying, but some people are more sick then others so it costs them more. NO SH!T, THAT'S THE F!CKING POINT! As mentioned, in principle I don't have a problem with universal healthcare ("in principle, Lisa, Communism works") - but why the f*ck should I, who goes to the doctor maybe one time every two years, have to pay the exact same amount as the idiot hypochondriac who goes four times per month. It's the same if you buy more stuff than someone else; you pay more sales tax. There's a difference between ensuring healthcare for everyone, and ensuring that every freak gets to defraud the system on a daily basis.

The thing is that France's healthcare system is fairly well-regarded in the world. After you take a look at the British and Canadian systems, France is amazing. I'm not coming off by universal healthcare stance, but I do recognize that there are problems with most systems. I could go on for days - but it's 10am so I guess I should go check out cnn.com now...

CLASSIC HOCKEY

by Jeff Kammann


I never thought I'd put up a picture of a Rangers player on my blog, but that's what it's come to. On Thursday, while watching a Rangers Classics game on MSG, Game 6 of the Patrick Division Finals, Capitals @ Rangers, from April 27, 1986, Rob and I were reminded why we fell in love with hockey. We marveled at the tiny pads on John Vanbiesbrouck and Pete Peeters, which were laughable compared to modern day gargantuan-padded goalies like Luongo or Snow. Plus, it looked like they were only wearing a thin turtleneck under their hockey sweaters! We saw Pierre Larouche score a goal, a young Scott Stevens pushing over Beezer for penalty (very funny), and wondered how they fit Reijo Ruotsalainen's last name on the back of his sweater. But it's what we DIDN'T see that made the difference. We didn't see countless ads all over the ice and the boards (although I can't argue with that, since the NHL needs all the cash it can get). We didn't see any clutching and grabbing. And there was nary a goon to be found (although Tomas Sandstrom was a little chippy). It was just pure, unadulterated hockey, and it was fun to watch (even though we knew who was going to win). This nearly 20 year old game was a great example of what was good about the NHL, and made us realize that we missed professional hockey. Hey, the NHL isn't the same now as it was back then: it is what it is. But it could be better.

So now they're going to meet this week and talk about rule changes in the NHL, which is hilarious considering THERE IS NO LEAGUE RIGHT NOW. But if they actually plan on skating again sometime, this is what I think they should do and what they SHOULDN'T do, to improve the game.

They SHOULD:

1. Make the goalie pads much smaller, both in height and width. They already limited the height to 38" with no ridges on the sides a few years back, which was a good move. But in 1989 the maximum width of the pads was changed from 10" to 12". They should change it back, and limit the height even further, and then the most skilled goalies will stand out, as the wheat is separated from the chaff.

2. Move the goal line back again, from 13 feet to 10 feet from the back boards. This increases the neutral zone by 6 feet giving skaters more room to pass, and creates better shooting angles for scores in their offensive zones. A no brainer.

3. Reinstate the tag-up offside rule. The Olympic/International rule is the best way to go. There's nothing stupider than two guys risking injury by crashing into the end boards, or each other, trying to touch the puck for icing.

4. Have a shootout at the end of OT (in regular season games only). Yeah, I never thought I'd say this, but it's more exciting to watch than two teams who really don't care because they already got a point for a "regulation tie". I'm just sick of paying $75 to see two teams leave the ice without settling a thing, even if it is a little gimmicky.

5. Increase the penalty for fighting. Make it an automatic game misconduct, and a fine. And get rid of the stupid "instigator" rule, and just throw both of them out. Bye bye, goons, and don't let the Zamboni hit your ass on the way out.

6. Stop clutching and grabbing. If you touch an offensive player with the puck who is in front of you to try to slow him down, that's a penalty. Period. So go and sit in the box for 2 minutes and feel shame.

7. No mullets. Just an asthetic thing.

8. Get rid of Bettman. All he's done is hire marketing executives to run the league, which as Bill Hicks suggests, should go kill themselves (for that "glowing puck" alone). Formerly NBA commissioner David Stern's flunkie, he probably got into this because he was a lousy lawyer, and now he's proven he's a lousy NHL commissioner, who also doesn't know a damn thing about the sport. Make Gretzky the Commish.

9. Get rid of all teams south of St. Louis. Or better yet, do a man-on-the-street poll and find out what Southern cities actually miss their teams. I guarantee that very few people in Atlanta, Charlotte, Miami and Nashville are pining for hockey.

10. Reinstate the original division/conference names. This is one of the things that made hockey unique, not just another league with generic, geographic names. Bring back the Wales and Campbell Conferences, and the Patrick, Norris, Adams, and Smythe Divisions, and add two more: the Gretzky and Howe Divisions (or something along those lines).

They should NOT:

1. Make the goal bigger. They're actually rolling out two prototypes this month as they consider this alternative, which, not surprisingly, goalies are not happy about. All I have to say about this is: no, no, NO!!! That's like increasing the basketball hoop diameter, or the width of a soccer goal. Stupid idea.

2. Eliminate the red line. Okay, some say it opens up the game, getting rid of two line passes. I don't think they should tamper with this, but instead move the goals back (see #2 above). I'm on the fence with the "widening the red and blue lines", but that might be an alternative to erasing the red line completely.

3. Disallow goalies from handling the puck outside the goal crease. Another asinine idea. The goalie is part of the defense, and therefore should be allowed to skate and handle the puck whenever it is necessary. Again, the most skilled goalies will rise above the rest.

Yeah, I actually miss the NHL, in THEORY. It could be great again. Let's hope this morons don't screw it up, even worse than it already is.

I'm thinking of moving to Canada, for various reasons, one being that it's the only place you can see the NHL Network (what's that aboot, eh?). And they have a great "Top 10" series, and this particular one features the "Best Playoff Hat Tricks of the 1990s". It may not be officially "old school", but it's a good video anyway (requires WMP) 700K | 300K | 56K