MO' MOE
Here's a quote where Flanders shares his opinion of Moe.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
THE GREAT WHIPPED HOPE
This story (from August 8, 2002) about NBA player Doug Christie and his wife Jackie is beyond amazing.
In the final minute of an N.B.A. playoff game on Monday night, Doug Christie raised his left fist, extending his pinkie and index fingers toward the rafters of Arco Arena. Christie, a lanky swingman for the Sacramento Kings, appeared to be calling out a play for his teammates.
But the message was actually intended for his wife, Jackie, seated in the stands. He often makes the same hand signal at least 50 times a game. "That's just to let my wife know I love her, and she and family are bigger than basketball," Christie said.
Christie's wife Jackie rides in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena. Jackie Christie said she and her husband began communicating with each other during games a while ago. "When I make this sign, it means drive to the hole," she said. "When I make this sign, it means smile because you look a little sad on the bench. He started making this sign and said, 'This means I love you,' and it developed from there. It makes me feel real special."
Reporters who cover Christie's former team, the Toronto Raptors, were so intrigued by the couple's sign language that they created a betting pool when the Raptors played at Sacramento last November. By their count, Christie signaled his wife 62 times during the game. "Sixty-two," Jackie said, shaking her head in a pleased manner recently as she clutched her husband's hand on the couch in their home in suburban Sacramento. "That's beautiful."
When the Kings flew to Los Angeles today for Game 3 of the Western Conference finals against the Lakers on Friday night, Jackie was seated next to Doug, as much a part of the postseason experience as any family member in the N.B.A. In the frenetic world of major professional sports, where athletes have trouble balancing their personal and public lives -- and the perception of don't-ask, don't-tell marriages is sometimes a reality -- the Christies have gone to great lengths to make sure their own vows are kept sacred.
With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even eye contact. "Every conversation I've ever had with a woman since we've been married besides my wife she knows about," he said. "She's been there. But what are we talking about? Banking? Mortgage? Other than that, I don't have anything to say to anybody. It's taking up my time and my time is limited to basketball and my family."
The Christies, who have been married for eight years and have three children, get married on July 8 each year, their anniversary. It is not a mere renewal of their wedding vows, but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family, cake and a reception. This year, they will be married on the foundation of their new, not-yet-completed home in Bellevue, Wash. Christie's agent, Bradley Marshall, who is also a minister, has married them the past two years. "At first I thought this was a little bit much, but when you see the dividends it pays, you understand," Marshall said. "They invite other married couples to the wedding, and they're very encouraged by the whole process. It's very emotional."
Jackie said she attends 25 to 30 of the Kings' 41 regular-season road games, riding on the team's charter. "I used to tell people I was married to an athlete and they would give me that look, 'Oh, we know what he's doing,' " she said. "I don't try to explain anymore: 'Yeah, but he's different. And I travel with him and he's not like the rest.' I just know Doug is faithful."
When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. "A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud," she said. "It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon. It just came out. She was a pretty girl, very young. But she was touching someone she shouldn't have been."
Some wives of professional athletes focus on the perks of life in the big time: affluence, public attention, premium seats at sold-out games. Jackie Christie sees a different reality, one in which her husband and other players are battling the seduction of women who wait after games and prowl hotel lobbies. "You see so much of that going on, you think, 'Is that going to happen to me?'", she said. "I'm fine now. I gave up trying to change things. People are going to be the way they're going to be. Now, my attitude is, whatever we have to do to keep our circle tight. Just respect what we have and our commitment."
Sustaining relationships can be difficult for N.B.A. players, said Charles Smith, a former player who was a union vice president. "Nine times out of 10, when a player gets married early in his career, he's still growing and his spouse is still growing," Smith said. "Then you have kids, and it's a very difficult juggling act. If you don't have a firm foundation to fall back on, it doesn't work."
Rick Fox, the Lakers' forward, and his wife of three years, the actress and singer Vanessa Williams, sometimes put up with a bicoastal relationship. Williams is starring on Broadway in Into the Woods. "I admire any NBA couple that takes steps to make their relationship work because, let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who want to disrupt what we have," Fox said. "This is not the healthiest environment for a marriage. You've got to have a lot of trust to be married to any professional athlete."
Many of the game's most prominent players have taken part in the league's extravagant lifestyle. Magic Johnson acknowledged after announcing in 1991 that he had contracted H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, that he had been promiscuous. Patrick Ewing testified last year in a federal racketeering trial in Atlanta about sexual favors he received from dancers at a local strip club.
Jackie Christie arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him afterward. She sends him a note in the locker room before each game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back. Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena.
Doug Christie says he is a willing participant in these rituals. "It was hard for me to do the interview about this and say this is my life," he said. "Because some people will say: 'That's a bunch of garbage. He's lying.' But this is who I am and who we are."
During Christie's time in Toronto, Jackie was uncomfortable that women working for the Raptors went into the locker room to distribute statistics after games. So Doug began dressing in an adjacent room. An Eastern Conference team official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that he had warned the Kings about obtaining Christie two years ago because of some of the issues his wife had raised in Toronto.
"I just felt I needed to protect my territory in the beginning," Jackie said. "So I had a lot of issues. I have a jealous bone in my body, yes. It's probably as big as me. I'm very easygoing until I feel a threat." She added: "Doug is allowed to look at females. I would prefer he didn't."
Jackie sometimes has made it clear to her husband and team employees that certain female reporters should not be allowed to interview her husband unless she is present. "If she wants an interview, I will attend it with my husband so there can be no games," she said.
Some of the Kings kid Christie about the hand signals. "Hedo will flash the sign at my wife from over on the bench," he said of Hedo Turkoglu, the Kings' swingman. "They have fun with it, but they also respect and accept it."
Christie is a versatile 6-foot-6 player who made the N.B.A.'s all-defensive team because of his long arms, quickness and desire. Off the floor, he is a laid-back 10-year veteran. Introverted outside the locker room, he is thoughtful and well read. Born to a biracial couple -- his father is black, his mother white -- Christie grew up in Seattle.
He met Jackie, a former part-time model, at a sports bar through a friend before he was drafted out of Pepperdine in 1992. He said his lifestyle was much more carefree and rambunctious before his marriage. "Each of us has to go through and find our own way and mine was the route that I took," he said. "We all have choices, and the choices I was making back then were not the ones I would want to teach to my children."
Asked if he considered his current behavior drastic, Christie shook his head no. "It's not that I'm not allowed to look at women, it's just respect," he said. "I choose this. There is nothing out there for me to want or try to go after. That's not what I'm trying to be about."
The Christies say their behavior has not been influenced by a religious sect or a life-altering event. "I really can't explain it to you, except one day we were in the driveway of our Seattle home before I got married and all of a sudden all these revelations started coming to me in 1994," Christie said. "It came from God. I used to tell her, 'I know where I want to go, but I don't know how to get there.' Everything became clear when I told her I wanted to marry her. The life I was leading before I didn't want anymore." Jackie looked approvingly at her husband and smiled. "I get a lot of women who asked me, 'How did you get Doug to act that way?'"
He said: "Our love is boundless and free. For me, it doesn't feel like a restriction. It's a lifestyle, the way we live. So it's easy. It's not, 'You can't do this, you can't do that.'"
This story (from August 8, 2002) about NBA player Doug Christie and his wife Jackie is beyond amazing.
In the final minute of an N.B.A. playoff game on Monday night, Doug Christie raised his left fist, extending his pinkie and index fingers toward the rafters of Arco Arena. Christie, a lanky swingman for the Sacramento Kings, appeared to be calling out a play for his teammates.
But the message was actually intended for his wife, Jackie, seated in the stands. He often makes the same hand signal at least 50 times a game. "That's just to let my wife know I love her, and she and family are bigger than basketball," Christie said.
Christie's wife Jackie rides in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena. Jackie Christie said she and her husband began communicating with each other during games a while ago. "When I make this sign, it means drive to the hole," she said. "When I make this sign, it means smile because you look a little sad on the bench. He started making this sign and said, 'This means I love you,' and it developed from there. It makes me feel real special."
Reporters who cover Christie's former team, the Toronto Raptors, were so intrigued by the couple's sign language that they created a betting pool when the Raptors played at Sacramento last November. By their count, Christie signaled his wife 62 times during the game. "Sixty-two," Jackie said, shaking her head in a pleased manner recently as she clutched her husband's hand on the couch in their home in suburban Sacramento. "That's beautiful."
When the Kings flew to Los Angeles today for Game 3 of the Western Conference finals against the Lakers on Friday night, Jackie was seated next to Doug, as much a part of the postseason experience as any family member in the N.B.A. In the frenetic world of major professional sports, where athletes have trouble balancing their personal and public lives -- and the perception of don't-ask, don't-tell marriages is sometimes a reality -- the Christies have gone to great lengths to make sure their own vows are kept sacred.
With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even eye contact. "Every conversation I've ever had with a woman since we've been married besides my wife she knows about," he said. "She's been there. But what are we talking about? Banking? Mortgage? Other than that, I don't have anything to say to anybody. It's taking up my time and my time is limited to basketball and my family."
The Christies, who have been married for eight years and have three children, get married on July 8 each year, their anniversary. It is not a mere renewal of their wedding vows, but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family, cake and a reception. This year, they will be married on the foundation of their new, not-yet-completed home in Bellevue, Wash. Christie's agent, Bradley Marshall, who is also a minister, has married them the past two years. "At first I thought this was a little bit much, but when you see the dividends it pays, you understand," Marshall said. "They invite other married couples to the wedding, and they're very encouraged by the whole process. It's very emotional."
Jackie said she attends 25 to 30 of the Kings' 41 regular-season road games, riding on the team's charter. "I used to tell people I was married to an athlete and they would give me that look, 'Oh, we know what he's doing,' " she said. "I don't try to explain anymore: 'Yeah, but he's different. And I travel with him and he's not like the rest.' I just know Doug is faithful."
When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. "A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud," she said. "It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon. It just came out. She was a pretty girl, very young. But she was touching someone she shouldn't have been."
Some wives of professional athletes focus on the perks of life in the big time: affluence, public attention, premium seats at sold-out games. Jackie Christie sees a different reality, one in which her husband and other players are battling the seduction of women who wait after games and prowl hotel lobbies. "You see so much of that going on, you think, 'Is that going to happen to me?'", she said. "I'm fine now. I gave up trying to change things. People are going to be the way they're going to be. Now, my attitude is, whatever we have to do to keep our circle tight. Just respect what we have and our commitment."
Sustaining relationships can be difficult for N.B.A. players, said Charles Smith, a former player who was a union vice president. "Nine times out of 10, when a player gets married early in his career, he's still growing and his spouse is still growing," Smith said. "Then you have kids, and it's a very difficult juggling act. If you don't have a firm foundation to fall back on, it doesn't work."
Rick Fox, the Lakers' forward, and his wife of three years, the actress and singer Vanessa Williams, sometimes put up with a bicoastal relationship. Williams is starring on Broadway in Into the Woods. "I admire any NBA couple that takes steps to make their relationship work because, let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who want to disrupt what we have," Fox said. "This is not the healthiest environment for a marriage. You've got to have a lot of trust to be married to any professional athlete."
Many of the game's most prominent players have taken part in the league's extravagant lifestyle. Magic Johnson acknowledged after announcing in 1991 that he had contracted H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, that he had been promiscuous. Patrick Ewing testified last year in a federal racketeering trial in Atlanta about sexual favors he received from dancers at a local strip club.
Jackie Christie arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him afterward. She sends him a note in the locker room before each game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back. Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug on his cellphone until he arrives at the hotel or arena.
Doug Christie says he is a willing participant in these rituals. "It was hard for me to do the interview about this and say this is my life," he said. "Because some people will say: 'That's a bunch of garbage. He's lying.' But this is who I am and who we are."
During Christie's time in Toronto, Jackie was uncomfortable that women working for the Raptors went into the locker room to distribute statistics after games. So Doug began dressing in an adjacent room. An Eastern Conference team official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that he had warned the Kings about obtaining Christie two years ago because of some of the issues his wife had raised in Toronto.
"I just felt I needed to protect my territory in the beginning," Jackie said. "So I had a lot of issues. I have a jealous bone in my body, yes. It's probably as big as me. I'm very easygoing until I feel a threat." She added: "Doug is allowed to look at females. I would prefer he didn't."
Jackie sometimes has made it clear to her husband and team employees that certain female reporters should not be allowed to interview her husband unless she is present. "If she wants an interview, I will attend it with my husband so there can be no games," she said.
Some of the Kings kid Christie about the hand signals. "Hedo will flash the sign at my wife from over on the bench," he said of Hedo Turkoglu, the Kings' swingman. "They have fun with it, but they also respect and accept it."
Christie is a versatile 6-foot-6 player who made the N.B.A.'s all-defensive team because of his long arms, quickness and desire. Off the floor, he is a laid-back 10-year veteran. Introverted outside the locker room, he is thoughtful and well read. Born to a biracial couple -- his father is black, his mother white -- Christie grew up in Seattle.
He met Jackie, a former part-time model, at a sports bar through a friend before he was drafted out of Pepperdine in 1992. He said his lifestyle was much more carefree and rambunctious before his marriage. "Each of us has to go through and find our own way and mine was the route that I took," he said. "We all have choices, and the choices I was making back then were not the ones I would want to teach to my children."
Asked if he considered his current behavior drastic, Christie shook his head no. "It's not that I'm not allowed to look at women, it's just respect," he said. "I choose this. There is nothing out there for me to want or try to go after. That's not what I'm trying to be about."
The Christies say their behavior has not been influenced by a religious sect or a life-altering event. "I really can't explain it to you, except one day we were in the driveway of our Seattle home before I got married and all of a sudden all these revelations started coming to me in 1994," Christie said. "It came from God. I used to tell her, 'I know where I want to go, but I don't know how to get there.' Everything became clear when I told her I wanted to marry her. The life I was leading before I didn't want anymore." Jackie looked approvingly at her husband and smiled. "I get a lot of women who asked me, 'How did you get Doug to act that way?'"
He said: "Our love is boundless and free. For me, it doesn't feel like a restriction. It's a lifestyle, the way we live. So it's easy. It's not, 'You can't do this, you can't do that.'"
WEDDING BETTING
by Bill Simmons, ESPN Page 2
In honor of Kris and Julie's upcoming wedding (September 24th, 2005 in Bordeaux, France) . . .
So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:
1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.
2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.
3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.
4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.
5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.
6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.
7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.
8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.
9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.
10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...
And the ultimate long-shot bet...
11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.
by Bill Simmons, ESPN Page 2
In honor of Kris and Julie's upcoming wedding (September 24th, 2005 in Bordeaux, France) . . .
So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:
1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.
2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.
3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.
4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.
5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.
6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.
7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.
8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.
9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.
10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...
And the ultimate long-shot bet...
11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.
RANDOM MUSINGS
Why do people spit gum into the urinal? I'm sure they had to pass at least ONE GARBAGE CAN on their way there. Then it ends up there for months because no one wants to dig in there and retrieve it. I think people that do that should be forced to take it out of there and resume chewing it. (JK)
How did "television" become shortened to "T.V.", while the "telephone" became shortened to "phone"? Why don't we say, "Hey, could you turn down the vision, I'm trying to talk on the T.P.!!!" (RV & JK)
I noticed while compiling the Top 500 that the Beatles are the only band that doesn't allow "sound bites" of their songs on any commerce websites. Why? What's the point? Do they think that people can take that low quality mono snippet and create a perfect sounding stereo clone of the entire song, like it's DNA? I blame Michael Jackson. Maybe I should sue him for molesting the Beatles catalog. (JK)
We realized that Moe Syzslak has so many great quotes on "The Simpsons". Here's one from "The Springfield Files" where he's hooked up to a lie detector. (RV, JK)
Why do people spit gum into the urinal? I'm sure they had to pass at least ONE GARBAGE CAN on their way there. Then it ends up there for months because no one wants to dig in there and retrieve it. I think people that do that should be forced to take it out of there and resume chewing it. (JK)
How did "television" become shortened to "T.V.", while the "telephone" became shortened to "phone"? Why don't we say, "Hey, could you turn down the vision, I'm trying to talk on the T.P.!!!" (RV & JK)
I noticed while compiling the Top 500 that the Beatles are the only band that doesn't allow "sound bites" of their songs on any commerce websites. Why? What's the point? Do they think that people can take that low quality mono snippet and create a perfect sounding stereo clone of the entire song, like it's DNA? I blame Michael Jackson. Maybe I should sue him for molesting the Beatles catalog. (JK)
We realized that Moe Syzslak has so many great quotes on "The Simpsons". Here's one from "The Springfield Files" where he's hooked up to a lie detector. (RV, JK)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
* Since players change teams more frequently than I change my oil filter, here's an idea that is long overdue: official team jerseys with Velcro® numbers and letters! This way, you only have to buy ONE jersey of your favorite team, and you can mix n' match numbers and letters to root for whomever happens to stick around long enough to attract your attention. As Jerry Seinfeld said, we're basically rooting for laundry, so why not make that pointless investment last? I'm still kicking myself for buying that $300 authentic Mike Piazza Florida Marlins jersey. I really thought that was going to last.
* Seen in West Haverstraw the other day: a woman in an ankle-length fur coat running into the dollar store. Classic. I didn't look around to see if she had double parked her Lexus to do so.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
FROM THE COMEDY VAULT: EGGSTREMELY AMUSING
By Rob Vertullo
2/23/2004 01:56 PM
I saw a commercial yesterday that literally had me crying with laughter.
From the cheesy, mail order kitchen gadget company comes the ultra egg peeler (or some sh!t name like that). Yep, now peeling eggs is fun and easy! Remember how much trouble peeling eggs used to be? Neither do I, but apparently, this was once one of the most time consuming, wasteful, messy operations in the entire kitchen. To drive this point home, the commercial features some black and white footage of a 1950s-ish housewife attempting to peel an egg, without using the ultra egg peeler.
Oh the horror!
The poor woman is virtually reduced to tears by her own ineptitude. She simply cannot separate the shell from the egg without making her kitchen look like some kind of boiled egg crime scene There are egg pieces everywhere. There is a mound of mangled eggs and shells on the table, There are eggs in her hair. There are eggs on her apron. There are eggs on the walls. Clearly the woman is a failure as an egg peeler and as a wife and mother. The only thing there is to do now is grab for that hidden bottle of Four Roses and hope the kids don't bring any friends over today.
Man what a laugh I had. You gotta look for this ad.
By Rob Vertullo
2/23/2004 01:56 PM
I saw a commercial yesterday that literally had me crying with laughter.
From the cheesy, mail order kitchen gadget company comes the ultra egg peeler (or some sh!t name like that). Yep, now peeling eggs is fun and easy! Remember how much trouble peeling eggs used to be? Neither do I, but apparently, this was once one of the most time consuming, wasteful, messy operations in the entire kitchen. To drive this point home, the commercial features some black and white footage of a 1950s-ish housewife attempting to peel an egg, without using the ultra egg peeler.
Oh the horror!
The poor woman is virtually reduced to tears by her own ineptitude. She simply cannot separate the shell from the egg without making her kitchen look like some kind of boiled egg crime scene There are egg pieces everywhere. There is a mound of mangled eggs and shells on the table, There are eggs in her hair. There are eggs on her apron. There are eggs on the walls. Clearly the woman is a failure as an egg peeler and as a wife and mother. The only thing there is to do now is grab for that hidden bottle of Four Roses and hope the kids don't bring any friends over today.
Man what a laugh I had. You gotta look for this ad.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Great news for the French...
By Kris Salo
I was just reading old eye-opener rants by myself and Rob, and
realized, after Marketers the French are the most criticized. It makes
me think about this new bridge that was built here:
I don't know if you have read anything about this, or heard about
it...as most of you get your news exclusively from Fox News, I would
assume it wasn't mentioned. Anyway in Millau, a town about 45 minutes
from here, they have built the world's tallest bridge. It is 1200 feet
or something like that...It's 53 feet higher than the Eiffel towner...
-Historical note: the town of Millau is where Jose Bove methodically
deconstructed a McDonalds restaurant.
My favorite headline was from MSNBC: "France claims to have built
highest bridge." The thing is that height is a very objective
thing...Therefore it's either the highest or not...anyway I
digress...This is a great subject of pride for the French. You can not
turn on the TV or look at a newspaper without being told how this
amazing feat has been done in France, by the French. Chirac was at the
opening ceremony today, talking about how this shows the greatness of
the French and how they are a culture of leaders (or something like
that...I forget the exact words, but that's the main jist of it).
Anyway, the kicker on this...The architect, well he was, how do I put
this so it's clear...Ummm, well not French. He was British. So right,
it was a French company that followed the instructions written by a
Brit. This is like me sending Rob a recipe for foie gras, him making
it, and then claiming that it was an American feat of cooking...
I really think the French are the Chihuahuas of the world today. Tiny,
frightened, shaking, and barking at everything that they can...
By Kris Salo
I was just reading old eye-opener rants by myself and Rob, and
realized, after Marketers the French are the most criticized. It makes
me think about this new bridge that was built here:
I don't know if you have read anything about this, or heard about
it...as most of you get your news exclusively from Fox News, I would
assume it wasn't mentioned. Anyway in Millau, a town about 45 minutes
from here, they have built the world's tallest bridge. It is 1200 feet
or something like that...It's 53 feet higher than the Eiffel towner...
-Historical note: the town of Millau is where Jose Bove methodically
deconstructed a McDonalds restaurant.
My favorite headline was from MSNBC: "France claims to have built
highest bridge." The thing is that height is a very objective
thing...Therefore it's either the highest or not...anyway I
digress...This is a great subject of pride for the French. You can not
turn on the TV or look at a newspaper without being told how this
amazing feat has been done in France, by the French. Chirac was at the
opening ceremony today, talking about how this shows the greatness of
the French and how they are a culture of leaders (or something like
that...I forget the exact words, but that's the main jist of it).
Anyway, the kicker on this...The architect, well he was, how do I put
this so it's clear...Ummm, well not French. He was British. So right,
it was a French company that followed the instructions written by a
Brit. This is like me sending Rob a recipe for foie gras, him making
it, and then claiming that it was an American feat of cooking...
I really think the French are the Chihuahuas of the world today. Tiny,
frightened, shaking, and barking at everything that they can...
Monday, December 13, 2004
Notes from the "NFL Week 14 DirecTV Sunday Ticket Football Craptacular!" (Thanks Mr. Vertullo!)
by Jeff Kammann
* If you're going to give a player a nickname, you can't use one that's already taken. "The Snake" will always be Ken Stabler, and "LT" will always be Lawrence Taylor. Those are nicknames of Hall of Famers, so those are officially off limits. Therefore from now on, Jake "The Snake" Plummer will from now on be referred to as Jake "Liquid" Plummer.
* On another name-related note, "Antwaan Randle El" is a difficult name to remember and/or spell; thus he will now be called "Tony Randall".
* One of the myriad of asinine commercials we saw informed us that, according to some panel of idiots, Aspen Edge has "more taste" than Michelob Ultra. Rob pointed out that "more taste" doesn't necessarily mean "better taste". For instance, let's use water, which has no taste, as a baseline. If you asked me to compare that to a glass of water that a dog had defecated in, there's a very good chance the second drink would have "more taste" than water. So if we apply the aforementioned "advertising logic", I should therefore choose the crap-flavored beverage over the water, because it has "more taste". Makes perfect sense to me!
* NFL referees now make an average of 7-8 questionable/bad calls a game. It's not worth getting worked up over something that happens with such frequency, so just get used to it. However, when they get a call RIGHT, invariably one of the coaches challenges it. And those mind-numbing minutes where they "review the play" and don't change the call, you can't get those minutes back. They're gone forever.
* From what I've heard, everyone who has a TiVo thinks it's the greatest invention ever. And I would agree that great strides have been made in digital technology to keep people on the couch glued to their TV screens. However, there are two major problems with this technology, as I see it: 1) Bad timing. Although there are definitely more programs on TV from which to choose than ever before, there are less of them that I actually can sit through. So what's the point? I would be spending $13 to get every episode of "The Simpsons" aired that month, and that's about it. Which isn't a bad thing, but it's hardly necessary. 2) Going forward. You can now "freeze" and "rewind" live TV, which is neat . . . but what about fast forwarding? Yeah, I know it's impossible for a live sporting event, but what about a show that's already been taped? Most programs are just "reality" shows that are edited to create drama, but essentially nothing really happens until the last 10 minutes. So please, why do I have to sit through all of that nonsense, I just want to see whose traded spouse got voted off the renovated chopper!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
BMI, the Bullshit Mass Index
by Robert Vertullo
Every health related website has a BMI (body mass index) calculator now. The BMI, they say, is an excellent indicator of cardiovascular health. Simply plug in your height and weight and, presto, you find out if you are a fat bastard or not. Never mind that you haven't seen your toes in years and can barely make it up a flight of stairs. That's hardly a scientific way to determine the state of your health. You need the vast knowledge and expertise of accountants and actuaries to really
find out.
So I decided to plug in the numbers. Man was I shocked. A BMI of 32.3. Obese. Probably more shocking was that I plugged in the height and weight of Ray Lewis, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. That's right Ray, you fat toad, you are the embodiment of the lazy, over-indulgent American. So get your cellulite riddled ass off the field and in the weight room for some serious remedial body reshaping before Coach Billick sees you. On the other hand, well know actress and apparent victim of a random slashing attack Tara Reid measures in at a healthy 19.8, and so will probably live to be 120, despite that mountain of cocaine she's consumed and her obvious inability to choose a competent physician.
I'm going to do some R&D and see if I can come up with a BAI, "Body Ass Index". This will be a simple tool for determining what percentage of your body is ass, and, by extrapolation, whether or not you should be wearing those pants. Preliminary data shows that for women, this is going to result in a bell shaped curve. With "Those pants make you look like a 12 year old boy" at the low end and "Those pants could replace the Metrodome roof" on the other end. Mind you, these are only preliminary results.
By the way, the groin pull is healing nicely, but I wish the makers of Sportscreme had put a warning on the label "DO NOT PUT THIS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR NAUGHTY BITS".
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
SEMI-HOMEMADE
by Robert Vertullo
I've mentioned before that I watch the food network all the time. Still, I have no idea why, all I ever make is grilled chicken. Anyway, there is a show called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee". I find it funny because what Sandra does is show you how to make store bought items seems homemade. In other words, you combine all the effort, time and expense of homemade cooking with mediocre quality ingredients you find in frozen aisle at Safeway, and end up with a lot of pots and pans to clean. Now Sandra herself is sort of a cross between Betty Crocker and Barbie. So it was particularly funny to see her make a Kwanza cake and a Star of David cake. And of course every other sentence out of her is "and these are SOOO easy!" Well no, they are not, but just buying an Entenmann's would have been twice as easy and half the price.
by Robert Vertullo
I've mentioned before that I watch the food network all the time. Still, I have no idea why, all I ever make is grilled chicken. Anyway, there is a show called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee". I find it funny because what Sandra does is show you how to make store bought items seems homemade. In other words, you combine all the effort, time and expense of homemade cooking with mediocre quality ingredients you find in frozen aisle at Safeway, and end up with a lot of pots and pans to clean. Now Sandra herself is sort of a cross between Betty Crocker and Barbie. So it was particularly funny to see her make a Kwanza cake and a Star of David cake. And of course every other sentence out of her is "and these are SOOO easy!" Well no, they are not, but just buying an Entenmann's would have been twice as easy and half the price.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
TOP TEN PROCLAMATIONS I WOULD MAKE IF I WERE KING
October 10, 2004
By: Rob Vertullo, Jeff Kammann, Kris Salo
10. Refrigerators refrigerate, toasters toast, but ovens don't oven, so from now on ovens shall be called "cookenators".
9. From now on, M&Ms are to only come in 3 colors. for ease of use they will be colors A,B and C: azure, blue and cerulean.
8. People will be forbidden to talk on the cell phone while on the toilet.
7. All government offices shall be closed during "Kiafest".
6. Whether it be a sport, potato chip flavor, or deodorant/antiperspirant, you are forbidden to use the term "extreme" in its name, unless it is scientifically proven to be so.
5. Before sporting events, The National Anthem shall be replaced by the stadium announcer reading a list of fans in attendance whose cars are currently being broken into.
4. The entire space program will be responsible for only two things: a) putting up new satellites that are created solely to spy on women in clothing store changing rooms, and; b) launching toxic waste into the sun.
3. Anyone who has $190,000 to travel into space on Virgin Galatic shall be required to give me $10,000 because they are too rich...
2. The New York Times shall be required to print at least one true story in each edition. The Weekly World News shall be consulted to verify the story.
1. Marijuana, heroin, PCP, morphine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, cocaine (including crack and original recipe), and hallucinogens such as LSD and ecstasy will now be considered legal substances. However, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and any foodstuffs produced using this material (including but not limited to: SPAM™, McDonald's™ hamburgers, Cheez Whiz™, Doritos™, Orville Redenbacher's™ Movie Theater Butter Flavored Microwave Popcorn), will be considered illegal substances.
October 10, 2004
By: Rob Vertullo, Jeff Kammann, Kris Salo
10. Refrigerators refrigerate, toasters toast, but ovens don't oven, so from now on ovens shall be called "cookenators".
9. From now on, M&Ms are to only come in 3 colors. for ease of use they will be colors A,B and C: azure, blue and cerulean.
8. People will be forbidden to talk on the cell phone while on the toilet.
7. All government offices shall be closed during "Kiafest".
6. Whether it be a sport, potato chip flavor, or deodorant/antiperspirant, you are forbidden to use the term "extreme" in its name, unless it is scientifically proven to be so.
5. Before sporting events, The National Anthem shall be replaced by the stadium announcer reading a list of fans in attendance whose cars are currently being broken into.
4. The entire space program will be responsible for only two things: a) putting up new satellites that are created solely to spy on women in clothing store changing rooms, and; b) launching toxic waste into the sun.
3. Anyone who has $190,000 to travel into space on Virgin Galatic shall be required to give me $10,000 because they are too rich...
2. The New York Times shall be required to print at least one true story in each edition. The Weekly World News shall be consulted to verify the story.
1. Marijuana, heroin, PCP, morphine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, cocaine (including crack and original recipe), and hallucinogens such as LSD and ecstasy will now be considered legal substances. However, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and any foodstuffs produced using this material (including but not limited to: SPAM™, McDonald's™ hamburgers, Cheez Whiz™, Doritos™, Orville Redenbacher's™ Movie Theater Butter Flavored Microwave Popcorn), will be considered illegal substances.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
...AND TOASTERS FOR ALL
by Jeff Kammann
Everyone is party crazy nowadays! What with engagements, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, christenings, confirmations, housewarmings, holidays, Flag Days--you're constantly scrambling to find a gift! My solution: buy 50 identical cheap toasters on sale at your local megamart, or get them wholesale if you can. Wrap all of them in the same nondescript bland off-white paper, attach a blank card to the top with the writing inside: "Congratulations!" and sign your name. Store these in your closet, and just grab one on your way out the door to said party. OPTIONAL: If you're feeling crazy, you can even write the name of the recipient of the gift on the attached card envelope. But don't go nuts; the invite only requires you to show up, not jump through any flaming fucking hoops.
Now, the recipient might something like, "Thanks . . . I guess", "I already have a toaster", or "The kid is only 3 months old!" But just use the foolproof response, "Everyone loves toast!" You can't argue with that! Meanwhile, behind your back, people might say, "I think I got the same toaster last year for my Super Bowl party", or "I have three of those already from my first two weddings." But hey, they threw this stupid party, these things happen; they'll have to go to the store and exchange it for something they actually want. But at least you weren't a complete low-life and didn't bring a gift at all, which some increasingly consider the worse offense known to mankind.
Problem solved! That's what I'm here for!
by Jeff Kammann
Everyone is party crazy nowadays! What with engagements, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, christenings, confirmations, housewarmings, holidays, Flag Days--you're constantly scrambling to find a gift! My solution: buy 50 identical cheap toasters on sale at your local megamart, or get them wholesale if you can. Wrap all of them in the same nondescript bland off-white paper, attach a blank card to the top with the writing inside: "Congratulations!" and sign your name. Store these in your closet, and just grab one on your way out the door to said party. OPTIONAL: If you're feeling crazy, you can even write the name of the recipient of the gift on the attached card envelope. But don't go nuts; the invite only requires you to show up, not jump through any flaming fucking hoops.
Now, the recipient might something like, "Thanks . . . I guess", "I already have a toaster", or "The kid is only 3 months old!" But just use the foolproof response, "Everyone loves toast!" You can't argue with that! Meanwhile, behind your back, people might say, "I think I got the same toaster last year for my Super Bowl party", or "I have three of those already from my first two weddings." But hey, they threw this stupid party, these things happen; they'll have to go to the store and exchange it for something they actually want. But at least you weren't a complete low-life and didn't bring a gift at all, which some increasingly consider the worse offense known to mankind.
Problem solved! That's what I'm here for!
Friday, November 19, 2004
With all of the nonsense reality, renovation, and republican shows on cable TV, I've found that the most fascinating thing to watch are the local commercials. It's not only the bad video quality and the horrible sound, it's the content that truly shines through. Let me share with you a few of my favorites and my observations:
Huffman-Koos. This old-school furniture store is closing its doors forever, thanks to the evil IKEA empire and its ilk. So naturally, EVERYTHING MUST GO! FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE! WE'RE CLOSING OUR DOORS! However, if you read the fine print during the commercial, it says something like "Inventory Has Been Added To Supplement This Sale". Okay, so they're clearing everything out . . . while continuing to deliver new furniture? What? Why? What don't you understand about the word "clearance"?
West Nyack Saturn. This is a simple spot featuring "actual" interviews of "actual" customers who have had positive experiences at this dealership. And by the looks of it, there are no actors here, which is fine. But the last guy says, "I went here and found a great used Mercedes that I wouldn't have found anywhere else." Maybe I missed something, but exactly how does that get me to buy a Saturn? Do they really want people to show up to their dealership and say, "Don't you have anything else but these damn Saturns?"
Dan Buckey Ford. This local yokel implores you to "Buy American", which is a swell jingoistic idea--if it was 1956. But it's not so easy to do this anymore in this global economy, especially with cars, where you can't even keep track of where the parts are made and assembled. But the closing disclaimer by ol' Dan himself just baffles the Hell out of me, and I'll give a shiny new donkey to whoever can explain it:
"At Dan Buckey Ford, we are not flag wavers, but we are extremely patriotic."
What the flying Focus does that mean? Is that like saying, "We do not inhale, but we are huge pot smokers" (to paraphrase Bill Clinton)? Or is it more like, "We are not gay, but we can appreciate a sexy guy when we see one"? And what does that have to do with selling cars? Because I ain't buying no F-350 pickup from no flag wavin' queer!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
YOU CAN KEEP JESUSLAND
by Kris Salo
Holy hell! This uproar about ABC showing a naked woman jump into Terrell Owens arms is just insane, no? I didn't see the skit, being that I have the obvious disadvantage of being 2000 miles away from the nearest ABC broadcast...But from what I have heard it sounds tame enough. I am sure no t!t was shown...And no Sunny Triangle either...What is the problem.
The other night on regular broadcast TV here (France 2) about equal to CBS. They showed the infamous Sharon Stone leg crossing scene from Basic Instinct about 20 times in a row...Ok, I exaggerate...It was probably 5 times...But still, right there on normal broadcast TV, probably at about 9 or 9:30 pm. No one is getting all wrinkled up about it...And I'm sure that there were kids watching this...We can debate up and down the problems with the French, but I don't think they are any more immoral than your average american...
And I'm sorry Tony Dungy, but shut the f--k up. "Play the race card...play it....PLAY IT!!" If it had been a white girl jumping into a white guys arms, well we aren't taking into account the fact that there are colored people. Black on Black...all blacks do are play sports and f--k. White man, black woman...White man is taking advantage of the obviously underprivledged colored woman. Hispanics, same problem as above.
I am actually outraged that this stereotypes men as sex-crazed fiends...oh wait...Nevermind, my outrage is gone.
This island that we're going to have...I'm not saying that we have to have 24/7 porn (i'm not saying that we don't either)...But let me tell you something. The TV is going to show life how it is...Shiny happy people holding hands.
I, for one, advocate the return of the subversive committees...Instead of seeking out reds this time, we're going to seek out all those who try to ruin the American way of life by putting words like sh!t on TV and showing non-frontal nudity after 9pm.
That's right, vote Line one SALO for US Senate in 2008...Wait, what's the minimum age for Senate...Ok scatch that, Salo line one for US House of Reps 2006. Someone's got to change this system, and those fat cats in Washington aren't doing sh...squat!!
Monday, October 18, 2004
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE FRENCH?!!
By Kris Salo
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 20:47:10 +0200
So I have a cold...So I go to the store, thinking i'll get some nice soup, heat it up and wallow in my own self-pity (Julie's in Estonia)...
So I get to Carrefour...1st they have like 4 types of soup, in plastic bags...No cans...No cambells, no nothing...I settle for Potato and Bacon, figuring, this should be good! Holy sh!t it is terrible...I paid something obscene like 3 euros for it and it tastes like someone sh!t in the bag...I swear, I think they put like zucchini and leek mash in it...god it is terrible...It left the worst taste imaginable in my mouth...and this was the best that there was!
I just wanted salted broth with reconstituted chicken pieces and a few pieces of pasta...Can I get that, please? G!dd@mnit, I hate this freaking country sometimes...
Since I'm on a rant here, apparently you can't get a dental "checkup" you go to the dentist when you have pain and he/she tells you if you need a check up...yeah, I have 10 cavities because I haven't had pain yet...The French consume the highest per capita drugs in the world, and they also pay some of the lowest rates in the world...Why do the Americans think it costs 40,000 bucks a month for cancer treatment? Because we are subsidizing the f-ing French intake of the same drug at 10 euros a month...
I have to purchase an authentic German dancer and move someplace safe like DesMoines (and that is Day-Moy-ins, not duh, moi-n), Iowa...
Did I ever mention this before, the [possible] next president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, is one of the most liberal (classical sense) candidates for many years in France...And a few months ago he reaffirmed his believe that stores should be closed on Sunday to "protect the family." You would protect the f-ing family much more if the French could go shopping on Saturday and Sunday as opposed to have to go after work on Weds. night with the rest of the f-ing country and wait in line for 20 f-ing minutes then go home and cook for the family...F--king French
Hey, do you think the censors at Hoffman-LaRoche are going to let this in - at least you work for a Swiss company and not Aventis-Sanofi (don't let me get started on that beauty of protectionism that was brilliantly manipulated by the aforementioned Monsieur Sarkozy)...I'll give you a national theory you can CHAMPION - Free f-cking Market, you d!ck...
Ok, I think I got that out of my system, maybe I can make it a while longer here...
I'm Kris Salo and I approve this message (don't get me started on the US, either)...Second thought, I think I'll move to some country that is so corrupt that will a couple dollars a month you can support your very own governmental minister...
By Kris Salo
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 20:47:10 +0200
So I have a cold...So I go to the store, thinking i'll get some nice soup, heat it up and wallow in my own self-pity (Julie's in Estonia)...
So I get to Carrefour...1st they have like 4 types of soup, in plastic bags...No cans...No cambells, no nothing...I settle for Potato and Bacon, figuring, this should be good! Holy sh!t it is terrible...I paid something obscene like 3 euros for it and it tastes like someone sh!t in the bag...I swear, I think they put like zucchini and leek mash in it...god it is terrible...It left the worst taste imaginable in my mouth...and this was the best that there was!
I just wanted salted broth with reconstituted chicken pieces and a few pieces of pasta...Can I get that, please? G!dd@mnit, I hate this freaking country sometimes...
Since I'm on a rant here, apparently you can't get a dental "checkup" you go to the dentist when you have pain and he/she tells you if you need a check up...yeah, I have 10 cavities because I haven't had pain yet...The French consume the highest per capita drugs in the world, and they also pay some of the lowest rates in the world...Why do the Americans think it costs 40,000 bucks a month for cancer treatment? Because we are subsidizing the f-ing French intake of the same drug at 10 euros a month...
I have to purchase an authentic German dancer and move someplace safe like DesMoines (and that is Day-Moy-ins, not duh, moi-n), Iowa...
Did I ever mention this before, the [possible] next president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, is one of the most liberal (classical sense) candidates for many years in France...And a few months ago he reaffirmed his believe that stores should be closed on Sunday to "protect the family." You would protect the f-ing family much more if the French could go shopping on Saturday and Sunday as opposed to have to go after work on Weds. night with the rest of the f-ing country and wait in line for 20 f-ing minutes then go home and cook for the family...F--king French
Hey, do you think the censors at Hoffman-LaRoche are going to let this in - at least you work for a Swiss company and not Aventis-Sanofi (don't let me get started on that beauty of protectionism that was brilliantly manipulated by the aforementioned Monsieur Sarkozy)...I'll give you a national theory you can CHAMPION - Free f-cking Market, you d!ck...
Ok, I think I got that out of my system, maybe I can make it a while longer here...
I'm Kris Salo and I approve this message (don't get me started on the US, either)...Second thought, I think I'll move to some country that is so corrupt that will a couple dollars a month you can support your very own governmental minister...
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Those Wacky Yahoo Headlines!
from August 17, 2004
So you think Leno invented this comedy staple? Please. He merely found a way to turn it into a meal ticket, which is a different kind of genius. But anyway, here's a new comedy feature that may never be repeated: Those Wacky Yahoo Headlines! I love how they try to succinctly sum up an entire article in 7 words or less. They usually fail . . .
Study: Global Warming Could Affect Calif.
Excellent point! If this "warming" is truly "global", there's a good chance that California, as well as other states, MIGHT be affected. Wait, tell me again how much we paid for this study?
Ky. Professor Looks to Set Up Telescope
BREAKING NEWS! Md. Woman Looks to Set Up TiVo!
U.S. Men's Gymnasts Thrilled to Win Silver
No they're not. Trust me. "We've gone through 4 years or more of rigorous training, and it's all paid off! We came in second! Takin' home the sterling, baby! WOO HOO!!! Besides, most of us are allergic to gold, we get these weird skin rashes."
"So you just won silver! What are you going to do now?"
"We're going to the Disney Store!"
First Baseman Mientkiewicz Plays Second
Seriously, if this is news, the New York Mets have been making news like this all year:
Shortstop Reyes Plays Second
Second Baseman Wiggington Plays Third
Shortstop Matsui Plays Shortstop . . . Poorly
AP: Israel Cave Linked to John the Baptist
Quickly, Robin, to the Baptist Cave!
from August 17, 2004
So you think Leno invented this comedy staple? Please. He merely found a way to turn it into a meal ticket, which is a different kind of genius. But anyway, here's a new comedy feature that may never be repeated: Those Wacky Yahoo Headlines! I love how they try to succinctly sum up an entire article in 7 words or less. They usually fail . . .
Study: Global Warming Could Affect Calif.
Excellent point! If this "warming" is truly "global", there's a good chance that California, as well as other states, MIGHT be affected. Wait, tell me again how much we paid for this study?
Ky. Professor Looks to Set Up Telescope
BREAKING NEWS! Md. Woman Looks to Set Up TiVo!
U.S. Men's Gymnasts Thrilled to Win Silver
No they're not. Trust me. "We've gone through 4 years or more of rigorous training, and it's all paid off! We came in second! Takin' home the sterling, baby! WOO HOO!!! Besides, most of us are allergic to gold, we get these weird skin rashes."
"So you just won silver! What are you going to do now?"
"We're going to the Disney Store!"
First Baseman Mientkiewicz Plays Second
Seriously, if this is news, the New York Mets have been making news like this all year:
Shortstop Reyes Plays Second
Second Baseman Wiggington Plays Third
Shortstop Matsui Plays Shortstop . . . Poorly
AP: Israel Cave Linked to John the Baptist
Quickly, Robin, to the Baptist Cave!
Thursday, June 03, 2004
MESS NETWORK
They're doing it to me again, getting my hopes up, just so they can be crushed.
The Mets are at .500 again, completing a 3 game sweep of the Phillies last night at the new Citizen Spank Park. The shocker: they did it thanks to aging hipster Todd Zeile. Obviously, if you rely on a 38 year old to carry your team, well, that's not going to last. Hey, I'm happy for them, but it's cautious optimism at best. Give me a call in late July, after they play the Yankees a few times. And remember, they just got swept by the Marlins last weekend, so now this just makes everything even.
Jason Mastaitis of the great Always Amazin' Mets Blog puts it best:
As for the Mets themselves, I really don't know what to make of this team. I'm thrilled that they won and again inched closer to first but I'm starting to get a bit wary of them. They're like that cute girl in the bar, you know the one, that will flirt with you all evening, get your hopes up a bit, then disappear. You never have any expectations going in but she strings you along just enough to get you a little bit excited -- and then she suddenly leaves. That's what I feel like right now, I'm thrilled every time they win, every time they get close, but then they seem to invariably let me down. They tease you a bit with a few wins, get you excited by getting over .500, then drop you hard with a three game sweep (the sweep by the Marlins was their third sweep this season). Of course, it all doesn't really matter because you go home, sleep it off, and flirt with someone else the next day. *sigh*
However, the most disturbing news is that they want to create their own network, a horrible trend started by none other than the Yankees and their YES Network. Damn you, Steinbrenner! Anyway, here's some possible names, starting with the obvious:
MESS: Mets Entertainment and Sports Station
MOB: Mets Official Baseball Network
MetNet: Mets Network.
MOOKIE: Mets Outlet for Officially Kreating Information & Entertainment
Okay, that last one was a stretch.
MY FAVORITE NEW COMEDY SITE
Of course, after Oprah's site, which is unintentionally funny, this site is a blast. I first got hooked on "Something Awful" when I stumbled upon "Your Band Sucks". It's amazing how much funny stuff they post on this: "Comedy Goldmine", "Photoshop Phriday", and the movie and video game reviews. Priceless stuff.
Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid.
Friday, May 28, 2004
WHAT'S MY BEEF TODAY?
That's another thing. It's a STATE LAW that you can't talk on the phone while driving in New York, but it's perfectly fine to simultaneously drink your Starbucks latte, eat a Slim Fast bar, fix your hair in the rear view mirror, write out a check, tend to the kids in the back seat, stare at the GPS display, hold a rat-sized dog on your lap, and change all 6 CDs, while driving the incorrect way through a parking lot with angled spaces and arrow-shaped markings that clearly indicate which way you should be driving. Brilliant!
I actually had someone glare at ME yesterday after I had to swerve out of the way of his car, which was going the wrong way in the parking lot, as I pointed and mouthed "wrong way" to try to illustrate how he was in error. So I'm the bad guy for pointing out his ignorance. Amazing. Well, it might have been the finger that I pointed with that he took offense to . . .
Karl had an idea for "The Shave-Phone™":
I think the shave-phone is the next thing I'll buy. "But officer... I was shaving. I don't care what you thought you saw."
The dual-purpose vibrate function gives you a closer shave, while indicating that you have an incoming call!
And is there any technical term worse than "Bluetooth"? It makes it sound like you have a nasty dental problem that needs immediate attention.
Rob said he didn't watch the entire movie, but I just wanted to point out that the ending of that new Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch "Planet of the Apes" movie defies all logic. It's almost as if Tim Burton didn't even understand the ending of the original one, so he thought there was nothing wrong with his completely incongruous and implausible ending. I watched that thinking, "WTF? But why was--? How could they--? Did the apes travel back in time with Marty McFly?" Ponderous, f***ing ponderous.
And what is with those off-white colored uniforms that the San Diego Padres are wearing? Is that ecru or eggshell? Actually, it looks like our old cream colored 1972 Dodge Dart with the blue vinyl seats. Hideous.
Remember Jay Leno's "What's my beef?" back when he and David Letterman were funny? Does anybody remember laughter?
Check out Bill Simmons' column for some great non sequitur writing (with some sports thrown in there):
Bill Simmons: Another edition of the Ramblings.
·Only the NHL would decide one day, "Hey, let's switch it around, we'll have the home teams wear dark uniforms. This won't be confusing at all."
·Part of me can't wait for "The Sopranos" to wrap up, just so the kid who plays A.J. Soprano can finally go off the deep end and become the next Adam Rich.
·Speaking of TV series, it's been 10 years ... why hasn't "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" been spun off into his own series yet? Would anyone have been against this? Has there ever been a character with more potential who received less screen time, with the possible exception of coach Fenstock? Even the title of the show would have been cool: "The Wolf." I don't get it.
·Was Jesse Palmer just sitting around thinking, "What's the most drastic thing I could do that will make it pretty much impossible for people to take me seriously as a QB for the rest of eternity? How can I throw away my entire career in one fell swoop? There's must be something I can do. Hey ... wait a second ..."
·When the NHL lockout happens this summer, shouldn't we cryogenically freeze Barry Melrose like the British did with Austin Powers?
ADVERTEASING/FIGHT THE M3POWER™
I'm thankful for advertising every day. If it wasn't for ads, I wouldn't know what to buy, or have anything to complain about. I like it when they qualify these car sales claims with "The best selling mid-size luxury SUV in its class!". Well, your car is the ONLY mid-size luxury SUV on the market! And then they go one step further to say it's in a class by itself.
Isn't it false advertising to call your team the "White Sox", when they clearly wear black socks? "Take a look in my binoculars, dear! This is clearly NOT the team I paid good money to see! Come on, we're leaving, and I'm demanding a refund!"
They should start marketing XTREME cigarettes. CAMEL XTREME CANCER RISK UNFILTERED MENTHOL LIGHTS!
By the way, I'm pleased to announce that Gillette is no longer standing with their c**ks in their hands selling three blades and a strip. They now have a battery operated razor! Introducing the M3Power™ with Micro-Power™ and PowerGlide™ blades! I like how they name their shaving "technology"; some are hyphenated, while others clearly deserve InterCapitalization. Being a person that shaves, I had to find out more about this "technology"!
According to the website, "a motor sends micro-pulses to the blades [which] raise[s] hair up and away from skin so you can shave closer". Oooo, "micro-pulses" (another hyphen)! So that means the whole thing vibrates. Great. And not only do I have to constantly buy expensive new razor cartridges, I also have to replace the battery! Super. I wonder, how many "micro-meters" thin are the new PowerGlide™ blades? Well, that nebulous, vague description of what these incredibly sharp razor blades are really doing to my face sure does satisfy me, so there was no need for them to explain any further. But as if they were Mind-Readers™, Gillette anticipated the next burning question I had:
How do I use M3Power™?
Press the button to turn on M3Power™. Shave normally. Press the button again to turn it off.
Wow, I would NEVER have thought of that! But here's my favorite part of the website:
Here's what men who have tried it have to say about their shaving experience:
"The micro-pulses seemed to make the shave closer."
(But what the hell do I know? That's what it said on the box.)
"After trying the razor for the first time, I really liked how it felt. I knew it was safe to use."
(Well, honestly, I don't know for sure if it's safe, it was just a hunch. But it didn't remove the top layer of skin, and I didn't get a shock, so it MUST be safe. Right?)
I wish these websites would be up front and say, "Here's what our team of marketing guys and lawyers came up to convince you to spend $15 on this thing."
A planet where apes evolved from man? If they only had Gillette razors, you wouldn't be able to tell who was who! Get your hands off of my M3Power™, you damn dirty ape!
-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2004 9:48 AM
Speaking of scratching off your skin, I watched "Planet of the Apes" the other night. If not for Estella Warren there would not be a single watchable moment in this film. But how did she always have lipstick on? Too bad they didn't stick to the original and not allow the humans to talk. Even the apes thought her acting technique needed to evolve for another million years or so. In the immortal words of Jay Sherman, "If the movie stinks, just don't go. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic".
"Vertullo, Robert G
05/27/2004 08:45 AM
Is it happy hour yet? Ughhhhh.
We really should be thankful for advertising. It gives so much opportunity for showcasing the insidious evil of corporate America and the mindless apathy of the average American. Today's topic: The hottest selling. We've all heard the ads. "The Ford Vapid is the hottest selling car in the Tri-State area!!!" Never mind that the "Tri-State area is rather ill defined and amorphous. The real question is, on what scale are they measuring the hotness of car sales? Kelvin? The Florentine Thermoscope? Is this any reason to buy a car? Because it's the hottest selling? I wonder what other immeasurable quantities advertisers can use to promote sales. "Chevy trucks are the smoothest selling trucks in the few blocks around where my grandmother lives" "Sales of the Mazda Minutia are totally shiny this month!" Jeff, go to a car dealer and tell them you want to know what the tallest selling vehicle on the lot is. Then be like, "no, I'm not talking about headroom, I want the tallest SELLING car. Jeez, you people just don't get it"
Oh by the way, there's volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge. Does this need to be in every traffic report? Just have that as the default, and in the unlikely event that there isn't volume onto and across the Tappan Zee Bridge, you can tell us.
Lots of upsets at the French Open. Hey, do you really want to win in a country that gives awards and accolades to Michael Moore? I heard most of the players, in a tribute to the French military, are simply giving up after the first game.
A French construction company is speculating that the airport collapse was probably caused by construction errors. For example, the hiring of a French construction company. Also cited was the 45 minute work day construction workers demanded, and the fact that a good portion of the "concrete" used was actually just day old baguettes. Construction foreman Jean Phillipe Gaston de Rue Marquis Versailles said, "Perhaps eef we ad some jugglers on ze site, we do a better job, eh?"
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
2004 NFL DRAFT MUSINGS
GIANTS GET ELI MANNING
-----Original Message-----
From: Kammann, Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:35 AM
Eh. Who knows? THEY sure think he's going to be great, giving away all those picks and Rivers for him. So let's see how he does with no offensive line! My problem is that he's a little whiner already, so I can't wait to see how he handles New York and its world famous media. Here's the thing: if they had kept Rivers or gotten Ryanleaflisberger instead, no one would expect anything, and any success would be gravy. But because they have a Manning now, if they don't go to the playoffs, he's a failure. It's just the way it is, but it's a lot of pressure to put on a kid who's barely old enough to drink. And I didn't think Kerry Collins was their biggest problem.
-----Original Message-----
From: Vertullo, Robert G
Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 8:42 AM
Eli wants to play in NY and not San Diego? Did anyone tell Eli about a little thing we have here in New York called winter? That's when most of the important games will be played. Has he thrown a ball into a 40mph wind on a -5 degree day? The Giants could have traded with San Diego before the draft, gotten Gallery, San Diego gets Rivers with the 4th pick, everyone is happy. The Giants haven't had a good draft since the 12th of never. They just don't know how it works.
*************************************************
Bill Simmons (ESPN Page 2 Sports Guy) quote:
(By the way, could somebody break the news to Eli that there isn't a better place to live in America than San Diego? Does he know this? Who cares about wins and losses? San Diego has seals! And hot chicks! And 80-degree weather! Somebody remind Eli of this stuff when he's shoveling snow in front of his condo in Hoboken next November.)
SURFSTOPPERS
Kris' Surfstoppers:
Sat 4/24/2004 4:40 AM
I have to say, MTV, MTV2, and MTV9432. This almost falls under porn, but also under the whole cops, "will this guy die" feeling. Usually this exists for music videos ("Holy Sh!t I think I just saw nipple") and shows like Jackass ("How long can he sit in this shopping cart before he falls and the friction from the asphalt stops him dead in his tracks")
Other's (this is non-inclusive list because I just woke up and it's all I can think of now)
- FOX News (I feel so dirty for watching, but I can't always change the channel)
- Infomercials ("No, I can't believe that this one machine can do all of THAT")
- This morning show on the channel M6 here, it's called something like "Everyone gets to talk" or something like that...It's basically 5 thirty year olds that act like they're 15 - it's terrible, but for some reason if I am watching TV at 8:30 in the morning, I can't not watch it for a few minutes.
- Most any Clint Eastwood movie on Basic Cable or Broadcast (there's never any of the good ones, it's always movies like "The Gauntlet" or the one with the monkey where Clint (or the monkey) is a boxer or one of the Dirty Harry movies).
That's it for now, I am sure I will think of more as the day progresses.
*******************************************************
Rob's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 8:44 AM
Unfortunately, sandwitched between some of my favorite channels, Food Network at 231, Fine Living at 232, FX at 247, and Comedy Central at 249, is E! at 236. For some reason I cannot surf past the show where camera wielding psychos chase around 2nd rate actors and actresses. I don't even know the name of it. But I can't think of anything funnier than fat bald guys scrambling like Marines to get a photo of Shannen Doherty getting in/out of a car. Or a half drunk Paris Hilton stumbling around on the sidewalk, or Vince Vaughn spitting on someone. After a few minutes of this, I have to bathe in boiling lysol and gargle with lye, but it gets me every time.
*******************************************************
Kris' additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:10 AM
Oh, yeah, How could I forget the E! channel...I'm with Rob on that...Whether it's 13 yr olds wearing nothing but a beer soaked bikini or the aforementioned B-movie actor search, when I'm surfing I can't
miss that channel...
MTV here or maybe it's MTV2 or MTV videos, I don't really know...Anyway, they have this show called Wildboys with one of the Jackasses...It's like a travel show but with a "Jackass attitude" and it's just retarded...This hairy overweigh man and one of the jackasses swam naked with Great White Sharks on the last show I saw (actually the only show)...Unfortunately this show had the distinct advantage of being one of the only programs in english, so I ended up watching it for ~15 minutes and then went looking for refuge in the French History channel...
*******************************************************
Rob's additions:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:33 AM
Oh, you know what else? Every time I see either "Goodfellas" or "Casino" on USA, I have to watch a few minutes. I love the way they cover up the expetives. "Forget you!! No! Forget YOU!!!" Goodfellas was a great movie, but I've seen it enough now that it doesn't have any impact anymore. Casino was never really that great. But they are solid time wasters while you are waiting for The Daily Show to begin. "A Bronx Tale" is almost in this category, but it really isn't on that often.
*******************************************************
Karl's Surfstoppers:
Mon 4/26/2004 9:55 AM
-Any "Forum" show that I accidentally stop on and watch people fighting on.
-Access Hollywood. I explain to Shawna that our tv might be hooked up to a Nielson box and we should not give them ratings.
-Old Seinfelds.
-Cartoon Network, just to see how removed I am from cartoons as a kid.
-MASH, just because.
*******************************************************
My additions:
Monday, April 26, 2004 12:31 PM
Can the Nielsen company hook up your TV to a ratings box without your knowledge of it, like the KGB? Yeah, I stumbled across that paparazzi show on E! recently, I think it's called "Celebrities Uncensored". Hey, it shoots low and it hits. I mean, the plot of this show doesn't get any deeper than "Here's Britney Spears tripping over a curb and showing her butt crack", and people watch it.
The best thing about my current (antiquated) TV viewing set up is that if I don't ever want to watch a particular channel, I just delete it from my channel set up on my VCR/TV--bam, it's gone! So the numbers have been crunched, and I regret to inform you that Telemundo, QVC, Lifetime, Home Shopping Network, Women's Entertainment, Hallmark, Soap Opera Channel, Univision, Shop NBC, PAX, CSPAN (all of them) and E! did not make the cut. Why can't all cable/satellite boxes be like that? I know you can program "favorites" into DirecTV, but why can't you say, "These are the channels I never want to ever stumble upon ever again." Well, maybe you can do that under "parental controls", I'm not sure.
Anyway, I did a lot of surfing yesterday, and since golf was rained out, the NBA and arena football suck, and baseball and hockey no longer hold my interest, I'll have to add a few things to the Surfstopper list:
"Iron Chef". Makes the list only because it's so inherently dumb (the slo-mo instant replays of a sous chef using a blender comes to mind), and the dubbing of Japanese actors is fantastic, that it stops me for a while. The new "Iron Chef America" is a huge letdown, largely because I miss the dubbing. BTW, they couldn't find anyone more prominent to "judge" this "competition" than the actors who play J. Peterman on "Seinfeld", and Gunther from "Friends"? It's like having Paula Abdul tell you whether or not you can sing--oh, never mind! I guess they're going for irony. But really, the whole show is pointless unless you have a bunch of sea urchins and don't know how to prepare them.
"Mythbusters". Doesn't really fit my definition, because it's semi-educational and I don't feel horrible after watching it. By the way, you get wetter when you run in the pouring rain vs. just walking in it. Yes, it's been proven.
SURFSTOPPER: 2004 NFL DRAFT
I might have to add "NFL Draft" to my surfstopper list. Yeah, it's only a once a year thing, but I kept tuning in. I'm fascinated that they can televise this thing for two days straight and still find sh!t to talk about. I half expect Jerry Lewis to jump out during the 10th hour of this thing and belt out "You'll Never Walk Alone", with the Manning family in the front row looking all glassy-eyed. But really, what can anyone possibly have to say about a sixth round wide receiver from Nebraska-Omaha? Are they afraid a future Tom Brady or Terrell Davis is going to slip by them in the later rounds, and they weren't there to say something about him?
My favorite late round draft pick names:
COLBY BOCKWOLDT
JEFF SMOKER
JONATHAN SMITH (no really, what's your REAL name?)
VONTEZ DUFF
Mmmm, Vontez Duff.
Honing the comedy act @ Walsh's Pub on Friday . . .
-My name for Brian Roethlisberger: RYANLEAFLISBERGER.
-John Sterling trying to add excitement to a dreadfully boring Yankee game:
"The Yankees bunt! TH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH YANKEES BUNT!"
"Th-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh Yankees take second base due to defensive indifference!"
-Joe DiMaggio insisting that he be referred to as "The Greatest Non-Living Baseball Player".
-In other news, Rob bought the "NapMaster 5000" for his new apartment. Congratulations!
SURFSTOPPERS!
I'm trying to compile a list of "Surfstoppers". This is defined as a movie or TV program that makes you stop flipping for a while, and then once you come to your senses and switch it off, you immediately feel guilty for the time you just wasted on it. Note: "Porn" is not an acceptable answer, it has to be basic cable fare. You can't include "functional" channels like Weather Channel or the TV Guide Channel. And it can't be a show that you would normally watch, or tape/TiVo, just a random show that you end up watching when nothing else you like is on.
The ultimate surfstopper is "Cops". This is the one which all others are compared to. No one ever tapes it. No one talks about it around the water cooler. No one goes out of their way to watch it. You don't hear: "Well, I'd love to meet for dinner at 8, but could we make it later? There's a new "Cops" on tonight." You just stumble upon it, and you immediately hit a redneck rubbernecking delay. By the next commercial break, you snap out of it, and switch on an educational program on PBS to cleanse yourself.
What would make you stop?
For me the other night, it was "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan". It stopped my thumb dead, because I wanted to see the legends Montalban and Shatner trading their patented wooden acting moves, not to mention Ricardo's plastic breastplate makeup, and I ended up stuck in this movie's tractor beam for about 15 minutes. Other shows/movies in this category:
*"Maximum eXposure"/"You Gotta See This!" They're essentially the same show. Hard to peel your eyes off of.
*Billiard trick shots on ESPN2. Don't ask me why, but it's infinitely better than "World Series of Poker".
*"Blind Date". Some of the "thought bubbles" they come up with on this show are hilarious.
*"Modern Marvels". I'm in awe of this stuff. My jaw drops as I exclaim, "Wow, that's a big crane!"
*"American Chopper". I've never watched this from start to finish, but I think I've now seen every show in nonsequential 15 minute increments.
*"Point Break". The ultimate 100% pure train wreck of a movie, predating the current "extreme" movies, sports, shows and marketing campaigns for the Mountain Dew generation. Swayze, Keanu, Busey, Petty--any questions? (SEE ALSO: "Road House".)
*Any Sean Connery "James Bond" movie.
*Any Schwarzenegger comedy.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Barry Bonds will face Roger Clemens tonight in Houston, needing one HR to tie Willie Mays. What do you want to see happen?
a. Bonds hitting a HR to tie Mays
b. Bonds hitting multiple HRs to surpass Mays
c. Bonds gets intentionally walked
d. Clemens beaning Bonds with the first pitch
e. Clemens beaning him and then hurling a broken bat at him
f. Bonds breaking his bat. The end of the bat goes into Clemens chest, killing him instantly, before he can say another stupid thing. The ball is caught for an out, but not before Bonds twists his ankle on the bag running it out for a career ending injury.
g. Bonds is put in as a relief pitcher to face Clemens, and beans HIM in the head
h. Bonds is arrested for illegal steroid use at home plate
i. Clemens and Bonds are united in gay marriage by President Bush
j. Clemens throws at Bonds' head. During ensuing bench-clearing brawl, Clemens grabs Bonds, ripping his shirt and his breast is exposed; both later claim "uniform malfunction"
(I chose "e", Rob chose "d", and Karl submitted "f".)
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
EYE-OPENER
This is a site dedicated to the new morning show that we're trying to get on the air. It's called "Eye-Opener", and it's the morning show that we envision will be the next big thing. We're sick of waking up and turning on the TV, only to have some perky, insightful, informative, helpful, caring, talking head flapping their gums in our collective ears. We're sick of waking up PERIOD. Where is the morning show for those who are exhausted and hungover? Who do you turn to if you just got back from the bar, and don't want to go to work? Where is the funny banter that you need to ease you into another miserable day? It's right here, on the EYE-OPENER.
The concept is this: after we survive a night of drinking, and only a few hours of sleep, and we basically roll out of bed and switch on the cameras. We begrudgingly yet humorously point out the absurdities of life, love, entertainment, sports, and society in general. No helpful consumer news, no cooking demonstrations, no annoyingly inaccurate weather forecasts, no rush hour traffic updates, no political pundits, no fashion tips--you can get those anywhere. Most of all, we're not going to talk down to you, we're going to talk TO you. We know how you feel, because we're feeling it too.
EYE-OPENER. Kicking a$$ and taking naps.
(Holy crap, those lights are so f***ing bright they HURT, could you take it down a notch?)
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Here's the current model for today's "superstore". They greet you at the door, "Welcome to [insert store name here]!" While you're browsing, they bug you 50 times, "Do you need any help?" Most of the time, you decline, but when you actually DO need assistance, they have no clue. Then they ask you at the checkout, "Did you find what you were looking for today?" and you say "Yes" 100% of the time, even if it's not true.
I used to love to go into a store and the employees knew what they were selling. For example, if you were looking for a certain record, you used to be able to go into a small independent record store and you could get some actual info on it. The employees knew what they were talking about. But those places are disappearing fast, replaced with these big stores where they look at you strange and just type it into a computer. Great, I could have done that.
That's the problem with people today: they don't really "know" anything, they figure they can always Google it. I call it the Googlization of America.
I used to love to go into a store and the employees knew what they were selling. For example, if you were looking for a certain record, you used to be able to go into a small independent record store and you could get some actual info on it. The employees knew what they were talking about. But those places are disappearing fast, replaced with these big stores where they look at you strange and just type it into a computer. Great, I could have done that.
That's the problem with people today: they don't really "know" anything, they figure they can always Google it. I call it the Googlization of America.
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